Forgiveness

NOTE: Here is the blog I did on forgiveness 2 weeks ago. I think now that we’re in the first few days of Lent, it’s actually a really good time to post this. I have lightly editing it, but the bulk of what I originally wrote has stayed the same.

FORGIVENESS

I’m actually posting something serious today. (I know, so much less amusing than reality TV assessments, but I need to get some things off my chest… or at least out of my mind.)

I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older that more people hate me or have grudges against me. I understand it’s just par for the course – the older you get, the more people you meet, and the more opportunities you have to piss people off.

As a Christian, I try to actively practice forgiveness. I haven’t quite succeeded on all fronts, but I am indeed trying. I pray for people who have really hurt me, that God would bless them, forgive them for what they did to me, and also help me to forgive them.

It’s a freeing thing to forgive others; quite possibly the most freeing thing someone can do in his or her life.

I’ve been blessed to have a lot of people forgive me for wrongs that I’ve committed in my life. I’ve wronged each of my closest friends, and they’ve all forgiven me for it. My parents have forgiven me for horrible things that I’ve said to them. They’ve forgiven me for things that I’ve done that were so disrespectful and bordering on cruel.

I would take a bullet for any of them because of it.

But, as many people as there are that have forgiven me for things that I’ve done wrong in my life, there are plenty more who haven’t. They know who they are – even if they’ve never directly come out and said that they are angry at me still.

I know it in my heart; and, it truly breaks me to the core.

I’ve said it before to people, but perhaps I haven’t said it firmly enough. Maybe I haven’t said it clearly enough.

But, to everyone whose feelings I have hurt, or who I may have disrespected, please believe me when I say I AM SORRY. I’m sorry for hurt feelings. I’m sorry for any disrespect that I might have directed towards you. I’m sorry if I misspoke without taking into account your side of the story or your feelings.

I’m sorry that I’m not a better person. But please believe me when I say that I pray every day that I will be.

I really wish it could be different. Unfortunately, sometimes you can never do enough to earn someone’s forgiveness.

I’ve encountered this from many people in my life. These people don’t talk about me to my face. I wish they did, though. I can deal with being confronted. And you know what? Typically once we do and everything is out in the open, we’re able to forgive one another.

What is the far worse is having to deal with people who act like nothing is wrong, instead choosing to take the passive-aggressive route. Things such as always declining your invitations, and not including you in theirs; answering your attempts at conversation in four words or less; taking condescending tones when speaking with you; ignoring you when you’re in the room; whispering about you when they think you can’t hear them – these are the most painful things to deal with, in my opinion.

Knowing that people are still angry at me, even to the point of hating me, whether it’s been 2 months or 17 years, it is one of the most difficult things for me to deal with.

At the end of the day, though, I don’t have a problem with forgiving people for any ill will that they may direct towards me. I know I have been in the wrong many times in my life. And, even if I truly believe I wasn’t, I still understand how people can feel wronged, even if there was no intent.

For me forgiving others is not my problem. My problem is I can’t forgive myself.

I still feel bad for things I did decades ago. I still feel bad about things that people have long since forgiven me for – some things that they weren’t even upset about in the first place.

The one person in this world I’ve never been able to forgive in my heart on at least some level is me. It eats me inside when old issues flare up, and I have to confront the fact that people out there are still angry and spiteful towards me.

I hate the fact that I have caused others to hate me; and, it leads to me being unable to forgive myself for what I’ve done – especially when the people that I’ve hurt won’t forgive me.

I guess what I really have to grab a hold of is the fact that even if people cannot forgive me, God can – and in fact already has, is doing so, and will continue to do so until I no longer am part of this world, but entirely of His.

Wow – even just typing that sentence made me feel a whole lot better. =)

God does forgive, and it is through his forgiveness that we are able to forgive. Whatever theology you believe in, that fact remains true: By receiving forgiveness, you are able to forgive.

It’s a long journey that I’ve been on. I don’t really talk a lot about the road I’ve taken to get here… partly because I’m ashamed at some level, partly because I know there are billions of people who have been through far worse, partly because I never want to relive those days.

The point in this blog here is that I truly believe that forgiving others, and accepting the forgiveness of others is the one of the most healing, freeing things that anyone can ever experience in this world. It is only by truly accepting forgiveness (from God, from others, and even from yourself) that we are able to fully understand forgiveness and its life changing properties.

There is an example that was burned into my mind several years ago that I feel summarizes this whole point.

Many of you may remember the “Green River Killer”, Gary Ridgway. He was known at the time as America’s Deadliest Serial Killer. He confessed to killing 48 women, most of them prostitutes – though actual estimates of his killings are much higher.

I remember watching a news clip back when he was being sentenced. Relatives and friends of the murdered women, one after one came up and unleashed their pain and fury. And, who could blame them? This man raped, tortured, and brutally murdered their mothers, daughters, sisters, granddaughters, aunts, and friends. The fact of the matter was he deserved every last ounce of their anger and hatred.

Through each of these encounters, he looked each of the accusers in the eye with a stone cold look of acceptance. No remorse, no compassion, just acceptance of their hatred and anger.

And, none of those people left feeling any better. This sick man had taken a cherished person from them. All the pain that they unleashed on him did nothing to change him. He still sat there with cold acceptance. People hated him. He knew it, he knew he deserved it, and he accepted it with indifference.

Then, an old man walked up to the podium. He had a long, shaggy grey beard and was wearing simple clothes that looked like a farmer’s outfit. He spoke with a quiet voice of his working as a “Santa Claus” in his community.

His name was Robert Rule. His daughter had been one of the victims of Gary Ridgway.

What happened next was quite possibly one of the most moving things I’ve ever seen in my life.



See, that is the power of forgiveness there. What Mr. Rule did was probably one of the most courageous, difficult, merciful things I’ve ever seen in my life. And the effects were immediate – he reduced a cold, hardened, serial killer to tears.

It’s things like this that make me want to be a better person. It’s things like this that make me want to forgive everyone who has wronged me; because, the truth of the matter is, Mr. Rule is the only one who walked out of that courtroom with any sense of peace and closure in his heart.

Regardless if I can ever be forgiven by certain individuals, I can move forward knowing that I am forgiven by the One whose forgiveness is most precious, and I in turn can move forward forgiving everyone who has wronged me.

Do I wish things could be different? Absolutely. I wish that everyone in the world that I’ve ever met liked me and was on good terms with me.

But, it’s never going to be like that – at least not here on this earth. What I have to hold on to, and what I think has the biggest lesson that I’ve learned thus far this year is to grab a hold of the forgiveness given to you, and in return give it back to all who have wronged you – regardless of whether or not people do the same for you. Do it, and you’ll see your life transformed in ways that you never could have imagined.

Anyway, sorry this is not a more amusing blog. If you quit reading halfway through… well, then you’re probably not reading this sentence, so never mind.

If anything I’ve said here has offended you, or if I sound too preachy, or if it sounds like I don’t care how others are feeling about me, or if I sound like I think I’m so awesome and/or better than others because I’m working on forgiveness, please know that is not at all my intent.

Please… do forgive me. O=)

I write this because finding forgiveness is truly the path to freedom. Religions are founded upon it. Relationships are healed because of it. People are free to live because of it.

I write this because I want EVERYONE to find it – wherever it may be.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Hopefully, I’ll be back to the usual, inane crap on Monday. But, truly, I thank you for reading this far. As a reward, and to lighten the mood, here are some awesome LOLCats. (I know, totally off-topic, but I feel that LOLCats are always an appropriate gift.) O=)

Cheers,

E