I have some really random thoughts at times. Sometimes I wish I could tape record what goes on in my head so I could play it back to people.
… I think I just proved my point above.
Anywho, I do have a lot of random, crazy thoughts, but most of them are really frickin' funny. I should be a stand-up comedian, except that I don't like being broke and constantly away from home and loved ones. Other than that, though, it sounds like a fantastic lifestyle.
So, I think I'm going to start doing a "Random Thoughts" blog series. We'll see how often I do it. Work has been crazy, and doesn't allow me much time to write, which as frustrating as it gets sometimes is overall a good thing. If I'm busting my ass all of the time, it means we're still doing tons of business in tough times. That also means I'm an integral part of the company, and therefore have job security.
At least that's what I tell myself halfway down the vodka bottle.
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I really think they need to come up with a new name for "Alcoholics Anonymous". I know no fewer than 5 people who have been through AA – that's not very anonymous if you ask me. Of course, they were all drunk when they told me, but still…
I think the new name of AA should be "Alcoholics Who Have Finally Done Something So Socially Reprehensible that People Have Actually Taken Time Away from their Daily Lives, Gotten Together in a Room, and Told Them to Quit Humping the Dog's Leg and Get Some Help Because Nana Made You Swear Before She Died that You'd Get Clean and You Still Haven't; and, Nana Can Still See You in Heaven, Especially When You Masturbate".
Granted, it doesn't fit on a Post-it note as nicely, but it's a whole heck of a lot more accurate.
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I had to call a UK Cell phone for business the other day. Man, oh man – even their cell phone auto-responses sound classy.
Obviously, they have the lovely sounding British woman guiding you through the voicemail process. But, after you're done leaving your message and you press the sign, the lady says, "If you would like to DEPOSIT your message, please press 1 at any time."
Deposit! So much more elegant than, "To leave your message, press 1."
Yes, I notice this sort of crap.
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The last 142 received calls in my cell phone are from my boss. I think that's a bad thing, right?
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TRUE STORY: When I was about eight years old, someone asked me what the best thing about being an only child was. My answer? "I get everything in the will!"
I wish I could go back and spend one day with my childhood self. I was fucking awesome.
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I never realized how posh my high school was until after I graduated. I think the moment of realization was when I was telling some friends that we had enough interested people to warrant both a junior high and a high school equestrian team, and you had to own your own horse to be part of either team.
That look on your face right now? Oh, believe me, I know it.
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I'm not like other girls. I have a penis.
AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! No worries, I have people who can vouch from firsthand accounts that I'm just being an ass.
I have considered using that line before in the club, though… or on a really miserable first date. I'm just a jerk like that.
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When I was in some lame ass class in college, we had to do some of those painfully insipid "icebreaker" questions. Various questions were being asked, but the most ridiculous one of them all was, "What vegetable do you think you're most like?"
I so desperately wanted that douche of a professor to ask me that one, so I could respond, "A potato – I make a fantastic vodka if left alone in a dark room for several weeks, and if you cut out one of my eyes and planted it you'd grow a whole new crop of me."
Alas, it was never meant to be. Instead I just confessed that my favorite color is purple and I'd be an eagle. That's not even what I would really be; I was just depressed at any sort of smart assery going to waste...
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I don't know why kosher dill pickles are so much better than the gentile ones, but man they sure are!
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TRUE STORY: When you're at a bridal shower, and you're playing the "How well do you know the Bride & Groom" game, and you get to the question about what their favorite foods are, don't be a smart ass and guess, "Kittens and Tears of Orphans". The vast majority of people will not find it nearly as funny as you did.
Trust me on that one.
Cheers,
E
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