Can I Ask a Question?

When is the right time to tell one of your customers to “fuck off and die”?

See, I’ve been dealing with this company that shall remain nameless (for the time being) because they are an investor in the company I work for. Since they are a major distributor, we not only have deal with their dumb asses, but we also have to deal with their clients’ even dumber asses.

Now, I’ve worked in Sales and Customer Service all of my working career now. I’ve met some pretty big douches in this world via these positions, and it’s been rare that I’ve even ever told a customer flat out that they’re wrong or that I can’t do something for them.

I’m pretty darn tempted to not only do so with this friggin’ a-hole, but to tell him that I hope he gets molested by a rabid orangutan.

Among his many offenses:

1. Asking me the same question a fourth time when I had already answered it THREE TIMES BEFORE, and the answer was there three times in the preceding e-mail body when he asked it the fourth time;
2. Placing a piddly order of approximately $15K and thinking we’re available at his beckon call 24/7;
3. Demanding samples be sent down to him “overnight” to Peru (Time Zones, anyone? Concept of how fast a plane travels and how big the world is, anyone? I told our Production Coordinator to include a globe with the samples.);
4. Demanding high resolution photos of products we’re sending to him for a magazine ad, then not having any software to view such print resolution quality photos;
5. Calling us “Team” in every e-mail. (We are NOT your team.)

The last straw for me was when I was purposely ignoring this moron (he’s from Peru, so I’ll call him “Idiot Peru Douche”; IPD for short), and he called my office phone incessantly. Every five minutes, I see some weird, Peruvian telephone number showing up on the Caller ID. (I’ve never been so grateful for it before this day.)

He then has the balls to e-mail me and say, “Do you have a cellphone number where I can reach you? I am trying with your office but have not been successful…Tks”

*blood reaches boiling point*

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me? You have a stupid ass question that I have already done everything I can do to answer and solve on your behalf (since you’re too stupid to do so yourself), and now you want to call my personal cell phone during my off-hours from PERU?!

This dude better hope I choose to do my Amazonian rainforest adventures in Brazil or Ecuador. Otherwise, I might have to make a brief stop-over in Lima to “do some business” of my own… Tony Montana style.

And, anyone who is too lazy to spell out the word “Thanks” deserves to drown in a vat of their own boiling stomach acid.

IPD, would you kindly,

FUCK OFF AND DIE!

Cheers,

E

Can I Ask a Question?

Is the name “Elizabeth” REALLY that hard to spell?

Now, I’ve come to terms with the fact that, apparently, the name “Elizabeth” is too long. Every time I tell people my name is Elizabeth, they say, “Do you like to be called “Liz” or “Beth”?”

Well, last time I checked, I liked to be called by my NAME, which is Elizabeth. (NOTE: If you’ve been referring to me as “Liz” previous to 2002, you get a free pass. I know I drilled it in to you back then, and the fact that I’ve now decided to stop being a bratty teenager has no bearing on your ability to call me by another name. I understand.)

Anywho, back to my question. You see, I go to the Starbucks down the road from my office almost every work day. I like it. I like the people who work there. They know me, and they like me.

However, they don’t know how to spell my name… like, AT ALL.

For those unfamiliar with how Starbucks operates, first of all, welcome to the developed world! Glad you’re here! I know it can be tough getting out of a place like North Korea, The Democratic Republic of Congo, or Nebraska.

Second of all, normally when you walk into a Starbucks, it’s packed. So, they take your name down, and print it out onto the label (along with your specific drink order) that they stick onto the cup that will hold your drink.

Now, I know “spelling” ranks pretty darn low on the list of priorities amidst the American people. After all:

A.) English is quite possibly the most difficult language to spell in, because there are pretty much zero rules involved; and,
B.) We have spell check now.

However, I’m thinking with a name like “Elizabeth”, it’s probably something that the AVERAGE American can spell, since it’s been one of the Top 20 Female names since this country was founded.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Allow me to regale you with some choice spellings of my name by the people at my local Starbucks:

1. Elizabet
2. Lizabet
3. Lizabeth
4. Elizab
5. Elisabeth (acceptable if this lady was French, but she wasn’t)
6. Elizibeth
7. Illizibeth (That’s actually my personal favorite – it’s going to be my rap name.)
8. Lisbeth

Out of the (literally) hundreds of times I’ve gone to this Starbucks, they’ve probably spelled my name correctly twice. (That’s how I know it’s not just a system thing where they can only enter so many characters into the register’s name field.)

I know I stutter and slur my words a lot (shut up, it’s a speech impediment… most of the time), but are people really not understanding that my name is “Elizabeth”?

Again, I really like my peeps down at the local Starbucks. But, not being able to spell “Elizabeth” correctly? I’ll bet if my name was “MacKenzie” they’d get it right.

By the way, if you name your child “MacKenzie”, I really don’t need to know you. That’s the most God-awful name for a female child on the planet, and everyone and their Mom is naming their kids that now.

But that’s a whole other rant for a whole other time.

Cheers,

E (Since, apparently, most people can’t spell my full name)

PS: Yes, I know I didn't blog at all during October. I went out of the country, and when I came back my new home city was on fire. I'll be back in full effect for November, je te promis.

Can I Ask a Question?

On what sick, demented planet is THIS:

… considered fat?!?!

I would give my theoretical left nut to have legs and an ass like Britney’s here.

Let’s get this straight: Yes, Britney’s “comeback” opener was a joke. But, for any of you who actually managed to make it through the entire show, was there anything at the VMA’s that was NOT a completely abysmal joke? Damn, at least Britney’s “joke” made me smile a bit. That’s a helluva lot more than Sarah Silverman’s entire act did.

Secondly, yes, Britney is heavier than she was at 21. Women of the world, raise your hand if you DON’T weigh at least 10 lbs. more than you did at 21. *cricket chirps* Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Thirdly, this woman had TWO kids within TWO years. If I have two kids and my body looks like hers, I’m going to pick my kids up from school in the same dang outfit she wore for the show. Hellz yes, I am!

See, here’s my issue with the whole “Britney Bombed” backlash – fat asses calling Britney fat.

If Britney is what counts as “fat” today, then I’m officially going to end my life by eating myself to death with In ‘N Out grilled cheeses. (Hot dang, those are good.)

If people want to hate on her extensions, I’ll have to agree. If they want to say her performance was awful, I’ll be nodding my head. If they want to say that she looked like she wasn’t completely there, and half-assed her way through the entire show, I’m going to stand on my chair and scream, “TESTIFY!”

But, by no means do any of these reporters have any right to call Britney fat. I guarantee you the VAST majority of people calling Britney “fat” are truly fat (or at least flabby) themselves.

Besides, I’ve heard major buzz from several different outlets that people like the song. (I’m talking like I actually have some industry connections – I don’t.) People love a “come-from-behind” story. (I’m so not going to even go there with the puns on that one… though I want to so bad!)

I do think there are still a lot of people rooting for Britney, myself included. She can still make a comeback. That just wasn’t it.

But, there’s no need to rub extra salt into some already pretty flippin’ salty wounds. She’s not fat, and people who say she is are emphasizing everything that is wrong with the perception of women in Hollywood. Seriously guys, if you had to (and all previous medical & mental history aside), would you rather bang this:

Or this:

I rest my case.

Cheers,

E