"Super" Tuesday

Was there ever any doubt?

Yes, folks, it’s “Super” Tuesday – as in “Today we don’t vote between a turd sandwich and a giant douche. We vote between SEVERAL turd sandwiches and giant douches. Super! Oh yeah, and it's Tuesday.”

Giant Douche all the way!

Does anyone else find it ironic that this falls on the day before Lent starts?

So, I’ve thought long and hard about who I’m going to vote for. But, in the end it doesn’t matter because I moved recently, and was unable to re-register at the new address in time for the Primaries. Poop.

Oh well, I’ll be there for the general elections.

As for the remaining candidates, I’ve made my picks for the ones I like for each party.

REPUBLICAN: RON PAUL

PROS: I know a lot of people have pretty much written off Ron Paul due to the Mainstream Media’s all but complete lack of coverage of him. But, Ron Paul is the only Republican that’s actually a Republican – you know, smaller government, more personal responsibility, fewer taxes, and less international interference?

Sounds pretty nice, right? But, I know a lot of you are saying, “That’s not a Republican!”

Actually, it’s what a Republican was up until Bush I came into office. (I don’t like Reagan, but at least he was somewhat more adherent to traditional Republican viewpoints before Bush I and crew went off on a total NeoCon tangent.)

Do yourself a favor and go to RonPaul2008.com, and just look at what his viewpoints are and what he wants to do if elected to office. I really believe that if people took the time to look into what his action plans are, and the future he wants to bring to America, he’d be way ahead in the polls.

If nothing else, this man loves our country, loves the ideals it was founded upon, and he embodies a passion for the TRUE America that so many of us have either forgotten, or are too young to have ever experienced.

CONS: The only bad thing I’ve heard anyone have to say about Ron Paul is some reporter accused him of saying something racist back a few decades ago. That actually really disturbed me for a bit.

However, then the President of the Austin Chapter of the NAACP came right out and said, “Ron Paul is not a racist.” And, seeing how the NAACP is definitely not one to just give out “free passes” to people accused of saying something racist, I took this as a huge confirmation that what he was accused of was indeed false.

The only other “con” about Paul is that there has been such a purposeful blackout by the media on covering his campaign that most voters have no idea who Ron Paul is; and, those who THINK they do just think he’s a whack-job due to some of the grassroots tactics of his supporters.

I don’t think he’ll win – and it’s a shame, for the record. However, I really feel this is only the beginning of a revolution that Paul and his campaign have started. I’m so happy someone of his record, integrity, and views is running. And, I’m even more happy to see how huge the response has been from the American Public.


DEMOCRAT: Barack Obama

PROS: I’m not even going to lie – I REALLY like Obama. I like that he's fresh, young, and represents the new voices of America, instead of the tired ones on the way out (God willing).

People keep saying, "Oh, he doesn't have much experience." To them I say, "Who would you rather have in charge of your bank? Someone who has been assistant manager at a nearby branch for a year, or a professional thief of 35 years?"

See, it's not the number of years that counts -- it is the quality of those years. And in Barack Obama's time in the Senate, he's done more for human rights, justice, and to be a voice for America's voiceless than Hilary Clinton has in her entire "35 Years" in office.

Obama has youth, spirit, passion, and a vision. Many people compare him to Bobby Kennedy, and I definitely can see why. He definitely is the face and the voice of the next generation of Americans.

CONS: The only issue I have with Barack Obama is I don't feel like I really know enough about specifically HOW he is going to produce the results that he is speaking about in his campaign.

That is my one fear with him -- that he'll bring about so much hope for the future, and then not have a strategy to make our goals a reality.

However, I do have confidence in him. Looking at what he's done in his short time in the Senate, I believe his character is strong, and that he could lead this country to greatness once again.


SPECIAL E RANKING OF CANDIDATES

Fuck CNN and their "Exit Polls". For one thing, how do we know they're not making "results" up? It's not like the voting machines are exactly reliable.

No, ladies and gents, instead I choose to create my own "graph".

I present to you...

PERCENTAGE OF CHANCE THAT I'LL MOVE TO CANADA IF THIS CANDIDATE WINS THE 2008 ELECTIONS

1. Mitt Romney (99.9%) --> God help us.
2. Hilary Clinton (95%) --> Even a bigger "God help us", because I'm predicting she'll take the whole thing.
3. John McCain (80%) --> 20% off in the event that he grows a pair and quits being the official "Salad Tosser" for the Bush Administration
4. Mike Huckabee (50%) --> I think he's a genuine, good person, even though I disagree with almost all of his politics. At least if he was president I could trust him and know he was doing what he thinks is best for America -- even if it was what I know is worst.
5. Barack Obama (5%) --> Again, my only concern is that he's all talk and not enough action. I'm confident he's the real deal, though.
6. Ron Paul (5%) --> He gets a 5% rating in the rare event that he actually turns out to be crazy. Again, I'm confident he's the real deal.

Anyhoot, that's my assessment of the whole thing. I sure hope either Ron Paul or Barack Obama take the whole thing. However, I'm sure the Neo-Con shills that have been running this nation (into the ground) for the past 30+ years aren't going to give up without a fight.

I really don't want a Bush/Clinton dynasty. Do you? No seriously, do you? I actually have some friends that do (mainly on the Clinton side, but there are a few die-hard Bushies out there that make me question why I am still friends with them).

Happy Voting!

Cheers,

E

Team of Desti -- NOT!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

*breathe*

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Well, look at what we have here! The New York Giants are the Superbowl LXII Champions!

Eli Manning is still a total douche, but Michael Strahan's my man. You can put on Mary J. Blige's sequined dress and heels and burst into "Just Fine", and I still don't give a dang. Any man who sacks Tom Brady like this gets my full support:




And look at what else we have here: Bill Belichick being a sore loser! Surprise, surprise. Looks like he's got a lot of thinking to do while (hopefully) washing that grubby ass, disgusting, shredded rag of a sweatshirt he wears.

Am I wrong, or am I right here, folks?

Ladies and gents, I am the very definition of schadenfreude today. >=)P

Cheers,

E

Random Thoughts on a Friday Night

Friday was a really busy day for me, so I didn't post a blog. I know, I suck.

But, even though I was at home at the 'rents house alone on a Friday night (a rare occassion, just for the record), I couldn't bring myself to post a blog. I was having some deep thoughts.

By "deep" I mean just the standard, run-of-the-mill random, crazy crap that inevitably floats through my mind.

So, around 1AM I decided to just write down some of the random thoughts that came to mind. I choose to share them here because:

A.) They're amusing to me;
B.) I have a feeling they'll be amusing to you; and,
C.) I don't have any better blog ideas this morning, and I'm going to lunch Ichi-Ban and shopping with the gals in a couple of hours.

Enjoy!

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON A FRIDAY NIGHT

One thing I hate more than anything in this world is sausage. Who the hell thought up sausage?! I’d hate to be part of that mental conversation:

“Hey self, you know what would be a great idea? How about we get a penis shaped sack of dried intestine skin, fill it with all of the leftover body parts of animals (and maybe a bit of their hair and feces), and sell it to people sealed in a bag of its own fermenting juices in packs of 8, while selling the necessary buns in packs of 10!”

There’s nothing wrong with the above thinking. It’s called a hot dog. But, then they had to go and add all of those funky spices and ruin a perfectly good thing. Who fucked that up? I’m looking at you GERMANY.

For the record, I’m a vegetarian.

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I don’t understand why it takes my bank 3-5 days to process a payment I make from my checking account there to my credit card account there. What’s going on in there? How much time does it take money from you and give it to yourself? My best time was 2 seconds.

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I really like puppets. I don’t know why. I think it’s because when they talk, they look like me.

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I really hate clowns. Who laughs at clowns? You know who laughs at clowns? No one – because clowns aren’t funny.

Who thought the concept of clowns would be funny? How’d that thought process go?

“Hey, I’ve got an idea to make people laugh! First, I’m going to put creepy make-up on my face that makes “Buffalo Bill” from Silence of the Lambs look like a kindergarten teacher.

“Then, I’m going to blow up balloons and twist them into knots to make them look vaguely like objects – mainly genitalia.

“Then, I’m going to put on some shoes that are way too big for me, rainbow suspenders, and a bright red afro wig, which will look great against my hospital white, painted face.

“Finally, I’m not going to talk, but instead make largely exaggerated faces and movements. Surely, that will give people the chuckles – especially little children who are right in the midst of the years when they’ll be forming all of the phobias that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.”

WRONG. The only time people laugh at clowns is when they get hurt and it’s clearly not part of the act. Stick that in your balloon and blow it.

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I never think about hypothetical questions hard enough. I was asked once if I could do one thing, and knew I wouldn’t fail at it, what would I do.

My immediate answer was, “Steal a penguin from Sea World and keep it as my pet.” Then I thought about for more than 3 seconds, and I was like, “Ah man! I mean bring about world peace!”

But, it was too late. I was already stuck with a confused penguin wondering how it got in my bathtub for my one lasting accomplishment in this world – hypothetically.

For the record though, it was totally worth it.



Cheers,

E

Do You "Get It"?

It has become more and more clear to me that in this world there are two types of people -- people who "get it", and people who don't.

If you just asked yourself, "Get what? What is the 'It' that I'm supposed to get?", that's a really good sign that you don't "get it".

Almost all of my friends "get it". There are a few who don't, but all of my really close friends "get it". It doesn't mean I don't like people who don't "get it". It just means that they are inferior.

If you were insulted by that last comment, clearly you don't "get it". I'm being sarcastic... sort of.

One of my friends who REALLY "gets it" is Christine. It's not something she learned, as you can't learn how to "get it" from books, or school, or even life experience. She just has an extremely high "getting it" aptitude.

Here's a perfect example. Christine and I understand that drawing hats on pictures of birds is hilarious. Therefore, we can send the following to one another...


(Christine's)


(Mine)

... and we both get it. This is highly amusing to the two of us. If you're laughing at this, you're set.

Another one of my friends with a high "getting it" aptitude is Ricky. Just yesterday he sent me the following link: http://theendofhumor.blogspot.com/.

If you're not laughing at this point, I'm not quite sure why you're still reading.

Here's an easy test for if you get it or not:

If you are laughing your ass off at the above picture, then congratulations! You "get it". If not, resign yourself to enjoying Jay Leno. It's not a completely horrible fate... just mostly horrible.

I saw a comedy special this weekend that was truly amazing. Now, granted, I was quite "unsober" (and I'll leave it at that), but I'm wondering if it's still as funny now that I'm back in this galaxy.

Anyway, the comic was Daniel Tosh, and it was pretty much the most hilarious, awesome show I've seen in years. Seriously. This dude has a genius level IQ in the "getting it" type of intelligence. I'm going to watch his clips on his MySpace right now, and see if he's nearly as funny not totally baked. I'll let you know.

Yes, I know that might seem to some like an odd way to end a blog. If you think that, then you don't "get it".

Cheers,

E

Can I Ask a Question?

When is the right time to tell one of your customers to “fuck off and die”?

See, I’ve been dealing with this company that shall remain nameless (for the time being) because they are an investor in the company I work for. Since they are a major distributor, we not only have deal with their dumb asses, but we also have to deal with their clients’ even dumber asses.

Now, I’ve worked in Sales and Customer Service all of my working career now. I’ve met some pretty big douches in this world via these positions, and it’s been rare that I’ve even ever told a customer flat out that they’re wrong or that I can’t do something for them.

I’m pretty darn tempted to not only do so with this friggin’ a-hole, but to tell him that I hope he gets molested by a rabid orangutan.

Among his many offenses:

1. Asking me the same question a fourth time when I had already answered it THREE TIMES BEFORE, and the answer was there three times in the preceding e-mail body when he asked it the fourth time;
2. Placing a piddly order of approximately $15K and thinking we’re available at his beckon call 24/7;
3. Demanding samples be sent down to him “overnight” to Peru (Time Zones, anyone? Concept of how fast a plane travels and how big the world is, anyone? I told our Production Coordinator to include a globe with the samples.);
4. Demanding high resolution photos of products we’re sending to him for a magazine ad, then not having any software to view such print resolution quality photos;
5. Calling us “Team” in every e-mail. (We are NOT your team.)

The last straw for me was when I was purposely ignoring this moron (he’s from Peru, so I’ll call him “Idiot Peru Douche”; IPD for short), and he called my office phone incessantly. Every five minutes, I see some weird, Peruvian telephone number showing up on the Caller ID. (I’ve never been so grateful for it before this day.)

He then has the balls to e-mail me and say, “Do you have a cellphone number where I can reach you? I am trying with your office but have not been successful…Tks”

*blood reaches boiling point*

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me? You have a stupid ass question that I have already done everything I can do to answer and solve on your behalf (since you’re too stupid to do so yourself), and now you want to call my personal cell phone during my off-hours from PERU?!

This dude better hope I choose to do my Amazonian rainforest adventures in Brazil or Ecuador. Otherwise, I might have to make a brief stop-over in Lima to “do some business” of my own… Tony Montana style.

And, anyone who is too lazy to spell out the word “Thanks” deserves to drown in a vat of their own boiling stomach acid.

IPD, would you kindly,

FUCK OFF AND DIE!

Cheers,

E

(Quite Possibly) "The Freakiest Thing I've EVER Seen!"

I’ve seen some pretty crazy ish in my day. Not in person, of course, but via my love for craptastic television.

One great TV addiction I have is to the Discovery Health Channel. Have you guys seen some of the stuff on here? With show titles like, “The Half-Ton Man”, “Woman with Half a Body”, and “Pregnant for 37 Years”, I’m totally hooked. The human body is so flippin’ weird, and no matter how much we learn about it, we’re still so completely in the dark about what all goes on in our own bodies that it’s mind-boggling.

So, anyway, a friend sent me a link with the subject line: “Freakiest thing I have EVER seen”.

Now, I won’t reveal this person’s identity, just because he/she works at a very sensitive position. But, let me just give you a little background on him/her so you can understand my mindset when I read that subject line.

This person works at an AIDS clinic. His/her job, among other things, is counseling people who have been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS, and looking up & contacting their recent sexual partners so that he/she can let them know that someone they slept with has just been diagnosed with HIV.

So, when this person sends me something with the subject line “Freakiest thing I have EVER seen”, my initial reaction is, “Man, this has got to be some F-ed up ish right here.”

Oh man, was it ever.

Ladies and gentleman… how do I even introduce this clip? I’ve tried to find the words to delicately lay the situation out in front of you, dear readers. But, there really is no way to cushion this.

This man is turning into a tree.

You read that correctly – this clip is of “Half-Tree Man”. (Not to be confused with ManBearPig.)

I’m serious. The dude is growing roots from his hands and feet, and is growing “bark-like” lesions all over his body.

Hard to wrap your head around, huh? Well, take a look at the clip below to see what I’m talking about.

WARNING: This is potentially one of the most disturbing videos I have ever seen in my life. No one gets murdered or killed, and there’s no violence or rape. But, I highly encourage you to wait on viewing this if you have eaten within the hour or if you’re going to go to bed soon – or if you’re especially squeamish. Trust me – I watched this before bed last night and I couldn’t fall asleep for 2+ hours partially because I was so disturbed by this man’s condition.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.



Now, at first I debated even posting this because, obviously, the man’s condition is so severe that you can’t really joke about it. I mean, every time I see this, I have an uncontrollable urge to scratch my face and head.

However, there is not just good news for “Half-Tree Man” – there is great news!

The doctors who went to visit him in this documentary were able to diagnose his condition. It turns out all of these appendages are caused by HPV (Human Papillomaviruses), and were exacerbated by the fact that due to a genetic defect, the man (Dede) has almost no immune system. So, basically, the warts that come with HPV were allowed to run rampant by his body, and this is what resulted.

Even better news is it is easily treated. The doctors will give him synthetic Vitamin A to stop and shrink all of the wart growth. Once these lesions stop growing, they will fall off, and the more stubborn ones can be frozen and cut off.

While he’ll be permanently disfigured, at least he will regain movement of his hands and feet, and be able to live a normal life again. (Or, at least more normal than being a Half-Tree Man and having to appear in “Freak Shows” to support himself. Poor thing, God bless his heart.)

YEAH!!!!!!

And, on that note, I do have to say one smart ass thing about this since I know he's going to get better…

They mention that Dede’s wife abandoned him in the documentary. Now, normally I think it’s a horrible thing for a woman (or man) to do to abandon their spouse due to illness, or even if something horrible happens like they’re completely paralyzed from the neck down, or have their faces burnt off in a fire.

But, I can’t say a dang thing about Dede’s wife.

See, when you take those marriage vows, you say “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness in health, ‘til death do you part, for as long as you both shall live, etc., et al.”

But, you take those vows as a human being marrying another human being. I think all bets are off if they turn into another species. I’m sorry, but there’s “for better”, and then there’s “for worse”, and then there’s “for turning into a frickin’ tree”.

Once your spouse starts turning into a tree (and not in the good way, either), I say all bets are off.

That being said, I would still stay with the Scootz even if he started turning into a Half-Tree Man. First of all, I’m a tree-hugging, hippie, liberal douche; so, it’s not like I would really be changing my lifestyle all that much.

Second of all, I’m super loyal – to a fault even. I still support and love people, even though I know they’re vile douches deep down in my heart. I won’t name names, but if you’re reading this, you’re probably not one of them. =)

Third of all, and most important, Scootz is indeed my soul mate, the love of my life, and no matter what happened to him physically, I would stick by him. =) Ah dang it, that was totally a subconscious pun, wasn't it? Half-tree man... "stick" by him?

It's a curse, I tell you.

Anywho, back to the whole "Sticking-with-Scott-even-if-He-Turned-into-a-Half-Tree-Man" thing: I told him, there’s only two things that would make me leave him – a cheatin’ or a beatin’. So, as long as I didn’t find him with some other leafy tree skank, or he didn’t smack me upside the head with one of his root systems, we’d be all good.

So, Happy One and a Half Year Anniversary, babes! I dedicate my Half-Tree Man blog to you on this special day. No, no… you don’t need to say a word. I love you, too. O=)

Cheers,

E

New Lows in Television

You KNOW if I’m typing those words that there has to be some serious crap out there.

So, I’m sitting on my ass watching TV on Saturday morning because, dang it, I’m a tax-paying, law-abiding American, and that’s what I choose to do. Don’t judge.

Anywho, I’m flipping through the channels of truly abysmal Saturday morning television, and lo and behold, I stumble upon the commercial that I believe summarizes the severity of this whole writers’ strike…

http://www.aetv.com/parking-wars/

Nope, this is no joke. A&E has come up with the truly brilliant idea of doing a reality TV show about PHILADELPHIA PARKING METER ATTENDANTS.

*cricket chirps*

Exactly.

So, because the instant I saw the commercial, I knew I was going to have to do a blog about this total pile of crap, I went ahead and watched a few minutes of it.

Wow. I haven’t been this enthralled since I watched my neighbor mow his lawn.

Basically, you follow these meter maids around, who are WAY nicer than any real meter maid that I’ve ever encountered. I am 100% certain these bitches are putting on an act for the camera, because as long as I’ve lived, I have never seen any meter maid let someone out of a parking ticket. They are far more tight-assed than even the Highway Patrol.

Anyway, so there was this scene where this not ugly, but certainly not hot meter maid lets this pretty darn good looking guy out of a ticket because a parking meter is broken. (Riveting television, I know.)

So, they interview this dude afterwards, and he’s saying, “Wow, she’s the nicest meter lady I’ve ever met. And, she was hot, too. I’m not gonna lie – she was sexy.” Allow me to post a picture of this “sexy” woman:



Now, here’s my thing: she’s not an ugly woman. But, to call this woman “hot” and “sexy” is just out and out bullshit – unless you have a meter maid fetish (which I’m sure is not unheard of. If there are people out there who like to get shit on during sex, I have no problem believing there are people out there with meter maid fetishes).

My whole point with this show is that it just emphasizes how sad the state of television is. Have we gotten to the point that we’d rather watch meter maids working than go outside and do something – anything? For the love of crimeny, give those writers their dues and get them back in the office! Shows about meter maids? In PHILADELPHIA of all places? You can’t even do it in some place interesting like San Francisco? At least then you’d see some real characters. Philadelphia is just too normal for any reality TV programming. (I think that’s the biggest compliment the City of Philadelphia has ever received.)

Anyway, if you want to feel a deep sense of shame for wasting 30 minutes of your life on such inane garbage, new episodes of “Parking Wars” are on A&E at 10:00PM EST, 9:00PM CST, and they play reruns throughout the week (especially since “Dog the Bounty Hunter” had to be a total douche and open his big, fat trap using the N-word. I’m still so frickin’ pissed off at that. Dang it, fellow whiteys, you can’t use that word – EVER! When are some of you gonna learn?! GAH!!!!!!!! HULK SMASH!!!!!)

Sorry, total side rant.

Again, I implore the Hollywood “Big Wigs” to just suck it up and give the writers their fair share. All you have to do is look at the current crop of programming to know that, ultimately, you’re in the wrong here.

If I’m going to waste hours of my life in front of the TV, I at least want it to be with quality programming… yes, I know that’s an oxymoron, me saying I want “quality” television. “Craptastic” is a quality.

Cheers,

E

To Post or Not to Post?

So, I wrote this really deep blog... well, at least in my opinion it's pretty deep. I was all ready to post it when I thought to myself, "Do I really want to do that?"

You see, my position at work has an unofficial "24 Hour Rule". That is, if someone does something to royally piss me off, it's highly advised that you write everything down, save it, and check it in 24 hours to see if it makes sense, or if it's just a raving, insulting, sarcastic piece of garbage that will unleash a e-mail chain of bitterness and hatred throughout the office.

Well, while I don't think this post will do that, I'm still applying the 24 hour rule to it. It deals with the topic of forgiveness. I was dealing with some serious emotions that got stirred up in me this morning.

But, after reading through the blog a couple of times, I don't know if I'm ready to post it. Heck, I don't even know if it makes all that much sense.

So, instead I'm posting a blog about whether or not I should post a blog. Yup, this is what my life has come to.

On a completely different subject, after reading Mr. Ron Mexico's commentary on "Celebrity Rehab" on VH1, I decided to give it a shot.

"Riveting" doesn't even begin to cover this show.

Most of you know about my exceptionally shitty taste in television. While this show is filled with trainwrecks, it's actually really GOOD trainwreck TV. (Yes, there is such a thing.) You really feel for all of these celebrities. You find yourself rooting for them... and also thinking that Dr. Drew should be up for sainthood when he leaves this earth.

Anyway, the weekend is almost here, and I'm very glad for it. I did my first "week-long" blogging. I think I'll try and keep up the pace.

And, as a parting gift for sticking with me all this week, I offer you an end-of-the-week collection of "gems" that I found as of late...

And I yours, Empathy Bear. And I yours...

There's a whole fleet of these assholes around the area where I work.

FACT.

and just for the hell of it...

Cheers,

E

One of a Bajillion Ways that YouTube Has Changed My Life

So, when I first heard of YouTube, I knew it was going to be huge. A medium for American teenagers to act like ass-hats and have people pay attention to them? Where do I invest my life savings?!

Little did I know it would actually provide me with some of the sweetest, happiest surprises when I stumbled upon this semi-underground, Classic Sesame Street clips group.

I can’t tell you how many comments I’ve seen on these videos with people saying how much finding an old piece of their childhood meant to them. People swear to be weeping with joy over finding something as silly as a clip of their favorite Ernie & Bert skit.

It’s such a cool community, and I’m really looking forward to adding some of my own material to it. I have several old episodes still on VHS. All I need is my Dad’s help in converting them to DVD format, then I can work on them myself with my handy dandy latest version of Adobe Premiere Pro. (BOO-yah!)

That being said, there are some TRIPPY ASS skits from the old Sesame Street episodes! (They stopped showing all pre-1990’s content in 1992. I’ve heard different stories as to why, but I digress.)

Seriously, do you all remember any of these? I remember watching them back then with such innocence. But, now that I’m older… well, I hate to corrupt idyllic childhood memories, but these animators & muppeters had to be seriously baked while creating a number of these sketches.

Here are a few of my personal, psychedelic favorites below:

Indian Raga 20

Jazzy Spies #2

And, my absolute personal favorite one for no other reason that this is pretty much an exact replica of how my brain operates. (Visualizing Shapes)

No joke – I laughed out loud repeatedly during that last one. That’s exactly what it’s like inside my head ALL DAY LONG.

(I know, I scare myself, too, sometimes.)

No wonder I grew up to be such a hippie! Can I go work for Sesame Street? Clearly they’ve got some of that legendary, Amsterdam-grown sticky icky over there. Hell, they can pay me in that – smoke some, supplement my income with the rest.

Seriously, I could watch this ish all day. Do your inner child a favor, and visit these people’s YouTube channels. I personally guarantee you at least 15 minutes of pure, unadulterated joy:

ISNorden

MStatz

Wattamack4

Cheers,

E

PS: Just because it’s such a classic… =)

Online Gem (Jan. 23, 2008)

So, this is a new section I’d like to introduce. You see, I’m a nerd. And, being a nerd, I love searching the Internet for random amusements.

Every now and again, I come across a true “online gem” – something so weird, amusing, or depressing that I just have to share it with others.
Today, I would like to introduce my very first posted online gem: www.despair.com.

Despair.com is a site that specializes in bitter, depressing, “demotivational” gifts for your pessimistic and/or dark-humored loved ones. My favorite items on their site are the Demotivators®.

You know those stupid, sappy, “inspirational” posters that people in middle management always have plastered on their walls, right above their pictures of them being all “buddy buddy” with some congressman currently under investigation for embezzlement, sexual harassment, or child porn?

Well, Demotivators® are the realist’s answer to $19.95 inspiration.

Here are a few of my personal favorites:

And, of course...

Here’s the direct link to their Demotivators® line: http://www.despair.com/viewall.html

AND NOW, FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

In other news, if you’re a lazy fat ass at my gym who’s only going for the month of January for a New Year’s resolution that you have no intention of following through with, can you please go the fuck home now and not come back?

Don’t get me wrong – if you’re actually going to stick with the program and get in shape, then by all means stay. Heck, I’ll even help spot you and/or chat with you about Deal or No Deal while on the elliptical. Watching your progress from my treadmill spot is inspiring to me.

But, if all you’re going to do is dick around by the water fountain filling up three bottles during the kickboxing class’s 5 minute water break, or walk at a 1.5 mph speed on the treadmill, or use up your “3 free sessions with a personal trainer” by taking up valuable parking space and then half-assing your way through all of the exercises, then get the hell out of my gym. I’m cranky, I need parking, and the last thing I want to do is to fight juiced-up, tiny-peckered ‘roid ragers for the next free treadmill.

Man, I can’t wait ‘til February.

And, on that happy note, allow me to leave you with a lovely sentiment from Despair.com:

Cheers,

E