Random Thoughts on a Friday Night

Friday was a really busy day for me, so I didn't post a blog. I know, I suck.

But, even though I was at home at the 'rents house alone on a Friday night (a rare occassion, just for the record), I couldn't bring myself to post a blog. I was having some deep thoughts.

By "deep" I mean just the standard, run-of-the-mill random, crazy crap that inevitably floats through my mind.

So, around 1AM I decided to just write down some of the random thoughts that came to mind. I choose to share them here because:

A.) They're amusing to me;
B.) I have a feeling they'll be amusing to you; and,
C.) I don't have any better blog ideas this morning, and I'm going to lunch Ichi-Ban and shopping with the gals in a couple of hours.

Enjoy!

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON A FRIDAY NIGHT

One thing I hate more than anything in this world is sausage. Who the hell thought up sausage?! I’d hate to be part of that mental conversation:

“Hey self, you know what would be a great idea? How about we get a penis shaped sack of dried intestine skin, fill it with all of the leftover body parts of animals (and maybe a bit of their hair and feces), and sell it to people sealed in a bag of its own fermenting juices in packs of 8, while selling the necessary buns in packs of 10!”

There’s nothing wrong with the above thinking. It’s called a hot dog. But, then they had to go and add all of those funky spices and ruin a perfectly good thing. Who fucked that up? I’m looking at you GERMANY.

For the record, I’m a vegetarian.

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I don’t understand why it takes my bank 3-5 days to process a payment I make from my checking account there to my credit card account there. What’s going on in there? How much time does it take money from you and give it to yourself? My best time was 2 seconds.

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I really like puppets. I don’t know why. I think it’s because when they talk, they look like me.

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I really hate clowns. Who laughs at clowns? You know who laughs at clowns? No one – because clowns aren’t funny.

Who thought the concept of clowns would be funny? How’d that thought process go?

“Hey, I’ve got an idea to make people laugh! First, I’m going to put creepy make-up on my face that makes “Buffalo Bill” from Silence of the Lambs look like a kindergarten teacher.

“Then, I’m going to blow up balloons and twist them into knots to make them look vaguely like objects – mainly genitalia.

“Then, I’m going to put on some shoes that are way too big for me, rainbow suspenders, and a bright red afro wig, which will look great against my hospital white, painted face.

“Finally, I’m not going to talk, but instead make largely exaggerated faces and movements. Surely, that will give people the chuckles – especially little children who are right in the midst of the years when they’ll be forming all of the phobias that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.”

WRONG. The only time people laugh at clowns is when they get hurt and it’s clearly not part of the act. Stick that in your balloon and blow it.

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I never think about hypothetical questions hard enough. I was asked once if I could do one thing, and knew I wouldn’t fail at it, what would I do.

My immediate answer was, “Steal a penguin from Sea World and keep it as my pet.” Then I thought about for more than 3 seconds, and I was like, “Ah man! I mean bring about world peace!”

But, it was too late. I was already stuck with a confused penguin wondering how it got in my bathtub for my one lasting accomplishment in this world – hypothetically.

For the record though, it was totally worth it.



Cheers,

E