Craptastic Television Review (Episode 2)

TODAY’S EPISODE: Rock of Love, Episode 7, “Show Me Your Hits”

Man oh man, those VH1 execs sure have the creative juices a-flowin’ when it comes to their Celebreality TV show titles! Hope they have plenty of tissue around for cleaning up “the spillage”.

What am I saying? Of course they do! It’s “Rock of Love”, after all!

So, I actually missed the first couple of minutes of this week’s episode (stupid laundry), but I don’t think I missed anything important. When I came in, they were reading the “Bret Mail”, so I feel like I might as well just start there.

Bret Michaels basically likes to put these girls through challenges doing various tricks for him… and I’m not talking about the “circus” or “magician” type tricks either. Basically, this is the boot camp for the whore version of the Navy Seals. (The Whore Seals? Doesn’t have that much of a ring to it.)

Anywho, this week’s challenge is to go do a photo shoot for a hypothetical Bret Michaels album cover. (Hypothetical, of course, because your models having visible sores around their kibbles & bits is, to quote the inimitable John Brown, “Not a good look, bro.” Where is that guy nowadays?! HE needs his own Flavor of Love spinoff! Hallelujah, holla back.)

The girls show up at the shoot, and we meet Bret’s trusted photographer, Evo Lopez. I googled to find some of his photography, but I couldn’t find anything via the oracle. I then just typed in www.evolopez.com, but the “Evo” on that site spells it “Ivo”. Then again, growing up in LA I know how people trying to “make it” change their names every time some local starlet gets out of a car flashing her naked cooter to the paparazzi… so that’s like, every 15 minutes or so. Ironic timing, no?

Anyway, “Evo” breaks the girls up into two teams of three. Each team has to select two team members to be the models, and the third girl will be the “creative director” (AKA: skank ringleader). Whichever team wins will have the models go on a double date with Bret, while the creative director gets the (for some inexplicable reason) “coveted” one-on-one time with him.

The first team is Sam, Jes, and Lacey, with Mia, Heather, and Brandi M. on the second team. Seeing my two remaining favorites paired with Lacey was painful to watch. Despite the fact that Jes was the creative director on the team, Lacey pretty much butts in with her own (shitty) opinions on how everything should look because, in her own words, “I’ve been in a band for three years now. This is right up my alley.”

No, sweet cheeks, that would be a gang bang. And, all participants in together would still find your “alley” too roomy for their taste.

While Jes and Sam attempt to work around Lacey’s super-sized ego, Mia has to deal with Lacey’s favorite tag-along, Heather.

First of all, Heather looks more and more like a man to me every episode. Other than the fake titties, she’s built like a line-backer. Second of all, she’s got this delusional impression that she knows what is “sexy”. Every opportunity she gets, she says, “These girls don’t know shit about sexy”, and proceeds to display what the majority of humanity would define not as “sexy”, but rather as the epitome of the “star” of a donkey show.

So, basically Heather and Brandi come up with the brilliant idea that Brandi should dress up like a dude, and Heather should be a slutty whore on the car. (Hey, she does it everywhere else. Why not on a car?)

It hits me at this point that I might have been wrong about Randy – I mean “Brandi”. Last week, I thought she was pretending to be a lesbian to get Bret all excited about her. After her rampage in full male drag, I’m kind of thinking she might be pretending to be into DUDES in order to get attention. I mean, granted I tell people to suck my balls all the time, but I don’t stuff a sock down my pants and proceed to massage myself. She was just a little too into that whole “role-playing” scenario there.

Yeah, you keep living the dream there, Randy.

While the team of Leather and Randy (w/ ol’ “what’s-her-face”) get ready for their drag show, the other team comes up with the clichéd, and therefore sure to please Bret Michaels idea of girl-on-girl action in a bed. Basically, Sam plays the angel, and Lacey (what else?) the devil. (Perfect casting, for the record.)

They then try to come up with an album title. Oh Jimeny Christmas, as an English major and a writer, I knew this was going to be exceptionally painful for me. At one point, the Master’s Degree bound Sam suggests that they put their thesaurus caps on for a moment to think of a synonym for “angel”.

Lacey blurts out, “Goddess! How about goddess?”

*slams head repeatedly at work desk*

SINCE WHEN HAS “GODDESS” BEEN A SYNONYM FOR ANGEL?!?!?!?!?!

Seriously, this show is shaving, like, AT LEAST four years off of my life.

In Lacey’s defense, she’s a goddess in her own mind, and she doesn’t understand why no one else gets that. (Was Medusa a goddess, by the way? I could see her as THAT kind of goddess. Or maybe bat shit crazy Hera. But, Diana she ain’t.)

Anywho, I feel bad because Jes actually comes up with the “winning” album title: “How about, ‘When Love Dances with the Devil’?”

*winces*

Oh man, Jes. You’ve hit me hard. *wheezes* I want to like you SO BAD, girl! You rip on (and beat down) both Heather and Lacey. You don’t let anyone push you around. But, then… you go and say shit like that and… man… you’re making it WAY more difficult than you need to here.

Of course, in case you didn’t catch just exactly how shitty of an album name that is, let me just confirm its suckitude by mentioning that Lacey immediately loves it. Then, when it becomes clear that the team is going to use it, she makes sure to add in her confessional time that the title was one of her (many) ideas. (Believe me, I WISH Lacey could be blamed for that stinker of an album title.)

After picking their (terrible) album title, Lacey and Sam get all skanked out (although I must say Sam looked phuckin’ PHIERCE), and started rolling around on the bed for the photo shoot. Of course, Lacey had to flap her big mouth during the entire shoot with that retarded ass lip piercing making it even harder to understand the already nonsensical gibberish spewing forth from her. Even the photographer was ready to backhand a ho after 15 minutes or so. (Dag-bloody-nabit, I subconsciously rhymed again. Feh, get used to it.)

After the pain that is watching Lacey attempt to be sexy (which is about as sexy as when Hannibal Lecter eats the face off of the prison guard… and oddly reminiscent of that scene, too), we get to see Lacey be even more of a stubborn, selfish bitch as she pretty much shouts over both Jes’s and Sam’s opinions as to which photo to use for the album cover. Granted, I could understand why Lacey would be worried since Sam looked like a “goddess” in just about every shot, while Lacey looked like… well, Hannibal Lecter after he ate that prison guard’s face. (Hey, if the face fits…)

(Yes, I do know I ought to be beaten savagely for that horrible pun. You can all spit on my grave when the time comes.)

Finally, Sam and Jes give up and let Lacey have her way, which I’m not sure as to why they do that. I mean, Sam is like 5’10” and 120 lbs., and even she could wail on Lacey’s ass…

Eh, I guess I understand. It’s the same reason I don’t complain to the post office about my mail carrier’s borderline retardation, even though he’s lost about half of my mail. (That’s seriously not even an exaggeration. I can’t wait until he just so happens to come to deliver the mail at the same time that the ice cream man drives by, so that he’ll run/waddle off into the distance, never to be seen or heard from again. *sigh* A gal can dream, right?)

So, after all of THAT skanky “goodness”, it’s Team Two’s turn to get up there and show them what they’ve got. (Not that they haven’t been doing that for the entire duration of the show already.)

During the shoot, Heather does everything possible sexually to that car other than let the exhaust pipe penetrate her. I mean, seriously ladies and gentleman, the amount of skankdom in this woman would be enough reason for the Taliban to nuke us 50 times over if they ever got the chance. Meanwhile, Brandi puts on her best Butch “act” *snicker*, even commenting afterwards, “Heather looked hot! Hell, I’d have sex with her!”

We know, Randy. We know.

As for their terrible title, Team Two comes up with the slightly less groan-worthy “Broken Road”. Sure, it doesn’t make any bloody sense, but at least it’s not like nails grinding on the chalkboard.

Coincidentally, there’s a famous breakfast place in San Diego called “Broken Yolk”. I wonder if any of the girls were inspired by that restaurant… feh, probably not. I doubt they serve “Eggs Chlamydia” there.

After the photo shoot is mercifully over, we pan back to the house where Heather and Lacey are (what else?) scheming against the other girls in the house. Seriously, at this point I don’t even listen to what the hell they are saying. It just depresses me, making think, “Wow. I’m so glad millions of women got involved in the feminist movement in the 1970’s so that we could devolve into this.” Seriously, how many abortions do you all think the two of these gals have between them?

Meanwhile, Lacey bitches about how she did EVERYTHING for her team, and that she should “win” the solo date with Bret. Every other sentence out of her mouth is, “It’s not fair!”

Little reality check here, Lacey: not winning a single date with Bret Michaels is not even ON the spectrum of justice and fairness on this plane of existence. You know what’s not fair? The fact that the Bush Administration cuts off support to the countries most ravaged by the effects of AIDS if their programs even so much as mention the word “abortion” in passing. You know what’s not fair, Lacey? The fact that according to the statistics of exonerated death row inmates vs. inmates actually put to death, approximately 1 in 10 people on death row are innocent of the crimes that they are there for.

At best, not winning a one-on-one date with Bret Michaels is a mild annoyance akin to coming back from the Laundromat with one sock without a matching counterpart… if that.

Anyway, the girls get their pictures back, along with some comments from Evo regarding the selected shot and their themes. He pretty much tells both teams that they suck ass. Well put.

The two teams go out and present their covers to Bret. (Who, for the record, is too old and too fat to be wearing eye liner. If Jared Leto and Pete Wentz look like emo bitches wearing it, you KNOW you ought not to be working that look.)

Team Mia, Randy, and Leather go first. Their album cover is this:

Seriously, is there a single straight man out there that thinks Heather looks hot? Is there a single gay man out there ready to proclaim her a divalicious drag queen? *cricket chirps* Anyone?

Exactly.

Evo, little minx that he is, suggests that they are trying to represent Bret in Brandi’s white trash, gray-haired alter ego. They all stumble and swear it’s not. While I believe them, I think Bret should take it as a compliment if they did represent him in that fashion. Seriously, straight ladies and gay men – given the choice, who would you rather have tickle your insides?

This:

Or This:

You know what, after seeing those pics again, I’m going to include lesbians in the voting, as well. Goodness knows those two both look like something you’d find at “The Clamshell” bar.

Personally, I’d take the cyanide pill.

(NOTE: To those not “in the know” the cyanide pill option was created after the Chi Omega girls and I played the “If You Had to, Who Would You Rather Sleep with” game at our friend Beth’s house for a good two hours, and Beth finally threw out, “OK, Osama bin Laden or Saddam Hussein?” It was then that we agreed upon the cyanide pill inclusion clause, but it is ONLY to be used in the case of an emergency.)

I believe this case warrants it.

So, Bret pretty much hates their cover, and Mia gets blamed by everyone for it. I would feel bad for her, but she just takes it like a bad porno flick. Guess girlfriend’s got experience with it.

Time for the team of Jes, Sam, and Lacey to reveal their ho-tastic album cover:

Since this looks like the cover of next month’s “Hustler” magazine, Bret loves it, although he has concerns about this selling in “The Bible Belt”. Yes, Bret, because people in the Bible Belt:

A.) PURCHASE CDs
B.) Listen to anything other than Country, Gospel, and Lynyrd Skynyrd

Even with his concerns, Bret picks the Lacy/Jes/Sam cover. Of course, before they can do anything, Lacey starts whining AGAIN about how it’s so unfair that she doesn’t get a one-on-one date with Bret.

She decides to go into his room and tell him that she did everything on the shoot, and that Jes pretty much only did the make-up. Bret listens, but isn’t convinced.

He then brings Jes is, who tells him Lacey was a controlling bitch, and it was a struggle to get anything done because she was so bossy.

Seriously, Bret LOVES the gossip like no other Celebreality star I’ve seen on VH1. It’s like he’s permanently in Jr. High.

So, after some more scenes of Lacey being a whiny bitch, Bret takes her and Sam out to a restaurant called Neptune’s Net up in Malibu. (A seafood joint -- how appropriate.)

While there, Bret (being the 13-year old girl that he is) asks Sam and Lacey if he thinks Jes did a good job as creative director. Sam actually gets a chance to speak first, and she says that Jes did a good job, and that she was happy with the results.

Lacey, on the other hand, proceeds to go off on how she was responsible for the whole shoot, that Jes is a bitch, blah blah blah. What kills me is at the end of her rant, she says, “So, that’s all I have to say on that. Now, I’m gonna go take a pee.”

Bitch, have you ever watched a reality TV show in your life? You know Bret and Sam are going to talk about your ass the instant you get up to go “take a pee”. (Thanks for being so specific there, by the way. Because, “I’ll be right back” just wouldn’t have gotten your point across, would it?)

Sure enough, Bret asks Sam what she thinks of Lacey’s comments just then. Sam proceeds to lay it all out there about what a fake, maniacal, psychotic, manipulative bitch Lacey is. Bret even admits that he’s starting to see the craziness that EVERYONE ELSE is able to see in the house. Sam points out, “Can you trust that,” to which Bret admits that he can’t. Then, Sam, using the debate skills that the rest of the hoochies are so clearly lacking (except maybe Jes), asks, “Then what are you doing?” A clearly “Pwned” Bret stammers, “Duh, uh, I don’t know.”

Ya think?

Meanwhile, back at the house, Heather and Brandi decide that they’re going to take sexy pictures of each other to prove to Bret that they can put together a hot & skanky photo shoot.

Yeah, gals, I’m pretty sure Bret subscribes to “Shaved Beaver Weekly”, and has therefore seen “your work”. A superfluous photo shoot where you don’t even get free catering served to you isn’t worth your time. Just trying to help y’all out.

It then hits me why I don’t like Brandi. It comes out that she’s a stripper, which she’s been HIDING, apparently. But even more so, she decides to make an alliance with Heather. If that doesn’t make you a dumb whore quicker than dating Kevin Federline, I really don’t know what does.

Pan back to the date, time to put Sam back into the limo and Lacey back into her straight jacket and choke chain, while Jes hops out to go on her “super sexy” date with Bret.

What is a super sexy date? See, what I hear “super sexy” date, I think of getting dressed up in bondage gear, renting out a room at a local dungeon, and doing a little “teacher punishes the naughty school girl” scenario while filming it. Apparently, Bret thinks it consists of taking Jes for a ride on his motorcycle down the Malibu portion of PCH, then taking her to a picnic dinner on a private beach.

Wow, guess I’m just a freak like that. (For the record, Bret’s date does sound like fun, too.)

VOMIT MOMENT OF THE EPISODE: Bret says to the cameras in his confessional time that his beach date went fantastic with Jes, especially because, “We did a lot of sucking face.”

*hurl* I’m so sorry everyone for not only repeating his puke-worthy statement, but for posting that picture. The way I justify this to myself is I’m just helping out all the bulimics in the audience today.

OK, this blog is getting way too long, even by my own admission. Time to cut some corners here… but I’ve GOT to go into detail about the whoriffic photo shoot from Leather & Randy.

Here is what apparently passes for “sexy” around the trailer park these days:

She was having a flashbacks to getting busted for her meth lab… the fifth time. That one was AFTER the boob job.

Is she or is she not a DEAD-RINGER for Clementine Johnson on “Reno 911”?! Tell me I’m wrong!

That poor microphone. Bret’s definitely going to have to burn that, now. It’s like shooting a horse to put it out of its misery… the microphone, not Brandi.

I’m surprised the table didn’t collapse.

So, of course Heather goes and posts the Polaroid pictures right on Bret’s bedroom door. As soon as he gets home, he jizzes all over himself, saying, “Why didn’t they take these photos at the photo shoot?!”

Mia comes over and tries to get 5 minutes alone with him since she knows she’s in deep shit, now. Bret doesn’t want to hear it, though, and cops out by saying it’s time for everyone to have dinner together, and she can talk to him there.

So, down at dinner, Lacey starts going off again on her self-righteous animal rights shit, saying that after she learned about what KFC did to their animals, she realized she needed to “make some changes in my life”, and swore never to eat there again.

*sighs* Where to begin with this one…

A.) Lacey, you shouldn’t eat at KFC because it’s FUCKING K-F-C! Why don’t you just dig through some of Heather’s old underwear to get some “crabs” to eat while you’re going to KFC for “chicken”?
B.) I am a vegetarian. It’s not because I’m a PETA psycho who thinks that we got to the top of the food chain to eat twigs. In fact, I LOATHE PETA and their douchey tactics. I’m a vegetarian solely because my health has been the best it has ever been in my life since cutting out all meat and products made from dead animals (i.e. chicken broth, gluten, etc.). That being said, I don’t give a flying crap if someone eats meat in front of me, and I CERTAINLY don’t belittle them for doing so.

Brandi can’t take any more of Lacey’s BS, and leaves the table blaming a “headache”. I don’t even think she’s lying on that one. Bret follows her into her room, and finds her teary eyed on the bed. She tells him that she can’t stand one more minute of Lacey, and is afraid she’s going to hurt her if she stays around much longer.

Now, I wouldn’t CRY over that, but I feel her on not being able to keep herself from violently thrashing the Über bitch that is Lacey. Shoot, I only have to watch her on television for one hour a week, and I’d be hard pressed not build myself a nice little police record should I ever see her in person.

Bret convinces her to stay, just like he’s done with about every other girl in the house thus far.

Gals, on behalf of your collective parents, relatives, and respectable women of the world, I say, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!!! What were you even thinking setting foot in that house in the first place?! What do you “win” in this competition – a chance to be Bret Michaels’ chew toy for a week! You can do that for FREE at any JJ’s Steakhouse, Bar, and Grill across the Bible Belt!” (I hear they love him over there.)

Finally, it’s time for the elimination ceremony. The last two girls standing are Lacey and Mia. At this point, everyone on the planet (other than Leather) is collectively wishing that Bret would send Lacey home. Of course, the syphilis has already taken hold of his mind, and he’s unable to come to a rational decision. While he full on admits that everyone (including himself) thinks that she’s a crazy bitch, he goes on to explain that he loves how she’s “crazy for her man”.

First of all, Bret, you’re not her man. If so, why the hell do you have five other bitches behind her waiting to gobble your nob? Second of all, she’s not “crazy” for YOU. She’s just plain ol’, run of the mill crazy. I mean, look at this face:

Could you fall asleep knowing THAT was in your house? I’d rather sleep in a room filled with clowns hopped up on PCP.

So, Lacey survives another week, and Mia goes home. I can’t believe she actually cried. Crying over not getting to tickle Bret Michaels’s prostate anymore?! You know we’re in a war still, right Mia? Dayum.

Next week, the “fabulous five” get interviewed by three of Bret’s former sperm receptacles, also known as “super fans”. Until then, I think I’m going to read a book and keep the remaining brain cells I have in somewhat good condition.

NOTE: All pictures come from VH1.com, specifically, their "Rock of Love" page.)

Cheers,

E

Craptastic Television Review (Episode 1)

One of my distinguishing personality “quirks” is that I love craptastic television. Everyone who knows me lets out a collective groan of disgust when I list my favorite TV shows. I know you all hate them, and I don’t give a flying poopsicle. I love me some craptastic TV.

As I was sitting at work with nothing to do until Best Buy decides to give me ANOTHER inane and stupid project because they are too retarded to do it themselves (like entering in the “Ship to” addresses on their POs – I’m not kidding), I decided that I am going to start reviewing my favorite craptastic TV shows.

VH1 has helped my dream come true by doing TWO spin offs of their craptastically delicious hit, Flavor of Love. While Rock of Love is now being aired, I Love New York 2 is now in the editing room getting ready for a fall premiere, and Flavor of Love 3 is now casting.

Even though it’s the somewhat less entertaining than Flavor of Love and I Love New York spinoff, “Rock of Love” is what is on VH1 right now. So, I’ll start with breaking down the characters for you. (NOTE: I’m not listing all of them, because some of them got eliminated before they stepped foot in the house. I am only reviewing the ones who said or did something worth commenting on.)

*NOTE*: All of the pictures below are from VH1's "Rock of Love" webpage.



BRANDI C.

If you look up the definition of “dumb blond” in the dictionary, this chick’s face will be right up front, drunk as hell with a jumbo pickle in her mouth. With such quotes as, “I love my breasts! They’re the best present that I got from my parents last year,” and “I miss my cat. I’m not kidding. Abnormally I miss her,” it’s amazing that her head doesn’t float off of her body from the amount of helium in it.

Still, even after being a whore (she encourages Bret to have a polygamous relationship as long as she can be the #1 girlfriend, AKA: “The Holly”), doing a porn movie after the show (which she explains thusly: “I have a couple of girlfriends who do it and I was just kinda bored and coming off the whole crazy ride of that show. I was like, “Well, let me try it out and see if it’s something that I like.”), I actually kind of liked her. I mean, who the heck else is BRET MICHAELS going to end up with? He’s not looking for someone to bring home to mom (unless she’ll make out with her).

I think Brandi won me over when she said one of the better lines from the show: “I wish I was as drunk as I look.” Dang it all if I don’t feel like that a good half the times I drink. Girlfriend is A-OK by me.

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 4



BRANDI M.

I really want to like Brandi M. She seems like she’s got a good head on her shoulders. She’s a party girl without being a skank. She’s somewhat intelligent, and she has a fairly good sense of humor.

But, at the end of the day, Brandi M. kind of pisses me off. It finally hit me why when on this week’s episode (which I’ll review if I actually get a chance to watch it) she says on her date with Bret, “I can’t see myself marrying a woman. I’ll have sex with one, though. Don’t get me wrong. But then I’ll kick her out afterwards.”

Now, I don’t care if she’s bisexual. Whatever floats your boat, sister. MY thing is that there have been SOOOOOOO many “girl-on-girl” make-out sessions in the house, and in several of them, the camera has caught Brandi M. either laughing her butt off, or acting like she’s going to puke. Also, with all of these chicks making out with each other, including the ones who claim to be totally straight, Brandi has never even kissed another girl on the cheek.

Therefore, it is my personal opinion that she was just saying that to get Bret’s attention. And, I hate it when people are phonies, or try to become something that they’re not. So annoying. So, Brandi M. is on my “Sucks” list… even though I should probably put her on the “Munches” list. Feh, you get the point.

Oh, and it pissed me off that she actually BRAGS that she can fit her fist in her mouth. Am I supposed to be impressed by that? Call me back when you can fit a 20 oz. bottle of Aquafina in there, and then maybe you can give me some competition. (Yes, I have photographic proof. No, I'm not posting it.)

STATUS: Still in it to win it!



CINDY/RODEO

No one calls her “Cindy” on the show, including her. Her nickname is “Rodeo”. At first, I thought she’d piss me off because of such a stupid nickname. But, she actually became my favorite in the show. Definitely a Mommy figure, she had one of the few genuine connections with Bret. Also, I liked that she was at least SOMEWHAT close to his age, and probably was alive when he was at the height of his fame.

Plus, she kicked Lacey’s ass. That alone is enough to make me be on Team Rodeo.

Alas, she got eliminated because Bret knew she missed her little boy too much to continue the show. RIP Rodeo. You were definitely the best one for Bret in the house. Be thankful you escaped without catching “the herp”… I hope. =/

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 4

DALLAS

Again, I thought I wouldn’t like Dallas, because normally people who are named after cities are as retarded as the parents who named them. But, this Dallas kicked ass, if for no other reason than she continuously tortured Lacey. (Can you tell who my least favorite person is in the cast, yet?)

Basically, Lacey is a psychotic bitch. She also is a huge PETA activist. Coincidence? I think not. (This is coming from a vegetarian, mind you.) So, Dallas torments Lacey by saying she wears fur, leather, eats meat, and would slit any animal’s throat if it was there right then and there. While that sounds bad, I believe she was just saying that last part to drive Lacey bat shit insane – and it worked.

Dallas became my reality show hero of the week when Lacey made some stupid comment about how Dallas should go eat a squirrel. Dallas’s response?

“What was Bret wearing a couple of day ago? Snakes! Snakes! Snakes! He was wearing &*%$*@# animals!”

So, basically Dallas called out Lacey for the hypocrite that she is. BEAUTIFUL. Alas, Bret Michaels is a moron, and kept Lacey over Dallas.

The one problem I have with Dallas is that in her bio she says her hero is Marilyn Manson. Anyone who says their hero is Marilyn Manson is an emo douche who is disillusioned enough to think that somehow their pain is worse than anyone picked at random in the developing world. End of story.

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 3

ERIN

Aww man, that’s my GIRL right there!

At first, I thought I would despise Erin. Her bio claims she was “Miss Hooters Illinois”, and she has quite possibly the biggest and fakest looking breast implants I’ve seen outside of the porn industry.

But, Erin soon proved herself not only to be quite intelligent, but also well spoken, respectable, and vicious with the comebacks. And, there was quite a lot of hate being thrown at her.

My favorite Erin moment was when Brandi C. was pissed at her for winning a date with Bret. She full on called her “clown tits”. (Another reason Brandi C. eventually won me over. “Clown tits” – that’s pretty flippin’ funny, right there.) Without even skipping a beat, Erin says to her, “Sweetie, you’re not even that pretty. Oh sorry, that’s right, you’re pretty in the meth world with your meth-scratched face.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That’s so something I would say. OK, so granted we later find out those scars are from a terrible car accident. But, the fact that Brandi C. referred to them as “a disability” made me feel better for laughing in the first place.

“Meth-scratched face” – AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It just doesn’t get old.

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 5



HEATHER

Whore.

If Lacey is my least favorite person on the show, Heather is my second least favorite. She’s a 32 year-old stripper with some of the worst white trash hair I have ever seen in my life – and I watch A LOT of Jerry Springer and COPS. A few examples:

EXAMPLE: When on a double date with Brad and Magdalena, Magdalena calls her out on her stripping. Bret asks her how long she plans to strip. She says, “I’ve got 6 more months left. When I started stripping, I said to myself, ‘Well, I’ll give it a try for five years, and then I’ll stop.’ I’ve been doing it four and a half years, so in 6 months I’m out.”

Oh where, oh where to begin on this? First of all, who “tries” anything for FIVE YEARS? If she was going to “try” stripping, she would do it for a month. No one “tries” anything for five years. That’s like “trying” college for five years to see if you’re going to do anything with it.

Second of all, ho is 32 years old. If someone “tries” stripping, they’re usually paying for school and under the age of 21. If you’re a 32 year old stripper, you’re a fucking professional at this point. This is not trying a new job – it’s is a frickin’ CAREER. Take that reality check and cash it in for some Pampers money.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a dumb whore. If you’re going to be a whore, at least be a smart one, so you can hopefully graduate to full-on “hustler” status by the time those fake titties are the only things not wrinkled and sagging on your body. Heather is the expired milk of the house, at this point, and she doesn’t even realize it.

WHORE.

STATUS: Still in it to win it!

JES

*sigh* I want to like Jes. I really do. I know she’s one of the few non-skanks remaining on the program. She’s very pretty, and she’s a somewhat smart gal. And, she nearly broke Lacey’s ankle in the football game episode last Sunday. So, she’s mostly OK with me.

But, I just can’t throw my full support behind her. I don’t know why. She just strikes me as the type of girl who only has male friends. GUYS: If your girlfriend only has male friends, BE VERY AFRAID. It means one of three things:

1. She’s a whore
2. She’s a total bitch, and only men will put up with her because she’s good looking; or
3. She’s a total bitch, and only men will put up with her because she gives out BJs like they’re Kleenex – who ever sneezes gets one.

In Jes’s case, I’m guessing it’s number 2. But, since she took Lacey down a couple of notches, I’ll keep her on the “Cool” list for now.

STATUS: Still in it to win it!

KRISTIA

Brandi C. and her became “best friends” within minutes of meeting each other. After approximately five minutes, they were mashing their boobs together, with Kristia screaming, “If we put our boobs together, we can think better!”

Good… freaking… gosh. Susan B. Anthony is rolling over in her grave right now. Granted, she would love to be the meat in that “deep thinking” sandwich, but she’d still be horrified at the implications upon womankind. Then again, I think Susie preferred brunettes….

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 3

LACEY

I cannot even find the words to describe my complete and utter contempt for this, in her own words, “waste of sperm and egg”.

Lacey is a psycho. She tries to get every girl out of the house that isn’t a skank, or that doesn’t lick her hairy asshole. (So, pretty much everyone other than Heather.)

She’s also a total hypocrite. She PROCLAIMS to be a staunch PETA member. Yet, Bret Michaels makes no bones about the fact that he loves meat, he loves to hunt, and he frequently wears all sorts of animal skins and furs. And, Lacey just smiles and rubs another one out for him. But, all hell breaks loose should one of the other girls in the house suggest that they are not a militant PETA douche.

The other thing about Lacey is she acts like she’s so tough. Meanwhile, she’s gotten her ass handed to her in every single fight she’s gotten into. Dallas, Rodeo, and Jes have all kicked her stankin’ ass, and yet she still continues to think she’s all hard and shit. I can’t stand people like that. I may talk a lot of shit, but at least I know that if I was in a fight with anyone under the age of 95, I’d end up with three remaining teeth and a concussion.

STATUS: Still in it to win it!



MAGDALENA

OK, so I might have a personal bias towards Magdalena since she’s a tall gal like myself (she’s 6’3”). But, I do think she kicks ass.

First of all, she and Sam are the smartest girls in the house. (Who would have thought the Polish girl would be one of the smart ones? Oh c’mon, there aren’t nearly enough Polish jokes going around these days…)

Here’s why I like Magdalena: she tells it like it is. Magdalena calls out the whores in the house to their faces… and often in front of Bret’s. On Heather’s explanation of her “6 more months” of stripping, Magdalena says, “That’s the classic stripper line. ‘I’m gonna quit next month’.” Wow, I guess Polish strippers are just like American strippers.

I would say I hope she won, but with shows like these, “winning” is really losing.

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 6



MIA

No one really knows about this chick because she hasn’t gotten much TV time.

But, she’s still around, so I guess she’s got something going for her. In the mean time, she’s on the fence with me. She hasn’t done anything stupid, but she hasn’t done anything amusing either.

STATUS: Still in it to win it!



SAM

Definitely my favorite gal out of the bunch. She’s the only girl left with any sort of serious brain power. I also like Sam because she stays true to herself. She gets upset when she sees Bret making out with the other girls, she admits she has trust issues, and she seems to have genuine feelings for Bret.

Alas, I’m betting that she’ll be eliminated in the next two episodes since she won’t put out and/or she can’t handle seeing him make out with all sorts of different women. It’s all good, though. She’s better off without him, anyway.

STATUS: Still in it to win it!


UNTIL NEXT TIME...

So, I have now (hopefully) caught you up on the characters of this show. I might not get a chance to see Episode 6 this week. But, if I do, I'll do a scathing & amusing review of it. Otherwise, I'll just wait until next week. (I know, I know -- you're crushed.)

Until next time, remember: when deciding what to watch on just remember all of it is crap, but only the rarest of jewels are craptastic. O=)

Cheers,

E

My Take on Barry Bonds

So, unless you make it point to be completely unaware of the news (which I can’t blame you for doing, quite frankly), you’ve probably already heard that Barry Bonds broke one of the most beloved and longest-running records in sports. By hitting home run #756 on Tuesday night, Bonds officially broke Hank Aaron’s home run record set in the 70’s. (While Aaron officially broke Babe Ruth’s record in 1974 with 715, he finished off his career in 1976 with a staggering 755 runs.)

Can we get serious for a moment: Is there anyone outside of the City of San Francisco that thinks that we should celebrate this? Heck, is there anyone IN San Francisco who, if they really look at the facts, say, “Yeah, we should be celebrating this man and his accomplishments”?

If there is anyone, I have a bridge for sale that you might be interested in…


NOT SAYING ANYTHING NEW

Now, I know I’m no sports reporter. (I know, shocker huh?) I’m sure all of these trained journalists who have studied baseball for years have much more eloquence and historical facts to utilize in explaining their points of view.

However, it seems that this “love” of the game has deluded several sports writers into writing various pieces ranging from, “He might be an ass, but he’s a great hitter with or without steroids,” to “He’s brought so much attention back to the game,” to “He’s EARNED that title.” How anyone could see this as a moment to celebrate or congratulate, I don’t know.

Quite frankly, I believe it’s one of the worst things to happen in baseball history.


“HE EARNED THAT TITLE”

Out of all of the arguments that I’ve heard in favor of Bonds becoming the new “home run king” (which makes me want to puke even typing that), this one has got to be the most outlandish, unfounded, and ridiculous claim of all.

Barry Bonds earned that title like a bank robber earned that bank’s money.

“Hey, that bank robber had to have natural talent in order to get away with the robbery! He had to be naturally good at handling money in order to make his way across the Mexican border without being arrested. He had to be super intelligent to plan the whole thing out and not get caught. He was so brave to go into that bank, knowing he might be shot by the bank tellers, or by the police & SWAT teams. Man oh man, make no mistake, that bank robber EARNED that money!”

Seriously, it’s about the same logic.

Unless you are either choosing to remain purposely detached from reality or a moron, you recognize that Barry Bonds uses steroids. To claim otherwise is either completely ignorant or retarded – and I’m not sure which is worse.

Meanwhile, Hank Aaron did it the all-natural way. Nothing ever came easy to that man. He Born to poor dock workers, he had to not only work his ass off to get to the big leagues, but he had to deal with rampant racism at the time, as well. The stadiums he was at suffered from record low attendance in the run-ups to his record breaking home run. And, right before he did break the record, he was receiving regular death threats against his whole family.

Barry Bonds would have been a great athlete without steroids. BUT, he would have never beat Hank Aaron’s record without the help of steroids. All you have to do is listen to the man – all of his problems are someone else’s fault. He would have never beat the home run record naturally because he doesn’t have the work ethic, or (and perhaps more importantly) the personal accountability to recognize his mistakes and to correct them.

Barry Bonds “earned” home run #756 like little, rich frat boys with IQs lower than Paris Hilton make their ways into Ivy League colleges.

And, let me just say for the record, Bonds planned that home run to be in his home stadium, and it’s a darn good thing he did. I can’t imagine the response from anywhere else would have been anything other than boos mixed with a few intermittent cheers – from the same idiots who claim he “earned” his title.


“HE’S BROUGHT SO MUCH ATTENTION BACK TO THE GAME”

It’s undeniable – Barry Bonds’s home run chase sold out every stadium he was in for weeks. He’s the number 1 athlete googled in the past weeks, as well.

It can’t be denied that Barry Bonds has brought back “attention” to the game. The real question is what kind of attention is it?

Barry Bonds has brought attention back to baseball like Tonya Harding brought back attention to ice skating.

“Sure, Harding had her meth head boyfriend/husband/cousin hire some borderline retarded goon to smash in a fellow competitor’s knee with a baseball bat. But, look at all the attention ice skating is getting now! People actually watch it on TV! Look at all the money we’re making from selling tickets and advertising opportunities! This is GREAT for the sport of ice skating!”

No, it’s great for the BUSINESS of ice skating.

The thing about modern sports is that it has been impossible to separate sports from business. But, even though they are inevitably entwined, THEY ARE STILL SEPARATE ENTITIES.

Sure, Bonds’s home run chase has boosted lagging ticket sales. Home audience viewership has skyrocketed, as well. The business side of baseball has profited from Bonds.

Perhaps that’s why they have turned a blind eye to Bonds’s obvious steroid use. When your pockets are being lined with the proceeds of someone’s cheating, it makes it very hard to be an objective party.

But, make no mistake, the sport of baseball is being ruined by Bonds. How long do you think the renewed attention is going to last now that Bonds has hit #756? I give it two weeks tops.

Then, after that, baseball enthusiasts everywhere have to reconcile themselves to the fact that a man who worked his ass off his entire life, withstood setbacks and prejudice, and still managed to come out on top (and be a genuinely good person, to boot), has now been replaced in the record books by a cheating, steroid-using, cocky, arrogant man who blames everyone for his problems other than himself.

The fact of the matter is if there’s any “bright” note of the new “attention” brought from Bonds to baseball, it’s that maybe everyone will think a little bit more about what kind of example it sets for kids (and also adults) watching baseball. Having Barry Bonds be the “home run king” is like putting a giant poster in schools saying, “Hey kids: Cheating pays off – just so long as you pay every one off. All the best, Barry Bonds.”


“HE MIGHT BE AN ASS, BUT HE’S A GREAT HITTER WITH OR WITHOUT STEROIDS”

This is probably the most well-thought out argument I’ve come across in defense of Barry Bonds. You can’t debate either of those facts. Barry Bonds is an ass, but he is a fantastic hitter.

But, what all does that mean? Bonds is by no means the only great hitter to ever walk onto the field of Major League baseball. If Hank Aaron could do all that he did WITHOUT the help of steroids, imagine what he would have done if he was as juiced as Barry Bonds!

Even by today’s standards, Barry Bonds isn’t even necessarily the best hitter on the field. Alex Rodriguez (for all of his faults) is nearing home run #500. The guy is only 32 years old, and has been in the major league since 1994. Barry Bonds, by contrast, has been in the majors since 1986. A-Rod has done in 13 years what it took Barry Bonds 15 years to do (www.baseball-reference.com).

I’m no math major, but it seems to me the only thing Bonds has up on A-Rod is the number of years on the field.

But, it’s true. Barry Bonds is a great hitter. Yes, he draws the crowds in with his antics. Yes, he makes people pay more attention at the games.

But, what does it all mean at the end of the day? Saying “Barry Bonds is an ass, but he’s a great hitter with or without steroids” is like saying, “Lindsay Lohan is a coked up psychotic bitch, but she’s a very talented actress.” Do you think anyone is knocking down Lindsay Lohan’s door saying: “Please bring your addiction and emotional problems to my set, just so that I can have your talent in my movie! Never mind that it will cost more to keep your ass alive and out of jail (let alone actually coherent on my set) than the movie will actually bring in at the theatres, or that you’ll be completely ungrateful for all of our money and effort. You’re a very talented actress, so we’re going to look the other way, and bend over backwards to make sure you stay out of trouble”?

People actually did that for a while with Lindsay Lohan; but, look at where she is today. No one wants to hire her. Hollywood is shunning her. Everyone is pronouncing her career dead.

Meanwhile, Barry Bonds has been able to put on his Giants jersey every day, has played every game that he was physically able to, and has been allowed to be named the “home run king”. Why? Why does Barry Bonds’s addiction to steroids differ from Lindsay Lohan’s to cocaine and alcohol? Why does Bonds get to make it into the records while Lohan will be lucky to be able to afford rehab in 5 years?


“YOU’RE JUST A HATER”

I’ll put this out there right now: I am a die-hard Dodgers fan. I make no bones about it. I love the Dodgers with a fierce sense of loyalty usually only reserved for family and very close friends. I would take a bullet for Russell Martin. Yes, the Giants are the enemy, and I do seriously consider if I find out someone is a Giants fan if we can still be friends.

I’ll also tell you right now that I AM a hater. I love the hate. I belong to the Hater-Nation. My favorite Chappelle Show clip of all-time is “The Haters’ Ball”. Hating is an art form, and I work on my skills all day every day.

Those disclaimers out of the way, I want to emphasize that if Barry Bonds had not done steroids, and had truly earned all 756 home runs through hard work and effort, I would have given him a standing ovation.

For example, I absolutely HATE the New England Patriots. I loathe them with a passion that ranks just below the Giants, and just above peacock shit on the hood of my car. But, I think Tom Brady is an all-right guy. (Bleah, I just threw up in my mouth a little.)

Seriously, though, while I love to “hate” on Brady, deep down I really do like and respect the guy. (OK, now I full-on vomited on my laptop.) He’s a fantastic player, and he got that way by hard work, dedication, and persistence.

If Barry Bonds hit home run #756 Tuesday night with a steroid-free past, even if he was still as big of an ass as he is now, I would give the guy his dues. I would say, “You know what? I don’t like him. I hate his team. But, the man has an incredible gift, and I can’t hate on that.”
But, that’s not what’s going on. Instead, he’s a juiced up, egomaniacal PHONY.

Let me ALSO say this: If Barry Bonds had done everything the exact same way, yet was on the Dodgers instead of the Giants, I would probably be booing even louder than I was when he beat the record playing for the Giants.

Why? Because I expect more from my team. If my beloved Dodgers EVER let a steroid-shooting, surly, arrogant jerk play for their team not just for one season, but for so long that he could take away a very honorable man’s record by cheating, I would be so mad that I would never step into Dodgers Stadium again.

And, that brings me to the main point of this blog. The fact of the matter is this is a moral issue. By letting Barry Bonds become “home run king”, the MLB business offices have killed whatever morality and honor that was left in major league baseball. They’ve allowed the message that “Cheating is not only acceptable; it’s rewarded,” to be pumped into our homes and cars all over the nation. It’s saying that hard work, patience, persistence, and a good character aren’t what matters; just so long as you’re the best, they don’t care what you have to do to get there.

What a great lesson. I just wish someone had taught me that in elementary school. I would have never tried so hard to get everything that I have today.

Good thing we have the MLB business tycoons, the Giants, and Barry Bonds nowadays. Surely our children will not make the same mistake that we did.

Cheers,

E

Just Blog, Bitch!

IT ALL STARTED WITH NOVARTIS...

So, I had this whole LONG blog that I was writing on the Novartis case. To make a long story short (since I already made the blog too dang long, anyway), Novartis had challenged the Indian Government's patent laws (which were agreed upon by the international community, including pharmaceutical companies, in 2001 with the Trade-Related Aspects of Intellectual Property Rights (TRIPS) Agreement and Public Health).

If Novartis had won it's case, it could have had a devastating effect on the generic drug market, which would be severly detrimental to AIDS ravaged countries that depend on less-expensive generic medications to help curb the rising death tolls from AIDS.


GOOD NEWS... EXCEPT THAT I'M A PERFECTIONIST

Today, I got an e-mail today from one of my activist groups that let me know the Indian Government had dismissed Novartis's case, and that Novartis stated that they did not plan to appeal the decision. This is tremendously exciting news for the millions of people in developing nations that depend on the generic antiretroviral drugs (ARVs) to extend their lives.

I guess my only anger now is directed at myself. I took so dang long writing up an essay on the subject that I never got around to posting it, which defeats the whole purpose of writing an essay to gain public awareness. I mean, the thing is now about seven pages long, and it's not even finished. That's just too dang much talking.

I wish I could have done more to help in this cause, but I couldn't even get a frickin' BLOG out to my friends so as to garner more attention to this issue because of my obsession with perfect grammar, spelling, and (most importantly) LOGIC. I didn't want anyone to come back at me arguing for Novartis. I wanted my argument to be rock solid on the first try, answering all counterarguments before they could even leave the minds of the people who thought them.

But, then I thought about the whole situation... the "big picture". Really this is a HUGE victory for so many millions of people. These generic drugs don't just save lives of the people with diseases like AIDS. In places like sub-Saharan Africa that has 24.5 million people infected with AIDS and at least 12 million orphans whose parents died from AIDS related diseases, an entire generation is being affected by having to grow up without their biological parents. And, while many Africans extend extreme generosity in taking in several members of their extended family when their parents pass, millions of children are having to grow up in orphanages.

Now, their parents can survive and raise them into their adulthood, giving the children a much better chance of success in their future, as well as giving their parents a much more peaceful passing knowing that they will not be abandoning their children.

True, I worried so much about making "the perfect" argument that I didn't gather more awareness and support for this cause via friends and random strangers that read my blog. That's a mistake I don't want to repeat. It's happened before, but this was the last straw for me.


CHANGES

You see, in the past few months, I've seen some serious changes in the greater American public, particularly my generation. We are tired of the status quo. We not only recognize that we are being lied to (by our government, by the mainstream media, by corportate America, etc.), but we're actually starting to DO something about it. And, even those who haven't actively started doing something about it are at least getting so fed up with the way things are that they are looking for ways to make this world better.

In the past few months, I've seen some major victories occur at the hands of some of my grassroots activism groups:

- The Novartis Case Dismissed. (08/07)
- Starbucks consenting to the demands of the Ethopian farmers after boycotts were formed. (06/07)
- The Clean Energy Bill being passed in the US House of Representatives after several months of back-and-forth arguing. (08/07)
- The UN Security Council announced that it will deploy 26,000 peacekeepers and police to from a full hybrid UN-African Union mission in Darfur by the end of 2007. (08/07)

Still, with all of these wonderful movements forward, there is always work to be done. I know I personally get overwhelmed by just how much evil and wrongdoing is occuring in our world. Its sheer magnitude can become so terrible that often we either try to ignore everything out of hopelessness, or we try to take on everything at once, which eventually leads to ignoring the millions of problems because of hopelessness.


JUST BLOG, BITCH!

I've never been skilled in the art of brevity. I never had a problem with the 25+ page essays. The ones I loathed were the one page summaries I had to do on a Shakespearean play. (For the record, Dr. Rocklin, I'm so glad you made me do those... even though they haunt my every waking hour.)

But, from now on, I'd like to definitely make the bulk of my blogging about stupid things that either amuse me, or piss me off... thereby allowing me to be a catty bitch, which in turn also amuses me.

HOWEVER, when I get notice of a really important issue next time, I'm not going to worry about making the perfect argument. If you have a problem with any of the views I have, or any of the stances I take on issues, by all means let me know about it. I'll be more than happy to explain myself.

If you want to nit pick at my grammar and/or spelling, just be aware that 99.9% of the blogs are written when I shouldn't be blogging, thus making for an often rushed blog that I don't always get to proofread before I hit the "Publish Post". I promise I'll go through and correct things on any new blog later. Believe me -- I hate having spelling and grammatical errors in my writing far more than you hate having to read them.

Are we cool, then?

Woo hoo! And, on that note, here's a fabulous graphic that I recently found that amuses me greatly.




=) And, all was right with the world...

Cheers,

E