Can I Ask a Question?

When is the right time to tell one of your customers to “fuck off and die”?

See, I’ve been dealing with this company that shall remain nameless (for the time being) because they are an investor in the company I work for. Since they are a major distributor, we not only have deal with their dumb asses, but we also have to deal with their clients’ even dumber asses.

Now, I’ve worked in Sales and Customer Service all of my working career now. I’ve met some pretty big douches in this world via these positions, and it’s been rare that I’ve even ever told a customer flat out that they’re wrong or that I can’t do something for them.

I’m pretty darn tempted to not only do so with this friggin’ a-hole, but to tell him that I hope he gets molested by a rabid orangutan.

Among his many offenses:

1. Asking me the same question a fourth time when I had already answered it THREE TIMES BEFORE, and the answer was there three times in the preceding e-mail body when he asked it the fourth time;
2. Placing a piddly order of approximately $15K and thinking we’re available at his beckon call 24/7;
3. Demanding samples be sent down to him “overnight” to Peru (Time Zones, anyone? Concept of how fast a plane travels and how big the world is, anyone? I told our Production Coordinator to include a globe with the samples.);
4. Demanding high resolution photos of products we’re sending to him for a magazine ad, then not having any software to view such print resolution quality photos;
5. Calling us “Team” in every e-mail. (We are NOT your team.)

The last straw for me was when I was purposely ignoring this moron (he’s from Peru, so I’ll call him “Idiot Peru Douche”; IPD for short), and he called my office phone incessantly. Every five minutes, I see some weird, Peruvian telephone number showing up on the Caller ID. (I’ve never been so grateful for it before this day.)

He then has the balls to e-mail me and say, “Do you have a cellphone number where I can reach you? I am trying with your office but have not been successful…Tks”

*blood reaches boiling point*

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me? You have a stupid ass question that I have already done everything I can do to answer and solve on your behalf (since you’re too stupid to do so yourself), and now you want to call my personal cell phone during my off-hours from PERU?!

This dude better hope I choose to do my Amazonian rainforest adventures in Brazil or Ecuador. Otherwise, I might have to make a brief stop-over in Lima to “do some business” of my own… Tony Montana style.

And, anyone who is too lazy to spell out the word “Thanks” deserves to drown in a vat of their own boiling stomach acid.

IPD, would you kindly,

FUCK OFF AND DIE!

Cheers,

E