As I was sitting at work with nothing to do until Best Buy decides to give me ANOTHER inane and stupid project because they are too retarded to do it themselves (like entering in the “Ship to” addresses on their POs – I’m not kidding), I decided that I am going to start reviewing my favorite craptastic TV shows.
VH1 has helped my dream come true by doing TWO spin offs of their craptastically delicious hit, Flavor of Love. While Rock of Love is now being aired, I Love New York 2 is now in the editing room getting ready for a fall premiere, and Flavor of Love 3 is now casting.
Even though it’s the somewhat less entertaining than Flavor of Love and I Love New York spinoff, “Rock of Love” is what is on VH1 right now. So, I’ll start with breaking down the characters for you. (NOTE: I’m not listing all of them, because some of them got eliminated before they stepped foot in the house. I am only reviewing the ones who said or did something worth commenting on.)
*NOTE*: All of the pictures below are from VH1's "Rock of Love" webpage.
BRANDI C.
If you look up the definition of “dumb blond” in the dictionary, this chick’s face will be right up front, drunk as hell with a jumbo pickle in her mouth. With such quotes as, “I love my breasts! They’re the best present that I got from my parents last year,” and “I miss my cat. I’m not kidding. Abnormally I miss her,” it’s amazing that her head doesn’t float off of her body from the amount of helium in it.
Still, even after being a whore (she encourages Bret to have a polygamous relationship as long as she can be the #1 girlfriend, AKA: “The Holly”), doing a porn movie after the show (which she explains thusly: “I have a couple of girlfriends who do it and I was just kinda bored and coming off the whole crazy ride of that show. I was like, “Well, let me try it out and see if it’s something that I like.”), I actually kind of liked her. I mean, who the heck else is BRET MICHAELS going to end up with? He’s not looking for someone to bring home to mom (unless she’ll make out with her).
I think Brandi won me over when she said one of the better lines from the show: “I wish I was as drunk as I look.” Dang it all if I don’t feel like that a good half the times I drink. Girlfriend is A-OK by me.
STATUS: Eliminated Episode 4
BRANDI M.
I really want to like Brandi M. She seems like she’s got a good head on her shoulders. She’s a party girl without being a skank. She’s somewhat intelligent, and she has a fairly good sense of humor.
But, at the end of the day, Brandi M. kind of pisses me off. It finally hit me why when on this week’s episode (which I’ll review if I actually get a chance to watch it) she says on her date with Bret, “I can’t see myself marrying a woman. I’ll have sex with one, though. Don’t get me wrong. But then I’ll kick her out afterwards.”
Now, I don’t care if she’s bisexual. Whatever floats your boat, sister. MY thing is that there have been SOOOOOOO many “girl-on-girl” make-out sessions in the house, and in several of them, the camera has caught Brandi M. either laughing her butt off, or acting like she’s going to puke. Also, with all of these chicks making out with each other, including the ones who claim to be totally straight, Brandi has never even kissed another girl on the cheek.
Therefore, it is my personal opinion that she was just saying that to get Bret’s attention. And, I hate it when people are phonies, or try to become something that they’re not. So annoying. So, Brandi M. is on my “Sucks” list… even though I should probably put her on the “Munches” list. Feh, you get the point.
Oh, and it pissed me off that she actually BRAGS that she can fit her fist in her mouth. Am I supposed to be impressed by that? Call me back when you can fit a 20 oz. bottle of Aquafina in there, and then maybe you can give me some competition. (Yes, I have photographic proof. No, I'm not posting it.)
STATUS: Still in it to win it!
CINDY/RODEO
No one calls her “Cindy” on the show, including her. Her nickname is “Rodeo”. At first, I thought she’d piss me off because of such a stupid nickname. But, she actually became my favorite in the show. Definitely a Mommy figure, she had one of the few genuine connections with Bret. Also, I liked that she was at least SOMEWHAT close to his age, and probably was alive when he was at the height of his fame.
Plus, she kicked Lacey’s ass. That alone is enough to make me be on Team Rodeo.
Alas, she got eliminated because Bret knew she missed her little boy too much to continue the show. RIP Rodeo. You were definitely the best one for Bret in the house. Be thankful you escaped without catching “the herp”… I hope. =/
STATUS: Eliminated Episode 4
DALLAS
Again, I thought I wouldn’t like Dallas, because normally people who are named after cities are as retarded as the parents who named them. But, this Dallas kicked ass, if for no other reason than she continuously tortured Lacey. (Can you tell who my least favorite person is in the cast, yet?)
Basically, Lacey is a psychotic bitch. She also is a huge PETA activist. Coincidence? I think not. (This is coming from a vegetarian, mind you.) So, Dallas torments Lacey by saying she wears fur, leather, eats meat, and would slit any animal’s throat if it was there right then and there. While that sounds bad, I believe she was just saying that last part to drive Lacey bat shit insane – and it worked.
Dallas became my reality show hero of the week when Lacey made some stupid comment about how Dallas should go eat a squirrel. Dallas’s response?
“What was Bret wearing a couple of day ago? Snakes! Snakes! Snakes! He was wearing &*%$*@# animals!”
So, basically Dallas called out Lacey for the hypocrite that she is. BEAUTIFUL. Alas, Bret Michaels is a moron, and kept Lacey over Dallas.
The one problem I have with Dallas is that in her bio she says her hero is Marilyn Manson. Anyone who says their hero is Marilyn Manson is an emo douche who is disillusioned enough to think that somehow their pain is worse than anyone picked at random in the developing world. End of story.
STATUS: Eliminated Episode 3
ERIN
Aww man, that’s my GIRL right there!
At first, I thought I would despise Erin. Her bio claims she was “Miss Hooters Illinois”, and she has quite possibly the biggest and fakest looking breast implants I’ve seen outside of the porn industry.
But, Erin soon proved herself not only to be quite intelligent, but also well spoken, respectable, and vicious with the comebacks. And, there was quite a lot of hate being thrown at her.
My favorite Erin moment was when Brandi C. was pissed at her for winning a date with Bret. She full on called her “clown tits”. (Another reason Brandi C. eventually won me over. “Clown tits” – that’s pretty flippin’ funny, right there.) Without even skipping a beat, Erin says to her, “Sweetie, you’re not even that pretty. Oh sorry, that’s right, you’re pretty in the meth world with your meth-scratched face.”
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That’s so something I would say. OK, so granted we later find out those scars are from a terrible car accident. But, the fact that Brandi C. referred to them as “a disability” made me feel better for laughing in the first place.
“Meth-scratched face” – AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It just doesn’t get old.
STATUS: Eliminated Episode 5
HEATHER
Whore.
If Lacey is my least favorite person on the show, Heather is my second least favorite. She’s a 32 year-old stripper with some of the worst white trash hair I have ever seen in my life – and I watch A LOT of Jerry Springer and COPS. A few examples:
EXAMPLE: When on a double date with Brad and Magdalena, Magdalena calls her out on her stripping. Bret asks her how long she plans to strip. She says, “I’ve got 6 more months left. When I started stripping, I said to myself, ‘Well, I’ll give it a try for five years, and then I’ll stop.’ I’ve been doing it four and a half years, so in 6 months I’m out.”
Oh where, oh where to begin on this? First of all, who “tries” anything for FIVE YEARS? If she was going to “try” stripping, she would do it for a month. No one “tries” anything for five years. That’s like “trying” college for five years to see if you’re going to do anything with it.
Second of all, ho is 32 years old. If someone “tries” stripping, they’re usually paying for school and under the age of 21. If you’re a 32 year old stripper, you’re a fucking professional at this point. This is not trying a new job – it’s is a frickin’ CAREER. Take that reality check and cash it in for some Pampers money.
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a dumb whore. If you’re going to be a whore, at least be a smart one, so you can hopefully graduate to full-on “hustler” status by the time those fake titties are the only things not wrinkled and sagging on your body. Heather is the expired milk of the house, at this point, and she doesn’t even realize it.
WHORE.
STATUS: Still in it to win it!
JES
*sigh* I want to like Jes. I really do. I know she’s one of the few non-skanks remaining on the program. She’s very pretty, and she’s a somewhat smart gal. And, she nearly broke Lacey’s ankle in the football game episode last Sunday. So, she’s mostly OK with me.
But, I just can’t throw my full support behind her. I don’t know why. She just strikes me as the type of girl who only has male friends. GUYS: If your girlfriend only has male friends, BE VERY AFRAID. It means one of three things:
1. She’s a whore
2. She’s a total bitch, and only men will put up with her because she’s good looking; or
3. She’s a total bitch, and only men will put up with her because she gives out BJs like they’re Kleenex – who ever sneezes gets one.
In Jes’s case, I’m guessing it’s number 2. But, since she took Lacey down a couple of notches, I’ll keep her on the “Cool” list for now.
1. She’s a whore
2. She’s a total bitch, and only men will put up with her because she’s good looking; or
3. She’s a total bitch, and only men will put up with her because she gives out BJs like they’re Kleenex – who ever sneezes gets one.
In Jes’s case, I’m guessing it’s number 2. But, since she took Lacey down a couple of notches, I’ll keep her on the “Cool” list for now.
STATUS: Still in it to win it!
KRISTIA
Brandi C. and her became “best friends” within minutes of meeting each other. After approximately five minutes, they were mashing their boobs together, with Kristia screaming, “If we put our boobs together, we can think better!”
Good… freaking… gosh. Susan B. Anthony is rolling over in her grave right now. Granted, she would love to be the meat in that “deep thinking” sandwich, but she’d still be horrified at the implications upon womankind. Then again, I think Susie preferred brunettes….
Good… freaking… gosh. Susan B. Anthony is rolling over in her grave right now. Granted, she would love to be the meat in that “deep thinking” sandwich, but she’d still be horrified at the implications upon womankind. Then again, I think Susie preferred brunettes….
STATUS: Eliminated Episode 3
LACEY
I cannot even find the words to describe my complete and utter contempt for this, in her own words, “waste of sperm and egg”.
Lacey is a psycho. She tries to get every girl out of the house that isn’t a skank, or that doesn’t lick her hairy asshole. (So, pretty much everyone other than Heather.)
She’s also a total hypocrite. She PROCLAIMS to be a staunch PETA member. Yet, Bret Michaels makes no bones about the fact that he loves meat, he loves to hunt, and he frequently wears all sorts of animal skins and furs. And, Lacey just smiles and rubs another one out for him. But, all hell breaks loose should one of the other girls in the house suggest that they are not a militant PETA douche.
The other thing about Lacey is she acts like she’s so tough. Meanwhile, she’s gotten her ass handed to her in every single fight she’s gotten into. Dallas, Rodeo, and Jes have all kicked her stankin’ ass, and yet she still continues to think she’s all hard and shit. I can’t stand people like that. I may talk a lot of shit, but at least I know that if I was in a fight with anyone under the age of 95, I’d end up with three remaining teeth and a concussion.
STATUS: Still in it to win it!
MAGDALENA
OK, so I might have a personal bias towards Magdalena since she’s a tall gal like myself (she’s 6’3”). But, I do think she kicks ass.
First of all, she and Sam are the smartest girls in the house. (Who would have thought the Polish girl would be one of the smart ones? Oh c’mon, there aren’t nearly enough Polish jokes going around these days…)
Here’s why I like Magdalena: she tells it like it is. Magdalena calls out the whores in the house to their faces… and often in front of Bret’s. On Heather’s explanation of her “6 more months” of stripping, Magdalena says, “That’s the classic stripper line. ‘I’m gonna quit next month’.” Wow, I guess Polish strippers are just like American strippers.
I would say I hope she won, but with shows like these, “winning” is really losing.
STATUS: Eliminated Episode 6
MIA
No one really knows about this chick because she hasn’t gotten much TV time.
But, she’s still around, so I guess she’s got something going for her. In the mean time, she’s on the fence with me. She hasn’t done anything stupid, but she hasn’t done anything amusing either.
STATUS: Still in it to win it!
SAM
Definitely my favorite gal out of the bunch. She’s the only girl left with any sort of serious brain power. I also like Sam because she stays true to herself. She gets upset when she sees Bret making out with the other girls, she admits she has trust issues, and she seems to have genuine feelings for Bret.
Alas, I’m betting that she’ll be eliminated in the next two episodes since she won’t put out and/or she can’t handle seeing him make out with all sorts of different women. It’s all good, though. She’s better off without him, anyway.
STATUS: Still in it to win it!
UNTIL NEXT TIME...
So, I have now (hopefully) caught you up on the characters of this show. I might not get a chance to see Episode 6 this week. But, if I do, I'll do a scathing & amusing review of it. Otherwise, I'll just wait until next week. (I know, I know -- you're crushed.)
Until next time, remember: when deciding what to watch on just remember all of it is crap, but only the rarest of jewels are craptastic. O=)
Cheers,
E
No comments:
Post a Comment