A Peek Into Elizabethworld

This is actually kind of a roundabout peek into Elizabethworld since really it involves my Mom.

If you've met my Mom in person, you know that she's flippin' hilarious. You also know that she's not quite all there, and that she drives me bat shit crazy at times because of this.

Finally, you know exactly how I ended up like this.

For those of you who don't know my Mom, though, I'm posting the first paragraph of her daily e-mail to me from yesterday. (I already got her permission, so don't even try the, "Oh, your poor Mom," bit with me.)

After reading this, go back to July in this blog and read my earlier "A Peek Into Elizabethworld" blog. It's like a frickin' time machine here, people.

PS: In case there is any doubt, I absolutely love and adore my mother. She cracks me up -- especially now that I don't live in the same house as her. O=D


MOM'S THURSDAY E-MAIL:

"Quick Sigh from Ol' Mom who is sweating after a short walk. Even on the West Side, it's warm! Did not see Ryan Seacrest today...probably told you a million times he works in the building across from us. For breakfast he has egg whites and spinach from deli downstairs, loves Baha Fresh and Koo-Ker-Roos, parks on level 2. I"m sure he sends staff "out" for food. His voice is more recognizable than his face, at least to me! bcc. bcc"



Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my Mom is obsessed with Ryan Seacrest.

And, in case you're wondering, she actually meant "Baja Fresh" and "Koo Koo Roo".

Finally, "BCC" is the acronym my mother and I came up for her habit of "Boring Chit Chat". If you're not careful, she'll talk your ear off for hours about the history of irrigation in the Los Angeles Basin, Ryan Seacrest, and why she doesn't shop at TJ Maxx anymore.

Is it starting to make sense now? You're welcome.

Cheers,

E

It's 10PM -- Do You Know Where Your Local Veterans Are?

BEYOND SAD

So, this is the first part of a three part “Elizabeth on her Soap Box” series. Bear with me, because I’ve actually got important things to say here for once.

Every now and again, I like to not be a complete asshole, and instead write about issues that actually have merit. (As opposed to any of my craptastic reality TV shows, Britney Spears, or the state of my neighborhood Starbucks.)

I read this article on CNN a few days ago. I was hoping to get this blog up in time for Veterans Day, but life has gotten crazy this month (mostly in a good way).

While normally trust CNN about as much as The National Enquirer, I do think that they’re reporting fairly accurately on this subject.

It was something that I already knew about; and, it’s something that I believe the American population in general knows about on some subconscious level. It’s something I’ve been meaning to focus more of the conscious part of my mind on for about a month or so, and just seeing this article really brought it to the forefront of my mind:

Here are some fucked-up facts for you:

- More than 25% of the American homeless population are U.S. Veterans
- Approximately 468,000 veterans experience “severe housing burden”, where over half of their income goes towards housing (thus making them highly susceptible to becoming homeless)
- Requested Iraq War Budget for Fiscal Year 2008: $155.5 Billion
- Expected Cost of Iraq War: Over $1 Trillion
- Requested Veteran’s Administration Budget for Fiscal Year 2008: $86.7 Billion
- Amount of money the VA specifically sets aside to deal with homeless veterans each year: $150 Million
- The VA (Veterans Affairs) houses approximately 100,000 veterans every year. While those 100,000 are surely better off thanks to such assistance, that leaves approximately 300,000 veterans (that we officially know of) homeless at any given time.


WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?!?!

As far as I’m concerned, there aren’t enough question marks and/or exclamation points available to express how much incredulity I feel with this question.

How on God’s green earth can this be happening? How can a country that prides itself on having the finest armed forces in the world allow 300,000+ veterans to be homeless?

Well, there is no easy answer. A few interesting facts that shed some light on the subject:

- 76% of homeless veterans experience alcohol, drug, or mental health problems
- According to "Is Homelessness a Housing Problem?" in Understanding Homelessness: New Policy and Research Perspectives, published by Fannie Mae Foundation in 1997, most homeless veterans are “…single, unaffiliated men…”, whereas most housing funds available in federal programs are geared towards “…helping homeless families or homeless women with dependent children…”
- Of all of the soldiers from the Iraq & Afghanistan Wars that have been diagnosed with PTSD (approximately 15-17% of them), only 23 to 40% (depending on the area) are seeking professional help, due in large part to the stigmas still attached to “mental illness”.
- Over 40% of reservists lose sources of income when called upon active duty.

These are just some of the many factors that lead to over 300,000 veterans being homeless. While there is no one reason for the cause of this problem, there really is no reason why this should be happening AT ALL in the first place.


SO… NOW WHAT?

The fact of the matter is that while the actual people working within the VA are overall compassionate, committed people who would love to eradicate homelessness amongst the veteran population, they’re stuck having to work with our government.

In case you’d like to get an idea of the kind of madness you encounter trying to work with the government, here’s a very useful link on Citizens Against Government Waste’s website as to what kind of ridiculous garbage the U.S. Govt. likes to spend its “pork” on, as opposed to, you know, serving the troops that serve us.

Ultimately, even the VA has turned to “veterans helping veterans” organizations and community based charities to help fight homelessness among the veteran community. According to the National Coalition for Homeless Veterans, “Programs that seem to work best feature transitional housing with the camaraderie of living in structured, substance-free environments with fellow veterans who are succeeding at bettering themselves.”

While the ultimate goal would be to get the U.S. government to spend its taxpayers’ dollars on helping the nation’s most vulnerable citizens, that’s not happening any time soon.

I don’t know what the exact solution is to this. It’s probably a multi-faceted program or series of programs that would need to be facilitated by both the federal and state governments, as well as local communities.

I do have a few ideas as to how individuals can help. There is always the option of donating to the organizations that are doing the most work and having the most success in fighting this epidemic, and volunteering at the local homeless shelter.

In the meantime, I’m just going to post the information that I have. I do have an idea or two of ways that people can help these homeless veterans. I’m going to work on these in the next few weeks, and I’ll post whatever I put together here. (Yes, I’m announcing this here so that I therefore feel obligated to follow through since it’s in print on the worldwide web.) =)

In the meantime, here are some useful links… hence the subject line.


SOME USEFUL LINKS:

U.S. Veterans Affairs Dept.: http://www.va.gov/

Homeless Programs & Initiatives Page on the U.S. Veterans Affairs Department Website: http://www1.va.gov/homeless/page.cfm?pg=2

Veterans for America (Humanitarian and Advocacy group dedicated to treating veterans with psychological traumas and brain injuries): http://www.veteransforamerica.org/

National Coalition for Homeless Veterans: http://www.nchv.org/background.cfm

National Coalition for the Homeless (Charity and Advocacy group that has some good facts & articles on the issue of homelessness itself): http://www.nationalhomeless.org/

U.S. Dept. of Labor’s Homeless Veterans’ Reintegration Program (This is a Federal program that works to reintegrate homeless veterans into the workforce): http://www.dol.gov/vets/programs/fact/Homeless_veterans_fs04.htm


THE NEXT STEPS

I’ll post another blog in a few weeks once I’ve done some more research to see if I can flush out a few ideas. I encourage everyone to take a few moments and visit some of the above links to find out more about the issue.

It’s funny – it’s only two days after Veterans Day, and already all of the news stories on this subject are disappearing from the headlines. I don’t know about the rest of you, but this is one issue that REALLY bothers me.

BTW: I will post more funny/stupid blogs in between this blog and the follow-up blog on this in a few weeks. So, if you don’t see the follow-up blog, but you see one about funny things my roommate has said or a new record of foods & liquids that I’ve managed to spill on myself in one day, don’t worry – I definitely haven’t forgotten about this.

Cheers,

E

Can I Ask a Question?

Is the name “Elizabeth” REALLY that hard to spell?

Now, I’ve come to terms with the fact that, apparently, the name “Elizabeth” is too long. Every time I tell people my name is Elizabeth, they say, “Do you like to be called “Liz” or “Beth”?”

Well, last time I checked, I liked to be called by my NAME, which is Elizabeth. (NOTE: If you’ve been referring to me as “Liz” previous to 2002, you get a free pass. I know I drilled it in to you back then, and the fact that I’ve now decided to stop being a bratty teenager has no bearing on your ability to call me by another name. I understand.)

Anywho, back to my question. You see, I go to the Starbucks down the road from my office almost every work day. I like it. I like the people who work there. They know me, and they like me.

However, they don’t know how to spell my name… like, AT ALL.

For those unfamiliar with how Starbucks operates, first of all, welcome to the developed world! Glad you’re here! I know it can be tough getting out of a place like North Korea, The Democratic Republic of Congo, or Nebraska.

Second of all, normally when you walk into a Starbucks, it’s packed. So, they take your name down, and print it out onto the label (along with your specific drink order) that they stick onto the cup that will hold your drink.

Now, I know “spelling” ranks pretty darn low on the list of priorities amidst the American people. After all:

A.) English is quite possibly the most difficult language to spell in, because there are pretty much zero rules involved; and,
B.) We have spell check now.

However, I’m thinking with a name like “Elizabeth”, it’s probably something that the AVERAGE American can spell, since it’s been one of the Top 20 Female names since this country was founded.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Allow me to regale you with some choice spellings of my name by the people at my local Starbucks:

1. Elizabet
2. Lizabet
3. Lizabeth
4. Elizab
5. Elisabeth (acceptable if this lady was French, but she wasn’t)
6. Elizibeth
7. Illizibeth (That’s actually my personal favorite – it’s going to be my rap name.)
8. Lisbeth

Out of the (literally) hundreds of times I’ve gone to this Starbucks, they’ve probably spelled my name correctly twice. (That’s how I know it’s not just a system thing where they can only enter so many characters into the register’s name field.)

I know I stutter and slur my words a lot (shut up, it’s a speech impediment… most of the time), but are people really not understanding that my name is “Elizabeth”?

Again, I really like my peeps down at the local Starbucks. But, not being able to spell “Elizabeth” correctly? I’ll bet if my name was “MacKenzie” they’d get it right.

By the way, if you name your child “MacKenzie”, I really don’t need to know you. That’s the most God-awful name for a female child on the planet, and everyone and their Mom is naming their kids that now.

But that’s a whole other rant for a whole other time.

Cheers,

E (Since, apparently, most people can’t spell my full name)

PS: Yes, I know I didn't blog at all during October. I went out of the country, and when I came back my new home city was on fire. I'll be back in full effect for November, je te promis.

I Saw a Birthday Massacre -- and I Liked It!

So, I promised Ricky that for once I’d step out of my reality TV blogging mode and actually write about something going on in my real life.

On Monday morning, I received an e-mail from Ricky informing me that he would be coming down to SD to see a band that he’s very passionate about play at the House of Blues down here – for the third time in a few weeks. He asked me if Scott and I would like to join him.

Oh yes, and it’s happening the next day. Spontaneity, anyone? ;)

Well, because I rarely get a chance to listen to any music that’s not on the radio anymore (and I use the term “music” extremely loosely when defining anything on the radio), and also since I’ll take just about any opportunity to see my LA friends, I decided to step out of my musical comfort zone and accompany Ricky with Scootz in tow.

I can be 100% honest in saying I REALLY enjoyed the show. The opening band was “theSTART”, which I am seriously tempted to either:

A.) Buy a CD (which I haven’t done since 2002); or
B.) Finally break down and get an iPod so I could download their music, and other indie bands that don’t get mainstream airplay.

I’ve never really been into industrial or electronica music – mainly because I have no opportunity to listen to music in general these days (what with all the craptastic reality TV, and such). ;) But, I thoroughly enjoyed theSTART.

For me, more than anything in a song, it’s the beat that gets me hooked. I think that’s why I’ve always loved hip hop music since I was about 9 (despite the fact that I’m so blindingly white that even white people make fun of how pale I am). theSTART had some fantastic drumming and back beats going on in several of their songs; and, when combined with the heavy industrial sound, they really got me clinched in to their performance.

After theStart, the main act came on: The Birthday Massacre. Ricky informed me that the lead singer, Chibi, was suffering from a pretty nasty cold that was affecting her voice. Still, she was an über trooper, and she put more passion, effort, and soul into her performance than Avril Lavigne could ever hope for, even after consuming half her body weight in speed.

In particular, I really loved how Chibi interacted with the audience. I could see why The Birthday Massacre has such a loyal following.

After the concert, I really started thinking about just how royally mainstream media fucks over the general population, even in regards to something as seemingly benign as music.

You see, the music at the concert, the passionate performances, and the palpable creativity radiating from these artists provokes thought, appreciation for art, and it encourages the listener to create and explore outside of the norm themselves.

This is a very dangerous thing, though, for advertisers – the bread and butter of mainstream radio stations.

So, what do they do? Play completely mindless bullshit that encourages the mind to turn off, and the listener to put on what the advertisers say are the “fashionable” clothes, go to what they say are the “cool” clubs, drink tons of the alcohol that they’ve said to drink, and dance the dances that are shown in the over-priced music videos promulgated on TRL.

Now, this is not to say that I don’t like much of the music on mainstream radio. There are quite a few “craptastic” songs that I love and appreciate the same way I do with my craptastic TV shows. And, really I love both for the same reasons – they allow me to turn my brain off, and enjoy the sugary, empty sweetness that their entertainment gives me.

However, much in the same way as actual diet & nutrition work, it’s fine to treat oneself to the occasional tasty indulgence with empty calories. But, consuming too many of these goodies leads to poor physical health. Consuming too many musical and television “treats” leads to poor mental and spiritual health.

If anything, this experience encourages me to go out and see more indie acts at the local clubs. I don’t even really care what genre the performers are considered a part of. It’s just good to step out of the tiny little box that mainstream culture (AKA: advertisers) try to stick the entirety of the spending American public into.

Even if I should happen to NOT like the act itself, it’s just good to support art, creativity, passion, and thought – all of which the vast majority of mainstream music is severely lacking.

Cheers,


E

Craptastic Television Review (Episode 4)

TODAY’S EPISODE: Rock of Love, Episode 10, “Meet the Parents”

What the hell happened to VH1’s episode naming staff?!?! They used to be so brilliant, and now two weeks in a row they’ve come up with these weak ass episode names. Someone send in a search party!

So, Heather, Lacey and Jes are the three remaining girls at this point. And, according to VH1 craptastic reality dating shows as pioneered by Flavor of Love 1, that means it’s time to… meet the parents.

Bret says to the camera, “You marry the girl, you marry the parents.” That’s actually pretty good advice. But, who the fuck does this rock of douche think he’s kidding bringing up the word “marriage” in reference to these girls?! At VegasOdds.com, I believe “Bret Michaels Marrying a Rock of Love Cast Member” comes in just above “Britney Spears Eats Babies” – which isn’t to say it’s impossible; it’s just not likely to happen… we hope… in both cases.

Heather’s parents show up first, and are pretty much exactly what you’d expect would raise a white trash stripper at Scores in Vegas… which is not to say I don’t like them. Trust me, out of all of the parents that I’d get along with, it would probably be Heather’s parents – I have relatives just like them.

Next are Jes’s parents. Now, Bret admits that he was afraid that Jes’s parents were going to be, “an uptight banker and his completely arrogant trophy wife”.

Nope! That’s actually the description of Lacey’s parents. Jes’s parents, meanwhile, are cool, down to earth, and utterly normal. A little too “white bread” for my tastes, but they’re still cool. They just don’t make for good reality TV – which probably means that they’re the best human beings as a whole out of the bunch.

Ahhhh… Lacey’s parents. At first, I was expecting Bret to open the door, and have it just be a couple of rabies infested wolves standing at the door.

After a few minutes of Lacey’s parents being on the screen, I kind of wish they were. But, since Heather’s date is first, we’ll save that for later in the blog.

So, Bret takes Heather and her ‘rents to the Saddle Ranch. I’ve driven by there many a time, and though I’ve never actually been inside I’ve heard it’s fabulous. It looked like fun on the episode.

Heather is amazed at having both of her parents together for the show because, “This is only the second time I’ve seen my parents together in the same room in my life – that I can remember.”

Oh, that entire sentence explains a WHOLE lot about the enigma that is Heather.

So, at the Saddle Ranch, the four of them are kickin’ back some brewskies ‘n shootin’ the shit (sorry, I have to get into character with these people). Heather’s Mom, Brenda, motioned to her father, David, and says, “Hey… tell them about the Chinese… you know…”

I’m thinking to myself, “Oh! See, they’ve been to China, and they’ve made some observations on Chinese culture and society. See! They’re not backwater rubes.”

However, it soon becomes clear that when she’s says, “the Chinese”, she is referring to a singular Chinese man that Heather’s father sat next to on a plane flight once.

As if that’s not bad enough, here’s his story about, you know, “the Chinese”:

*silence*… I mean, REALLY, what the hell can you say to that? Seriously, where can one even begin?

Moving along…

So, Bret dares Heather to ride the bull. (Hmmm… a stripper with fake boobs riding a bull… I wonder what will happen next!)

Because Heather has had so much experience doing the reverse cowgirl, she stays on quite a long time before (inevitably) being forcibly removed by said mechanical bull. (I guess even machines can sense a burning sensation.)

In her confessional, Heather states, “The bull starts shimmy-shakin’. My tatters are flip-floppin’ everywhere. People are cheerin’. Gosh.”

You read that right, folks – “tatters”. ????????? Never heard them referred to that before. Then again, I haven’t been a stripper at Scores Las Vegas for five years. I guess we should all be glad that she’s only enlightened us to the word “tatters”. I shudder to think what else they’ve been referred to as in the course of her career.

So, Bret says he had a great time and really got along well with her parents. NO! You don’t say! An aging 80’s rocker getting along well with some drunk good ol’ boy, trailer park residents while drinking from a beer bong and watching one of his stripper chew toys “tatters” flying all over the place on a mechanical bull?!

Next you’re going to tell me that Paris Hilton takes Valtrex!

Moving along…

The next date is with Jes and her parents. Bret takes the three of them to one of his favorite stores in Melrose, Rock and Roll Religion. They are greeted by “fashion expert” Michelle.

Just because the lady has a British accent does NOT make her a “fashion expert”. In fact, she proceeds to dress up Jes’s clearly middle-America, normal as can be parents in the following:

Where does she get her fashion sense from: Gene Simmons’ post-show wadded up tissues?

(Look, even Bret Michaels is pointing at them and laughing! Dickwad, you’re the one that dragged them there in the first place! Do you think you look any less ridiculous?)

Bret says he also had a great date with Jes and her family. (Personally, I’d be pissed if I were Jes. “The other girls get to go out and eat, and I have to go shopping for crappy clothes that make me look like Avril Lavigne with my parents and some stupid British twat? WTF?!”)

Finally, Bret decides to take Lacey’s parents out to a nice dinner at some joint named “Eat”. (I actually googled it, and the official name is “eat. on sunset”. It’s run by Joachim Splichal, the head of the Patina Group: this TOTALLY killer restaurant & catering group. My friend’s rehearsal day breakfast was catered by them at Descanso Gardens, and I pretty much ate my entire body weight in their cheese alone. Don’t even get me started on what I did to the pasta and salad – I still can’t believe I was actually able to get into my bridesmaid dress.)

Sorry, I know I do those side rants that no one gives a crap about. I’m just frickin’ starving right now. In fact, let me hit up the local all-you-can-eat Indian buffet, and I’ll come back to this in about an hour…

(Approximately 1 hr. later)

Dahhhhhhhhhh… love their Channa Masala… want to bathe in it…

Anywho, back to the show. Immediately, we get to see just what a giant asshole Lacey’s dad is. It becomes pretty clear where Lacey has gotten her douchey personality from.

First of all, let’s have a look at the quintessential examples of an asshole Dallas tycoon and his trophy mistress – I mean wife, now! WIFE!



They’re exactly like you pictured them, aren’t they?

So, Lacey’s douchey dad goes right to work on Bret. He pretty much interrogates him, which in itself is not what I take issue with. Hell, if MY daughter went on a reality dating show where she was one of 20 chew toys of a washed up hair metal band singer, I wouldn’t even bother showing up – I’d be too busy writing her out of the will.

It’s just that he’s such a cocky ASS about it. And, we soon find out that his questioning is not really about Lacey. Much like everything else in Mr. Lacey’s Dad’s life, IT’S ALL ABOUT HIM. He says to Bret, “I happen to be a very wealthy man… so [if you marry my daughter] I hope you know there’d be a prenup involved.”

“Brass ones” doesn’t even begin to illustrate the set this dude is carting around. He makes Cisco Adler look like he hasn’t even hit puberty, yet.

Later, Bret is feeling the pressure, and trying to get the conversation off of him and his intentions for Lacey (other than the current use of sperm receptacle), he asks, “Is there some kinda hot sauce on those fries, or is it just my tongue that’s on fire?”

If there is any doubt in your mind as to what kind of person Lacey’s dad is (whose name is “Otis”, BTW, which means he’s got to be over 100 years old since no one has named their children that since the 19th century), the next words out of his mouth ought to eliminate any doubts: “I think it’s all the lies you’re telling.”

Now, anyone who’s read any of these reality TV blogs knows that I am not exactly a Bret Michaels fan. But, this dude has done nothing other than be very polite to you and your trophy trollop, and answer your inane questions about his intentions for your daughter, whom we all know is at best a beat off rag for Mr. Michaels, and is lucky she’s even that. Otis is a royal douche and a half. No wonder Lacey is such “a waste of sperm and egg”.

The last little bit we see of the dinner, is Otis asking Bret, “So, do you have any hair under that hat?”

OK, that is pretty frickin’ hilarious. He’s still a douche, though.

Back at the house, Lacey and her Dad walk in on Heather hanging out topless. (You seem surprised.) Lacey gets all indignant about how Heather can possibly walk around topless with her father in the room.

Well, Lacey:

A.) You’re father wasn’t IN the room when she was relaxing alone & topless
B.) It’s her fucking room

C.) He sure as hell didn’t waste any time sitting on your bed and watching her run around topless to find a shirt

Ewwww! He even has a drink in his hand!

(I’m telling you, that graphic will NEVER get old.)

Heather pretty much summarizes what everyone is thinking, albeit with a 3rd grader’s vernacular: “So I walk out and Lacey’s dad is completely staring into my tatters. It’s, like, freaking me out. Creepy, creepy, creeperton.”

Oh Heather, the wonderful times we could have had together if only you weren’t a 32-year old stripper with Bret Michaels’s name tattooed on your neck…

So, Lacey continues to be a complete bitch, and when showing her “mother” (AKA: her Dad’s trophy whore) the stripper pole in the living room, she shouts at Heather, “Hey Heather! Why don’t you come down here and show us some of your stripper moves?”

Yeah, because we haven’t seen you rub your diseased cooter all over it for free during the entire course of the show. Good gosh, you seriously couldn’t pay me enough to touch the stripper pole in the “Rock of Love” house. There are diseases on there that scientists haven’t even discovered, yet.

So, Bret thinks it’s a great idea to have dinner with the three families. (Great for reality TV, but not so great for anyone who is actually hungry in that house.)

Lacey’s dad (I still can’t believe his name is “Otis”) thinks it’s appropriate dinner conversation to say, “How ‘bout everyone give their bios.” He actually says that – bios.

Jes tells her story about how she did something, was OK at it, didn’t like it, now’s a bartender… sorry, I wasn’t really listening to her. This show was all about the Heather and Lacey dynamic. Jes is just coasting along at this point for the win.

Heather then goes up and says she graduated from college with “a couple of degrees”, one being a BA in Communications. (Do they teach you about “tatters” in Communications? I know they didn’t over in the English Department.)

Of course, then she gets to the part where she says that she “fell into dancing. Just like that! Dancing was the well to her Baby Jessica. (Ten million points if you get that reference.)

Lacey’s dad acts like the condescending a-hold that he is (while deluding himself into thinking he’s fooling everyone into thinking he’s a charitable softie), and says to Heather, “Well, I can connect you up with Time-Warner. They’re a client of mine.”

1. You can pay Time-Warner to “connect you up” – they are a cable provider after all. (I know, horrible pun, but I had to do it.)
2. That’s the least you can do after staring at her hooters earlier without even giving her a good tip.
3. You are such a douche.

Heather, in her confessional, has the perfect response: “Dude, shut the fuck up. Worry about yourself… and that lying daughter of yours.”

Otis then goes on to brag about the apple of his eye, Lacey. While Lacey has portrayed herself as a “starving artist” in Bret’s own words, her dad reveals that she doesn’t have to work, because she lives off of her “investments”.

OK, coming from a somewhat wealthy family myself, I can tell you EXACTLY what that means. Her dad pays for everything via an allowance. Call it what you want to, but that’s exactly what it is – money that he gave to her for no other reason than she’s his daughter. Trust.

He then goes on to say, “She plays the stock market.”

If by stock market you mean Bret Michaels’s penis, then yes, she does play the “stock market”.

Anyway, dinner goes to hell in a handbasket when Heather starts calling Lacey out on all of the nasty things she’s done since being at the house. I would too, especially since her dad keeps going on and on about how smart/rich/perfect/virginal Lacey is. Lacey deflects most of it, until her “mother” helps her escape to the kitchen.

Seriously, they’re probably almost the same age, folks.

Dinner is pretty much ruined, so everyone goes to bed.

The next day, Lacey goes over to Bret while he’s working out. (Gotta work off the “coke bloat” somehow.) She starts doing what she’s known best for: talking shit and manipulating. However, this time she’s talking about Heather.

Heather just so happens to be standing on the balcony over them and hears all the shit Lacey’s talking about her. She charges down there and confronts Lacey for talking about her and her family. Lacey at first looks like a possum about to be swallowed by a bear, but then regains her composure and keeps trying to explain herself by starting every sentence with “Sweetie, listen…” Heather ain’t playin’ that shit though, and tells her, “Don’t call me sweetie!” She then calls her out for being the manipulative, back-stabbing bitch that she is and storms back into the house.

Bret seems genuinely upset about this fight, and tells Lacey she’d better go patch things up with Heather. (AKA: Get the fuck away from me ho, I need to struggle to lift these 10 lbs. dumb bells without any witnesses.)

So, Lacey and Heather meet up inside in the most epic battle of the whole “Rock of Love” season. Of course, Lacey’s douchey dad and her brain dead trophy mom enter the room while Heather is ripping Lacey a new asshole.

Heather accuses Lacey of riding her coattails throughout the show (that’s sad if you have to ride someone’s coattails on a shitty reality TV show), and adds, “When you’re dad sees the show, he is gonna DIE.” Lacey tries to act all calm and dignified (neither of which should ever appear in the same sentence as Lacey), but pretty much gets served by a 32 year old Vegas stripper.

Harsh.

Heather then directly addresses “Otis”, and says flat out to him, “You’re daughter is a slut!” Otis looks absolutely incredulous, and stammers back with the eloquent, “Hey hey hey!” Ooooh, DIS! She then says to Lacey, “Are you going to tell him about how you’re the only one who’s done all the sexual shit with Bret in the house?!” Lacey stammers back, “That’s not true!”

And then the bombshell comes – Heather screams back at her, “I saw you suck his dick!!!”

Ladies and gentlemen, this is craptastic television at its finest.

Otis responds with the seethingly witty comeback of, “Yeah? Well… you’re trashy.”

*sigh*

1.) Duh. Tell us something we don’t know.
2.) As trashy as she is WITHOUT sucking Bret Michaels’s dick, how much more so is your daughter for doing so?
3.) Great comeback. *dripping sarcasm*

Lacey then goes psychotic in her confessional (because that’s what crazy people do). She claims that Heather can insult her all she wants, but “don’t disrespect my parents. What did they ever do to you?”

Another numbered list…

1.) She wasn’t disrespecting your parents. She was calling you about for trying to hide the whore that you are in front of them.
2.) You’re dad acted like a condescending dick to Heather at dinner last night, barged in on her while she was half naked in her room, then proceeded to lay back on the bed (and I still can’t get over the fact that he even had a drink in his hand) and proceeded to ogle Heather’s naked flesh – without tipping!

Then, Lacey does her typical shpeal about, “Don’t fuck with my friends or family, or you’re dead, blah blah blah.”

See, here is my #1 problem with Lacey – she’s all about talking a lot of shit and acting hard. But, she never backs it up!!! Lacey has said she’s going to beat the other chicks in the house down, that she’ll fuck anyone up who gets in her way, don’t disrespect her family or she’ll kill you, etc. BUT, when it actually comes time to get physical, Lacey has gotten her ass handed to her by Jes, Dallas, Rodeo, and Heather!

You’re not a bad ass. Now, take your Prozac, and write in your dream journal, “sweetie”.

So, understandably Lacey’s father is perturbed with this news. He marches out with his daughter to confront Bret. He greets Bret with a, “Sorry to bother you there, Big Boy…”

Does his trophy wife know he’s talking to other men like that? Feh, like she cares. She’s too busy buying another Malta-poo.

Being from Dallas, he cuts right to the chase, “Did my daughter suck your dick?”

WHOA THERE, COWBOY!!!

And, that’s exactly what Bret’s face says, too.

Lacey then turns on the waterworks and claims that Heather was disrespectful by telling her father that she sucked his dick. (NOTE: Neither Lacey or Bret deny this fact, folks!!!)

Apparently moved by her tears, Otis CLAIMS that it’s none of his business what his 31 year old daughter’s sex life consists of, but you just know he’s going through his mental rolodex to see who would be the best person to contract for the hit on Michaels’s life.

All right, so this blog is way too dang long already, so I’ll just cut to eliminations. (I always say I’m gonna do better, and I never do! WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!) =…( Thanks for putting up with my blathering ass… not literally, of course. That would be a rather disgusting condition requiring immediate medical attention.

So, the three remaining girls stand there with their parents, whom Bret then sends off. He calls Jes up first. (Again, no big surprise there. She’s pretty much been the only source of peace and quiet in the house this past week.)

So, it’s the final showdown between Lacey and Heather. Bret says he’s impressed by Heather’s dedication with the tattoo (dedication or retardation – just because they rhyme doesn’t mean they’re synonyms, Bret), but that Lacey is driven. (Driven many a man to the grave with her cooch of death.)

Bret calls Lacey to the front, and for a minute I’m ready to turn off the TV and take out my rage on a plate of spaghetti. But, Bret then tells Lacey that there are parts of her that he loves, but then there are parts of her that are (to use my own words) pretty much compiled of all the reasons that genocides occur. He thanks her for being there, but tells her that “her tour is up”.

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally, this stupid, bitchy cunt is off my television for good! *weeps for joy* No longer do I have to hear about all the bad ass shit she’s going to do, only to watch her just go and tattle on people to Bret. Good riddance, cum dumpster! Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out – seriously, it’ll leak all over the floor, and we don’t need another “Sumthin’” episode on VH1. (Another ten million points if you get that reference.)

So, Heather gets her pass, and Bret reveals that the final ceremony will take place in Cabo San Lucas. Heather is excited because that’s where she filmed her first “Girls Gone Wild” DVD.

Next week is the prerequisite “clip show” that shows all of the boring stuff that these (for the most part) dumb, used-up slags did while they were in the house that didn’t originally make it to air.

Wait a minute… that means I’m going to have to see Lacey’s stankin’ ass again!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheers,

E

(NOTE: All pictures are from VH1's Rock of Love Blog.)

Craptastic Television Review (Episode 3)

TODAY’S EPISODE: Rock of Love, Episode 9, “Vegas, Baby!”

I am sorely disappointed in VH1’s episode naming staff this week.

And, yes, I AM going to skip doing a review of Episode 8. I never got to see it. My girl, Sam, is gone, and it’s just as well. She’s far too good for Bret.

Why do I watch this show when I don’t even like the “main character”? I have no idea. There, are you happy?

Anywho, this episode starts with Heather showing off her retarded ass tattoo that she got last week. (Sorry, I know I did miss a lot by not doing the Episode 8 Review.) For those of you who only keep up with the show via my blog (which is all of you), on their one-on-one date last week, Bret took Heather to a tattoo parlor, and dared her to get a tattoo of his name on her. Narcissistic much?

She did. (Moron, much?)

So, Heather says, “I’m rockin’ the tattoo I got for MY MAN.”

1. He’s not your man. At best, he’s your “once in a while fuck buddy”.
2. 90% of people who get their significant others’ names tattooed on them end up breaking up within the next 6 months. You’re not even “significant others” – what does that say about your odds?

You were starting to actually grow on me, Heather. Now, you’ve gone and done something like this? You’re making Paris Hilton look like a Rhodes Scholar.

So, the Bret Mail comes, and it turns out that they’re all going to “Sin City” (AKA: Las Vegas) to watch him in concert and to spend a couple of nights out there with him.

Hmmm… two strippers, one psycho, one tough chick, and a bloated, ego-maniacal aging rock star in Vegas… did they approve the script for the sequel to “Showgirls” (the epitome of a craptastic movie)? I can’t wait!

So, they all go to Vegas, they talk about how awesome their room is at this place called “The Red Rock Inn”. (Off the Strip? *cough* cheap ass *cough*) Soon enough, the girls pair off into Jes & Brandi and Lacey & Heather – not for any challenge, mind you. They just pair up because they can’t stand the others.

Heather and Lacey end up taking a bubble bath together because… well, I’m not sure why. If you’re a dirty skank, how do you think you’re going to get yourself clean by bathing with another dirty skank? It just makes the water extra dirty and skanky! It’s like you’re doubling up!

Oh wait, now I get their reasoning.

I will say this… Heather looks SO infinitely better when she’s not skanked out. I mean, seriously guys, what would you be less afraid to stick your peckers into, this:

Or this:

You liars.

Anywho, Lacey and Heather talk about taking Brandi out, while Brandi talks to Jes about how they should ex Heather out by getting her really smashed. (FORESHADOWING MUSIC: Remember this plan later.)

Jes says in her interview: “I really don’t have a huge plan, but I know I don’t want to get completely wasted and make an ass of myself. I can let the other girls do that and I know that they will.”

THANK YOU! Someone remaining on this show isn’t a complete idiot.

That being said, I hope Bret doesn’t choose her (though I’m betting right now he will), because she’s way too good for him.

See, a sick part of me wants Bret to pick Lacey, solely because I really do think he’s a hypocritical, egomaniac of a douche – which is precisely what Lacey is. Why ruin two other people’s lives when it’s possible to make the dating pool a little less murky by taking these two out together?

Of course, that does leave horrific ramifications for the gene pool… *shudders*

OK, I promise I’m going to TRY and not blather on so much in this blog. I’m not promising I’ll succeed – I’m promising I’ll try.

So, they go to Bret’s concert, and they lick his nutsack in the interviews. “Oh my gosh, it was one of the best shows ever! He looked so hot. His singing was amazing, blah, blah, blah.”

LIES!!!!

It sucked ass. I wouldn’t go to that show if it were free. Heck, I wouldn’t go to that show if you paid me to be an extra (although apparently VH1 was successful enough with that to get around 200 concert goers to the venue. Seriously, folks, it was sad.)

After the show, all the girls (of course) try to grind up on Bret. He happily obliges for a few minutes, then says he has to get ready for dinner. He invites his three trollops (and Jes) to kick it for a bit with his “band” (not Poison, for the record).

Lacey and Brandi take this opportunity to get shit faced drunk the likes of which I have not seen when I puked on that married guy who was hitting on me in the VIP Room of RA. (Absolutely no regrets there; I just feel bad for the waitress who had to clean up.)

A drunken Lacey is pretty much exactly like a sober Lacey, except her words are a bit more slurred, and “the crazy” is a bit more laughable.

Just because my distaste for her is so great, allow me to post some pictures of the drunken skank sloshed off her rocker:

At this point Lacey starts harassing Brandi, who in her drunken stupor lets out a loud fart ON Lacey. (Good gosh, I love this show.) She then turns to a laughing Lacey, and says, “Get the fuck away from me. I just farted.”

OK, Brandi just officially won her way back into my heart.

Big John comes back in and tells the girls to come meet Bret for dinner. (He’s gotta keep that bloat up somehow, and the coke just ain’t gonna cut it!) Lacey starts running off at her drunken, non-functioning mouth. Big John becomes my hero of the minute when he yells at her, “Lacey, shut the fuck up and come on!” She then holds her hand up to have him help her up, and he leaves her in the cold.

So friggin’ awesome.

All right, so the girls somehow manage to make it to Bret’s suite, where Lacey and Brandi continue to make drunken, slutty asses out of myself, Lacey in particular.

Lacey climbs on the bar, and starts talking drunk talk at all of the girls – even her supposed “girl”, Heather. Lacey gets right in Jes’s face and says, “I think you all are fake.” Jes smirks and asks why. “Because… all fou wanna dew izzzzzz party,” she ironically slurs.

Then comes the best part of the episode thus far: Lacey falling on her drunken ass, nearly right off the bar. Can I get a clip of that?

Man, I could watch that all day.

LMAO! Look at Heather’s completely unfazed face! Man, if she hadn’t gotten that stupid tattoo, I might just actually like her. Ahhhh, what could have been…

Bret comes in the room, and is “pissed off” because he says, “The girls are drunk!” Well, Brandi and Lacey are, but Heather and Jes are still alive and well.

Lacey continues to act like such a fucking mess throughout dinner that Bret summons Big John to carry her back to her room.

Brandi, meanwhile, gets sicker and sicker. Heather (being the vindictive bitch that I begrudgingly like her for) finds out from Brandi that oysters make her nauseous. So, what does Heather do? Eat a shitload of oysters right next to Brandi.

(Passive-Aggressiveness, thy name is Heather.)

Of course, the expected finally happens with Brandi illustrating television’s first look at “the puke fountain”:

It looks even worse than it sounds.

Jes then (brilliantly) remarks: “Bret should have known that it was gonna be impossible to have a nice dinner with two drunk Froot Loops and a f***in’ hungry stripper!”

BRET MICHAELS: For Jes’s sake, don’t pick her.

Bret takes Brandi to the bathroom, where she confesses, in between heaves, “Bret, I love you, and for you I’ll let my guard down.”

Bret says this is one of the most touching moments of his life. I suddenly feel great pity for Bret Michaels… OK, it’s gone.

At this point, Bret is pissed that dinner is ruined. He decides to take Jes back to his room “for a nightcap” since she helped him to take care of Lacey and Brandi. Heather proceeds to clean house of the remaining food, making the butler pack up just about everything separately to take back to her room with her. (For the record, that’s exactly what I would do, too.)

BTW: Who the fuck uses the term “nightcap” anymore?! I’d have more respect for him, New York, and Flavor Flav if they just said what they meant: “Bitches, I’m gonna sample this particular piece of merchandise back in my room – doggy style. I’ll let you all back on my nuts in the morning.”

Yes, New York would say that, too. HBIC doesn’t take shit from a bunch of bitch ass, whiny boys!

The next morning, Bret says that they “We got to learn each other… um, both inside and out.”

EWWWWWW.

Jes then confirms, “I feel much closer to him physically… emotionally… and sexually.”

EWWWWWWWWW!!!!

Jes, you’re a good woman! Have some flippin’ respect for yourself! He’s already let no less than 10 different women play with his man meat over the course of the past three weeks. Where’s your dignity?!

Bret then sends Jes back to LA so that he can spend more time with Lacey, Heather, and Brandi.

We then pan to the Three Skankateers waking up. Brandi says to Heather that she knows Bret is not the man for her.

And, she thinks Lacey and Heather aren’t going to bring this up to Bret immediately because…

Bret meets the remaining hos by the pool. Upon seeing them, he states, “They’re looking torn up from the floor up.” (It’s “tore up from the floor up”, for the record, Bret.) He then adds, “Brandi looks like she’s been beat up.”

He takes each girl into a private cabana for massage time. Heather is first. She doesn’t rat on Brandi because she wants Brandi to do it herself. (Also, she doesn’t want to look like a snitch, and she knows Lacey will snitch anyway. Good call, Heather.)

Brandi comes in, and says she was having some doubts that she “wasn’t good enough for him.”

(Brandi, a boiled egg is too good for Bret Michaels. I know you’re a whore, but give yourself SOME credit.)

Bret assures her she IS good enough, and sends her back to the pool. When she returns, Heather asks her if she spoke to Bret about what she said earlier. She said, “Yeah.” And, her “yeah” clearly states, “Fuck no, bitches.”

Lacey is having none of that, and proceeds to blab to Bret about the whole episode with Brandi earlier that day. Bret calls her malicious and crazy to her face (finally), but admits there is something about Brandi that he doesn’t trust.

Later that night, he decides to take Lacey and Heather to dinner (opting to send the still aching Brandi home). It is here that the Lacey/Heather alliance comes crumbling down.

Bret tells Heather he doesn’t want to get hurt by her, and says that “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” was written about a stripper who broke his heart.

BOO FUCKING HOO, BRET!!!! What a load of bullshit if I ever heard it! No shit a stripper is not going to be faithful to you! And, you’re not going to be faithful to her either, because YOU HANG OUT WITH STRIPPERS ALL THE TIME! I feel ZERO sympathy for him on this one.

He then goes on to explain that he’s afraid of “pole emotions” with Heather. See, I thought he was talking about how sweet and friendly she is when he has those crisp fiddies, but once he’s run out of all his cash and he’s rummaging around for some rusty nickels, she’s back to going down on that Saudi sheik in the champagne room.

According to him, though, “Here’s the thing with Heather, and I call it, pole emotions, right? And by pole emotions, I mean, can I get her off that pole and get her onto my pole? It’s a big, big thought going through my mind right now.”

1. Ewww.
2. I think you’re giving your “pole” a little too much credit here. It’s definitely not a “big, big thought” from what’s going around in the groupie circles. (I know I wouldn’t know, but I love insulting an asshole’s manhood any chance I get.)

3. If you’re even close to being as wealthy as the show makes you out to be, you can get her off “the pole” and onto “your pole”. Hell, all it takes is some lukewarm onion rings, a double wide trailer, and a 6 pack of Coors Lite!

Ugh, that makes me want to puke even typing in reference to Bret’s… pole. Uh oh… here it comes…

That’s going to come in SO handy over the next few months.

So, Lacey goes on to say her “manic-depression” as Bret refers to it was caused by her mom’s untimely death. While I’m certainly not going to make fun of Lacey’s pain, I’m calling straight up bullshit on that one.

I have several friends getting their Master’s and Doctorates in Psychology, and they’ll tell you that psychologists don’t put people on medications, first of all. It’s psychiatrists who do the prescribing of medications.

Secondly, psychiatrists don’t prescribe medications to people who are depressed because of genuine trauma for long term usage. They usually recommend verbal therapy, and in extreme cases will prescribe something to help over a two week to a month period.

So, Lacey saying she’s on medication for depression directly related to her Mom’s death, and NOT some genuine sort of psychological problem is some straight up bullshit. Trust me on this one, folks. Being completely batshit insane myself, I know a thing or two about the fields of psychology and psychiatry.

Despite this, her crying act gets Bret to take her back for the “nightcap”, leaving Heather in the cold for the second night in a row. She officially calls off her alliance with Lacey in her interview.

Back at the room, Lacey talks more crap, professes that she’s here for Bret (mhmm…), and fucks him. What?! It’s bloody true!

Cut to eliminations time. Jes gets her pass first, and I’m calling her right now as the winner of the show. Lacey is called next, further proving that Bret is both a sucker and an idiot incapable of heeding the warning signs of a psychopath. Oh well.

So, it’s down to Heather and Brandi. They go back and forth about who said what about wanting to be with whom. Brandi admits she did say, “Bret’s not the one for me,” which Heather promptly hammers home to Bret. Brandi kind of back pedals though and says she’s just confused. (Pole emotions?)

Bret is clearly agitated at this point. Finally, he asks Brandi if she wants to stay there. She says, “Honestly, I don’t think I can let my guard down.”

Bret stammers, “Duh, uh, say that again?”

“I don’t think I can let my guard down.”

Bret then goes off on her about how she lied to him, she could have told him that a long time ago, oh and accuses her of “playing with people’s emotions”.

Oh, I’m sorry, I thought YOU were the one with 20 different women in your house, pitting them against each other, and purposely making them jealous of one another for the sake your own ego and libido! My mistake!

So, Brandi pretty much eliminates herself. What’s very interesting is Big John followed her up the door, which he didn’t need to do. Conspiracy theories (yes, they exist in the Rock of Love blogosphere) say that Bret MEANT to give the last VIP pass to Brandi, but he had Big John switch the passes so that he could give Heather her pass at the end. I mean, it was obvious that he was genuinely butt sore about Brandi “playing” him. *rolls eyes* Why would he act like that if he was just going to eliminate her anyway?

So, it’s down to Heather, Jes, and Lacey. Next week, it’s time for Bret to meet the girls’ parents. It looks like it’s going to be the final showdown between Heather and Lacey. Good stuff people… and by “good”, I of course mean “craptastic”. =)

Cheers,

E

(NOTE: All pictures are from VH1's Rock of Love Blog.)

Can I Ask a Question?

On what sick, demented planet is THIS:

… considered fat?!?!

I would give my theoretical left nut to have legs and an ass like Britney’s here.

Let’s get this straight: Yes, Britney’s “comeback” opener was a joke. But, for any of you who actually managed to make it through the entire show, was there anything at the VMA’s that was NOT a completely abysmal joke? Damn, at least Britney’s “joke” made me smile a bit. That’s a helluva lot more than Sarah Silverman’s entire act did.

Secondly, yes, Britney is heavier than she was at 21. Women of the world, raise your hand if you DON’T weigh at least 10 lbs. more than you did at 21. *cricket chirps* Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Thirdly, this woman had TWO kids within TWO years. If I have two kids and my body looks like hers, I’m going to pick my kids up from school in the same dang outfit she wore for the show. Hellz yes, I am!

See, here’s my issue with the whole “Britney Bombed” backlash – fat asses calling Britney fat.

If Britney is what counts as “fat” today, then I’m officially going to end my life by eating myself to death with In ‘N Out grilled cheeses. (Hot dang, those are good.)

If people want to hate on her extensions, I’ll have to agree. If they want to say her performance was awful, I’ll be nodding my head. If they want to say that she looked like she wasn’t completely there, and half-assed her way through the entire show, I’m going to stand on my chair and scream, “TESTIFY!”

But, by no means do any of these reporters have any right to call Britney fat. I guarantee you the VAST majority of people calling Britney “fat” are truly fat (or at least flabby) themselves.

Besides, I’ve heard major buzz from several different outlets that people like the song. (I’m talking like I actually have some industry connections – I don’t.) People love a “come-from-behind” story. (I’m so not going to even go there with the puns on that one… though I want to so bad!)

I do think there are still a lot of people rooting for Britney, myself included. She can still make a comeback. That just wasn’t it.

But, there’s no need to rub extra salt into some already pretty flippin’ salty wounds. She’s not fat, and people who say she is are emphasizing everything that is wrong with the perception of women in Hollywood. Seriously guys, if you had to (and all previous medical & mental history aside), would you rather bang this:

Or this:

I rest my case.

Cheers,

E

I LOVE NEW YORK 2: The “Men” Revealed

So, quite possibly my favorite out of all the VH1 craptastic shows of all time, I Love New York, is now getting its marketing on as VH1 gears up for its 2nd season’s release on October 8th. It WOULD BE one of my most anticipated TV viewing dates… but I’ll be in Australia.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

OK, yes, I’m totally psyched about going to Australia (Oct. 5-22), but that means I will miss not one, not two, but more than likely the THREE earliest episodes of I Love New York 2! I’ll never catch up. *sobs*

All right, I know this blog isn’t about me having to “suffer” on my two week tour through Australia. It’s about the newest updates on VH1.com. I just can’t get over the timing.

Today, VH1 just released the first pictures of the 20 new men vying for New York’s heart. Without any further ado, here are the lucky 20 gents:



Crapsicles.

FIRST: There is not one single man up in this picture that I would touch with a 1,000 foot pole. Dang, is this really what all was out there? I don’t even have to watch the show, and I can tell you there’s gonna be an “I Love New York 3”. None of them look like they can handle the HBIC.

SECOND: Yes, that is a “little person” in the front row. And, yes, he is a contestant.

Is this not going to be the greatest VH1 craptastic show EVER?!?!?!

Oh, and according to VH1, he goes by the name “Midget Mac”. You really can’t make this shit up, people.

Why, oh why couldn’t this start in November?!?!?! I’m going to return from my Australia trip, and I’m going to have to beg and plead with Scott to watch the “catch up” episodes. (I’m sure he’s happier than a pig in shit to read that I’m going to miss the first three episodes – you sick, twisted bastard!)

Well, I’m a dedicated “I Love New York” viewer, and where there is a will, there’s a way. And, there is most DEFINITELY a will here.

Cheers,

E

PS: The next person who compares Lacey on “Rock of Love” to New York is getting a serious boot to the head. Lacey isn’t fit to munch on New York’s discarded weave (though we all know she would).

Rock of Love Episode 9 review should be here by Wednesday – not that any of you care. *sob* Feh, I wouldn’t either if I were you.

CNN Is Desperate

I get so pissed off when I quote an independent news source, and people say, “Why should I believe them? It’s not like they’re CNN. I’ll believe it when I see it there.”

It’s incredible to me that so many people think that CNN is this hallowed institution that is unbiased and always accurate. I trust CNN no more than I trust Fox News – basically meaning I don’t trust them at all.

CNN is owned by AOL/Time Warner. I’m not even going to attempt to list everything that AOL/Time Warner owns, but if you go here, there’s a (for the most part) complete and updated list of what all they have their sticky little fingers in.

After looking at that list, ask yourself this question: “How many different companies advertise in all of these different media owned by AOL Time Warner?”

The fact is you don’t really have to even come up with an answer to realize that maybe, just MAYBE AOL/Time Warner might be… let’s just say “behooved” to their advertisers. Is it possible that perhaps the different interests of their advertisers, who have helped to make CNN one of the six conglomerates that owns 95% of all media, might affect what stories are reported on CNN, and just exactly how they are presented?

You bet your sweet bippy they do.


“HEADLINE” NEWS?

I do check CNN.com a few times a week just to see what is being reported in the mainstream media. Of course, it’s almost always skewed; or, if a story is particularly dangerous it’s hidden or not reported on at all. Still, it’s good to know what bullshit is being put out there so as to be sure and get the proper tools to fight it.

As I was reading the CNN Homepage this morning, I realized just how low they have sunk. Allow me to present a few of their “headlines” for you:

1. “Warren Buffet’s Wife Thwarts Robbery” --> Oooooooh!!! Well, send her the fucking Medal of Honor!

2. “Cop Charged in Police Dog’s Hot Car Death” --> Good, but this is something I’d expect to see as a headline on a local news channel – not, oh I don’t know, CNN.

3. “Early adopters sour over iPhone Price Cut” --> A: Who “adopts” a cell phone? It’s a phone, not a Chinese orphan. B: Did these people NOT think that Apple would reduce the iPhone’s price after a few months? Someone clue them in to Marketing 101, please. C: This is more important than the War in Iraq or 40 million people infected with AIDS… how now?

4. ”Pit Bull Attacks Mom Carrying Baby” --> OK, ORIGINALLY, this headline read “Pit Bull Attacks Mom Throwing Baby in Trash”, but I guess they got around to correcting it before I could take the screen shot. (Stupid price quote requests.) Still, again, that sucks, but this is national/international news because…?

5. “Couple’s Video Welcomes Teen Sex Slave” --> I’m sorry, I thought I was going to CNN, not the NATIONAL ENQUIRER. Can we say “sensationalism”?

6. “Mutt on Voter Roll Puts Owner in Dog House” --> This actually could be a great investigative article into voter fraud and how vulnerable our American Democracy is. But, that would bring up questions of how secure our voting machines are (click here to actually read about that). And, seeing as Diebold makes both the voting machines that our country uses AND the majority of bank ATMs (several of whom advertise in multiple AOL Time Warner media outlets), CNN decides to turn this story into an extremely lame pun and a fluff piece (dang it, and now I must apologize for MY lame pun. I swear mine was accidental, though).

Kudos to you, CNN! Way to keep up your journalistic integrity.

7. “J. Lo. awarded $545K in suit against ex-hubby” --> Yeah, because if there’s one thing Jennifer Lopez needs, it’s more money. Oh, and way to go CNN for getting all “hip with the youngsters” by calling her “J. Lo.” instead of by her name, which she publically asked all media to do back in, like, 2005.

Shoot, even Perez Hilton is focusing more on whether or not Fidel Castro is still alive than this crap!

Oh well, at least they didn’t fuck up as royally as Fox News did. (Click Link for video)

Just in case you don’t believe me with these ridiculous stories, here’s the screenshot to prove that I’m not making this crap up:




SWEPT UNDER A RUG

So, what stories get relegated to the bottom of the page, or even entirely different pages under specific sections (ex.: “Travel”, “National”, “World”)?

1. “Bush, China’s Hu Tackle Thorny Issues” --> Oh yeah, because NOTHING interesting could come from a very tense meeting between the world’s only superpower and the nation trying to take it’s spot in the power hegemony. Nope, nothing interesting or that could possibly affect the daily lives of over 1/6 of the world’s population… (Under “World” Section)

2. “26,000 U.S., Iraqi Troops Go on Offensive” --> That thing’s still going on? Oh yeah… how’s that going by the way? Oh wait! Some kinky couple welcomes their teen sex slave in a video online. Let me go look at that video and pretend to be outraged by it… (Under “World” Section)

3. “Mind-controlled bionic arm plays piano” --> Oh, that couldn’t POSSIBLY have any implications for:
1. Psychology
2. Neurology
3. Multiple Sclerosis
4. Muscular Dystrophy
5. Cerebral Palsy
6. Paralysis
7. The Elderly
8. Amputees
9. Brain Cancer
10. Robotics
11. Biology
12. Religion
13. Family & Caretakers of those with limited mobility
14. Need I continue? (Under “Science” Section)

4. “Auditors: Homeland Security Gets Mixed Grades” --> No, I don’t have ANY interest in how the people responsible for the destruction of the vast majority of rights protected by the Constitution are doing with their newfound, illegal powers – especially since it sounds like they’re doing a pretty crappy job. Nope, no interest whatsoever. After all, we’ve got a new season of “Desperate Housewives” coming up. (Under “Politics” Section)

5. “Homes Entering Foreclosures at Record” --> Looks like there will be a lot more desperate, poor people on the street. Well, it’s a good thing Warren Buffet’s wife is on duty! (Under “Business” Section)


CNN = MINDLESS, BIASED DRIVEL

So, next time someone tells me, “Well, it isn’t on CNN, so it can’t be that important/true/accurate/etc.”, I’m officially going to burst at least three capillaries in my forehead.

Here’s a REAL news flash for you: QUESTION ALL MAINSTREAM MEDIA! The Internet has given the average American unprecedented access to all sorts of information (which is precisely why the government keeps trying to find ways to censor it). Don’t trust something just because it comes from a “big” media outlet. Do your own research, look at multiple sources, and decide for yourselves.

One of the most powerful weapons that the masses can ever have is the truth. Knowledge, truth, and the ability to use them can overcome a great many lies and evils.

Don’t believe the hype!

Cheers,

E

Craptastic Television Review (Episode 2)

TODAY’S EPISODE: Rock of Love, Episode 7, “Show Me Your Hits”

Man oh man, those VH1 execs sure have the creative juices a-flowin’ when it comes to their Celebreality TV show titles! Hope they have plenty of tissue around for cleaning up “the spillage”.

What am I saying? Of course they do! It’s “Rock of Love”, after all!

So, I actually missed the first couple of minutes of this week’s episode (stupid laundry), but I don’t think I missed anything important. When I came in, they were reading the “Bret Mail”, so I feel like I might as well just start there.

Bret Michaels basically likes to put these girls through challenges doing various tricks for him… and I’m not talking about the “circus” or “magician” type tricks either. Basically, this is the boot camp for the whore version of the Navy Seals. (The Whore Seals? Doesn’t have that much of a ring to it.)

Anywho, this week’s challenge is to go do a photo shoot for a hypothetical Bret Michaels album cover. (Hypothetical, of course, because your models having visible sores around their kibbles & bits is, to quote the inimitable John Brown, “Not a good look, bro.” Where is that guy nowadays?! HE needs his own Flavor of Love spinoff! Hallelujah, holla back.)

The girls show up at the shoot, and we meet Bret’s trusted photographer, Evo Lopez. I googled to find some of his photography, but I couldn’t find anything via the oracle. I then just typed in www.evolopez.com, but the “Evo” on that site spells it “Ivo”. Then again, growing up in LA I know how people trying to “make it” change their names every time some local starlet gets out of a car flashing her naked cooter to the paparazzi… so that’s like, every 15 minutes or so. Ironic timing, no?

Anyway, “Evo” breaks the girls up into two teams of three. Each team has to select two team members to be the models, and the third girl will be the “creative director” (AKA: skank ringleader). Whichever team wins will have the models go on a double date with Bret, while the creative director gets the (for some inexplicable reason) “coveted” one-on-one time with him.

The first team is Sam, Jes, and Lacey, with Mia, Heather, and Brandi M. on the second team. Seeing my two remaining favorites paired with Lacey was painful to watch. Despite the fact that Jes was the creative director on the team, Lacey pretty much butts in with her own (shitty) opinions on how everything should look because, in her own words, “I’ve been in a band for three years now. This is right up my alley.”

No, sweet cheeks, that would be a gang bang. And, all participants in together would still find your “alley” too roomy for their taste.

While Jes and Sam attempt to work around Lacey’s super-sized ego, Mia has to deal with Lacey’s favorite tag-along, Heather.

First of all, Heather looks more and more like a man to me every episode. Other than the fake titties, she’s built like a line-backer. Second of all, she’s got this delusional impression that she knows what is “sexy”. Every opportunity she gets, she says, “These girls don’t know shit about sexy”, and proceeds to display what the majority of humanity would define not as “sexy”, but rather as the epitome of the “star” of a donkey show.

So, basically Heather and Brandi come up with the brilliant idea that Brandi should dress up like a dude, and Heather should be a slutty whore on the car. (Hey, she does it everywhere else. Why not on a car?)

It hits me at this point that I might have been wrong about Randy – I mean “Brandi”. Last week, I thought she was pretending to be a lesbian to get Bret all excited about her. After her rampage in full male drag, I’m kind of thinking she might be pretending to be into DUDES in order to get attention. I mean, granted I tell people to suck my balls all the time, but I don’t stuff a sock down my pants and proceed to massage myself. She was just a little too into that whole “role-playing” scenario there.

Yeah, you keep living the dream there, Randy.

While the team of Leather and Randy (w/ ol’ “what’s-her-face”) get ready for their drag show, the other team comes up with the clichéd, and therefore sure to please Bret Michaels idea of girl-on-girl action in a bed. Basically, Sam plays the angel, and Lacey (what else?) the devil. (Perfect casting, for the record.)

They then try to come up with an album title. Oh Jimeny Christmas, as an English major and a writer, I knew this was going to be exceptionally painful for me. At one point, the Master’s Degree bound Sam suggests that they put their thesaurus caps on for a moment to think of a synonym for “angel”.

Lacey blurts out, “Goddess! How about goddess?”

*slams head repeatedly at work desk*

SINCE WHEN HAS “GODDESS” BEEN A SYNONYM FOR ANGEL?!?!?!?!?!

Seriously, this show is shaving, like, AT LEAST four years off of my life.

In Lacey’s defense, she’s a goddess in her own mind, and she doesn’t understand why no one else gets that. (Was Medusa a goddess, by the way? I could see her as THAT kind of goddess. Or maybe bat shit crazy Hera. But, Diana she ain’t.)

Anywho, I feel bad because Jes actually comes up with the “winning” album title: “How about, ‘When Love Dances with the Devil’?”

*winces*

Oh man, Jes. You’ve hit me hard. *wheezes* I want to like you SO BAD, girl! You rip on (and beat down) both Heather and Lacey. You don’t let anyone push you around. But, then… you go and say shit like that and… man… you’re making it WAY more difficult than you need to here.

Of course, in case you didn’t catch just exactly how shitty of an album name that is, let me just confirm its suckitude by mentioning that Lacey immediately loves it. Then, when it becomes clear that the team is going to use it, she makes sure to add in her confessional time that the title was one of her (many) ideas. (Believe me, I WISH Lacey could be blamed for that stinker of an album title.)

After picking their (terrible) album title, Lacey and Sam get all skanked out (although I must say Sam looked phuckin’ PHIERCE), and started rolling around on the bed for the photo shoot. Of course, Lacey had to flap her big mouth during the entire shoot with that retarded ass lip piercing making it even harder to understand the already nonsensical gibberish spewing forth from her. Even the photographer was ready to backhand a ho after 15 minutes or so. (Dag-bloody-nabit, I subconsciously rhymed again. Feh, get used to it.)

After the pain that is watching Lacey attempt to be sexy (which is about as sexy as when Hannibal Lecter eats the face off of the prison guard… and oddly reminiscent of that scene, too), we get to see Lacey be even more of a stubborn, selfish bitch as she pretty much shouts over both Jes’s and Sam’s opinions as to which photo to use for the album cover. Granted, I could understand why Lacey would be worried since Sam looked like a “goddess” in just about every shot, while Lacey looked like… well, Hannibal Lecter after he ate that prison guard’s face. (Hey, if the face fits…)

(Yes, I do know I ought to be beaten savagely for that horrible pun. You can all spit on my grave when the time comes.)

Finally, Sam and Jes give up and let Lacey have her way, which I’m not sure as to why they do that. I mean, Sam is like 5’10” and 120 lbs., and even she could wail on Lacey’s ass…

Eh, I guess I understand. It’s the same reason I don’t complain to the post office about my mail carrier’s borderline retardation, even though he’s lost about half of my mail. (That’s seriously not even an exaggeration. I can’t wait until he just so happens to come to deliver the mail at the same time that the ice cream man drives by, so that he’ll run/waddle off into the distance, never to be seen or heard from again. *sigh* A gal can dream, right?)

So, after all of THAT skanky “goodness”, it’s Team Two’s turn to get up there and show them what they’ve got. (Not that they haven’t been doing that for the entire duration of the show already.)

During the shoot, Heather does everything possible sexually to that car other than let the exhaust pipe penetrate her. I mean, seriously ladies and gentleman, the amount of skankdom in this woman would be enough reason for the Taliban to nuke us 50 times over if they ever got the chance. Meanwhile, Brandi puts on her best Butch “act” *snicker*, even commenting afterwards, “Heather looked hot! Hell, I’d have sex with her!”

We know, Randy. We know.

As for their terrible title, Team Two comes up with the slightly less groan-worthy “Broken Road”. Sure, it doesn’t make any bloody sense, but at least it’s not like nails grinding on the chalkboard.

Coincidentally, there’s a famous breakfast place in San Diego called “Broken Yolk”. I wonder if any of the girls were inspired by that restaurant… feh, probably not. I doubt they serve “Eggs Chlamydia” there.

After the photo shoot is mercifully over, we pan back to the house where Heather and Lacey are (what else?) scheming against the other girls in the house. Seriously, at this point I don’t even listen to what the hell they are saying. It just depresses me, making think, “Wow. I’m so glad millions of women got involved in the feminist movement in the 1970’s so that we could devolve into this.” Seriously, how many abortions do you all think the two of these gals have between them?

Meanwhile, Lacey bitches about how she did EVERYTHING for her team, and that she should “win” the solo date with Bret. Every other sentence out of her mouth is, “It’s not fair!”

Little reality check here, Lacey: not winning a single date with Bret Michaels is not even ON the spectrum of justice and fairness on this plane of existence. You know what’s not fair? The fact that the Bush Administration cuts off support to the countries most ravaged by the effects of AIDS if their programs even so much as mention the word “abortion” in passing. You know what’s not fair, Lacey? The fact that according to the statistics of exonerated death row inmates vs. inmates actually put to death, approximately 1 in 10 people on death row are innocent of the crimes that they are there for.

At best, not winning a one-on-one date with Bret Michaels is a mild annoyance akin to coming back from the Laundromat with one sock without a matching counterpart… if that.

Anyway, the girls get their pictures back, along with some comments from Evo regarding the selected shot and their themes. He pretty much tells both teams that they suck ass. Well put.

The two teams go out and present their covers to Bret. (Who, for the record, is too old and too fat to be wearing eye liner. If Jared Leto and Pete Wentz look like emo bitches wearing it, you KNOW you ought not to be working that look.)

Team Mia, Randy, and Leather go first. Their album cover is this:

Seriously, is there a single straight man out there that thinks Heather looks hot? Is there a single gay man out there ready to proclaim her a divalicious drag queen? *cricket chirps* Anyone?

Exactly.

Evo, little minx that he is, suggests that they are trying to represent Bret in Brandi’s white trash, gray-haired alter ego. They all stumble and swear it’s not. While I believe them, I think Bret should take it as a compliment if they did represent him in that fashion. Seriously, straight ladies and gay men – given the choice, who would you rather have tickle your insides?

This:

Or This:

You know what, after seeing those pics again, I’m going to include lesbians in the voting, as well. Goodness knows those two both look like something you’d find at “The Clamshell” bar.

Personally, I’d take the cyanide pill.

(NOTE: To those not “in the know” the cyanide pill option was created after the Chi Omega girls and I played the “If You Had to, Who Would You Rather Sleep with” game at our friend Beth’s house for a good two hours, and Beth finally threw out, “OK, Osama bin Laden or Saddam Hussein?” It was then that we agreed upon the cyanide pill inclusion clause, but it is ONLY to be used in the case of an emergency.)

I believe this case warrants it.

So, Bret pretty much hates their cover, and Mia gets blamed by everyone for it. I would feel bad for her, but she just takes it like a bad porno flick. Guess girlfriend’s got experience with it.

Time for the team of Jes, Sam, and Lacey to reveal their ho-tastic album cover:

Since this looks like the cover of next month’s “Hustler” magazine, Bret loves it, although he has concerns about this selling in “The Bible Belt”. Yes, Bret, because people in the Bible Belt:

A.) PURCHASE CDs
B.) Listen to anything other than Country, Gospel, and Lynyrd Skynyrd

Even with his concerns, Bret picks the Lacy/Jes/Sam cover. Of course, before they can do anything, Lacey starts whining AGAIN about how it’s so unfair that she doesn’t get a one-on-one date with Bret.

She decides to go into his room and tell him that she did everything on the shoot, and that Jes pretty much only did the make-up. Bret listens, but isn’t convinced.

He then brings Jes is, who tells him Lacey was a controlling bitch, and it was a struggle to get anything done because she was so bossy.

Seriously, Bret LOVES the gossip like no other Celebreality star I’ve seen on VH1. It’s like he’s permanently in Jr. High.

So, after some more scenes of Lacey being a whiny bitch, Bret takes her and Sam out to a restaurant called Neptune’s Net up in Malibu. (A seafood joint -- how appropriate.)

While there, Bret (being the 13-year old girl that he is) asks Sam and Lacey if he thinks Jes did a good job as creative director. Sam actually gets a chance to speak first, and she says that Jes did a good job, and that she was happy with the results.

Lacey, on the other hand, proceeds to go off on how she was responsible for the whole shoot, that Jes is a bitch, blah blah blah. What kills me is at the end of her rant, she says, “So, that’s all I have to say on that. Now, I’m gonna go take a pee.”

Bitch, have you ever watched a reality TV show in your life? You know Bret and Sam are going to talk about your ass the instant you get up to go “take a pee”. (Thanks for being so specific there, by the way. Because, “I’ll be right back” just wouldn’t have gotten your point across, would it?)

Sure enough, Bret asks Sam what she thinks of Lacey’s comments just then. Sam proceeds to lay it all out there about what a fake, maniacal, psychotic, manipulative bitch Lacey is. Bret even admits that he’s starting to see the craziness that EVERYONE ELSE is able to see in the house. Sam points out, “Can you trust that,” to which Bret admits that he can’t. Then, Sam, using the debate skills that the rest of the hoochies are so clearly lacking (except maybe Jes), asks, “Then what are you doing?” A clearly “Pwned” Bret stammers, “Duh, uh, I don’t know.”

Ya think?

Meanwhile, back at the house, Heather and Brandi decide that they’re going to take sexy pictures of each other to prove to Bret that they can put together a hot & skanky photo shoot.

Yeah, gals, I’m pretty sure Bret subscribes to “Shaved Beaver Weekly”, and has therefore seen “your work”. A superfluous photo shoot where you don’t even get free catering served to you isn’t worth your time. Just trying to help y’all out.

It then hits me why I don’t like Brandi. It comes out that she’s a stripper, which she’s been HIDING, apparently. But even more so, she decides to make an alliance with Heather. If that doesn’t make you a dumb whore quicker than dating Kevin Federline, I really don’t know what does.

Pan back to the date, time to put Sam back into the limo and Lacey back into her straight jacket and choke chain, while Jes hops out to go on her “super sexy” date with Bret.

What is a super sexy date? See, what I hear “super sexy” date, I think of getting dressed up in bondage gear, renting out a room at a local dungeon, and doing a little “teacher punishes the naughty school girl” scenario while filming it. Apparently, Bret thinks it consists of taking Jes for a ride on his motorcycle down the Malibu portion of PCH, then taking her to a picnic dinner on a private beach.

Wow, guess I’m just a freak like that. (For the record, Bret’s date does sound like fun, too.)

VOMIT MOMENT OF THE EPISODE: Bret says to the cameras in his confessional time that his beach date went fantastic with Jes, especially because, “We did a lot of sucking face.”

*hurl* I’m so sorry everyone for not only repeating his puke-worthy statement, but for posting that picture. The way I justify this to myself is I’m just helping out all the bulimics in the audience today.

OK, this blog is getting way too long, even by my own admission. Time to cut some corners here… but I’ve GOT to go into detail about the whoriffic photo shoot from Leather & Randy.

Here is what apparently passes for “sexy” around the trailer park these days:

She was having a flashbacks to getting busted for her meth lab… the fifth time. That one was AFTER the boob job.

Is she or is she not a DEAD-RINGER for Clementine Johnson on “Reno 911”?! Tell me I’m wrong!

That poor microphone. Bret’s definitely going to have to burn that, now. It’s like shooting a horse to put it out of its misery… the microphone, not Brandi.

I’m surprised the table didn’t collapse.

So, of course Heather goes and posts the Polaroid pictures right on Bret’s bedroom door. As soon as he gets home, he jizzes all over himself, saying, “Why didn’t they take these photos at the photo shoot?!”

Mia comes over and tries to get 5 minutes alone with him since she knows she’s in deep shit, now. Bret doesn’t want to hear it, though, and cops out by saying it’s time for everyone to have dinner together, and she can talk to him there.

So, down at dinner, Lacey starts going off again on her self-righteous animal rights shit, saying that after she learned about what KFC did to their animals, she realized she needed to “make some changes in my life”, and swore never to eat there again.

*sighs* Where to begin with this one…

A.) Lacey, you shouldn’t eat at KFC because it’s FUCKING K-F-C! Why don’t you just dig through some of Heather’s old underwear to get some “crabs” to eat while you’re going to KFC for “chicken”?
B.) I am a vegetarian. It’s not because I’m a PETA psycho who thinks that we got to the top of the food chain to eat twigs. In fact, I LOATHE PETA and their douchey tactics. I’m a vegetarian solely because my health has been the best it has ever been in my life since cutting out all meat and products made from dead animals (i.e. chicken broth, gluten, etc.). That being said, I don’t give a flying crap if someone eats meat in front of me, and I CERTAINLY don’t belittle them for doing so.

Brandi can’t take any more of Lacey’s BS, and leaves the table blaming a “headache”. I don’t even think she’s lying on that one. Bret follows her into her room, and finds her teary eyed on the bed. She tells him that she can’t stand one more minute of Lacey, and is afraid she’s going to hurt her if she stays around much longer.

Now, I wouldn’t CRY over that, but I feel her on not being able to keep herself from violently thrashing the Über bitch that is Lacey. Shoot, I only have to watch her on television for one hour a week, and I’d be hard pressed not build myself a nice little police record should I ever see her in person.

Bret convinces her to stay, just like he’s done with about every other girl in the house thus far.

Gals, on behalf of your collective parents, relatives, and respectable women of the world, I say, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!!! What were you even thinking setting foot in that house in the first place?! What do you “win” in this competition – a chance to be Bret Michaels’ chew toy for a week! You can do that for FREE at any JJ’s Steakhouse, Bar, and Grill across the Bible Belt!” (I hear they love him over there.)

Finally, it’s time for the elimination ceremony. The last two girls standing are Lacey and Mia. At this point, everyone on the planet (other than Leather) is collectively wishing that Bret would send Lacey home. Of course, the syphilis has already taken hold of his mind, and he’s unable to come to a rational decision. While he full on admits that everyone (including himself) thinks that she’s a crazy bitch, he goes on to explain that he loves how she’s “crazy for her man”.

First of all, Bret, you’re not her man. If so, why the hell do you have five other bitches behind her waiting to gobble your nob? Second of all, she’s not “crazy” for YOU. She’s just plain ol’, run of the mill crazy. I mean, look at this face:

Could you fall asleep knowing THAT was in your house? I’d rather sleep in a room filled with clowns hopped up on PCP.

So, Lacey survives another week, and Mia goes home. I can’t believe she actually cried. Crying over not getting to tickle Bret Michaels’s prostate anymore?! You know we’re in a war still, right Mia? Dayum.

Next week, the “fabulous five” get interviewed by three of Bret’s former sperm receptacles, also known as “super fans”. Until then, I think I’m going to read a book and keep the remaining brain cells I have in somewhat good condition.

NOTE: All pictures come from VH1.com, specifically, their "Rock of Love" page.)

Cheers,

E