(Quite Possibly) "The Freakiest Thing I've EVER Seen!"

I’ve seen some pretty crazy ish in my day. Not in person, of course, but via my love for craptastic television.

One great TV addiction I have is to the Discovery Health Channel. Have you guys seen some of the stuff on here? With show titles like, “The Half-Ton Man”, “Woman with Half a Body”, and “Pregnant for 37 Years”, I’m totally hooked. The human body is so flippin’ weird, and no matter how much we learn about it, we’re still so completely in the dark about what all goes on in our own bodies that it’s mind-boggling.

So, anyway, a friend sent me a link with the subject line: “Freakiest thing I have EVER seen”.

Now, I won’t reveal this person’s identity, just because he/she works at a very sensitive position. But, let me just give you a little background on him/her so you can understand my mindset when I read that subject line.

This person works at an AIDS clinic. His/her job, among other things, is counseling people who have been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS, and looking up & contacting their recent sexual partners so that he/she can let them know that someone they slept with has just been diagnosed with HIV.

So, when this person sends me something with the subject line “Freakiest thing I have EVER seen”, my initial reaction is, “Man, this has got to be some F-ed up ish right here.”

Oh man, was it ever.

Ladies and gentleman… how do I even introduce this clip? I’ve tried to find the words to delicately lay the situation out in front of you, dear readers. But, there really is no way to cushion this.

This man is turning into a tree.

You read that correctly – this clip is of “Half-Tree Man”. (Not to be confused with ManBearPig.)

I’m serious. The dude is growing roots from his hands and feet, and is growing “bark-like” lesions all over his body.

Hard to wrap your head around, huh? Well, take a look at the clip below to see what I’m talking about.

WARNING: This is potentially one of the most disturbing videos I have ever seen in my life. No one gets murdered or killed, and there’s no violence or rape. But, I highly encourage you to wait on viewing this if you have eaten within the hour or if you’re going to go to bed soon – or if you’re especially squeamish. Trust me – I watched this before bed last night and I couldn’t fall asleep for 2+ hours partially because I was so disturbed by this man’s condition.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.



Now, at first I debated even posting this because, obviously, the man’s condition is so severe that you can’t really joke about it. I mean, every time I see this, I have an uncontrollable urge to scratch my face and head.

However, there is not just good news for “Half-Tree Man” – there is great news!

The doctors who went to visit him in this documentary were able to diagnose his condition. It turns out all of these appendages are caused by HPV (Human Papillomaviruses), and were exacerbated by the fact that due to a genetic defect, the man (Dede) has almost no immune system. So, basically, the warts that come with HPV were allowed to run rampant by his body, and this is what resulted.

Even better news is it is easily treated. The doctors will give him synthetic Vitamin A to stop and shrink all of the wart growth. Once these lesions stop growing, they will fall off, and the more stubborn ones can be frozen and cut off.

While he’ll be permanently disfigured, at least he will regain movement of his hands and feet, and be able to live a normal life again. (Or, at least more normal than being a Half-Tree Man and having to appear in “Freak Shows” to support himself. Poor thing, God bless his heart.)

YEAH!!!!!!

And, on that note, I do have to say one smart ass thing about this since I know he's going to get better…

They mention that Dede’s wife abandoned him in the documentary. Now, normally I think it’s a horrible thing for a woman (or man) to do to abandon their spouse due to illness, or even if something horrible happens like they’re completely paralyzed from the neck down, or have their faces burnt off in a fire.

But, I can’t say a dang thing about Dede’s wife.

See, when you take those marriage vows, you say “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness in health, ‘til death do you part, for as long as you both shall live, etc., et al.”

But, you take those vows as a human being marrying another human being. I think all bets are off if they turn into another species. I’m sorry, but there’s “for better”, and then there’s “for worse”, and then there’s “for turning into a frickin’ tree”.

Once your spouse starts turning into a tree (and not in the good way, either), I say all bets are off.

That being said, I would still stay with the Scootz even if he started turning into a Half-Tree Man. First of all, I’m a tree-hugging, hippie, liberal douche; so, it’s not like I would really be changing my lifestyle all that much.

Second of all, I’m super loyal – to a fault even. I still support and love people, even though I know they’re vile douches deep down in my heart. I won’t name names, but if you’re reading this, you’re probably not one of them. =)

Third of all, and most important, Scootz is indeed my soul mate, the love of my life, and no matter what happened to him physically, I would stick by him. =) Ah dang it, that was totally a subconscious pun, wasn't it? Half-tree man... "stick" by him?

It's a curse, I tell you.

Anywho, back to the whole "Sticking-with-Scott-even-if-He-Turned-into-a-Half-Tree-Man" thing: I told him, there’s only two things that would make me leave him – a cheatin’ or a beatin’. So, as long as I didn’t find him with some other leafy tree skank, or he didn’t smack me upside the head with one of his root systems, we’d be all good.

So, Happy One and a Half Year Anniversary, babes! I dedicate my Half-Tree Man blog to you on this special day. No, no… you don’t need to say a word. I love you, too. O=)

Cheers,

E