I am sorely disappointed in VH1’s episode naming staff this week.
And, yes, I AM going to skip doing a review of Episode 8. I never got to see it. My girl, Sam, is gone, and it’s just as well. She’s far too good for Bret.
Why do I watch this show when I don’t even like the “main character”? I have no idea. There, are you happy?
Anywho, this episode starts with Heather showing off her retarded ass tattoo that she got last week. (Sorry, I know I did miss a lot by not doing the Episode 8 Review.) For those of you who only keep up with the show via my blog (which is all of you), on their one-on-one date last week, Bret took Heather to a tattoo parlor, and dared her to get a tattoo of his name on her. Narcissistic much?
She did. (Moron, much?)
So, Heather says, “I’m rockin’ the tattoo I got for MY MAN.”
1. He’s not your man. At best, he’s your “once in a while fuck buddy”.
2. 90% of people who get their significant others’ names tattooed on them end up breaking up within the next 6 months. You’re not even “significant others” – what does that say about your odds?
You were starting to actually grow on me, Heather. Now, you’ve gone and done something like this? You’re making Paris Hilton look like a Rhodes Scholar.
So, the Bret Mail comes, and it turns out that they’re all going to “Sin City” (AKA: Las Vegas) to watch him in concert and to spend a couple of nights out there with him.
Hmmm… two strippers, one psycho, one tough chick, and a bloated, ego-maniacal aging rock star in Vegas… did they approve the script for the sequel to “Showgirls” (the epitome of a craptastic movie)? I can’t wait!
So, they all go to Vegas, they talk about how awesome their room is at this place called “The Red Rock Inn”. (Off the Strip? *cough* cheap ass *cough*) Soon enough, the girls pair off into Jes & Brandi and Lacey & Heather – not for any challenge, mind you. They just pair up because they can’t stand the others.
Heather and Lacey end up taking a bubble bath together because… well, I’m not sure why. If you’re a dirty skank, how do you think you’re going to get yourself clean by bathing with another dirty skank? It just makes the water extra dirty and skanky! It’s like you’re doubling up!
Oh wait, now I get their reasoning.
I will say this… Heather looks SO infinitely better when she’s not skanked out. I mean, seriously guys, what would you be less afraid to stick your peckers into, this:
Or this:
You liars.
Anywho, Lacey and Heather talk about taking Brandi out, while Brandi talks to Jes about how they should ex Heather out by getting her really smashed. (FORESHADOWING MUSIC: Remember this plan later.)
Jes says in her interview: “I really don’t have a huge plan, but I know I don’t want to get completely wasted and make an ass of myself. I can let the other girls do that and I know that they will.”
THANK YOU! Someone remaining on this show isn’t a complete idiot.
That being said, I hope Bret doesn’t choose her (though I’m betting right now he will), because she’s way too good for him.
See, a sick part of me wants Bret to pick Lacey, solely because I really do think he’s a hypocritical, egomaniac of a douche – which is precisely what Lacey is. Why ruin two other people’s lives when it’s possible to make the dating pool a little less murky by taking these two out together?
Of course, that does leave horrific ramifications for the gene pool… *shudders*
OK, I promise I’m going to TRY and not blather on so much in this blog. I’m not promising I’ll succeed – I’m promising I’ll try.
So, they go to Bret’s concert, and they lick his nutsack in the interviews. “Oh my gosh, it was one of the best shows ever! He looked so hot. His singing was amazing, blah, blah, blah.”
LIES!!!!
It sucked ass. I wouldn’t go to that show if it were free. Heck, I wouldn’t go to that show if you paid me to be an extra (although apparently VH1 was successful enough with that to get around 200 concert goers to the venue. Seriously, folks, it was sad.)
After the show, all the girls (of course) try to grind up on Bret. He happily obliges for a few minutes, then says he has to get ready for dinner. He invites his three trollops (and Jes) to kick it for a bit with his “band” (not Poison, for the record).
Lacey and Brandi take this opportunity to get shit faced drunk the likes of which I have not seen when I puked on that married guy who was hitting on me in the VIP Room of RA. (Absolutely no regrets there; I just feel bad for the waitress who had to clean up.)
A drunken Lacey is pretty much exactly like a sober Lacey, except her words are a bit more slurred, and “the crazy” is a bit more laughable.
Anywho, Lacey and Heather talk about taking Brandi out, while Brandi talks to Jes about how they should ex Heather out by getting her really smashed. (FORESHADOWING MUSIC: Remember this plan later.)
Jes says in her interview: “I really don’t have a huge plan, but I know I don’t want to get completely wasted and make an ass of myself. I can let the other girls do that and I know that they will.”
THANK YOU! Someone remaining on this show isn’t a complete idiot.
That being said, I hope Bret doesn’t choose her (though I’m betting right now he will), because she’s way too good for him.
See, a sick part of me wants Bret to pick Lacey, solely because I really do think he’s a hypocritical, egomaniac of a douche – which is precisely what Lacey is. Why ruin two other people’s lives when it’s possible to make the dating pool a little less murky by taking these two out together?
Of course, that does leave horrific ramifications for the gene pool… *shudders*
OK, I promise I’m going to TRY and not blather on so much in this blog. I’m not promising I’ll succeed – I’m promising I’ll try.
So, they go to Bret’s concert, and they lick his nutsack in the interviews. “Oh my gosh, it was one of the best shows ever! He looked so hot. His singing was amazing, blah, blah, blah.”
LIES!!!!
It sucked ass. I wouldn’t go to that show if it were free. Heck, I wouldn’t go to that show if you paid me to be an extra (although apparently VH1 was successful enough with that to get around 200 concert goers to the venue. Seriously, folks, it was sad.)
After the show, all the girls (of course) try to grind up on Bret. He happily obliges for a few minutes, then says he has to get ready for dinner. He invites his three trollops (and Jes) to kick it for a bit with his “band” (not Poison, for the record).
Lacey and Brandi take this opportunity to get shit faced drunk the likes of which I have not seen when I puked on that married guy who was hitting on me in the VIP Room of RA. (Absolutely no regrets there; I just feel bad for the waitress who had to clean up.)
A drunken Lacey is pretty much exactly like a sober Lacey, except her words are a bit more slurred, and “the crazy” is a bit more laughable.
Just because my distaste for her is so great, allow me to post some pictures of the drunken skank sloshed off her rocker:
At this point Lacey starts harassing Brandi, who in her drunken stupor lets out a loud fart ON Lacey. (Good gosh, I love this show.) She then turns to a laughing Lacey, and says, “Get the fuck away from me. I just farted.”
OK, Brandi just officially won her way back into my heart.
Big John comes back in and tells the girls to come meet Bret for dinner. (He’s gotta keep that bloat up somehow, and the coke just ain’t gonna cut it!) Lacey starts running off at her drunken, non-functioning mouth. Big John becomes my hero of the minute when he yells at her, “Lacey, shut the fuck up and come on!” She then holds her hand up to have him help her up, and he leaves her in the cold.
So friggin’ awesome.
All right, so the girls somehow manage to make it to Bret’s suite, where Lacey and Brandi continue to make drunken, slutty asses out of myself, Lacey in particular.
Lacey climbs on the bar, and starts talking drunk talk at all of the girls – even her supposed “girl”, Heather. Lacey gets right in Jes’s face and says, “I think you all are fake.” Jes smirks and asks why. “Because… all fou wanna dew izzzzzz party,” she ironically slurs.
OK, Brandi just officially won her way back into my heart.
Big John comes back in and tells the girls to come meet Bret for dinner. (He’s gotta keep that bloat up somehow, and the coke just ain’t gonna cut it!) Lacey starts running off at her drunken, non-functioning mouth. Big John becomes my hero of the minute when he yells at her, “Lacey, shut the fuck up and come on!” She then holds her hand up to have him help her up, and he leaves her in the cold.
So friggin’ awesome.
All right, so the girls somehow manage to make it to Bret’s suite, where Lacey and Brandi continue to make drunken, slutty asses out of myself, Lacey in particular.
Lacey climbs on the bar, and starts talking drunk talk at all of the girls – even her supposed “girl”, Heather. Lacey gets right in Jes’s face and says, “I think you all are fake.” Jes smirks and asks why. “Because… all fou wanna dew izzzzzz party,” she ironically slurs.
Then comes the best part of the episode thus far: Lacey falling on her drunken ass, nearly right off the bar. Can I get a clip of that?
Man, I could watch that all day.
LMAO! Look at Heather’s completely unfazed face! Man, if she hadn’t gotten that stupid tattoo, I might just actually like her. Ahhhh, what could have been…
Bret comes in the room, and is “pissed off” because he says, “The girls are drunk!” Well, Brandi and Lacey are, but Heather and Jes are still alive and well.
Lacey continues to act like such a fucking mess throughout dinner that Bret summons Big John to carry her back to her room.
Brandi, meanwhile, gets sicker and sicker. Heather (being the vindictive bitch that I begrudgingly like her for) finds out from Brandi that oysters make her nauseous. So, what does Heather do? Eat a shitload of oysters right next to Brandi.
(Passive-Aggressiveness, thy name is Heather.)
LMAO! Look at Heather’s completely unfazed face! Man, if she hadn’t gotten that stupid tattoo, I might just actually like her. Ahhhh, what could have been…
Bret comes in the room, and is “pissed off” because he says, “The girls are drunk!” Well, Brandi and Lacey are, but Heather and Jes are still alive and well.
Lacey continues to act like such a fucking mess throughout dinner that Bret summons Big John to carry her back to her room.
Brandi, meanwhile, gets sicker and sicker. Heather (being the vindictive bitch that I begrudgingly like her for) finds out from Brandi that oysters make her nauseous. So, what does Heather do? Eat a shitload of oysters right next to Brandi.
(Passive-Aggressiveness, thy name is Heather.)
Of course, the expected finally happens with Brandi illustrating television’s first look at “the puke fountain”:
It looks even worse than it sounds.
Jes then (brilliantly) remarks: “Bret should have known that it was gonna be impossible to have a nice dinner with two drunk Froot Loops and a f***in’ hungry stripper!”
BRET MICHAELS: For Jes’s sake, don’t pick her.
Bret takes Brandi to the bathroom, where she confesses, in between heaves, “Bret, I love you, and for you I’ll let my guard down.”
Bret says this is one of the most touching moments of his life. I suddenly feel great pity for Bret Michaels… OK, it’s gone.
At this point, Bret is pissed that dinner is ruined. He decides to take Jes back to his room “for a nightcap” since she helped him to take care of Lacey and Brandi. Heather proceeds to clean house of the remaining food, making the butler pack up just about everything separately to take back to her room with her. (For the record, that’s exactly what I would do, too.)
BTW: Who the fuck uses the term “nightcap” anymore?! I’d have more respect for him, New York, and Flavor Flav if they just said what they meant: “Bitches, I’m gonna sample this particular piece of merchandise back in my room – doggy style. I’ll let you all back on my nuts in the morning.”
Yes, New York would say that, too. HBIC doesn’t take shit from a bunch of bitch ass, whiny boys!
The next morning, Bret says that they “We got to learn each other… um, both inside and out.”
EWWWWWW.
Jes then confirms, “I feel much closer to him physically… emotionally… and sexually.”
EWWWWWWWWW!!!!
Jes, you’re a good woman! Have some flippin’ respect for yourself! He’s already let no less than 10 different women play with his man meat over the course of the past three weeks. Where’s your dignity?!
Bret then sends Jes back to LA so that he can spend more time with Lacey, Heather, and Brandi.
We then pan to the Three Skankateers waking up. Brandi says to Heather that she knows Bret is not the man for her.
And, she thinks Lacey and Heather aren’t going to bring this up to Bret immediately because…
Bret meets the remaining hos by the pool. Upon seeing them, he states, “They’re looking torn up from the floor up.” (It’s “tore up from the floor up”, for the record, Bret.) He then adds, “Brandi looks like she’s been beat up.”
He takes each girl into a private cabana for massage time. Heather is first. She doesn’t rat on Brandi because she wants Brandi to do it herself. (Also, she doesn’t want to look like a snitch, and she knows Lacey will snitch anyway. Good call, Heather.)
Brandi comes in, and says she was having some doubts that she “wasn’t good enough for him.”
(Brandi, a boiled egg is too good for Bret Michaels. I know you’re a whore, but give yourself SOME credit.)
Bret assures her she IS good enough, and sends her back to the pool. When she returns, Heather asks her if she spoke to Bret about what she said earlier. She said, “Yeah.” And, her “yeah” clearly states, “Fuck no, bitches.”
Lacey is having none of that, and proceeds to blab to Bret about the whole episode with Brandi earlier that day. Bret calls her malicious and crazy to her face (finally), but admits there is something about Brandi that he doesn’t trust.
Later that night, he decides to take Lacey and Heather to dinner (opting to send the still aching Brandi home). It is here that the Lacey/Heather alliance comes crumbling down.
Bret tells Heather he doesn’t want to get hurt by her, and says that “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” was written about a stripper who broke his heart.
BOO FUCKING HOO, BRET!!!! What a load of bullshit if I ever heard it! No shit a stripper is not going to be faithful to you! And, you’re not going to be faithful to her either, because YOU HANG OUT WITH STRIPPERS ALL THE TIME! I feel ZERO sympathy for him on this one.
He then goes on to explain that he’s afraid of “pole emotions” with Heather. See, I thought he was talking about how sweet and friendly she is when he has those crisp fiddies, but once he’s run out of all his cash and he’s rummaging around for some rusty nickels, she’s back to going down on that Saudi sheik in the champagne room.
According to him, though, “Here’s the thing with Heather, and I call it, pole emotions, right? And by pole emotions, I mean, can I get her off that pole and get her onto my pole? It’s a big, big thought going through my mind right now.”
1. Ewww.
2. I think you’re giving your “pole” a little too much credit here. It’s definitely not a “big, big thought” from what’s going around in the groupie circles. (I know I wouldn’t know, but I love insulting an asshole’s manhood any chance I get.)
3. If you’re even close to being as wealthy as the show makes you out to be, you can get her off “the pole” and onto “your pole”. Hell, all it takes is some lukewarm onion rings, a double wide trailer, and a 6 pack of Coors Lite!
Ugh, that makes me want to puke even typing in reference to Bret’s… pole. Uh oh… here it comes…
That’s going to come in SO handy over the next few months.
So, Lacey goes on to say her “manic-depression” as Bret refers to it was caused by her mom’s untimely death. While I’m certainly not going to make fun of Lacey’s pain, I’m calling straight up bullshit on that one.
I have several friends getting their Master’s and Doctorates in Psychology, and they’ll tell you that psychologists don’t put people on medications, first of all. It’s psychiatrists who do the prescribing of medications.
Secondly, psychiatrists don’t prescribe medications to people who are depressed because of genuine trauma for long term usage. They usually recommend verbal therapy, and in extreme cases will prescribe something to help over a two week to a month period.
So, Lacey saying she’s on medication for depression directly related to her Mom’s death, and NOT some genuine sort of psychological problem is some straight up bullshit. Trust me on this one, folks. Being completely batshit insane myself, I know a thing or two about the fields of psychology and psychiatry.
Despite this, her crying act gets Bret to take her back for the “nightcap”, leaving Heather in the cold for the second night in a row. She officially calls off her alliance with Lacey in her interview.
Back at the room, Lacey talks more crap, professes that she’s here for Bret (mhmm…), and fucks him. What?! It’s bloody true!
Cut to eliminations time. Jes gets her pass first, and I’m calling her right now as the winner of the show. Lacey is called next, further proving that Bret is both a sucker and an idiot incapable of heeding the warning signs of a psychopath. Oh well.
So, it’s down to Heather and Brandi. They go back and forth about who said what about wanting to be with whom. Brandi admits she did say, “Bret’s not the one for me,” which Heather promptly hammers home to Bret. Brandi kind of back pedals though and says she’s just confused. (Pole emotions?)
Bret is clearly agitated at this point. Finally, he asks Brandi if she wants to stay there. She says, “Honestly, I don’t think I can let my guard down.”
Bret stammers, “Duh, uh, say that again?”
“I don’t think I can let my guard down.”
Bret then goes off on her about how she lied to him, she could have told him that a long time ago, oh and accuses her of “playing with people’s emotions”.
Oh, I’m sorry, I thought YOU were the one with 20 different women in your house, pitting them against each other, and purposely making them jealous of one another for the sake your own ego and libido! My mistake!
So, Brandi pretty much eliminates herself. What’s very interesting is Big John followed her up the door, which he didn’t need to do. Conspiracy theories (yes, they exist in the Rock of Love blogosphere) say that Bret MEANT to give the last VIP pass to Brandi, but he had Big John switch the passes so that he could give Heather her pass at the end. I mean, it was obvious that he was genuinely butt sore about Brandi “playing” him. *rolls eyes* Why would he act like that if he was just going to eliminate her anyway?
So, it’s down to Heather, Jes, and Lacey. Next week, it’s time for Bret to meet the girls’ parents. It looks like it’s going to be the final showdown between Heather and Lacey. Good stuff people… and by “good”, I of course mean “craptastic”. =)
Bret stammers, “Duh, uh, say that again?”
“I don’t think I can let my guard down.”
Bret then goes off on her about how she lied to him, she could have told him that a long time ago, oh and accuses her of “playing with people’s emotions”.
Oh, I’m sorry, I thought YOU were the one with 20 different women in your house, pitting them against each other, and purposely making them jealous of one another for the sake your own ego and libido! My mistake!
So, Brandi pretty much eliminates herself. What’s very interesting is Big John followed her up the door, which he didn’t need to do. Conspiracy theories (yes, they exist in the Rock of Love blogosphere) say that Bret MEANT to give the last VIP pass to Brandi, but he had Big John switch the passes so that he could give Heather her pass at the end. I mean, it was obvious that he was genuinely butt sore about Brandi “playing” him. *rolls eyes* Why would he act like that if he was just going to eliminate her anyway?
So, it’s down to Heather, Jes, and Lacey. Next week, it’s time for Bret to meet the girls’ parents. It looks like it’s going to be the final showdown between Heather and Lacey. Good stuff people… and by “good”, I of course mean “craptastic”. =)
Cheers,
E
(NOTE: All pictures are from VH1's Rock of Love Blog.)
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