Do You "Get It"?

It has become more and more clear to me that in this world there are two types of people -- people who "get it", and people who don't.

If you just asked yourself, "Get what? What is the 'It' that I'm supposed to get?", that's a really good sign that you don't "get it".

Almost all of my friends "get it". There are a few who don't, but all of my really close friends "get it". It doesn't mean I don't like people who don't "get it". It just means that they are inferior.

If you were insulted by that last comment, clearly you don't "get it". I'm being sarcastic... sort of.

One of my friends who REALLY "gets it" is Christine. It's not something she learned, as you can't learn how to "get it" from books, or school, or even life experience. She just has an extremely high "getting it" aptitude.

Here's a perfect example. Christine and I understand that drawing hats on pictures of birds is hilarious. Therefore, we can send the following to one another...


(Christine's)


(Mine)

... and we both get it. This is highly amusing to the two of us. If you're laughing at this, you're set.

Another one of my friends with a high "getting it" aptitude is Ricky. Just yesterday he sent me the following link: http://theendofhumor.blogspot.com/.

If you're not laughing at this point, I'm not quite sure why you're still reading.

Here's an easy test for if you get it or not:

If you are laughing your ass off at the above picture, then congratulations! You "get it". If not, resign yourself to enjoying Jay Leno. It's not a completely horrible fate... just mostly horrible.

I saw a comedy special this weekend that was truly amazing. Now, granted, I was quite "unsober" (and I'll leave it at that), but I'm wondering if it's still as funny now that I'm back in this galaxy.

Anyway, the comic was Daniel Tosh, and it was pretty much the most hilarious, awesome show I've seen in years. Seriously. This dude has a genius level IQ in the "getting it" type of intelligence. I'm going to watch his clips on his MySpace right now, and see if he's nearly as funny not totally baked. I'll let you know.

Yes, I know that might seem to some like an odd way to end a blog. If you think that, then you don't "get it".

Cheers,

E

Can I Ask a Question?

When is the right time to tell one of your customers to “fuck off and die”?

See, I’ve been dealing with this company that shall remain nameless (for the time being) because they are an investor in the company I work for. Since they are a major distributor, we not only have deal with their dumb asses, but we also have to deal with their clients’ even dumber asses.

Now, I’ve worked in Sales and Customer Service all of my working career now. I’ve met some pretty big douches in this world via these positions, and it’s been rare that I’ve even ever told a customer flat out that they’re wrong or that I can’t do something for them.

I’m pretty darn tempted to not only do so with this friggin’ a-hole, but to tell him that I hope he gets molested by a rabid orangutan.

Among his many offenses:

1. Asking me the same question a fourth time when I had already answered it THREE TIMES BEFORE, and the answer was there three times in the preceding e-mail body when he asked it the fourth time;
2. Placing a piddly order of approximately $15K and thinking we’re available at his beckon call 24/7;
3. Demanding samples be sent down to him “overnight” to Peru (Time Zones, anyone? Concept of how fast a plane travels and how big the world is, anyone? I told our Production Coordinator to include a globe with the samples.);
4. Demanding high resolution photos of products we’re sending to him for a magazine ad, then not having any software to view such print resolution quality photos;
5. Calling us “Team” in every e-mail. (We are NOT your team.)

The last straw for me was when I was purposely ignoring this moron (he’s from Peru, so I’ll call him “Idiot Peru Douche”; IPD for short), and he called my office phone incessantly. Every five minutes, I see some weird, Peruvian telephone number showing up on the Caller ID. (I’ve never been so grateful for it before this day.)

He then has the balls to e-mail me and say, “Do you have a cellphone number where I can reach you? I am trying with your office but have not been successful…Tks”

*blood reaches boiling point*

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me? You have a stupid ass question that I have already done everything I can do to answer and solve on your behalf (since you’re too stupid to do so yourself), and now you want to call my personal cell phone during my off-hours from PERU?!

This dude better hope I choose to do my Amazonian rainforest adventures in Brazil or Ecuador. Otherwise, I might have to make a brief stop-over in Lima to “do some business” of my own… Tony Montana style.

And, anyone who is too lazy to spell out the word “Thanks” deserves to drown in a vat of their own boiling stomach acid.

IPD, would you kindly,

FUCK OFF AND DIE!

Cheers,

E

(Quite Possibly) "The Freakiest Thing I've EVER Seen!"

I’ve seen some pretty crazy ish in my day. Not in person, of course, but via my love for craptastic television.

One great TV addiction I have is to the Discovery Health Channel. Have you guys seen some of the stuff on here? With show titles like, “The Half-Ton Man”, “Woman with Half a Body”, and “Pregnant for 37 Years”, I’m totally hooked. The human body is so flippin’ weird, and no matter how much we learn about it, we’re still so completely in the dark about what all goes on in our own bodies that it’s mind-boggling.

So, anyway, a friend sent me a link with the subject line: “Freakiest thing I have EVER seen”.

Now, I won’t reveal this person’s identity, just because he/she works at a very sensitive position. But, let me just give you a little background on him/her so you can understand my mindset when I read that subject line.

This person works at an AIDS clinic. His/her job, among other things, is counseling people who have been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS, and looking up & contacting their recent sexual partners so that he/she can let them know that someone they slept with has just been diagnosed with HIV.

So, when this person sends me something with the subject line “Freakiest thing I have EVER seen”, my initial reaction is, “Man, this has got to be some F-ed up ish right here.”

Oh man, was it ever.

Ladies and gentleman… how do I even introduce this clip? I’ve tried to find the words to delicately lay the situation out in front of you, dear readers. But, there really is no way to cushion this.

This man is turning into a tree.

You read that correctly – this clip is of “Half-Tree Man”. (Not to be confused with ManBearPig.)

I’m serious. The dude is growing roots from his hands and feet, and is growing “bark-like” lesions all over his body.

Hard to wrap your head around, huh? Well, take a look at the clip below to see what I’m talking about.

WARNING: This is potentially one of the most disturbing videos I have ever seen in my life. No one gets murdered or killed, and there’s no violence or rape. But, I highly encourage you to wait on viewing this if you have eaten within the hour or if you’re going to go to bed soon – or if you’re especially squeamish. Trust me – I watched this before bed last night and I couldn’t fall asleep for 2+ hours partially because I was so disturbed by this man’s condition.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.



Now, at first I debated even posting this because, obviously, the man’s condition is so severe that you can’t really joke about it. I mean, every time I see this, I have an uncontrollable urge to scratch my face and head.

However, there is not just good news for “Half-Tree Man” – there is great news!

The doctors who went to visit him in this documentary were able to diagnose his condition. It turns out all of these appendages are caused by HPV (Human Papillomaviruses), and were exacerbated by the fact that due to a genetic defect, the man (Dede) has almost no immune system. So, basically, the warts that come with HPV were allowed to run rampant by his body, and this is what resulted.

Even better news is it is easily treated. The doctors will give him synthetic Vitamin A to stop and shrink all of the wart growth. Once these lesions stop growing, they will fall off, and the more stubborn ones can be frozen and cut off.

While he’ll be permanently disfigured, at least he will regain movement of his hands and feet, and be able to live a normal life again. (Or, at least more normal than being a Half-Tree Man and having to appear in “Freak Shows” to support himself. Poor thing, God bless his heart.)

YEAH!!!!!!

And, on that note, I do have to say one smart ass thing about this since I know he's going to get better…

They mention that Dede’s wife abandoned him in the documentary. Now, normally I think it’s a horrible thing for a woman (or man) to do to abandon their spouse due to illness, or even if something horrible happens like they’re completely paralyzed from the neck down, or have their faces burnt off in a fire.

But, I can’t say a dang thing about Dede’s wife.

See, when you take those marriage vows, you say “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness in health, ‘til death do you part, for as long as you both shall live, etc., et al.”

But, you take those vows as a human being marrying another human being. I think all bets are off if they turn into another species. I’m sorry, but there’s “for better”, and then there’s “for worse”, and then there’s “for turning into a frickin’ tree”.

Once your spouse starts turning into a tree (and not in the good way, either), I say all bets are off.

That being said, I would still stay with the Scootz even if he started turning into a Half-Tree Man. First of all, I’m a tree-hugging, hippie, liberal douche; so, it’s not like I would really be changing my lifestyle all that much.

Second of all, I’m super loyal – to a fault even. I still support and love people, even though I know they’re vile douches deep down in my heart. I won’t name names, but if you’re reading this, you’re probably not one of them. =)

Third of all, and most important, Scootz is indeed my soul mate, the love of my life, and no matter what happened to him physically, I would stick by him. =) Ah dang it, that was totally a subconscious pun, wasn't it? Half-tree man... "stick" by him?

It's a curse, I tell you.

Anywho, back to the whole "Sticking-with-Scott-even-if-He-Turned-into-a-Half-Tree-Man" thing: I told him, there’s only two things that would make me leave him – a cheatin’ or a beatin’. So, as long as I didn’t find him with some other leafy tree skank, or he didn’t smack me upside the head with one of his root systems, we’d be all good.

So, Happy One and a Half Year Anniversary, babes! I dedicate my Half-Tree Man blog to you on this special day. No, no… you don’t need to say a word. I love you, too. O=)

Cheers,

E

New Lows in Television

You KNOW if I’m typing those words that there has to be some serious crap out there.

So, I’m sitting on my ass watching TV on Saturday morning because, dang it, I’m a tax-paying, law-abiding American, and that’s what I choose to do. Don’t judge.

Anywho, I’m flipping through the channels of truly abysmal Saturday morning television, and lo and behold, I stumble upon the commercial that I believe summarizes the severity of this whole writers’ strike…

http://www.aetv.com/parking-wars/

Nope, this is no joke. A&E has come up with the truly brilliant idea of doing a reality TV show about PHILADELPHIA PARKING METER ATTENDANTS.

*cricket chirps*

Exactly.

So, because the instant I saw the commercial, I knew I was going to have to do a blog about this total pile of crap, I went ahead and watched a few minutes of it.

Wow. I haven’t been this enthralled since I watched my neighbor mow his lawn.

Basically, you follow these meter maids around, who are WAY nicer than any real meter maid that I’ve ever encountered. I am 100% certain these bitches are putting on an act for the camera, because as long as I’ve lived, I have never seen any meter maid let someone out of a parking ticket. They are far more tight-assed than even the Highway Patrol.

Anyway, so there was this scene where this not ugly, but certainly not hot meter maid lets this pretty darn good looking guy out of a ticket because a parking meter is broken. (Riveting television, I know.)

So, they interview this dude afterwards, and he’s saying, “Wow, she’s the nicest meter lady I’ve ever met. And, she was hot, too. I’m not gonna lie – she was sexy.” Allow me to post a picture of this “sexy” woman:



Now, here’s my thing: she’s not an ugly woman. But, to call this woman “hot” and “sexy” is just out and out bullshit – unless you have a meter maid fetish (which I’m sure is not unheard of. If there are people out there who like to get shit on during sex, I have no problem believing there are people out there with meter maid fetishes).

My whole point with this show is that it just emphasizes how sad the state of television is. Have we gotten to the point that we’d rather watch meter maids working than go outside and do something – anything? For the love of crimeny, give those writers their dues and get them back in the office! Shows about meter maids? In PHILADELPHIA of all places? You can’t even do it in some place interesting like San Francisco? At least then you’d see some real characters. Philadelphia is just too normal for any reality TV programming. (I think that’s the biggest compliment the City of Philadelphia has ever received.)

Anyway, if you want to feel a deep sense of shame for wasting 30 minutes of your life on such inane garbage, new episodes of “Parking Wars” are on A&E at 10:00PM EST, 9:00PM CST, and they play reruns throughout the week (especially since “Dog the Bounty Hunter” had to be a total douche and open his big, fat trap using the N-word. I’m still so frickin’ pissed off at that. Dang it, fellow whiteys, you can’t use that word – EVER! When are some of you gonna learn?! GAH!!!!!!!! HULK SMASH!!!!!)

Sorry, total side rant.

Again, I implore the Hollywood “Big Wigs” to just suck it up and give the writers their fair share. All you have to do is look at the current crop of programming to know that, ultimately, you’re in the wrong here.

If I’m going to waste hours of my life in front of the TV, I at least want it to be with quality programming… yes, I know that’s an oxymoron, me saying I want “quality” television. “Craptastic” is a quality.

Cheers,

E

To Post or Not to Post?

So, I wrote this really deep blog... well, at least in my opinion it's pretty deep. I was all ready to post it when I thought to myself, "Do I really want to do that?"

You see, my position at work has an unofficial "24 Hour Rule". That is, if someone does something to royally piss me off, it's highly advised that you write everything down, save it, and check it in 24 hours to see if it makes sense, or if it's just a raving, insulting, sarcastic piece of garbage that will unleash a e-mail chain of bitterness and hatred throughout the office.

Well, while I don't think this post will do that, I'm still applying the 24 hour rule to it. It deals with the topic of forgiveness. I was dealing with some serious emotions that got stirred up in me this morning.

But, after reading through the blog a couple of times, I don't know if I'm ready to post it. Heck, I don't even know if it makes all that much sense.

So, instead I'm posting a blog about whether or not I should post a blog. Yup, this is what my life has come to.

On a completely different subject, after reading Mr. Ron Mexico's commentary on "Celebrity Rehab" on VH1, I decided to give it a shot.

"Riveting" doesn't even begin to cover this show.

Most of you know about my exceptionally shitty taste in television. While this show is filled with trainwrecks, it's actually really GOOD trainwreck TV. (Yes, there is such a thing.) You really feel for all of these celebrities. You find yourself rooting for them... and also thinking that Dr. Drew should be up for sainthood when he leaves this earth.

Anyway, the weekend is almost here, and I'm very glad for it. I did my first "week-long" blogging. I think I'll try and keep up the pace.

And, as a parting gift for sticking with me all this week, I offer you an end-of-the-week collection of "gems" that I found as of late...

And I yours, Empathy Bear. And I yours...

There's a whole fleet of these assholes around the area where I work.

FACT.

and just for the hell of it...

Cheers,

E

One of a Bajillion Ways that YouTube Has Changed My Life

So, when I first heard of YouTube, I knew it was going to be huge. A medium for American teenagers to act like ass-hats and have people pay attention to them? Where do I invest my life savings?!

Little did I know it would actually provide me with some of the sweetest, happiest surprises when I stumbled upon this semi-underground, Classic Sesame Street clips group.

I can’t tell you how many comments I’ve seen on these videos with people saying how much finding an old piece of their childhood meant to them. People swear to be weeping with joy over finding something as silly as a clip of their favorite Ernie & Bert skit.

It’s such a cool community, and I’m really looking forward to adding some of my own material to it. I have several old episodes still on VHS. All I need is my Dad’s help in converting them to DVD format, then I can work on them myself with my handy dandy latest version of Adobe Premiere Pro. (BOO-yah!)

That being said, there are some TRIPPY ASS skits from the old Sesame Street episodes! (They stopped showing all pre-1990’s content in 1992. I’ve heard different stories as to why, but I digress.)

Seriously, do you all remember any of these? I remember watching them back then with such innocence. But, now that I’m older… well, I hate to corrupt idyllic childhood memories, but these animators & muppeters had to be seriously baked while creating a number of these sketches.

Here are a few of my personal, psychedelic favorites below:

Indian Raga 20

Jazzy Spies #2

And, my absolute personal favorite one for no other reason that this is pretty much an exact replica of how my brain operates. (Visualizing Shapes)

No joke – I laughed out loud repeatedly during that last one. That’s exactly what it’s like inside my head ALL DAY LONG.

(I know, I scare myself, too, sometimes.)

No wonder I grew up to be such a hippie! Can I go work for Sesame Street? Clearly they’ve got some of that legendary, Amsterdam-grown sticky icky over there. Hell, they can pay me in that – smoke some, supplement my income with the rest.

Seriously, I could watch this ish all day. Do your inner child a favor, and visit these people’s YouTube channels. I personally guarantee you at least 15 minutes of pure, unadulterated joy:

ISNorden

MStatz

Wattamack4

Cheers,

E

PS: Just because it’s such a classic… =)

Online Gem (Jan. 23, 2008)

So, this is a new section I’d like to introduce. You see, I’m a nerd. And, being a nerd, I love searching the Internet for random amusements.

Every now and again, I come across a true “online gem” – something so weird, amusing, or depressing that I just have to share it with others.
Today, I would like to introduce my very first posted online gem: www.despair.com.

Despair.com is a site that specializes in bitter, depressing, “demotivational” gifts for your pessimistic and/or dark-humored loved ones. My favorite items on their site are the Demotivators®.

You know those stupid, sappy, “inspirational” posters that people in middle management always have plastered on their walls, right above their pictures of them being all “buddy buddy” with some congressman currently under investigation for embezzlement, sexual harassment, or child porn?

Well, Demotivators® are the realist’s answer to $19.95 inspiration.

Here are a few of my personal favorites:

And, of course...

Here’s the direct link to their Demotivators® line: http://www.despair.com/viewall.html

AND NOW, FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

In other news, if you’re a lazy fat ass at my gym who’s only going for the month of January for a New Year’s resolution that you have no intention of following through with, can you please go the fuck home now and not come back?

Don’t get me wrong – if you’re actually going to stick with the program and get in shape, then by all means stay. Heck, I’ll even help spot you and/or chat with you about Deal or No Deal while on the elliptical. Watching your progress from my treadmill spot is inspiring to me.

But, if all you’re going to do is dick around by the water fountain filling up three bottles during the kickboxing class’s 5 minute water break, or walk at a 1.5 mph speed on the treadmill, or use up your “3 free sessions with a personal trainer” by taking up valuable parking space and then half-assing your way through all of the exercises, then get the hell out of my gym. I’m cranky, I need parking, and the last thing I want to do is to fight juiced-up, tiny-peckered ‘roid ragers for the next free treadmill.

Man, I can’t wait ‘til February.

And, on that happy note, allow me to leave you with a lovely sentiment from Despair.com:

Cheers,

E

So, That's the Way It's Gonna Be, Huh?

The Patriots vs. the Giants. Good thing I’m not a betting woman – I’d have lost a whole lot of money on that one.

See, what my little, naïve heart was hoping for was Super Bowl LXII to be a showdown between the Chargers and the Cowboys – Chargers beating the Cowboys, of course. I won’t even go into the spectacle that would have provided for America. It was clearly never meant to be.

Had I bet, I would have bet the Patriots vs. Green Bay in Super Bowl LXII, and I would have given my figurative left nut to watch Favre wipe the smug ass grin off of Brady’s face with a Super Bowl win.

Again, it was clearly never meant to be – at least not this season.

So, we’re down to my (and truly America’s) most loathed team against the NY Giants. Eli Manning has about as much personality as a tranquilized horse, but I can still tolerate him a lot more than Brady and Seau.

If… OK, let’s be honest, WHEN the Patriots win Super Bowl LXII, I am going to be physically unable to watch Brady and Seau lift up that trophy. I’ve come way too far through years of therapy to relapse into another mental breakdown. (Yes, I said it – ANOTHER mental breakdown.)

On the other hand, we have the Giants. Really, I’ve never cared for them one way or the other. Eli Manning is a wet mop, but at least I genuinely like Michael Strahan.

All right… I never thought I’d say this but… *sigh*… Go Giants.

OK, the Dodgers fan in me just puked on my laptop. Let me rephrase that.

Go New York Giants.

… yes, that’ll do for now.

Cheers,

E

We're Officially Going!

Scott & I are officially going to Costa Rica this year! =D

First of all, I've got to tell everyone about the amazing airline ticket deal I got. Roundtrip tickets, Direct from LAX to San Jose, Costa Rica, taxes & fees & all hidden charges included... you know how much we paid?

$385 per person.

You bet your sweet ass I'll tell you where I got those tickets: www.airlineconsolidator.com.

The only thing is that we have to pay for the tickets up front. Still, though, we're going at the height of travel season travelling on weekends for $385. I mean, damn, it costs $650 per person to visit my family in Kansas!

So, we've got the airline tickets, and we booked our hostel room. It's a private room (so we don't have to share it with any strangers) with our own bathroom in downtown San Jose -- $16/night. (Booked through www.hostelworld.com)

Oh yes, ladies and gents -- I am the travel deal guru.

We'll wait until a month or so before the trip to book the actual day tours. I'm going through the various options online right now, mainly through www.viator.com. For sure we'll do a day in the rainforest and one of those canopy zip line tours.

So, that was the big news of the weekend! =D I know I have been slacking on the blog. It's because, for the first time in my life, I'm actually continually busy at work. (I know -- shocker, right?)

Scott and I call it "job security".

Anywho, I just felt like posting something, since it's been over two months since I last posted ish up here. I've got several ideas. Now it's just a matter of how much nerding out I'm going to feel like doing once I get home from work. Hopefully, I'll be back to my hating, complaining, and being an all-around friggin' a-hole online in the near future. O=)

Cheers,

E