New Lows in Television

You KNOW if I’m typing those words that there has to be some serious crap out there.

So, I’m sitting on my ass watching TV on Saturday morning because, dang it, I’m a tax-paying, law-abiding American, and that’s what I choose to do. Don’t judge.

Anywho, I’m flipping through the channels of truly abysmal Saturday morning television, and lo and behold, I stumble upon the commercial that I believe summarizes the severity of this whole writers’ strike…

http://www.aetv.com/parking-wars/

Nope, this is no joke. A&E has come up with the truly brilliant idea of doing a reality TV show about PHILADELPHIA PARKING METER ATTENDANTS.

*cricket chirps*

Exactly.

So, because the instant I saw the commercial, I knew I was going to have to do a blog about this total pile of crap, I went ahead and watched a few minutes of it.

Wow. I haven’t been this enthralled since I watched my neighbor mow his lawn.

Basically, you follow these meter maids around, who are WAY nicer than any real meter maid that I’ve ever encountered. I am 100% certain these bitches are putting on an act for the camera, because as long as I’ve lived, I have never seen any meter maid let someone out of a parking ticket. They are far more tight-assed than even the Highway Patrol.

Anyway, so there was this scene where this not ugly, but certainly not hot meter maid lets this pretty darn good looking guy out of a ticket because a parking meter is broken. (Riveting television, I know.)

So, they interview this dude afterwards, and he’s saying, “Wow, she’s the nicest meter lady I’ve ever met. And, she was hot, too. I’m not gonna lie – she was sexy.” Allow me to post a picture of this “sexy” woman:



Now, here’s my thing: she’s not an ugly woman. But, to call this woman “hot” and “sexy” is just out and out bullshit – unless you have a meter maid fetish (which I’m sure is not unheard of. If there are people out there who like to get shit on during sex, I have no problem believing there are people out there with meter maid fetishes).

My whole point with this show is that it just emphasizes how sad the state of television is. Have we gotten to the point that we’d rather watch meter maids working than go outside and do something – anything? For the love of crimeny, give those writers their dues and get them back in the office! Shows about meter maids? In PHILADELPHIA of all places? You can’t even do it in some place interesting like San Francisco? At least then you’d see some real characters. Philadelphia is just too normal for any reality TV programming. (I think that’s the biggest compliment the City of Philadelphia has ever received.)

Anyway, if you want to feel a deep sense of shame for wasting 30 minutes of your life on such inane garbage, new episodes of “Parking Wars” are on A&E at 10:00PM EST, 9:00PM CST, and they play reruns throughout the week (especially since “Dog the Bounty Hunter” had to be a total douche and open his big, fat trap using the N-word. I’m still so frickin’ pissed off at that. Dang it, fellow whiteys, you can’t use that word – EVER! When are some of you gonna learn?! GAH!!!!!!!! HULK SMASH!!!!!)

Sorry, total side rant.

Again, I implore the Hollywood “Big Wigs” to just suck it up and give the writers their fair share. All you have to do is look at the current crop of programming to know that, ultimately, you’re in the wrong here.

If I’m going to waste hours of my life in front of the TV, I at least want it to be with quality programming… yes, I know that’s an oxymoron, me saying I want “quality” television. “Craptastic” is a quality.

Cheers,

E

Craptastic Television Review (Episode 3)

TODAY’S EPISODE: Rock of Love, Episode 9, “Vegas, Baby!”

I am sorely disappointed in VH1’s episode naming staff this week.

And, yes, I AM going to skip doing a review of Episode 8. I never got to see it. My girl, Sam, is gone, and it’s just as well. She’s far too good for Bret.

Why do I watch this show when I don’t even like the “main character”? I have no idea. There, are you happy?

Anywho, this episode starts with Heather showing off her retarded ass tattoo that she got last week. (Sorry, I know I did miss a lot by not doing the Episode 8 Review.) For those of you who only keep up with the show via my blog (which is all of you), on their one-on-one date last week, Bret took Heather to a tattoo parlor, and dared her to get a tattoo of his name on her. Narcissistic much?

She did. (Moron, much?)

So, Heather says, “I’m rockin’ the tattoo I got for MY MAN.”

1. He’s not your man. At best, he’s your “once in a while fuck buddy”.
2. 90% of people who get their significant others’ names tattooed on them end up breaking up within the next 6 months. You’re not even “significant others” – what does that say about your odds?

You were starting to actually grow on me, Heather. Now, you’ve gone and done something like this? You’re making Paris Hilton look like a Rhodes Scholar.

So, the Bret Mail comes, and it turns out that they’re all going to “Sin City” (AKA: Las Vegas) to watch him in concert and to spend a couple of nights out there with him.

Hmmm… two strippers, one psycho, one tough chick, and a bloated, ego-maniacal aging rock star in Vegas… did they approve the script for the sequel to “Showgirls” (the epitome of a craptastic movie)? I can’t wait!

So, they all go to Vegas, they talk about how awesome their room is at this place called “The Red Rock Inn”. (Off the Strip? *cough* cheap ass *cough*) Soon enough, the girls pair off into Jes & Brandi and Lacey & Heather – not for any challenge, mind you. They just pair up because they can’t stand the others.

Heather and Lacey end up taking a bubble bath together because… well, I’m not sure why. If you’re a dirty skank, how do you think you’re going to get yourself clean by bathing with another dirty skank? It just makes the water extra dirty and skanky! It’s like you’re doubling up!

Oh wait, now I get their reasoning.

I will say this… Heather looks SO infinitely better when she’s not skanked out. I mean, seriously guys, what would you be less afraid to stick your peckers into, this:

Or this:

You liars.

Anywho, Lacey and Heather talk about taking Brandi out, while Brandi talks to Jes about how they should ex Heather out by getting her really smashed. (FORESHADOWING MUSIC: Remember this plan later.)

Jes says in her interview: “I really don’t have a huge plan, but I know I don’t want to get completely wasted and make an ass of myself. I can let the other girls do that and I know that they will.”

THANK YOU! Someone remaining on this show isn’t a complete idiot.

That being said, I hope Bret doesn’t choose her (though I’m betting right now he will), because she’s way too good for him.

See, a sick part of me wants Bret to pick Lacey, solely because I really do think he’s a hypocritical, egomaniac of a douche – which is precisely what Lacey is. Why ruin two other people’s lives when it’s possible to make the dating pool a little less murky by taking these two out together?

Of course, that does leave horrific ramifications for the gene pool… *shudders*

OK, I promise I’m going to TRY and not blather on so much in this blog. I’m not promising I’ll succeed – I’m promising I’ll try.

So, they go to Bret’s concert, and they lick his nutsack in the interviews. “Oh my gosh, it was one of the best shows ever! He looked so hot. His singing was amazing, blah, blah, blah.”

LIES!!!!

It sucked ass. I wouldn’t go to that show if it were free. Heck, I wouldn’t go to that show if you paid me to be an extra (although apparently VH1 was successful enough with that to get around 200 concert goers to the venue. Seriously, folks, it was sad.)

After the show, all the girls (of course) try to grind up on Bret. He happily obliges for a few minutes, then says he has to get ready for dinner. He invites his three trollops (and Jes) to kick it for a bit with his “band” (not Poison, for the record).

Lacey and Brandi take this opportunity to get shit faced drunk the likes of which I have not seen when I puked on that married guy who was hitting on me in the VIP Room of RA. (Absolutely no regrets there; I just feel bad for the waitress who had to clean up.)

A drunken Lacey is pretty much exactly like a sober Lacey, except her words are a bit more slurred, and “the crazy” is a bit more laughable.

Just because my distaste for her is so great, allow me to post some pictures of the drunken skank sloshed off her rocker:

At this point Lacey starts harassing Brandi, who in her drunken stupor lets out a loud fart ON Lacey. (Good gosh, I love this show.) She then turns to a laughing Lacey, and says, “Get the fuck away from me. I just farted.”

OK, Brandi just officially won her way back into my heart.

Big John comes back in and tells the girls to come meet Bret for dinner. (He’s gotta keep that bloat up somehow, and the coke just ain’t gonna cut it!) Lacey starts running off at her drunken, non-functioning mouth. Big John becomes my hero of the minute when he yells at her, “Lacey, shut the fuck up and come on!” She then holds her hand up to have him help her up, and he leaves her in the cold.

So friggin’ awesome.

All right, so the girls somehow manage to make it to Bret’s suite, where Lacey and Brandi continue to make drunken, slutty asses out of myself, Lacey in particular.

Lacey climbs on the bar, and starts talking drunk talk at all of the girls – even her supposed “girl”, Heather. Lacey gets right in Jes’s face and says, “I think you all are fake.” Jes smirks and asks why. “Because… all fou wanna dew izzzzzz party,” she ironically slurs.

Then comes the best part of the episode thus far: Lacey falling on her drunken ass, nearly right off the bar. Can I get a clip of that?

Man, I could watch that all day.

LMAO! Look at Heather’s completely unfazed face! Man, if she hadn’t gotten that stupid tattoo, I might just actually like her. Ahhhh, what could have been…

Bret comes in the room, and is “pissed off” because he says, “The girls are drunk!” Well, Brandi and Lacey are, but Heather and Jes are still alive and well.

Lacey continues to act like such a fucking mess throughout dinner that Bret summons Big John to carry her back to her room.

Brandi, meanwhile, gets sicker and sicker. Heather (being the vindictive bitch that I begrudgingly like her for) finds out from Brandi that oysters make her nauseous. So, what does Heather do? Eat a shitload of oysters right next to Brandi.

(Passive-Aggressiveness, thy name is Heather.)

Of course, the expected finally happens with Brandi illustrating television’s first look at “the puke fountain”:

It looks even worse than it sounds.

Jes then (brilliantly) remarks: “Bret should have known that it was gonna be impossible to have a nice dinner with two drunk Froot Loops and a f***in’ hungry stripper!”

BRET MICHAELS: For Jes’s sake, don’t pick her.

Bret takes Brandi to the bathroom, where she confesses, in between heaves, “Bret, I love you, and for you I’ll let my guard down.”

Bret says this is one of the most touching moments of his life. I suddenly feel great pity for Bret Michaels… OK, it’s gone.

At this point, Bret is pissed that dinner is ruined. He decides to take Jes back to his room “for a nightcap” since she helped him to take care of Lacey and Brandi. Heather proceeds to clean house of the remaining food, making the butler pack up just about everything separately to take back to her room with her. (For the record, that’s exactly what I would do, too.)

BTW: Who the fuck uses the term “nightcap” anymore?! I’d have more respect for him, New York, and Flavor Flav if they just said what they meant: “Bitches, I’m gonna sample this particular piece of merchandise back in my room – doggy style. I’ll let you all back on my nuts in the morning.”

Yes, New York would say that, too. HBIC doesn’t take shit from a bunch of bitch ass, whiny boys!

The next morning, Bret says that they “We got to learn each other… um, both inside and out.”

EWWWWWW.

Jes then confirms, “I feel much closer to him physically… emotionally… and sexually.”

EWWWWWWWWW!!!!

Jes, you’re a good woman! Have some flippin’ respect for yourself! He’s already let no less than 10 different women play with his man meat over the course of the past three weeks. Where’s your dignity?!

Bret then sends Jes back to LA so that he can spend more time with Lacey, Heather, and Brandi.

We then pan to the Three Skankateers waking up. Brandi says to Heather that she knows Bret is not the man for her.

And, she thinks Lacey and Heather aren’t going to bring this up to Bret immediately because…

Bret meets the remaining hos by the pool. Upon seeing them, he states, “They’re looking torn up from the floor up.” (It’s “tore up from the floor up”, for the record, Bret.) He then adds, “Brandi looks like she’s been beat up.”

He takes each girl into a private cabana for massage time. Heather is first. She doesn’t rat on Brandi because she wants Brandi to do it herself. (Also, she doesn’t want to look like a snitch, and she knows Lacey will snitch anyway. Good call, Heather.)

Brandi comes in, and says she was having some doubts that she “wasn’t good enough for him.”

(Brandi, a boiled egg is too good for Bret Michaels. I know you’re a whore, but give yourself SOME credit.)

Bret assures her she IS good enough, and sends her back to the pool. When she returns, Heather asks her if she spoke to Bret about what she said earlier. She said, “Yeah.” And, her “yeah” clearly states, “Fuck no, bitches.”

Lacey is having none of that, and proceeds to blab to Bret about the whole episode with Brandi earlier that day. Bret calls her malicious and crazy to her face (finally), but admits there is something about Brandi that he doesn’t trust.

Later that night, he decides to take Lacey and Heather to dinner (opting to send the still aching Brandi home). It is here that the Lacey/Heather alliance comes crumbling down.

Bret tells Heather he doesn’t want to get hurt by her, and says that “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” was written about a stripper who broke his heart.

BOO FUCKING HOO, BRET!!!! What a load of bullshit if I ever heard it! No shit a stripper is not going to be faithful to you! And, you’re not going to be faithful to her either, because YOU HANG OUT WITH STRIPPERS ALL THE TIME! I feel ZERO sympathy for him on this one.

He then goes on to explain that he’s afraid of “pole emotions” with Heather. See, I thought he was talking about how sweet and friendly she is when he has those crisp fiddies, but once he’s run out of all his cash and he’s rummaging around for some rusty nickels, she’s back to going down on that Saudi sheik in the champagne room.

According to him, though, “Here’s the thing with Heather, and I call it, pole emotions, right? And by pole emotions, I mean, can I get her off that pole and get her onto my pole? It’s a big, big thought going through my mind right now.”

1. Ewww.
2. I think you’re giving your “pole” a little too much credit here. It’s definitely not a “big, big thought” from what’s going around in the groupie circles. (I know I wouldn’t know, but I love insulting an asshole’s manhood any chance I get.)

3. If you’re even close to being as wealthy as the show makes you out to be, you can get her off “the pole” and onto “your pole”. Hell, all it takes is some lukewarm onion rings, a double wide trailer, and a 6 pack of Coors Lite!

Ugh, that makes me want to puke even typing in reference to Bret’s… pole. Uh oh… here it comes…

That’s going to come in SO handy over the next few months.

So, Lacey goes on to say her “manic-depression” as Bret refers to it was caused by her mom’s untimely death. While I’m certainly not going to make fun of Lacey’s pain, I’m calling straight up bullshit on that one.

I have several friends getting their Master’s and Doctorates in Psychology, and they’ll tell you that psychologists don’t put people on medications, first of all. It’s psychiatrists who do the prescribing of medications.

Secondly, psychiatrists don’t prescribe medications to people who are depressed because of genuine trauma for long term usage. They usually recommend verbal therapy, and in extreme cases will prescribe something to help over a two week to a month period.

So, Lacey saying she’s on medication for depression directly related to her Mom’s death, and NOT some genuine sort of psychological problem is some straight up bullshit. Trust me on this one, folks. Being completely batshit insane myself, I know a thing or two about the fields of psychology and psychiatry.

Despite this, her crying act gets Bret to take her back for the “nightcap”, leaving Heather in the cold for the second night in a row. She officially calls off her alliance with Lacey in her interview.

Back at the room, Lacey talks more crap, professes that she’s here for Bret (mhmm…), and fucks him. What?! It’s bloody true!

Cut to eliminations time. Jes gets her pass first, and I’m calling her right now as the winner of the show. Lacey is called next, further proving that Bret is both a sucker and an idiot incapable of heeding the warning signs of a psychopath. Oh well.

So, it’s down to Heather and Brandi. They go back and forth about who said what about wanting to be with whom. Brandi admits she did say, “Bret’s not the one for me,” which Heather promptly hammers home to Bret. Brandi kind of back pedals though and says she’s just confused. (Pole emotions?)

Bret is clearly agitated at this point. Finally, he asks Brandi if she wants to stay there. She says, “Honestly, I don’t think I can let my guard down.”

Bret stammers, “Duh, uh, say that again?”

“I don’t think I can let my guard down.”

Bret then goes off on her about how she lied to him, she could have told him that a long time ago, oh and accuses her of “playing with people’s emotions”.

Oh, I’m sorry, I thought YOU were the one with 20 different women in your house, pitting them against each other, and purposely making them jealous of one another for the sake your own ego and libido! My mistake!

So, Brandi pretty much eliminates herself. What’s very interesting is Big John followed her up the door, which he didn’t need to do. Conspiracy theories (yes, they exist in the Rock of Love blogosphere) say that Bret MEANT to give the last VIP pass to Brandi, but he had Big John switch the passes so that he could give Heather her pass at the end. I mean, it was obvious that he was genuinely butt sore about Brandi “playing” him. *rolls eyes* Why would he act like that if he was just going to eliminate her anyway?

So, it’s down to Heather, Jes, and Lacey. Next week, it’s time for Bret to meet the girls’ parents. It looks like it’s going to be the final showdown between Heather and Lacey. Good stuff people… and by “good”, I of course mean “craptastic”. =)

Cheers,

E

(NOTE: All pictures are from VH1's Rock of Love Blog.)

I LOVE NEW YORK 2: The “Men” Revealed

So, quite possibly my favorite out of all the VH1 craptastic shows of all time, I Love New York, is now getting its marketing on as VH1 gears up for its 2nd season’s release on October 8th. It WOULD BE one of my most anticipated TV viewing dates… but I’ll be in Australia.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

OK, yes, I’m totally psyched about going to Australia (Oct. 5-22), but that means I will miss not one, not two, but more than likely the THREE earliest episodes of I Love New York 2! I’ll never catch up. *sobs*

All right, I know this blog isn’t about me having to “suffer” on my two week tour through Australia. It’s about the newest updates on VH1.com. I just can’t get over the timing.

Today, VH1 just released the first pictures of the 20 new men vying for New York’s heart. Without any further ado, here are the lucky 20 gents:



Crapsicles.

FIRST: There is not one single man up in this picture that I would touch with a 1,000 foot pole. Dang, is this really what all was out there? I don’t even have to watch the show, and I can tell you there’s gonna be an “I Love New York 3”. None of them look like they can handle the HBIC.

SECOND: Yes, that is a “little person” in the front row. And, yes, he is a contestant.

Is this not going to be the greatest VH1 craptastic show EVER?!?!?!

Oh, and according to VH1, he goes by the name “Midget Mac”. You really can’t make this shit up, people.

Why, oh why couldn’t this start in November?!?!?! I’m going to return from my Australia trip, and I’m going to have to beg and plead with Scott to watch the “catch up” episodes. (I’m sure he’s happier than a pig in shit to read that I’m going to miss the first three episodes – you sick, twisted bastard!)

Well, I’m a dedicated “I Love New York” viewer, and where there is a will, there’s a way. And, there is most DEFINITELY a will here.

Cheers,

E

PS: The next person who compares Lacey on “Rock of Love” to New York is getting a serious boot to the head. Lacey isn’t fit to munch on New York’s discarded weave (though we all know she would).

Rock of Love Episode 9 review should be here by Wednesday – not that any of you care. *sob* Feh, I wouldn’t either if I were you.

Craptastic Television Review (Episode 2)

TODAY’S EPISODE: Rock of Love, Episode 7, “Show Me Your Hits”

Man oh man, those VH1 execs sure have the creative juices a-flowin’ when it comes to their Celebreality TV show titles! Hope they have plenty of tissue around for cleaning up “the spillage”.

What am I saying? Of course they do! It’s “Rock of Love”, after all!

So, I actually missed the first couple of minutes of this week’s episode (stupid laundry), but I don’t think I missed anything important. When I came in, they were reading the “Bret Mail”, so I feel like I might as well just start there.

Bret Michaels basically likes to put these girls through challenges doing various tricks for him… and I’m not talking about the “circus” or “magician” type tricks either. Basically, this is the boot camp for the whore version of the Navy Seals. (The Whore Seals? Doesn’t have that much of a ring to it.)

Anywho, this week’s challenge is to go do a photo shoot for a hypothetical Bret Michaels album cover. (Hypothetical, of course, because your models having visible sores around their kibbles & bits is, to quote the inimitable John Brown, “Not a good look, bro.” Where is that guy nowadays?! HE needs his own Flavor of Love spinoff! Hallelujah, holla back.)

The girls show up at the shoot, and we meet Bret’s trusted photographer, Evo Lopez. I googled to find some of his photography, but I couldn’t find anything via the oracle. I then just typed in www.evolopez.com, but the “Evo” on that site spells it “Ivo”. Then again, growing up in LA I know how people trying to “make it” change their names every time some local starlet gets out of a car flashing her naked cooter to the paparazzi… so that’s like, every 15 minutes or so. Ironic timing, no?

Anyway, “Evo” breaks the girls up into two teams of three. Each team has to select two team members to be the models, and the third girl will be the “creative director” (AKA: skank ringleader). Whichever team wins will have the models go on a double date with Bret, while the creative director gets the (for some inexplicable reason) “coveted” one-on-one time with him.

The first team is Sam, Jes, and Lacey, with Mia, Heather, and Brandi M. on the second team. Seeing my two remaining favorites paired with Lacey was painful to watch. Despite the fact that Jes was the creative director on the team, Lacey pretty much butts in with her own (shitty) opinions on how everything should look because, in her own words, “I’ve been in a band for three years now. This is right up my alley.”

No, sweet cheeks, that would be a gang bang. And, all participants in together would still find your “alley” too roomy for their taste.

While Jes and Sam attempt to work around Lacey’s super-sized ego, Mia has to deal with Lacey’s favorite tag-along, Heather.

First of all, Heather looks more and more like a man to me every episode. Other than the fake titties, she’s built like a line-backer. Second of all, she’s got this delusional impression that she knows what is “sexy”. Every opportunity she gets, she says, “These girls don’t know shit about sexy”, and proceeds to display what the majority of humanity would define not as “sexy”, but rather as the epitome of the “star” of a donkey show.

So, basically Heather and Brandi come up with the brilliant idea that Brandi should dress up like a dude, and Heather should be a slutty whore on the car. (Hey, she does it everywhere else. Why not on a car?)

It hits me at this point that I might have been wrong about Randy – I mean “Brandi”. Last week, I thought she was pretending to be a lesbian to get Bret all excited about her. After her rampage in full male drag, I’m kind of thinking she might be pretending to be into DUDES in order to get attention. I mean, granted I tell people to suck my balls all the time, but I don’t stuff a sock down my pants and proceed to massage myself. She was just a little too into that whole “role-playing” scenario there.

Yeah, you keep living the dream there, Randy.

While the team of Leather and Randy (w/ ol’ “what’s-her-face”) get ready for their drag show, the other team comes up with the clichéd, and therefore sure to please Bret Michaels idea of girl-on-girl action in a bed. Basically, Sam plays the angel, and Lacey (what else?) the devil. (Perfect casting, for the record.)

They then try to come up with an album title. Oh Jimeny Christmas, as an English major and a writer, I knew this was going to be exceptionally painful for me. At one point, the Master’s Degree bound Sam suggests that they put their thesaurus caps on for a moment to think of a synonym for “angel”.

Lacey blurts out, “Goddess! How about goddess?”

*slams head repeatedly at work desk*

SINCE WHEN HAS “GODDESS” BEEN A SYNONYM FOR ANGEL?!?!?!?!?!

Seriously, this show is shaving, like, AT LEAST four years off of my life.

In Lacey’s defense, she’s a goddess in her own mind, and she doesn’t understand why no one else gets that. (Was Medusa a goddess, by the way? I could see her as THAT kind of goddess. Or maybe bat shit crazy Hera. But, Diana she ain’t.)

Anywho, I feel bad because Jes actually comes up with the “winning” album title: “How about, ‘When Love Dances with the Devil’?”

*winces*

Oh man, Jes. You’ve hit me hard. *wheezes* I want to like you SO BAD, girl! You rip on (and beat down) both Heather and Lacey. You don’t let anyone push you around. But, then… you go and say shit like that and… man… you’re making it WAY more difficult than you need to here.

Of course, in case you didn’t catch just exactly how shitty of an album name that is, let me just confirm its suckitude by mentioning that Lacey immediately loves it. Then, when it becomes clear that the team is going to use it, she makes sure to add in her confessional time that the title was one of her (many) ideas. (Believe me, I WISH Lacey could be blamed for that stinker of an album title.)

After picking their (terrible) album title, Lacey and Sam get all skanked out (although I must say Sam looked phuckin’ PHIERCE), and started rolling around on the bed for the photo shoot. Of course, Lacey had to flap her big mouth during the entire shoot with that retarded ass lip piercing making it even harder to understand the already nonsensical gibberish spewing forth from her. Even the photographer was ready to backhand a ho after 15 minutes or so. (Dag-bloody-nabit, I subconsciously rhymed again. Feh, get used to it.)

After the pain that is watching Lacey attempt to be sexy (which is about as sexy as when Hannibal Lecter eats the face off of the prison guard… and oddly reminiscent of that scene, too), we get to see Lacey be even more of a stubborn, selfish bitch as she pretty much shouts over both Jes’s and Sam’s opinions as to which photo to use for the album cover. Granted, I could understand why Lacey would be worried since Sam looked like a “goddess” in just about every shot, while Lacey looked like… well, Hannibal Lecter after he ate that prison guard’s face. (Hey, if the face fits…)

(Yes, I do know I ought to be beaten savagely for that horrible pun. You can all spit on my grave when the time comes.)

Finally, Sam and Jes give up and let Lacey have her way, which I’m not sure as to why they do that. I mean, Sam is like 5’10” and 120 lbs., and even she could wail on Lacey’s ass…

Eh, I guess I understand. It’s the same reason I don’t complain to the post office about my mail carrier’s borderline retardation, even though he’s lost about half of my mail. (That’s seriously not even an exaggeration. I can’t wait until he just so happens to come to deliver the mail at the same time that the ice cream man drives by, so that he’ll run/waddle off into the distance, never to be seen or heard from again. *sigh* A gal can dream, right?)

So, after all of THAT skanky “goodness”, it’s Team Two’s turn to get up there and show them what they’ve got. (Not that they haven’t been doing that for the entire duration of the show already.)

During the shoot, Heather does everything possible sexually to that car other than let the exhaust pipe penetrate her. I mean, seriously ladies and gentleman, the amount of skankdom in this woman would be enough reason for the Taliban to nuke us 50 times over if they ever got the chance. Meanwhile, Brandi puts on her best Butch “act” *snicker*, even commenting afterwards, “Heather looked hot! Hell, I’d have sex with her!”

We know, Randy. We know.

As for their terrible title, Team Two comes up with the slightly less groan-worthy “Broken Road”. Sure, it doesn’t make any bloody sense, but at least it’s not like nails grinding on the chalkboard.

Coincidentally, there’s a famous breakfast place in San Diego called “Broken Yolk”. I wonder if any of the girls were inspired by that restaurant… feh, probably not. I doubt they serve “Eggs Chlamydia” there.

After the photo shoot is mercifully over, we pan back to the house where Heather and Lacey are (what else?) scheming against the other girls in the house. Seriously, at this point I don’t even listen to what the hell they are saying. It just depresses me, making think, “Wow. I’m so glad millions of women got involved in the feminist movement in the 1970’s so that we could devolve into this.” Seriously, how many abortions do you all think the two of these gals have between them?

Meanwhile, Lacey bitches about how she did EVERYTHING for her team, and that she should “win” the solo date with Bret. Every other sentence out of her mouth is, “It’s not fair!”

Little reality check here, Lacey: not winning a single date with Bret Michaels is not even ON the spectrum of justice and fairness on this plane of existence. You know what’s not fair? The fact that the Bush Administration cuts off support to the countries most ravaged by the effects of AIDS if their programs even so much as mention the word “abortion” in passing. You know what’s not fair, Lacey? The fact that according to the statistics of exonerated death row inmates vs. inmates actually put to death, approximately 1 in 10 people on death row are innocent of the crimes that they are there for.

At best, not winning a one-on-one date with Bret Michaels is a mild annoyance akin to coming back from the Laundromat with one sock without a matching counterpart… if that.

Anyway, the girls get their pictures back, along with some comments from Evo regarding the selected shot and their themes. He pretty much tells both teams that they suck ass. Well put.

The two teams go out and present their covers to Bret. (Who, for the record, is too old and too fat to be wearing eye liner. If Jared Leto and Pete Wentz look like emo bitches wearing it, you KNOW you ought not to be working that look.)

Team Mia, Randy, and Leather go first. Their album cover is this:

Seriously, is there a single straight man out there that thinks Heather looks hot? Is there a single gay man out there ready to proclaim her a divalicious drag queen? *cricket chirps* Anyone?

Exactly.

Evo, little minx that he is, suggests that they are trying to represent Bret in Brandi’s white trash, gray-haired alter ego. They all stumble and swear it’s not. While I believe them, I think Bret should take it as a compliment if they did represent him in that fashion. Seriously, straight ladies and gay men – given the choice, who would you rather have tickle your insides?

This:

Or This:

You know what, after seeing those pics again, I’m going to include lesbians in the voting, as well. Goodness knows those two both look like something you’d find at “The Clamshell” bar.

Personally, I’d take the cyanide pill.

(NOTE: To those not “in the know” the cyanide pill option was created after the Chi Omega girls and I played the “If You Had to, Who Would You Rather Sleep with” game at our friend Beth’s house for a good two hours, and Beth finally threw out, “OK, Osama bin Laden or Saddam Hussein?” It was then that we agreed upon the cyanide pill inclusion clause, but it is ONLY to be used in the case of an emergency.)

I believe this case warrants it.

So, Bret pretty much hates their cover, and Mia gets blamed by everyone for it. I would feel bad for her, but she just takes it like a bad porno flick. Guess girlfriend’s got experience with it.

Time for the team of Jes, Sam, and Lacey to reveal their ho-tastic album cover:

Since this looks like the cover of next month’s “Hustler” magazine, Bret loves it, although he has concerns about this selling in “The Bible Belt”. Yes, Bret, because people in the Bible Belt:

A.) PURCHASE CDs
B.) Listen to anything other than Country, Gospel, and Lynyrd Skynyrd

Even with his concerns, Bret picks the Lacy/Jes/Sam cover. Of course, before they can do anything, Lacey starts whining AGAIN about how it’s so unfair that she doesn’t get a one-on-one date with Bret.

She decides to go into his room and tell him that she did everything on the shoot, and that Jes pretty much only did the make-up. Bret listens, but isn’t convinced.

He then brings Jes is, who tells him Lacey was a controlling bitch, and it was a struggle to get anything done because she was so bossy.

Seriously, Bret LOVES the gossip like no other Celebreality star I’ve seen on VH1. It’s like he’s permanently in Jr. High.

So, after some more scenes of Lacey being a whiny bitch, Bret takes her and Sam out to a restaurant called Neptune’s Net up in Malibu. (A seafood joint -- how appropriate.)

While there, Bret (being the 13-year old girl that he is) asks Sam and Lacey if he thinks Jes did a good job as creative director. Sam actually gets a chance to speak first, and she says that Jes did a good job, and that she was happy with the results.

Lacey, on the other hand, proceeds to go off on how she was responsible for the whole shoot, that Jes is a bitch, blah blah blah. What kills me is at the end of her rant, she says, “So, that’s all I have to say on that. Now, I’m gonna go take a pee.”

Bitch, have you ever watched a reality TV show in your life? You know Bret and Sam are going to talk about your ass the instant you get up to go “take a pee”. (Thanks for being so specific there, by the way. Because, “I’ll be right back” just wouldn’t have gotten your point across, would it?)

Sure enough, Bret asks Sam what she thinks of Lacey’s comments just then. Sam proceeds to lay it all out there about what a fake, maniacal, psychotic, manipulative bitch Lacey is. Bret even admits that he’s starting to see the craziness that EVERYONE ELSE is able to see in the house. Sam points out, “Can you trust that,” to which Bret admits that he can’t. Then, Sam, using the debate skills that the rest of the hoochies are so clearly lacking (except maybe Jes), asks, “Then what are you doing?” A clearly “Pwned” Bret stammers, “Duh, uh, I don’t know.”

Ya think?

Meanwhile, back at the house, Heather and Brandi decide that they’re going to take sexy pictures of each other to prove to Bret that they can put together a hot & skanky photo shoot.

Yeah, gals, I’m pretty sure Bret subscribes to “Shaved Beaver Weekly”, and has therefore seen “your work”. A superfluous photo shoot where you don’t even get free catering served to you isn’t worth your time. Just trying to help y’all out.

It then hits me why I don’t like Brandi. It comes out that she’s a stripper, which she’s been HIDING, apparently. But even more so, she decides to make an alliance with Heather. If that doesn’t make you a dumb whore quicker than dating Kevin Federline, I really don’t know what does.

Pan back to the date, time to put Sam back into the limo and Lacey back into her straight jacket and choke chain, while Jes hops out to go on her “super sexy” date with Bret.

What is a super sexy date? See, what I hear “super sexy” date, I think of getting dressed up in bondage gear, renting out a room at a local dungeon, and doing a little “teacher punishes the naughty school girl” scenario while filming it. Apparently, Bret thinks it consists of taking Jes for a ride on his motorcycle down the Malibu portion of PCH, then taking her to a picnic dinner on a private beach.

Wow, guess I’m just a freak like that. (For the record, Bret’s date does sound like fun, too.)

VOMIT MOMENT OF THE EPISODE: Bret says to the cameras in his confessional time that his beach date went fantastic with Jes, especially because, “We did a lot of sucking face.”

*hurl* I’m so sorry everyone for not only repeating his puke-worthy statement, but for posting that picture. The way I justify this to myself is I’m just helping out all the bulimics in the audience today.

OK, this blog is getting way too long, even by my own admission. Time to cut some corners here… but I’ve GOT to go into detail about the whoriffic photo shoot from Leather & Randy.

Here is what apparently passes for “sexy” around the trailer park these days:

She was having a flashbacks to getting busted for her meth lab… the fifth time. That one was AFTER the boob job.

Is she or is she not a DEAD-RINGER for Clementine Johnson on “Reno 911”?! Tell me I’m wrong!

That poor microphone. Bret’s definitely going to have to burn that, now. It’s like shooting a horse to put it out of its misery… the microphone, not Brandi.

I’m surprised the table didn’t collapse.

So, of course Heather goes and posts the Polaroid pictures right on Bret’s bedroom door. As soon as he gets home, he jizzes all over himself, saying, “Why didn’t they take these photos at the photo shoot?!”

Mia comes over and tries to get 5 minutes alone with him since she knows she’s in deep shit, now. Bret doesn’t want to hear it, though, and cops out by saying it’s time for everyone to have dinner together, and she can talk to him there.

So, down at dinner, Lacey starts going off again on her self-righteous animal rights shit, saying that after she learned about what KFC did to their animals, she realized she needed to “make some changes in my life”, and swore never to eat there again.

*sighs* Where to begin with this one…

A.) Lacey, you shouldn’t eat at KFC because it’s FUCKING K-F-C! Why don’t you just dig through some of Heather’s old underwear to get some “crabs” to eat while you’re going to KFC for “chicken”?
B.) I am a vegetarian. It’s not because I’m a PETA psycho who thinks that we got to the top of the food chain to eat twigs. In fact, I LOATHE PETA and their douchey tactics. I’m a vegetarian solely because my health has been the best it has ever been in my life since cutting out all meat and products made from dead animals (i.e. chicken broth, gluten, etc.). That being said, I don’t give a flying crap if someone eats meat in front of me, and I CERTAINLY don’t belittle them for doing so.

Brandi can’t take any more of Lacey’s BS, and leaves the table blaming a “headache”. I don’t even think she’s lying on that one. Bret follows her into her room, and finds her teary eyed on the bed. She tells him that she can’t stand one more minute of Lacey, and is afraid she’s going to hurt her if she stays around much longer.

Now, I wouldn’t CRY over that, but I feel her on not being able to keep herself from violently thrashing the Über bitch that is Lacey. Shoot, I only have to watch her on television for one hour a week, and I’d be hard pressed not build myself a nice little police record should I ever see her in person.

Bret convinces her to stay, just like he’s done with about every other girl in the house thus far.

Gals, on behalf of your collective parents, relatives, and respectable women of the world, I say, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!!! What were you even thinking setting foot in that house in the first place?! What do you “win” in this competition – a chance to be Bret Michaels’ chew toy for a week! You can do that for FREE at any JJ’s Steakhouse, Bar, and Grill across the Bible Belt!” (I hear they love him over there.)

Finally, it’s time for the elimination ceremony. The last two girls standing are Lacey and Mia. At this point, everyone on the planet (other than Leather) is collectively wishing that Bret would send Lacey home. Of course, the syphilis has already taken hold of his mind, and he’s unable to come to a rational decision. While he full on admits that everyone (including himself) thinks that she’s a crazy bitch, he goes on to explain that he loves how she’s “crazy for her man”.

First of all, Bret, you’re not her man. If so, why the hell do you have five other bitches behind her waiting to gobble your nob? Second of all, she’s not “crazy” for YOU. She’s just plain ol’, run of the mill crazy. I mean, look at this face:

Could you fall asleep knowing THAT was in your house? I’d rather sleep in a room filled with clowns hopped up on PCP.

So, Lacey survives another week, and Mia goes home. I can’t believe she actually cried. Crying over not getting to tickle Bret Michaels’s prostate anymore?! You know we’re in a war still, right Mia? Dayum.

Next week, the “fabulous five” get interviewed by three of Bret’s former sperm receptacles, also known as “super fans”. Until then, I think I’m going to read a book and keep the remaining brain cells I have in somewhat good condition.

NOTE: All pictures come from VH1.com, specifically, their "Rock of Love" page.)

Cheers,

E

Craptastic Television Review (Episode 1)

One of my distinguishing personality “quirks” is that I love craptastic television. Everyone who knows me lets out a collective groan of disgust when I list my favorite TV shows. I know you all hate them, and I don’t give a flying poopsicle. I love me some craptastic TV.

As I was sitting at work with nothing to do until Best Buy decides to give me ANOTHER inane and stupid project because they are too retarded to do it themselves (like entering in the “Ship to” addresses on their POs – I’m not kidding), I decided that I am going to start reviewing my favorite craptastic TV shows.

VH1 has helped my dream come true by doing TWO spin offs of their craptastically delicious hit, Flavor of Love. While Rock of Love is now being aired, I Love New York 2 is now in the editing room getting ready for a fall premiere, and Flavor of Love 3 is now casting.

Even though it’s the somewhat less entertaining than Flavor of Love and I Love New York spinoff, “Rock of Love” is what is on VH1 right now. So, I’ll start with breaking down the characters for you. (NOTE: I’m not listing all of them, because some of them got eliminated before they stepped foot in the house. I am only reviewing the ones who said or did something worth commenting on.)

*NOTE*: All of the pictures below are from VH1's "Rock of Love" webpage.



BRANDI C.

If you look up the definition of “dumb blond” in the dictionary, this chick’s face will be right up front, drunk as hell with a jumbo pickle in her mouth. With such quotes as, “I love my breasts! They’re the best present that I got from my parents last year,” and “I miss my cat. I’m not kidding. Abnormally I miss her,” it’s amazing that her head doesn’t float off of her body from the amount of helium in it.

Still, even after being a whore (she encourages Bret to have a polygamous relationship as long as she can be the #1 girlfriend, AKA: “The Holly”), doing a porn movie after the show (which she explains thusly: “I have a couple of girlfriends who do it and I was just kinda bored and coming off the whole crazy ride of that show. I was like, “Well, let me try it out and see if it’s something that I like.”), I actually kind of liked her. I mean, who the heck else is BRET MICHAELS going to end up with? He’s not looking for someone to bring home to mom (unless she’ll make out with her).

I think Brandi won me over when she said one of the better lines from the show: “I wish I was as drunk as I look.” Dang it all if I don’t feel like that a good half the times I drink. Girlfriend is A-OK by me.

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 4



BRANDI M.

I really want to like Brandi M. She seems like she’s got a good head on her shoulders. She’s a party girl without being a skank. She’s somewhat intelligent, and she has a fairly good sense of humor.

But, at the end of the day, Brandi M. kind of pisses me off. It finally hit me why when on this week’s episode (which I’ll review if I actually get a chance to watch it) she says on her date with Bret, “I can’t see myself marrying a woman. I’ll have sex with one, though. Don’t get me wrong. But then I’ll kick her out afterwards.”

Now, I don’t care if she’s bisexual. Whatever floats your boat, sister. MY thing is that there have been SOOOOOOO many “girl-on-girl” make-out sessions in the house, and in several of them, the camera has caught Brandi M. either laughing her butt off, or acting like she’s going to puke. Also, with all of these chicks making out with each other, including the ones who claim to be totally straight, Brandi has never even kissed another girl on the cheek.

Therefore, it is my personal opinion that she was just saying that to get Bret’s attention. And, I hate it when people are phonies, or try to become something that they’re not. So annoying. So, Brandi M. is on my “Sucks” list… even though I should probably put her on the “Munches” list. Feh, you get the point.

Oh, and it pissed me off that she actually BRAGS that she can fit her fist in her mouth. Am I supposed to be impressed by that? Call me back when you can fit a 20 oz. bottle of Aquafina in there, and then maybe you can give me some competition. (Yes, I have photographic proof. No, I'm not posting it.)

STATUS: Still in it to win it!



CINDY/RODEO

No one calls her “Cindy” on the show, including her. Her nickname is “Rodeo”. At first, I thought she’d piss me off because of such a stupid nickname. But, she actually became my favorite in the show. Definitely a Mommy figure, she had one of the few genuine connections with Bret. Also, I liked that she was at least SOMEWHAT close to his age, and probably was alive when he was at the height of his fame.

Plus, she kicked Lacey’s ass. That alone is enough to make me be on Team Rodeo.

Alas, she got eliminated because Bret knew she missed her little boy too much to continue the show. RIP Rodeo. You were definitely the best one for Bret in the house. Be thankful you escaped without catching “the herp”… I hope. =/

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 4

DALLAS

Again, I thought I wouldn’t like Dallas, because normally people who are named after cities are as retarded as the parents who named them. But, this Dallas kicked ass, if for no other reason than she continuously tortured Lacey. (Can you tell who my least favorite person is in the cast, yet?)

Basically, Lacey is a psychotic bitch. She also is a huge PETA activist. Coincidence? I think not. (This is coming from a vegetarian, mind you.) So, Dallas torments Lacey by saying she wears fur, leather, eats meat, and would slit any animal’s throat if it was there right then and there. While that sounds bad, I believe she was just saying that last part to drive Lacey bat shit insane – and it worked.

Dallas became my reality show hero of the week when Lacey made some stupid comment about how Dallas should go eat a squirrel. Dallas’s response?

“What was Bret wearing a couple of day ago? Snakes! Snakes! Snakes! He was wearing &*%$*@# animals!”

So, basically Dallas called out Lacey for the hypocrite that she is. BEAUTIFUL. Alas, Bret Michaels is a moron, and kept Lacey over Dallas.

The one problem I have with Dallas is that in her bio she says her hero is Marilyn Manson. Anyone who says their hero is Marilyn Manson is an emo douche who is disillusioned enough to think that somehow their pain is worse than anyone picked at random in the developing world. End of story.

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 3

ERIN

Aww man, that’s my GIRL right there!

At first, I thought I would despise Erin. Her bio claims she was “Miss Hooters Illinois”, and she has quite possibly the biggest and fakest looking breast implants I’ve seen outside of the porn industry.

But, Erin soon proved herself not only to be quite intelligent, but also well spoken, respectable, and vicious with the comebacks. And, there was quite a lot of hate being thrown at her.

My favorite Erin moment was when Brandi C. was pissed at her for winning a date with Bret. She full on called her “clown tits”. (Another reason Brandi C. eventually won me over. “Clown tits” – that’s pretty flippin’ funny, right there.) Without even skipping a beat, Erin says to her, “Sweetie, you’re not even that pretty. Oh sorry, that’s right, you’re pretty in the meth world with your meth-scratched face.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That’s so something I would say. OK, so granted we later find out those scars are from a terrible car accident. But, the fact that Brandi C. referred to them as “a disability” made me feel better for laughing in the first place.

“Meth-scratched face” – AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It just doesn’t get old.

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 5



HEATHER

Whore.

If Lacey is my least favorite person on the show, Heather is my second least favorite. She’s a 32 year-old stripper with some of the worst white trash hair I have ever seen in my life – and I watch A LOT of Jerry Springer and COPS. A few examples:

EXAMPLE: When on a double date with Brad and Magdalena, Magdalena calls her out on her stripping. Bret asks her how long she plans to strip. She says, “I’ve got 6 more months left. When I started stripping, I said to myself, ‘Well, I’ll give it a try for five years, and then I’ll stop.’ I’ve been doing it four and a half years, so in 6 months I’m out.”

Oh where, oh where to begin on this? First of all, who “tries” anything for FIVE YEARS? If she was going to “try” stripping, she would do it for a month. No one “tries” anything for five years. That’s like “trying” college for five years to see if you’re going to do anything with it.

Second of all, ho is 32 years old. If someone “tries” stripping, they’re usually paying for school and under the age of 21. If you’re a 32 year old stripper, you’re a fucking professional at this point. This is not trying a new job – it’s is a frickin’ CAREER. Take that reality check and cash it in for some Pampers money.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a dumb whore. If you’re going to be a whore, at least be a smart one, so you can hopefully graduate to full-on “hustler” status by the time those fake titties are the only things not wrinkled and sagging on your body. Heather is the expired milk of the house, at this point, and she doesn’t even realize it.

WHORE.

STATUS: Still in it to win it!

JES

*sigh* I want to like Jes. I really do. I know she’s one of the few non-skanks remaining on the program. She’s very pretty, and she’s a somewhat smart gal. And, she nearly broke Lacey’s ankle in the football game episode last Sunday. So, she’s mostly OK with me.

But, I just can’t throw my full support behind her. I don’t know why. She just strikes me as the type of girl who only has male friends. GUYS: If your girlfriend only has male friends, BE VERY AFRAID. It means one of three things:

1. She’s a whore
2. She’s a total bitch, and only men will put up with her because she’s good looking; or
3. She’s a total bitch, and only men will put up with her because she gives out BJs like they’re Kleenex – who ever sneezes gets one.

In Jes’s case, I’m guessing it’s number 2. But, since she took Lacey down a couple of notches, I’ll keep her on the “Cool” list for now.

STATUS: Still in it to win it!

KRISTIA

Brandi C. and her became “best friends” within minutes of meeting each other. After approximately five minutes, they were mashing their boobs together, with Kristia screaming, “If we put our boobs together, we can think better!”

Good… freaking… gosh. Susan B. Anthony is rolling over in her grave right now. Granted, she would love to be the meat in that “deep thinking” sandwich, but she’d still be horrified at the implications upon womankind. Then again, I think Susie preferred brunettes….

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 3

LACEY

I cannot even find the words to describe my complete and utter contempt for this, in her own words, “waste of sperm and egg”.

Lacey is a psycho. She tries to get every girl out of the house that isn’t a skank, or that doesn’t lick her hairy asshole. (So, pretty much everyone other than Heather.)

She’s also a total hypocrite. She PROCLAIMS to be a staunch PETA member. Yet, Bret Michaels makes no bones about the fact that he loves meat, he loves to hunt, and he frequently wears all sorts of animal skins and furs. And, Lacey just smiles and rubs another one out for him. But, all hell breaks loose should one of the other girls in the house suggest that they are not a militant PETA douche.

The other thing about Lacey is she acts like she’s so tough. Meanwhile, she’s gotten her ass handed to her in every single fight she’s gotten into. Dallas, Rodeo, and Jes have all kicked her stankin’ ass, and yet she still continues to think she’s all hard and shit. I can’t stand people like that. I may talk a lot of shit, but at least I know that if I was in a fight with anyone under the age of 95, I’d end up with three remaining teeth and a concussion.

STATUS: Still in it to win it!



MAGDALENA

OK, so I might have a personal bias towards Magdalena since she’s a tall gal like myself (she’s 6’3”). But, I do think she kicks ass.

First of all, she and Sam are the smartest girls in the house. (Who would have thought the Polish girl would be one of the smart ones? Oh c’mon, there aren’t nearly enough Polish jokes going around these days…)

Here’s why I like Magdalena: she tells it like it is. Magdalena calls out the whores in the house to their faces… and often in front of Bret’s. On Heather’s explanation of her “6 more months” of stripping, Magdalena says, “That’s the classic stripper line. ‘I’m gonna quit next month’.” Wow, I guess Polish strippers are just like American strippers.

I would say I hope she won, but with shows like these, “winning” is really losing.

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 6



MIA

No one really knows about this chick because she hasn’t gotten much TV time.

But, she’s still around, so I guess she’s got something going for her. In the mean time, she’s on the fence with me. She hasn’t done anything stupid, but she hasn’t done anything amusing either.

STATUS: Still in it to win it!



SAM

Definitely my favorite gal out of the bunch. She’s the only girl left with any sort of serious brain power. I also like Sam because she stays true to herself. She gets upset when she sees Bret making out with the other girls, she admits she has trust issues, and she seems to have genuine feelings for Bret.

Alas, I’m betting that she’ll be eliminated in the next two episodes since she won’t put out and/or she can’t handle seeing him make out with all sorts of different women. It’s all good, though. She’s better off without him, anyway.

STATUS: Still in it to win it!


UNTIL NEXT TIME...

So, I have now (hopefully) caught you up on the characters of this show. I might not get a chance to see Episode 6 this week. But, if I do, I'll do a scathing & amusing review of it. Otherwise, I'll just wait until next week. (I know, I know -- you're crushed.)

Until next time, remember: when deciding what to watch on just remember all of it is crap, but only the rarest of jewels are craptastic. O=)

Cheers,

E