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My First Video

2008-06-24T19:37:00.000-07:00

Juan and Nick at our office bet on the Detroit Tigers vs. San Diego Padres series. Whoever lost had to shave their head.

Well, Juan being the foolish man that he is bet on the Padres. And, being a hardcore Dodgers fan, I felt it was my duty to not only help humiliate Juan for the day, but to make sure that humiliation was available for all posterity.

So, I took video footage of the event, and had Mr. Scootz teach me a few video editing tricks. And, let me just say this -- if you thought the picture comments were bad, wait 'til you see what I'm now going to be posting on your pages. O=) I really enjoy video editing!

And, speaking of enjoy, I hope you enjoy...

Cheers,

A Glimpse Inside My Heart...

2008-06-20T18:37:00.001-07:00

I don't like the fact that I don't have time to write anymore. It's really starting to grate on my spirit.

Some things you just know in your heart that you're meant to do. You don't feel complete when you're not doing them. When you're not doing the things you were created to do, your world feels bleak and hopeless.

That's how I feel when I don't write… like my world is listless and that my life is becoming a pointless vacuum, just sucking up precious time and throwing it out with the rest of the dust.

How depressing. But, that's how I get when I don't write.

I've been in a funk all this week, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Scott & I were joking last night that I was going through a quarter-century crisis. While there probably is some truth to that, it's not so much that I'm becoming imminently aware of my own mortality. It's that I'm wasting what time I have with things that aren't important.

I'm slaving away at the office in Sales. How I ever ended up in sales, I'll never know. I guess it's because I'm really good at talking out of my ass. I'm good with words, and that helps me sell things.

But, it's not what I'm meant to do. I know that in my heart, but for the time being it's where I'm stuck. I have to make a living, and unfortunately this is what I have to do. It's draining, consistently disappointing, and requires a huge amount of up-front work in order to build any sort of client base and steady income.

I hate sales. I've come to this conclusion in the past few weeks. But, it's the only way I'm going to get ahead and be able to bring home a decent living. I'm not a doctor, and I'm not a lawyer, so I have to be a business woman.

But, my heart is sad. It's sad because I'm not doing what I'm meant to do. I don't want to waste my life selling things that don't matter. When people get so worked up around here about "bottom-line" and "meeting quarterly quotas", it just depresses and angers me. I just think about places like Sierra Leone, Rwanda, Darfur, Nazi Germany, Myanmar, and I am overwhelmed with the stupidity and borderline insulting pointlessness of all this stress and anxiety.

No one is going to die from not getting product in time. There aren't going to be any genocides due to Best Buy or Circuit City not getting their big orders in. We're not going to have an apocalyptic meltdown of our society because the reps didn't make their commission this month.

No, I can't be that person. I can't live my life being concerned about how much I'm selling, or what deal is coming in. I have to be during the hours of 8-5, M-F, but I can't be that person in my heart.

Last night, I wrote in my novel for the first time in 2 years. It felt… well, for a writer, I sure am coming up short on ways to describe it. I guess the best way to describe it was it felt like my heart was a POW stepping free onto home soil for the first time in years.

That's what it felt like – home. It felt right. It felt like I was actually doing something worth doing, as opposed to throwing precious time out, like tossing jewels out in the streets with the rest of the rubbish.

The Austin/Round Rock/Dell blog will be coming next week. I just felt that this was something I needed to put in writing, in case I ever forget again.

It's so easy to get swallowed alive by the things that don't matter. Negative energy/evil/Satan whatever name you give the negative of the world, has a way of consuming us with the inconsequential. It keeps us from the things that truly matter by throwing smokescreens of situations and issues that really don't matter in the long run. It kills us slowly from the inside out by keeping us from truly reaching our potential and what we are created to do and to be.

I know I need to refocus on what matters. God is good, and this isn't the first time He's rescued me from myself. I'd have given up a long time ago if it wasn't for Him. He's an awesome guy – you should try meeting him sometime, if you haven't gotten a chance to, yet…

Cheers,

Random Thoughts: Week of June 1, 2008

2008-06-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

I have some really random thoughts at times. Sometimes I wish I could tape record what goes on in my head so I could play it back to people.

… I think I just proved my point above.

Anywho, I do have a lot of random, crazy thoughts, but most of them are really frickin' funny. I should be a stand-up comedian, except that I don't like being broke and constantly away from home and loved ones. Other than that, though, it sounds like a fantastic lifestyle.

So, I think I'm going to start doing a "Random Thoughts" blog series. We'll see how often I do it. Work has been crazy, and doesn't allow me much time to write, which as frustrating as it gets sometimes is overall a good thing. If I'm busting my ass all of the time, it means we're still doing tons of business in tough times. That also means I'm an integral part of the company, and therefore have job security.

At least that's what I tell myself halfway down the vodka bottle.

* * * * * * *

I really think they need to come up with a new name for "Alcoholics Anonymous". I know no fewer than 5 people who have been through AA – that's not very anonymous if you ask me. Of course, they were all drunk when they told me, but still…

I think the new name of AA should be "Alcoholics Who Have Finally Done Something So Socially Reprehensible that People Have Actually Taken Time Away from their Daily Lives, Gotten Together in a Room, and Told Them to Quit Humping the Dog's Leg and Get Some Help Because Nana Made You Swear Before She Died that You'd Get Clean and You Still Haven't; and, Nana Can Still See You in Heaven, Especially When You Masturbate".

Granted, it doesn't fit on a Post-it note as nicely, but it's a whole heck of a lot more accurate.

* * * * * * *

I had to call a UK Cell phone for business the other day. Man, oh man – even their cell phone auto-responses sound classy.

Obviously, they have the lovely sounding British woman guiding you through the voicemail process. But, after you're done leaving your message and you press the sign, the lady says, "If you would like to DEPOSIT your message, please press 1 at any time."

Deposit! So much more elegant than, "To leave your message, press 1."

Yes, I notice this sort of crap.

* * * * * * *

The last 142 received calls in my cell phone are from my boss. I think that's a bad thing, right?

* * * * * * *

TRUE STORY: When I was about eight years old, someone asked me what the best thing about being an only child was. My answer? "I get everything in the will!"

I wish I could go back and spend one day with my childhood self. I was fucking awesome.

* * * * * * *

I never realized how posh my high school was until after I graduated. I think the moment of realization was when I was telling some friends that we had enough interested people to warrant both a junior high and a high school equestrian team, and you had to own your own horse to be part of either team.

That look on your face right now? Oh, believe me, I know it.

* * * * * * *

I'm not like other girls. I have a penis.

AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! No worries, I have people who can vouch from firsthand accounts that I'm just being an ass.

I have considered using that line before in the club, though… or on a really miserable first date. I'm just a jerk like that.

* * * * * * *

When I was in some lame ass class in college, we had to do some of those painfully insipid "icebreaker" questions. Various questions were being asked, but the most ridiculous one of them all was, "What vegetable do you think you're most like?"

I so desperately wanted that douche of a professor to ask me that one, so I could respond, "A potato – I make a fantastic vodka if left alone in a dark room for several weeks, and if you cut out one of my eyes and planted it you'd grow a whole new crop of me."

Alas, it was never meant to be. Instead I just confessed that my favorite color is purple and I'd be an eagle. That's not even what I would really be; I was just depressed at any sort of smart assery going to waste...

* * * * * * *

I don't know why kosher dill pickles are so much better than the gentile ones, but man they sure are!

* * * * * * *

TRUE STORY: When you're at a bridal shower, and you're playing the "How well do you know the Bride & Groom" game, and you get to the question about what their favorite foods are, don't be a smart ass and guess, "Kittens and Tears of Orphans". The vast majority of people will not find it nearly as funny as you did.

Trust me on that one.

Cheers,

Cheering Me Up

2008-05-14T14:25:00.000-07:00

So, as anyone who's had the misfortune of speaking with me in the past couple of weeks knows, work has been HELL for me as of late. Scott's job has been even worse.

Thank God for the "Internets":

JOY 1

At Gawker.com, they were inspired by the recent resurfacing of Bill O'Reilly losing his shit on Inside Edition. (And, honestly, who wouldn't be after viewing such a masterpiece?)

They came up with this montage of the all-time, top ten angry on-camera meltdowns by reporters. Brilliant is an understatement.

JOY 2

Below this brilliant piece of work, the comments section provides equally, if not even more so amusing footage of the legendary Casey Casem losing it on his programing director. Added Bonus: who names their dog "Shuggles"?

JOY 3

After seeing that, it reminded me of this classic footage I had once seen. (It has a bit of a long stretch intro, but the finale is the stuff of YouTube glory.)

JOY 4

Oh, that clip gets even better. See, someone was inspired enough to let grape stomping reporter be their muse. The following made Scott and I cry from laughing so hard:

JOY 5

As I signed on to MySpace to post these "Online Gems", I happened to see Ricky had posted a new blog.

Man oh man, that guy sure is the diamond mining king in the "online gem" mining industry: http://www.money.co.uk/article/1000390-13-year-old-steals-dads-credit-card-to-buy-hookers.htm

Seriously, there are so many quotables in that article, it's hard to pick just one.

"Ralph Hardy, a 13 year old from Newark, Texas confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his father's existing credit card company, and took his friends on a $30,000 spending spree, culminating in playing "Halo" on an Xbox with a couple of hookers in a Texas motel." (emphasis mine)

"Ralph had reportedly told police that his father wouldn't mind, as it was his birthday last week and he had forgot to get him a present."

I think this is my personal favorite here:

"Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a "World of Warcraft" tournament."

Although, this one is pretty fucking awesome, too:

"They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them."

And, here is the clincher:

"Ralph's ambition is to one day become a politician."

At 13 years old, Ralph Hardy is my hero. Not that I want to rent hookers to play XBox with me. But, to have such strong smart ass powers at such a young age, he is truly a jedi master.

CONCLUSION:

So, the world really isn't so bad... actually, it really is that bad. In fact, it's worse. But, dang it, at least I can be amused before the Fourth Horseman comes galloping through!

Cheers,

Most Awesome News Story This Month

2008-04-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

Balding Penguin Gets Wetsuit for Warmth

I would have never gotten a degree in English had I known that there were jobs like these in the world...

The only smart ass thing I have to say about this is I can't believe this is on the front page of AOL News. I mean, granted, this is the cutest/coolest news story I've seen in a long time. But, this is more important that the current elections, the Iraq War, and the utter plummet of the US Dollar worldwide... how now?

I can't help it. You win this time establishment media. That pengie in the jacket is indeed an effective "soma" to my Brave New World... at least for the next 15 minutes.

Balding pengies in wetsuit jackets = My New Calling in Life

Cheers,

Wedding Updates

2008-04-21T18:09:00.000-07:00

So, quite a few people have asked me about how the wedding plans are going. Here's an update of our impending wedding:

Q: HAVE YOU SET A DATE?

A: YES. We are getting married on Saturday, April 4, 2009. Reserve it!

Q: HAVE YOU PICKED THE CHURCH?

A: Yes – St. Philip the Apostle Church in Pasadena, CA. It's the Church where I was fully initiated into the Catholic Faith, and it's closer to the two sets of families than San Diego. We'll be having a full Mass wedding ceremony starting at 3PM.

Q: HAVE YOU PICKED THE RECEPTION SITE?

A: Kind of. We visited the University Club of Pasadena, which we loved. However, we were kind of nervous to just book it since it's the only place we've really taken a look at. We went ahead and put down a deposit with them for the date, and I let them know we'd be looking at other places in May to make a final decision. They were extremely gracious and let us know that was completely understandable, and we could get a full refund on our deposit up to 6 months before the wedding.

So, we'll know for certain in May. We've got three other sites to visit, and then we'll make a final decision. Still, it's very nice to know that whatever happens with the other three sites, we'll have at least made a reservation at a site that we both really liked.

Q: WHERE ARE YOU REGISTERED?

A: Well, technically we will be registered at Target and REI. But, even though we've started the Target registry, don't worry about looking for anything just yet. Scott and I have to sit down and go over what all we've put on both sites before we'll send out that info. But, thanks for already thinking about it!

Q: WHERE ARE YOU GOING ON YOUR HONEYMOON?
A: I think both Scott and I are more excited about the honeymoon than the wedding! LOL! We both love to travel, and we both want to go to so many places. It's going to be hard to decide.

A couple of itineraries we've looked at doing are a South American Adventure (Ecuador, Galapagos Islands, Fly down to Lima Peru, do Machu Pichu and the Amazon Rainforest); Thailand & Vietnam; and a "Family Heritage" tour in Ireland & Italy (we'd visit both Dublin & Rome, as well as the areas in Ireland and Italy that our families came from).

It might be one of those, or it might be something completely different. Whatever it is, though, we'll be ready & excited for it!

That's about it for now. I'll give more updates once I have them. I'll be creating one of those "wedding websites" eventually. I just have to get a spare minute here one of these days! Work is kicking me in the ass. I need a LOOOOOOONG nap, and I'll just leave it at that.

Cheers,

Just Wanted to Let Everyone Know...

2008-03-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

... that I saw a baby Meerkat at the SD Zoo this past Easter weekend with the Scootz and Christine -- and I now believe in love at first sight. I have a picture of it in my 2008 Pics Album, but it doesn’t do it justice.

Baby Meerkat = quite possibly the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. That’s saying A LOT coming from me.

Do yourself a favor and see a baby meerkat. It is a life-changing experience. I’m only being, like, maybe 37% sarcastic on that one. I will never be the same.

Cheers,

Engaged

2008-02-20T16:40:00.000-08:00

Yup, yup! 'Tis true. My overwhelming charm and propensity to cook dinner has officially clouded Mr. Scootz's mind long enough for him to propose to me. My evil plan worked -- and it's too late for him to turn back now! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

OK, so maybe that's not exactly how it went. I'll do my best to summarize here.

So, Scott had been planning this romantic, Valentine's Day weekend getaway since October. I figured he just wanted to make reservations early since Valentine's Day weekend for any hotels gets booked way in advance.

He had found this awesome place called Eden Paradise Retreat online in Julian, CA -- just outside of one of our favorite places in the world, the Anza Borrego Desert. It's a 16-acre property that you get all to yourself. It's got a 2-bedroom, 2-bath cabin on it with all of the amenities, including fully stocked kitchen and satellite TV.

Also on the property are several different types of animals. There are a pair of goats that you can walk (kind of), doves, golden pheasants, and araucana chickens that lay eggs that you get to cook when you stay there.

The property also has tons of hiking trails, and little hidden nooks all over the place with at least 5 different barbecue pits, lots of benches and chairs, and at least 3 fire pits that we saw. It's very cool.

Anyway, unfortunately that Thursday before the trip (Valentine's Day), I was getting really sick. But, since we had booked this trip since October of 2007, there was no way I was cancelling. So, on Saturday, we packed up the car and headed up the 8 East for a leisurely drive through the desert up to Julian and Eden Paradise Retreat.

We spent the day driving through the desert. We got a chance to get some lunch in Julian (which was super packed and way overcrowded due to President's Day weekend). It was really relaxing, and good for both of us just to enjoy the scenery. I was a very happy panda.

We got to the cabin about 30 minutes early, but the owner Doug was already there and very graciously checked us in early. After he showed us around the cabin and the property (including "goat time"), he left us two crazy kids to our own devices at the cabin.

Scott suggested that we have just a small glass of wine to celebrate. We were going to dinner at 7PM, and it was about 4PM, so I said "Sure". He sat me down on the couch in the sun room, facing sliding glass doors that opened out to our balcony and unobstructed views of the valley.

He had told me earlier in the week that he had a little Valentine's Day present he wanted to give me that weekend. I thought it was a bobble-headed penguin, or something of that nature, so I didn't really think much of it.

Well, at that point with our glasses of wine, he said he wanted to give me my present then. But, I had to close my eyes. Being the clueless rube that I am, I thought, "Wow. I guess it's a really BIG bobble-headed penguin then." So, I obligingly closed my eyes, and waited for him to tell me I could open them.

When he came back and let me know I could open my eyes, he waved his empty hands in front of me and said, "Ta dah!", which, because I am indeed such a nerd, I found quite amusing. He then kissed me on the forehead, and said to me, "You are the love of my life. You're my soul mate. And that is why I want to spend the rest of my life with you." *cue awwwwing on my part*

Then, he got down on one knee, and pulled a box from behind his back, or his pocket. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't really paying attention from whence it came, because once I saw him getting down on that knee, I knew what was coming.

He then opened the box with my beautiful engagement ring, and said to me, "Elizabeth *insert my horrible, Hicksville USA middle name that my parents so cruelly cursed me with that I can finally get rid of once I get married* Martin, will you marry me?"

Now, it's pretty hard to shut my loud, English major, vociferous & verbose ass up. But, the best I could manage was: "Uh, YEAH! Yes... yes! I'm trying to think of the 50 different ways one can say 'yes', but since I can't think of anything else, one hundred ten thousand percent yes!"

So, we're engaged now. Yeah! =D I'm so ridiculously happy. Scott is the love-of-my-life. I don't know how he manages to put up with me, let alone enjoy being with my crazy ass. But, God love him for it!

There's no date, yet. We both agreed we're just going to enjoy the newness of being engaged for a month or so, and then we'll figure out the logistics of this whole future wedding.

Any hoot, if you want to see all of the pictures from the weekend, feel free to visit the album I uploaded onto my Flickr account.

By the way, thanks so much to everyone who sent us well wishes. It means so much to us to be able to share this with all of our friends and family. I can't wait until we're actually married. But, in the mean time, I'm sure loving this whole engagement! =)

Cheers,

E

Forgiveness

2008-02-08T09:48:00.000-08:00

NOTE: Here is the blog I did on forgiveness 2 weeks ago. I think now that we’re in the first few days of Lent, it’s actually a really good time to post this. I have lightly editing it, but the bulk of what I originally wrote has stayed the same.

FORGIVENESS

I’m actually posting something serious today. (I know, so much less amusing than reality TV assessments, but I need to get some things off my chest… or at least out of my mind.)

I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older that more people hate me or have grudges against me. I understand it’s just par for the course – the older you get, the more people you meet, and the more opportunities you have to piss people off.

As a Christian, I try to actively practice forgiveness. I haven’t quite succeeded on all fronts, but I am indeed trying. I pray for people who have really hurt me, that God would bless them, forgive them for what they did to me, and also help me to forgive them.

It’s a freeing thing to forgive others; quite possibly the most freeing thing someone can do in his or her life.

I’ve been blessed to have a lot of people forgive me for wrongs that I’ve committed in my life. I’ve wronged each of my closest friends, and they’ve all forgiven me for it. My parents have forgiven me for horrible things that I’ve said to them. They’ve forgiven me for things that I’ve done that were so disrespectful and bordering on cruel.

I would take a bullet for any of them because of it.

But, as many people as there are that have forgiven me for things that I’ve done wrong in my life, there are plenty more who haven’t. They know who they are – even if they’ve never directly come out and said that they are angry at me still.

I know it in my heart; and, it truly breaks me to the core.

I’ve said it before to people, but perhaps I haven’t said it firmly enough. Maybe I haven’t said it clearly enough.

But, to everyone whose feelings I have hurt, or who I may have disrespected, please believe me when I say I AM SORRY. I’m sorry for hurt feelings. I’m sorry for any disrespect that I might have directed towards you. I’m sorry if I misspoke without taking into account your side of the story or your feelings.

I’m sorry that I’m not a better person. But please believe me when I say that I pray every day that I will be.

I really wish it could be different. Unfortunately, sometimes you can never do enough to earn someone’s forgiveness.

I’ve encountered this from many people in my life. These people don’t talk about me to my face. I wish they did, though. I can deal with being confronted. And you know what? Typically once we do and everything is out in the open, we’re able to forgive one another.

What is the far worse is having to deal with people who act like nothing is wrong, instead choosing to take the passive-aggressive route. Things such as always declining your invitations, and not including you in theirs; answering your attempts at conversation in four words or less; taking condescending tones when speaking with you; ignoring you when you’re in the room; whispering about you when they think you can’t hear them – these are the most painful things to deal with, in my opinion.

Knowing that people are still angry at me, even to the point of hating me, whether it’s been 2 months or 17 years, it is one of the most difficult things for me to deal with.

At the end of the day, though, I don’t have a problem with forgiving people for any ill will that they may direct towards me. I know I have been in the wrong many times in my life. And, even if I truly believe I wasn’t, I still understand how people can feel wronged, even if there was no intent.

For me forgiving others is not my problem. My problem is I can’t forgive myself.

I still feel bad for things I did decades ago. I still feel bad about things that people have long since forgiven me for – some things that they weren’t even upset about in the first place.

The one person in this world I’ve never been able to forgive in my heart on at least some level is me. It eats me inside when old issues flare up, and I have to confront the fact that people out there are still angry and spiteful towards me.

I hate the fact that I have caused others to hate me; and, it leads to me being unable to forgive myself for what I’ve done – especially when the people that I’ve hurt won’t forgive me.

I guess what I really have to grab a hold of is the fact that even if people cannot forgive me, God can – and in fact already has, is doing so, and will continue to do so until I no longer am part of this world, but entirely of His.

Wow – even just typing that sentence made me feel a whole lot better. =)

God does forgive, and it is through his forgiveness that we are able to forgive. Whatever theology you believe in, that fact remains true: By receiving forgiveness, you are able to forgive.

It’s a long journey that I’ve been on. I don’t really talk a lot about the road I’ve taken to get here… partly because I’m ashamed at some level, partly because I know there are billions of people who have been through far worse, partly because I never want to relive those days.

The point in this blog here is that I truly believe that forgiving others, and accepting the forgiveness of others is the one of the most healing, freeing things that anyone can ever experience in this world. It is only by truly accepting forgiveness (from God, from others, and even from yourself) that we are able to fully understand forgiveness and its life changing properties.

There is an example that was burned into my mind several years ago that I feel summarizes this whole point.

Many of you may remember the “Green River Killer”, Gary Ridgway. He was known at the time as America’s Deadliest Serial Killer. He confessed to killing 48 women, most of them prostitutes – though actual estimates of his killings are much higher.

I remember watching a news clip back when he was being sentenced. Relatives and friends of the murdered women, one after one came up and unleashed their pain and fury. And, who could blame them? This man raped, tortured, and brutally murdered their mothers, daughters, sisters, granddaughters, aunts, and friends. The fact of the matter was he deserved every last ounce of their anger and hatred.

Through each of these encounters, he looked each of the accusers in the eye with a stone cold look of acceptance. No remorse, no compassion, just acceptance of their hatred and anger.

And, none of those people left feeling any better. This sick man had taken a cherished person from them. All the pain that they unleashed on him did nothing to change him. He still sat there with cold acceptance. People hated him. He knew it, he knew he deserved it, and he accepted it with indifference.

Then, an old man walked up to the podium. He had a long, shaggy grey beard and was wearing simple clothes that looked like a farmer’s outfit. He spoke with a quiet voice of his working as a “Santa Claus” in his community.

His name was Robert Rule. His daughter had been one of the victims of Gary Ridgway.

What happened next was quite possibly one of the most moving things I’ve ever seen in my life.

See, that is the power of forgiveness there. What Mr. Rule did was probably one of the most courageous, difficult, merciful things I’ve ever seen in my life. And the effects were immediate – he reduced a cold, hardened, serial killer to tears.

It’s things like this that make me want to be a better person. It’s things like this that make me want to forgive everyone who has wronged me; because, the truth of the matter is, Mr. Rule is the only one who walked out of that courtroom with any sense of peace and closure in his heart.

Regardless if I can ever be forgiven by certain individuals, I can move forward knowing that I am forgiven by the One whose forgiveness is most precious, and I in turn can move forward forgiving everyone who has wronged me.

Do I wish things could be different? Absolutely. I wish that everyone in the world that I’ve ever met liked me and was on good terms with me.

But, it’s never going to be like that – at least not here on this earth. What I have to hold on to, and what I think has the biggest lesson that I’ve learned thus far this year is to grab a hold of the forgiveness given to you, and in return give it back to all who have wronged you – regardless of whether or not people do the same for you. Do it, and you’ll see your life transformed in ways that you never could have imagined.

Anyway, sorry this is not a more amusing blog. If you quit reading halfway through… well, then you’re probably not reading this sentence, so never mind.

If anything I’ve said here has offended you, or if I sound too preachy, or if it sounds like I don’t care how others are feeling about me, or if I sound like I think I’m so awesome and/or better than others because I’m working on forgiveness, please know that is not at all my intent.

Please… do forgive me. O=)

I write this because finding forgiveness is truly the path to freedom. Religions are founded upon it. Relationships are healed because of it. People are free to live because of it.

I write this because I want EVERYONE to find it – wherever it may be.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Hopefully, I’ll be back to the usual, inane crap on Monday. But, truly, I thank you for reading this far. As a reward, and to lighten the mood, here are some awesome LOLCats. (I know, totally off-topic, but I feel that LOLCats are always an appropriate gift.) O=)

Cheers,

E

I'm Tired

2008-02-07T11:48:00.000-08:00

I’m really tired. Normally, that would be a bad thing. But, for me, it’s a wonderful thing.

I’ve had terrible insomnia since I was about 16. I’ve never been able to sleep without some sort of medication since then.

Mercifully, God helped me to get off of the “prescription” stuff quite some time ago. Now, I just take the over-the-counter Unisom, and it does the trick typically after about an hour from taking it.

I know that sounds like a lot, but it’s better than not sleeping at all.

Lately, I’ve been getting concerned that the Unisom has lost its efficacy. I was feeling sleepy all day, but once it was evening, I perked right up and got so filled with energy that I could not fall asleep for the life of me.

It was getting so bad that it would take over 2 hours to fall asleep. Not being able to sleep, and having your mind wander off and just continue to ramble about random shit is beyond frustrating.

So, I came up with an official “action list” in case I was indeed becoming immune to Unisom.

I spent way too long being overmedicated on prescription pills. Now that I’m finally down to pretty much 1/10 of what I used to use, I have absolutely no desire to go onto any more prescriptions. (The ones I’m on now are for innocuous things like my asthma and skin care medications.)

Ultimately, if I can’t fall asleep with the over-the-counter help any longer, I’m just not going to sleep. Period. I can’t emphasize enough how much I can’t stand the amount of pills being pushed on Americans these days. I hate that I even have to be on the ones I’m on!

If it’s a choice between sleep and prescription pills, or no sleep and no prescription pills, then I’m ordering the DVD set of “Insomniac with Dave Attell” and making an all-nighter out of it.

Fortunately for me, after approximately two weeks of averaging just a few hours of sleep per night (since I tend to wake up at least 3-4 times a night for anywhere between 10 minutes to an hour on really bad night), I’m finally tired.

YEAH!!!! =D

Last night, I went to bed at about 9:30PM, and I was asleep before 10:30. I only got up once for about 15 minutes. That’s dang near close to a miracle as far as I’m concerned.

Even with that, I’m still a bit tired today at work. But, that’s good. I want to be tired. My only hope is that I feel more tired once I get home.

Anyway, that’s why I didn’t write anything yesterday – I was actually tired when I got home! =)

Sorry this isn’t a typical, E-humored blog. I’m just so happy that I’m sleepy again, AND that I’ve come so far from where I was for so long with the overmedication. NEVER AGAIN! =)

Cheers,

"Super" Tuesday

2008-02-05T20:16:00.000-08:00

Was there ever any doubt?

Yes, folks, it’s “Super” Tuesday – as in “Today we don’t vote between a turd sandwich and a giant douche. We vote between SEVERAL turd sandwiches and giant douches. Super! Oh yeah, and it's Tuesday.”

Giant Douche all the way!

Does anyone else find it ironic that this falls on the day before Lent starts?

So, I’ve thought long and hard about who I’m going to vote for. But, in the end it doesn’t matter because I moved recently, and was unable to re-register at the new address in time for the Primaries. Poop.

Oh well, I’ll be there for the general elections.

As for the remaining candidates, I’ve made my picks for the ones I like for each party.

REPUBLICAN: RON PAUL

PROS: I know a lot of people have pretty much written off Ron Paul due to the Mainstream Media’s all but complete lack of coverage of him. But, Ron Paul is the only Republican that’s actually a Republican – you know, smaller government, more personal responsibility, fewer taxes, and less international interference?

Sounds pretty nice, right? But, I know a lot of you are saying, “That’s not a Republican!”

Actually, it’s what a Republican was up until Bush I came into office. (I don’t like Reagan, but at least he was somewhat more adherent to traditional Republican viewpoints before Bush I and crew went off on a total NeoCon tangent.)

Do yourself a favor and go to RonPaul2008.com, and just look at what his viewpoints are and what he wants to do if elected to office. I really believe that if people took the time to look into what his action plans are, and the future he wants to bring to America, he’d be way ahead in the polls.

If nothing else, this man loves our country, loves the ideals it was founded upon, and he embodies a passion for the TRUE America that so many of us have either forgotten, or are too young to have ever experienced.

CONS: The only bad thing I’ve heard anyone have to say about Ron Paul is some reporter accused him of saying something racist back a few decades ago. That actually really disturbed me for a bit.

However, then the President of the Austin Chapter of the NAACP came right out and said, “Ron Paul is not a racist.” And, seeing how the NAACP is definitely not one to just give out “free passes” to people accused of saying something racist, I took this as a huge confirmation that what he was accused of was indeed false.

The only other “con” about Paul is that there has been such a purposeful blackout by the media on covering his campaign that most voters have no idea who Ron Paul is; and, those who THINK they do just think he’s a whack-job due to some of the grassroots tactics of his supporters.

I don’t think he’ll win – and it’s a shame, for the record. However, I really feel this is only the beginning of a revolution that Paul and his campaign have started. I’m so happy someone of his record, integrity, and views is running. And, I’m even more happy to see how huge the response has been from the American Public.

DEMOCRAT: Barack Obama

PROS: I’m not even going to lie – I REALLY like Obama. I like that he's fresh, young, and represents the new voices of America, instead of the tired ones on the way out (God willing).

People keep saying, "Oh, he doesn't have much experience." To them I say, "Who would you rather have in charge of your bank? Someone who has been assistant manager at a nearby branch for a year, or a professional thief of 35 years?"

See, it's not the number of years that counts -- it is the quality of those years. And in Barack Obama's time in the Senate, he's done more for human rights, justice, and to be a voice for America's voiceless than Hilary Clinton has in her entire "35 Years" in office.

Obama has youth, spirit, passion, and a vision. Many people compare him to Bobby Kennedy, and I definitely can see why. He definitely is the face and the voice of the next generation of Americans.

CONS: The only issue I have with Barack Obama is I don't feel like I really know enough about specifically HOW he is going to produce the results that he is speaking about in his campaign.

That is my one fear with him -- that he'll bring about so much hope for the future, and then not have a strategy to make our goals a reality.

However, I do have confidence in him. Looking at what he's done in his short time in the Senate, I believe his character is strong, and that he could lead this country to greatness once again.

SPECIAL E RANKING OF CANDIDATES

Fuck CNN and their "Exit Polls". For one thing, how do we know they're not making "results" up? It's not like the voting machines are exactly reliable.

No, ladies and gents, instead I choose to create my own "graph".

I present to you...

PERCENTAGE OF CHANCE THAT I'LL MOVE TO CANADA IF THIS CANDIDATE WINS THE 2008 ELECTIONS

1. Mitt Romney (99.9%) --> God help us.
2. Hilary Clinton (95%) --> Even a bigger "God help us", because I'm predicting she'll take the whole thing.
3. John McCain (80%) --> 20% off in the event that he grows a pair and quits being the official "Salad Tosser" for the Bush Administration
4. Mike Huckabee (50%) --> I think he's a genuine, good person, even though I disagree with almost all of his politics. At least if he was president I could trust him and know he was doing what he thinks is best for America -- even if it was what I know is worst.
5. Barack Obama (5%) --> Again, my only concern is that he's all talk and not enough action. I'm confident he's the real deal, though.
6. Ron Paul (5%) --> He gets a 5% rating in the rare event that he actually turns out to be crazy. Again, I'm confident he's the real deal.

Anyhoot, that's my assessment of the whole thing. I sure hope either Ron Paul or Barack Obama take the whole thing. However, I'm sure the Neo-Con shills that have been running this nation (into the ground) for the past 30+ years aren't going to give up without a fight.

I really don't want a Bush/Clinton dynasty. Do you? No seriously, do you? I actually have some friends that do (mainly on the Clinton side, but there are a few die-hard Bushies out there that make me question why I am still friends with them).

Happy Voting!

Cheers,

E

Team of Desti -- NOT!

2008-02-04T19:32:00.000-08:00

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

*breathe*

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Well, look at what we have here! The New York Giants are the Superbowl LXII Champions!

Eli Manning is still a total douche, but Michael Strahan's my man. You can put on Mary J. Blige's sequined dress and heels and burst into "Just Fine", and I still don't give a dang. Any man who sacks Tom Brady like this gets my full support:

And look at what else we have here: Bill Belichick being a sore loser! Surprise, surprise. Looks like he's got a lot of thinking to do while (hopefully) washing that grubby ass, disgusting, shredded rag of a sweatshirt he wears.

Am I wrong, or am I right here, folks?

Ladies and gents, I am the very definition of schadenfreude today. >=)P

Cheers,

Random Thoughts on a Friday Night

2008-02-02T09:58:00.000-08:00

Friday was a really busy day for me, so I didn't post a blog. I know, I suck.

But, even though I was at home at the 'rents house alone on a Friday night (a rare occassion, just for the record), I couldn't bring myself to post a blog. I was having some deep thoughts.

By "deep" I mean just the standard, run-of-the-mill random, crazy crap that inevitably floats through my mind.

So, around 1AM I decided to just write down some of the random thoughts that came to mind. I choose to share them here because:

A.) They're amusing to me;
B.) I have a feeling they'll be amusing to you; and,
C.) I don't have any better blog ideas this morning, and I'm going to lunch Ichi-Ban and shopping with the gals in a couple of hours.

Enjoy!

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON A FRIDAY NIGHT

One thing I hate more than anything in this world is sausage. Who the hell thought up sausage?! I’d hate to be part of that mental conversation:

“Hey self, you know what would be a great idea? How about we get a penis shaped sack of dried intestine skin, fill it with all of the leftover body parts of animals (and maybe a bit of their hair and feces), and sell it to people sealed in a bag of its own fermenting juices in packs of 8, while selling the necessary buns in packs of 10!”

There’s nothing wrong with the above thinking. It’s called a hot dog. But, then they had to go and add all of those funky spices and ruin a perfectly good thing. Who fucked that up? I’m looking at you GERMANY.

For the record, I’m a vegetarian.

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I don’t understand why it takes my bank 3-5 days to process a payment I make from my checking account there to my credit card account there. What’s going on in there? How much time does it take money from you and give it to yourself? My best time was 2 seconds.

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I really like puppets. I don’t know why. I think it’s because when they talk, they look like me.

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I really hate clowns. Who laughs at clowns? You know who laughs at clowns? No one – because clowns aren’t funny.

Who thought the concept of clowns would be funny? How’d that thought process go?

“Hey, I’ve got an idea to make people laugh! First, I’m going to put creepy make-up on my face that makes “Buffalo Bill” from Silence of the Lambs look like a kindergarten teacher.

“Then, I’m going to blow up balloons and twist them into knots to make them look vaguely like objects – mainly genitalia.

“Then, I’m going to put on some shoes that are way too big for me, rainbow suspenders, and a bright red afro wig, which will look great against my hospital white, painted face.

“Finally, I’m not going to talk, but instead make largely exaggerated faces and movements. Surely, that will give people the chuckles – especially little children who are right in the midst of the years when they’ll be forming all of the phobias that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.”

WRONG. The only time people laugh at clowns is when they get hurt and it’s clearly not part of the act. Stick that in your balloon and blow it.

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I never think about hypothetical questions hard enough. I was asked once if I could do one thing, and knew I wouldn’t fail at it, what would I do.

My immediate answer was, “Steal a penguin from Sea World and keep it as my pet.” Then I thought about for more than 3 seconds, and I was like, “Ah man! I mean bring about world peace!”

But, it was too late. I was already stuck with a confused penguin wondering how it got in my bathtub for my one lasting accomplishment in this world – hypothetically.

For the record though, it was totally worth it.

Cheers,

E

Do You "Get It"?

2008-01-31T20:06:00.000-08:00

It has become more and more clear to me that in this world there are two types of people -- people who "get it", and people who don't.

If you just asked yourself, "Get what? What is the 'It' that I'm supposed to get?", that's a really good sign that you don't "get it".

Almost all of my friends "get it". There are a few who don't, but all of my really close friends "get it". It doesn't mean I don't like people who don't "get it". It just means that they are inferior.

If you were insulted by that last comment, clearly you don't "get it". I'm being sarcastic... sort of.

One of my friends who REALLY "gets it" is Christine. It's not something she learned, as you can't learn how to "get it" from books, or school, or even life experience. She just has an extremely high "getting it" aptitude.

Here's a perfect example. Christine and I understand that drawing hats on pictures of birds is hilarious. Therefore, we can send the following to one another...

(Christine's)

(Mine)

... and we both get it. This is highly amusing to the two of us. If you're laughing at this, you're set.

Another one of my friends with a high "getting it" aptitude is Ricky. Just yesterday he sent me the following link: http://theendofhumor.blogspot.com/.

If you're not laughing at this point, I'm not quite sure why you're still reading.

Here's an easy test for if you get it or not:

If you are laughing your ass off at the above picture, then congratulations! You "get it". If not, resign yourself to enjoying Jay Leno. It's not a completely horrible fate... just mostly horrible.

I saw a comedy special this weekend that was truly amazing. Now, granted, I was quite "unsober" (and I'll leave it at that), but I'm wondering if it's still as funny now that I'm back in this galaxy.

Anyway, the comic was Daniel Tosh, and it was pretty much the most hilarious, awesome show I've seen in years. Seriously. This dude has a genius level IQ in the "getting it" type of intelligence. I'm going to watch his clips on his MySpace right now, and see if he's nearly as funny not totally baked. I'll let you know.

Yes, I know that might seem to some like an odd way to end a blog. If you think that, then you don't "get it".

Cheers,

Can I Ask a Question?

2008-01-30T19:51:00.000-08:00

When is the right time to tell one of your customers to “fuck off and die”?

See, I’ve been dealing with this company that shall remain nameless (for the time being) because they are an investor in the company I work for. Since they are a major distributor, we not only have deal with their dumb asses, but we also have to deal with their clients’ even dumber asses.

Now, I’ve worked in Sales and Customer Service all of my working career now. I’ve met some pretty big douches in this world via these positions, and it’s been rare that I’ve even ever told a customer flat out that they’re wrong or that I can’t do something for them.

I’m pretty darn tempted to not only do so with this friggin’ a-hole, but to tell him that I hope he gets molested by a rabid orangutan.

Among his many offenses:

1. Asking me the same question a fourth time when I had already answered it THREE TIMES BEFORE, and the answer was there three times in the preceding e-mail body when he asked it the fourth time;
2. Placing a piddly order of approximately $15K and thinking we’re available at his beckon call 24/7;
3. Demanding samples be sent down to him “overnight” to Peru (Time Zones, anyone? Concept of how fast a plane travels and how big the world is, anyone? I told our Production Coordinator to include a globe with the samples.);
4. Demanding high resolution photos of products we’re sending to him for a magazine ad, then not having any software to view such print resolution quality photos;
5. Calling us “Team” in every e-mail. (We are NOT your team.)

The last straw for me was when I was purposely ignoring this moron (he’s from Peru, so I’ll call him “Idiot Peru Douche”; IPD for short), and he called my office phone incessantly. Every five minutes, I see some weird, Peruvian telephone number showing up on the Caller ID. (I’ve never been so grateful for it before this day.)

He then has the balls to e-mail me and say, “Do you have a cellphone number where I can reach you? I am trying with your office but have not been successful…Tks”

*blood reaches boiling point*

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me? You have a stupid ass question that I have already done everything I can do to answer and solve on your behalf (since you’re too stupid to do so yourself), and now you want to call my personal cell phone during my off-hours from PERU?!

This dude better hope I choose to do my Amazonian rainforest adventures in Brazil or Ecuador. Otherwise, I might have to make a brief stop-over in Lima to “do some business” of my own… Tony Montana style.

And, anyone who is too lazy to spell out the word “Thanks” deserves to drown in a vat of their own boiling stomach acid.

IPD, would you kindly,

FUCK OFF AND DIE!

Cheers,

(Quite Possibly) "The Freakiest Thing I've EVER Seen!"

2008-01-29T19:49:00.000-08:00

I’ve seen some pretty crazy ish in my day. Not in person, of course, but via my love for craptastic television.

One great TV addiction I have is to the Discovery Health Channel. Have you guys seen some of the stuff on here? With show titles like, “The Half-Ton Man”, “Woman with Half a Body”, and “Pregnant for 37 Years”, I’m totally hooked. The human body is so flippin’ weird, and no matter how much we learn about it, we’re still so completely in the dark about what all goes on in our own bodies that it’s mind-boggling.

So, anyway, a friend sent me a link with the subject line: “Freakiest thing I have EVER seen”.

Now, I won’t reveal this person’s identity, just because he/she works at a very sensitive position. But, let me just give you a little background on him/her so you can understand my mindset when I read that subject line.

This person works at an AIDS clinic. His/her job, among other things, is counseling people who have been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS, and looking up & contacting their recent sexual partners so that he/she can let them know that someone they slept with has just been diagnosed with HIV.

So, when this person sends me something with the subject line “Freakiest thing I have EVER seen”, my initial reaction is, “Man, this has got to be some F-ed up ish right here.”

Oh man, was it ever.

Ladies and gentleman… how do I even introduce this clip? I’ve tried to find the words to delicately lay the situation out in front of you, dear readers. But, there really is no way to cushion this.

This man is turning into a tree.

You read that correctly – this clip is of “Half-Tree Man”. (Not to be confused with ManBearPig.)

I’m serious. The dude is growing roots from his hands and feet, and is growing “bark-like” lesions all over his body.

Hard to wrap your head around, huh? Well, take a look at the clip below to see what I’m talking about.

WARNING: This is potentially one of the most disturbing videos I have ever seen in my life. No one gets murdered or killed, and there’s no violence or rape. But, I highly encourage you to wait on viewing this if you have eaten within the hour or if you’re going to go to bed soon – or if you’re especially squeamish. Trust me – I watched this before bed last night and I couldn’t fall asleep for 2+ hours partially because I was so disturbed by this man’s condition.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Now, at first I debated even posting this because, obviously, the man’s condition is so severe that you can’t really joke about it. I mean, every time I see this, I have an uncontrollable urge to scratch my face and head.

However, there is not just good news for “Half-Tree Man” – there is great news!

The doctors who went to visit him in this documentary were able to diagnose his condition. It turns out all of these appendages are caused by HPV (Human Papillomaviruses), and were exacerbated by the fact that due to a genetic defect, the man (Dede) has almost no immune system. So, basically, the warts that come with HPV were allowed to run rampant by his body, and this is what resulted.

Even better news is it is easily treated. The doctors will give him synthetic Vitamin A to stop and shrink all of the wart growth. Once these lesions stop growing, they will fall off, and the more stubborn ones can be frozen and cut off.

While he’ll be permanently disfigured, at least he will regain movement of his hands and feet, and be able to live a normal life again. (Or, at least more normal than being a Half-Tree Man and having to appear in “Freak Shows” to support himself. Poor thing, God bless his heart.)

YEAH!!!!!!

And, on that note, I do have to say one smart ass thing about this since I know he's going to get better…

They mention that Dede’s wife abandoned him in the documentary. Now, normally I think it’s a horrible thing for a woman (or man) to do to abandon their spouse due to illness, or even if something horrible happens like they’re completely paralyzed from the neck down, or have their faces burnt off in a fire.

But, I can’t say a dang thing about Dede’s wife.

See, when you take those marriage vows, you say “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness in health, ‘til death do you part, for as long as you both shall live, etc., et al.”

But, you take those vows as a human being marrying another human being. I think all bets are off if they turn into another species. I’m sorry, but there’s “for better”, and then there’s “for worse”, and then there’s “for turning into a frickin’ tree”.

Once your spouse starts turning into a tree (and not in the good way, either), I say all bets are off.

That being said, I would still stay with the Scootz even if he started turning into a Half-Tree Man. First of all, I’m a tree-hugging, hippie, liberal douche; so, it’s not like I would really be changing my lifestyle all that much.

Second of all, I’m super loyal – to a fault even. I still support and love people, even though I know they’re vile douches deep down in my heart. I won’t name names, but if you’re reading this, you’re probably not one of them. =)

Third of all, and most important, Scootz is indeed my soul mate, the love of my life, and no matter what happened to him physically, I would stick by him. =) Ah dang it, that was totally a subconscious pun, wasn't it? Half-tree man... "stick" by him?

It's a curse, I tell you.

Anywho, back to the whole "Sticking-with-Scott-even-if-He-Turned-into-a-Half-Tree-Man" thing: I told him, there’s only two things that would make me leave him – a cheatin’ or a beatin’. So, as long as I didn’t find him with some other leafy tree skank, or he didn’t smack me upside the head with one of his root systems, we’d be all good.

So, Happy One and a Half Year Anniversary, babes! I dedicate my Half-Tree Man blog to you on this special day. No, no… you don’t need to say a word. I love you, too. O=)

Cheers,

E

New Lows in Television

2008-01-28T19:09:00.000-08:00

You KNOW if I’m typing those words that there has to be some serious crap out there.

So, I’m sitting on my ass watching TV on Saturday morning because, dang it, I’m a tax-paying, law-abiding American, and that’s what I choose to do. Don’t judge.

Anywho, I’m flipping through the channels of truly abysmal Saturday morning television, and lo and behold, I stumble upon the commercial that I believe summarizes the severity of this whole writers’ strike…

http://www.aetv.com/parking-wars/

Nope, this is no joke. A&E has come up with the truly brilliant idea of doing a reality TV show about PHILADELPHIA PARKING METER ATTENDANTS.

*cricket chirps*

Exactly.

So, because the instant I saw the commercial, I knew I was going to have to do a blog about this total pile of crap, I went ahead and watched a few minutes of it.

Wow. I haven’t been this enthralled since I watched my neighbor mow his lawn.

Basically, you follow these meter maids around, who are WAY nicer than any real meter maid that I’ve ever encountered. I am 100% certain these bitches are putting on an act for the camera, because as long as I’ve lived, I have never seen any meter maid let someone out of a parking ticket. They are far more tight-assed than even the Highway Patrol.

Anyway, so there was this scene where this not ugly, but certainly not hot meter maid lets this pretty darn good looking guy out of a ticket because a parking meter is broken. (Riveting television, I know.)

So, they interview this dude afterwards, and he’s saying, “Wow, she’s the nicest meter lady I’ve ever met. And, she was hot, too. I’m not gonna lie – she was sexy.” Allow me to post a picture of this “sexy” woman:

Now, here’s my thing: she’s not an ugly woman. But, to call this woman “hot” and “sexy” is just out and out bullshit – unless you have a meter maid fetish (which I’m sure is not unheard of. If there are people out there who like to get shit on during sex, I have no problem believing there are people out there with meter maid fetishes).

My whole point with this show is that it just emphasizes how sad the state of television is. Have we gotten to the point that we’d rather watch meter maids working than go outside and do something – anything? For the love of crimeny, give those writers their dues and get them back in the office! Shows about meter maids? In PHILADELPHIA of all places? You can’t even do it in some place interesting like San Francisco? At least then you’d see some real characters. Philadelphia is just too normal for any reality TV programming. (I think that’s the biggest compliment the City of Philadelphia has ever received.)

Anyway, if you want to feel a deep sense of shame for wasting 30 minutes of your life on such inane garbage, new episodes of “Parking Wars” are on A&E at 10:00PM EST, 9:00PM CST, and they play reruns throughout the week (especially since “Dog the Bounty Hunter” had to be a total douche and open his big, fat trap using the N-word. I’m still so frickin’ pissed off at that. Dang it, fellow whiteys, you can’t use that word – EVER! When are some of you gonna learn?! GAH!!!!!!!! HULK SMASH!!!!!)

Sorry, total side rant.

Again, I implore the Hollywood “Big Wigs” to just suck it up and give the writers their fair share. All you have to do is look at the current crop of programming to know that, ultimately, you’re in the wrong here.

If I’m going to waste hours of my life in front of the TV, I at least want it to be with quality programming… yes, I know that’s an oxymoron, me saying I want “quality” television. “Craptastic” is a quality.

Cheers,

E

To Post or Not to Post?

2008-01-25T15:25:00.000-08:00

So, I wrote this really deep blog... well, at least in my opinion it's pretty deep. I was all ready to post it when I thought to myself, "Do I really want to do that?"

You see, my position at work has an unofficial "24 Hour Rule". That is, if someone does something to royally piss me off, it's highly advised that you write everything down, save it, and check it in 24 hours to see if it makes sense, or if it's just a raving, insulting, sarcastic piece of garbage that will unleash a e-mail chain of bitterness and hatred throughout the office.

Well, while I don't think this post will do that, I'm still applying the 24 hour rule to it. It deals with the topic of forgiveness. I was dealing with some serious emotions that got stirred up in me this morning.

But, after reading through the blog a couple of times, I don't know if I'm ready to post it. Heck, I don't even know if it makes all that much sense.

So, instead I'm posting a blog about whether or not I should post a blog. Yup, this is what my life has come to.

On a completely different subject, after reading Mr. Ron Mexico's commentary on "Celebrity Rehab" on VH1, I decided to give it a shot.

"Riveting" doesn't even begin to cover this show.

Most of you know about my exceptionally shitty taste in television. While this show is filled with trainwrecks, it's actually really GOOD trainwreck TV. (Yes, there is such a thing.) You really feel for all of these celebrities. You find yourself rooting for them... and also thinking that Dr. Drew should be up for sainthood when he leaves this earth.

Anyway, the weekend is almost here, and I'm very glad for it. I did my first "week-long" blogging. I think I'll try and keep up the pace.

And, as a parting gift for sticking with me all this week, I offer you an end-of-the-week collection of "gems" that I found as of late...

And I yours, Empathy Bear. And I yours...

There's a whole fleet of these assholes around the area where I work.

FACT.

and just for the hell of it...

Cheers,

E

One of a Bajillion Ways that YouTube Has Changed My Life

2008-01-24T15:19:00.000-08:00

So, when I first heard of YouTube, I knew it was going to be huge. A medium for American teenagers to act like ass-hats and have people pay attention to them? Where do I invest my life savings?!

Little did I know it would actually provide me with some of the sweetest, happiest surprises when I stumbled upon this semi-underground, Classic Sesame Street clips group.

I can’t tell you how many comments I’ve seen on these videos with people saying how much finding an old piece of their childhood meant to them. People swear to be weeping with joy over finding something as silly as a clip of their favorite Ernie & Bert skit.

It’s such a cool community, and I’m really looking forward to adding some of my own material to it. I have several old episodes still on VHS. All I need is my Dad’s help in converting them to DVD format, then I can work on them myself with my handy dandy latest version of Adobe Premiere Pro. (BOO-yah!)

That being said, there are some TRIPPY ASS skits from the old Sesame Street episodes! (They stopped showing all pre-1990’s content in 1992. I’ve heard different stories as to why, but I digress.)

Seriously, do you all remember any of these? I remember watching them back then with such innocence. But, now that I’m older… well, I hate to corrupt idyllic childhood memories, but these animators & muppeters had to be seriously baked while creating a number of these sketches.

Here are a few of my personal, psychedelic favorites below:

Indian Raga 20

Jazzy Spies #2

And, my absolute personal favorite one for no other reason that this is pretty much an exact replica of how my brain operates. (Visualizing Shapes)

No joke – I laughed out loud repeatedly during that last one. That’s exactly what it’s like inside my head ALL DAY LONG.

(I know, I scare myself, too, sometimes.)

No wonder I grew up to be such a hippie! Can I go work for Sesame Street? Clearly they’ve got some of that legendary, Amsterdam-grown sticky icky over there. Hell, they can pay me in that – smoke some, supplement my income with the rest.

Seriously, I could watch this ish all day. Do your inner child a favor, and visit these people’s YouTube channels. I personally guarantee you at least 15 minutes of pure, unadulterated joy:

ISNorden

MStatz

Wattamack4

Cheers,

E

PS: Just because it’s such a classic… =)

Online Gem (Jan. 23, 2008)

2008-01-23T16:40:00.000-08:00

So, this is a new section I’d like to introduce. You see, I’m a nerd. And, being a nerd, I love searching the Internet for random amusements.

Every now and again, I come across a true “online gem” – something so weird, amusing, or depressing that I just have to share it with others.
Today, I would like to introduce my very first posted online gem: www.despair.com.

Despair.com is a site that specializes in bitter, depressing, “demotivational” gifts for your pessimistic and/or dark-humored loved ones. My favorite items on their site are the Demotivators®.

You know those stupid, sappy, “inspirational” posters that people in middle management always have plastered on their walls, right above their pictures of them being all “buddy buddy” with some congressman currently under investigation for embezzlement, sexual harassment, or child porn?

Well, Demotivators® are the realist’s answer to $19.95 inspiration.

Here are a few of my personal favorites:

And, of course...

Here’s the direct link to their Demotivators® line: http://www.despair.com/viewall.html

AND NOW, FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

In other news, if you’re a lazy fat ass at my gym who’s only going for the month of January for a New Year’s resolution that you have no intention of following through with, can you please go the fuck home now and not come back?

Don’t get me wrong – if you’re actually going to stick with the program and get in shape, then by all means stay. Heck, I’ll even help spot you and/or chat with you about Deal or No Deal while on the elliptical. Watching your progress from my treadmill spot is inspiring to me.

But, if all you’re going to do is dick around by the water fountain filling up three bottles during the kickboxing class’s 5 minute water break, or walk at a 1.5 mph speed on the treadmill, or use up your “3 free sessions with a personal trainer” by taking up valuable parking space and then half-assing your way through all of the exercises, then get the hell out of my gym. I’m cranky, I need parking, and the last thing I want to do is to fight juiced-up, tiny-peckered ‘roid ragers for the next free treadmill.

Man, I can’t wait ‘til February.

And, on that happy note, allow me to leave you with a lovely sentiment from Despair.com:

Cheers,

So, That's the Way It's Gonna Be, Huh?

2008-01-22T15:04:00.000-08:00

The Patriots vs. the Giants. Good thing I’m not a betting woman – I’d have lost a whole lot of money on that one.

See, what my little, naïve heart was hoping for was Super Bowl LXII to be a showdown between the Chargers and the Cowboys – Chargers beating the Cowboys, of course. I won’t even go into the spectacle that would have provided for America. It was clearly never meant to be.

Had I bet, I would have bet the Patriots vs. Green Bay in Super Bowl LXII, and I would have given my figurative left nut to watch Favre wipe the smug ass grin off of Brady’s face with a Super Bowl win.

Again, it was clearly never meant to be – at least not this season.

So, we’re down to my (and truly America’s) most loathed team against the NY Giants. Eli Manning has about as much personality as a tranquilized horse, but I can still tolerate him a lot more than Brady and Seau.

If… OK, let’s be honest, WHEN the Patriots win Super Bowl LXII, I am going to be physically unable to watch Brady and Seau lift up that trophy. I’ve come way too far through years of therapy to relapse into another mental breakdown. (Yes, I said it – ANOTHER mental breakdown.)

On the other hand, we have the Giants. Really, I’ve never cared for them one way or the other. Eli Manning is a wet mop, but at least I genuinely like Michael Strahan.

All right… I never thought I’d say this but… *sigh*… Go Giants.

OK, the Dodgers fan in me just puked on my laptop. Let me rephrase that.

Go New York Giants.

… yes, that’ll do for now.

Cheers,

E

We're Officially Going!

2008-01-21T17:53:00.000-08:00

Scott & I are officially going to Costa Rica this year! =D

First of all, I've got to tell everyone about the amazing airline ticket deal I got. Roundtrip tickets, Direct from LAX to San Jose, Costa Rica, taxes & fees & all hidden charges included... you know how much we paid?

$385 per person.

You bet your sweet ass I'll tell you where I got those tickets: www.airlineconsolidator.com.

The only thing is that we have to pay for the tickets up front. Still, though, we're going at the height of travel season travelling on weekends for $385. I mean, damn, it costs $650 per person to visit my family in Kansas!

So, we've got the airline tickets, and we booked our hostel room. It's a private room (so we don't have to share it with any strangers) with our own bathroom in downtown San Jose -- $16/night. (Booked through www.hostelworld.com)

Oh yes, ladies and gents -- I am the travel deal guru.

We'll wait until a month or so before the trip to book the actual day tours. I'm going through the various options online right now, mainly through www.viator.com. For sure we'll do a day in the rainforest and one of those canopy zip line tours.

So, that was the big news of the weekend! =D I know I have been slacking on the blog. It's because, for the first time in my life, I'm actually continually busy at work. (I know -- shocker, right?)

Scott and I call it "job security".

Anywho, I just felt like posting something, since it's been over two months since I last posted ish up here. I've got several ideas. Now it's just a matter of how much nerding out I'm going to feel like doing once I get home from work. Hopefully, I'll be back to my hating, complaining, and being an all-around friggin' a-hole online in the near future. O=)

Cheers,

E

A Peek Into Elizabethworld

2007-11-16T15:40:00.000-08:00

This is actually kind of a roundabout peek into Elizabethworld since really it involves my Mom.

If you've met my Mom in person, you know that she's flippin' hilarious. You also know that she's not quite all there, and that she drives me bat shit crazy at times because of this.

Finally, you know exactly how I ended up like this.

For those of you who don't know my Mom, though, I'm posting the first paragraph of her daily e-mail to me from yesterday. (I already got her permission, so don't even try the, "Oh, your poor Mom," bit with me.)

After reading this, go back to July in this blog and read my earlier "A Peek Into Elizabethworld" blog. It's like a frickin' time machine here, people.

PS: In case there is any doubt, I absolutely love and adore my mother. She cracks me up -- especially now that I don't live in the same house as her. O=D

MOM'S THURSDAY E-MAIL:

"Quick Sigh from Ol' Mom who is sweating after a short walk. Even on the West Side, it's warm! Did not see Ryan Seacrest today...probably told you a million times he works in the building across from us. For breakfast he has egg whites and spinach from deli downstairs, loves Baha Fresh and Koo-Ker-Roos, parks on level 2. I"m sure he sends staff "out" for food. His voice is more recognizable than his face, at least to me! bcc. bcc"

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my Mom is obsessed with Ryan Seacrest.

And, in case you're wondering, she actually meant "Baja Fresh" and "Koo Koo Roo".

Finally, "BCC" is the acronym my mother and I came up for her habit of "Boring Chit Chat". If you're not careful, she'll talk your ear off for hours about the history of irrigation in the Los Angeles Basin, Ryan Seacrest, and why she doesn't shop at TJ Maxx anymore.

Is it starting to make sense now? You're welcome.

Cheers,

E

It's 10PM -- Do You Know Where Your Local Veterans Are?

2007-11-14T11:37:00.000-08:00

BEYOND SAD

So, this is the first part of a three part “Elizabeth on her Soap Box” series. Bear with me, because I’ve actually got important things to say here for once.

Every now and again, I like to not be a complete asshole, and instead write about issues that actually have merit. (As opposed to any of my craptastic reality TV shows, Britney Spears, or the state of my neighborhood Starbucks.)

I read this article on CNN a few days ago. I was hoping to get this blog up in time for Veterans Day, but life has gotten crazy this month (mostly in a good way).

While normally trust CNN about as much as The National Enquirer, I do think that they’re reporting fairly accurately on this subject.

It was something that I already knew about; and, it’s something that I believe the American population in general knows about on some subconscious level. It’s something I’ve been meaning to focus more of the conscious part of my mind on for about a month or so, and just seeing this article really brought it to the forefront of my mind:

Here are some fucked-up facts for you:

- More than 25% of the American homeless population are U.S. Veterans
- Approximately 468,000 veterans experience “severe housing burden”, where over half of their income goes towards housing (thus making them highly susceptible to becoming homeless)
- Requested Iraq War Budget for Fiscal Year 2008: $155.5 Billion
- Expected Cost of Iraq War: Over $1 Trillion
- Requested Veteran’s Administration Budget for Fiscal Year 2008: $86.7 Billion
- Amount of money the VA specifically sets aside to deal with homeless veterans each year: $150 Million
- The VA (Veterans Affairs) houses approximately 100,000 veterans every year. While those 100,000 are surely better off thanks to such assistance, that leaves approximately 300,000 veterans (that we officially know of) homeless at any given time.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?!?!

As far as I’m concerned, there aren’t enough question marks and/or exclamation points available to express how much incredulity I feel with this question.

How on God’s green earth can this be happening? How can a country that prides itself on having the finest armed forces in the world allow 300,000+ veterans to be homeless?

Well, there is no easy answer. A few interesting facts that shed some light on the subject:

- 76% of homeless veterans experience alcohol, drug, or mental health problems
- According to "Is Homelessness a Housing Problem?" in Understanding Homelessness: New Policy and Research Perspectives, published by Fannie Mae Foundation in 1997, most homeless veterans are “…single, unaffiliated men…”, whereas most housing funds available in federal programs are geared towards “…helping homeless families or homeless women with dependent children…”
- Of all of the soldiers from the Iraq & Afghanistan Wars that have been diagnosed with PTSD (approximately 15-17% of them), only 23 to 40% (depending on the area) are seeking professional help, due in large part to the stigmas still attached to “mental illness”.
- Over 40% of reservists lose sources of income when called upon active duty.

These are just some of the many factors that lead to over 300,000 veterans being homeless. While there is no one reason for the cause of this problem, there really is no reason why this should be happening AT ALL in the first place.

SO… NOW WHAT?

The fact of the matter is that while the actual people working within the VA are overall compassionate, committed people who would love to eradicate homelessness amongst the veteran population, they’re stuck having to work with our government.

In case you’d like to get an idea of the kind of madness you encounter trying to work with the government, here’s a very useful link on Citizens Against Government Waste’s website as to what kind of ridiculous garbage the U.S. Govt. likes to spend its “pork” on, as opposed to, you know, serving the troops that serve us.

Ultimately, even the VA has turned to “veterans helping veterans” organizations and community based charities to help fight homelessness among the veteran community. According to the National Coalition for Homeless Veterans, “Programs that seem to work best feature transitional housing with the camaraderie of living in structured, substance-free environments with fellow veterans who are succeeding at bettering themselves.”

While the ultimate goal would be to get the U.S. government to spend its taxpayers’ dollars on helping the nation’s most vulnerable citizens, that’s not happening any time soon.

I don’t know what the exact solution is to this. It’s probably a multi-faceted program or series of programs that would need to be facilitated by both the federal and state governments, as well as local communities.

I do have a few ideas as to how individuals can help. There is always the option of donating to the organizations that are doing the most work and having the most success in fighting this epidemic, and volunteering at the local homeless shelter.

In the meantime, I’m just going to post the information that I have. I do have an idea or two of ways that people can help these homeless veterans. I’m going to work on these in the next few weeks, and I’ll post whatever I put together here. (Yes, I’m announcing this here so that I therefore feel obligated to follow through since it’s in print on the worldwide web.) =)

In the meantime, here are some useful links… hence the subject line.

SOME USEFUL LINKS:

U.S. Veterans Affairs Dept.: http://www.va.gov/

Homeless Programs & Initiatives Page on the U.S. Veterans Affairs Department Website: http://www1.va.gov/homeless/page.cfm?pg=2

Veterans for America (Humanitarian and Advocacy group dedicated to treating veterans with psychological traumas and brain injuries): http://www.veteransforamerica.org/

National Coalition for Homeless Veterans: http://www.nchv.org/background.cfm

National Coalition for the Homeless (Charity and Advocacy group that has some good facts & articles on the issue of homelessness itself): http://www.nationalhomeless.org/

U.S. Dept. of Labor’s Homeless Veterans’ Reintegration Program (This is a Federal program that works to reintegrate homeless veterans into the workforce): http://www.dol.gov/vets/programs/fact/Homeless_veterans_fs04.htm

THE NEXT STEPS

I’ll post another blog in a few weeks once I’ve done some more research to see if I can flush out a few ideas. I encourage everyone to take a few moments and visit some of the above links to find out more about the issue.

It’s funny – it’s only two days after Veterans Day, and already all of the news stories on this subject are disappearing from the headlines. I don’t know about the rest of you, but this is one issue that REALLY bothers me.

BTW: I will post more funny/stupid blogs in between this blog and the follow-up blog on this in a few weeks. So, if you don’t see the follow-up blog, but you see one about funny things my roommate has said or a new record of foods & liquids that I’ve managed to spill on myself in one day, don’t worry – I definitely haven’t forgotten about this.

Cheers,

E

Can I Ask a Question?

2007-11-02T15:00:00.000-07:00

Is the name “Elizabeth” REALLY that hard to spell?

Now, I’ve come to terms with the fact that, apparently, the name “Elizabeth” is too long. Every time I tell people my name is Elizabeth, they say, “Do you like to be called “Liz” or “Beth”?”

Well, last time I checked, I liked to be called by my NAME, which is Elizabeth. (NOTE: If you’ve been referring to me as “Liz” previous to 2002, you get a free pass. I know I drilled it in to you back then, and the fact that I’ve now decided to stop being a bratty teenager has no bearing on your ability to call me by another name. I understand.)

Anywho, back to my question. You see, I go to the Starbucks down the road from my office almost every work day. I like it. I like the people who work there. They know me, and they like me.

However, they don’t know how to spell my name… like, AT ALL.

For those unfamiliar with how Starbucks operates, first of all, welcome to the developed world! Glad you’re here! I know it can be tough getting out of a place like North Korea, The Democratic Republic of Congo, or Nebraska.

Second of all, normally when you walk into a Starbucks, it’s packed. So, they take your name down, and print it out onto the label (along with your specific drink order) that they stick onto the cup that will hold your drink.

Now, I know “spelling” ranks pretty darn low on the list of priorities amidst the American people. After all:

A.) English is quite possibly the most difficult language to spell in, because there are pretty much zero rules involved; and,
B.) We have spell check now.

However, I’m thinking with a name like “Elizabeth”, it’s probably something that the AVERAGE American can spell, since it’s been one of the Top 20 Female names since this country was founded.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Allow me to regale you with some choice spellings of my name by the people at my local Starbucks:

1. Elizabet
2. Lizabet
3. Lizabeth
4. Elizab
5. Elisabeth (acceptable if this lady was French, but she wasn’t)
6. Elizibeth
7. Illizibeth (That’s actually my personal favorite – it’s going to be my rap name.)
8. Lisbeth

Out of the (literally) hundreds of times I’ve gone to this Starbucks, they’ve probably spelled my name correctly twice. (That’s how I know it’s not just a system thing where they can only enter so many characters into the register’s name field.)

I know I stutter and slur my words a lot (shut up, it’s a speech impediment… most of the time), but are people really not understanding that my name is “Elizabeth”?

Again, I really like my peeps down at the local Starbucks. But, not being able to spell “Elizabeth” correctly? I’ll bet if my name was “MacKenzie” they’d get it right.

By the way, if you name your child “MacKenzie”, I really don’t need to know you. That’s the most God-awful name for a female child on the planet, and everyone and their Mom is naming their kids that now.

But that’s a whole other rant for a whole other time.

Cheers,

E (Since, apparently, most people can’t spell my full name)

PS: Yes, I know I didn't blog at all during October. I went out of the country, and when I came back my new home city was on fire. I'll be back in full effect for November, je te promis.

I Saw a Birthday Massacre -- and I Liked It!

2007-09-27T10:55:00.000-07:00

So, I promised Ricky that for once I’d step out of my reality TV blogging mode and actually write about something going on in my real life.

On Monday morning, I received an e-mail from Ricky informing me that he would be coming down to SD to see a band that he’s very passionate about play at the House of Blues down here – for the third time in a few weeks. He asked me if Scott and I would like to join him.

Oh yes, and it’s happening the next day. Spontaneity, anyone? ;)

Well, because I rarely get a chance to listen to any music that’s not on the radio anymore (and I use the term “music” extremely loosely when defining anything on the radio), and also since I’ll take just about any opportunity to see my LA friends, I decided to step out of my musical comfort zone and accompany Ricky with Scootz in tow.

I can be 100% honest in saying I REALLY enjoyed the show. The opening band was “theSTART”, which I am seriously tempted to either:

A.) Buy a CD (which I haven’t done since 2002); or
B.) Finally break down and get an iPod so I could download their music, and other indie bands that don’t get mainstream airplay.

I’ve never really been into industrial or electronica music – mainly because I have no opportunity to listen to music in general these days (what with all the craptastic reality TV, and such). ;) But, I thoroughly enjoyed theSTART.

For me, more than anything in a song, it’s the beat that gets me hooked. I think that’s why I’ve always loved hip hop music since I was about 9 (despite the fact that I’m so blindingly white that even white people make fun of how pale I am). theSTART had some fantastic drumming and back beats going on in several of their songs; and, when combined with the heavy industrial sound, they really got me clinched in to their performance.

After theStart, the main act came on: The Birthday Massacre. Ricky informed me that the lead singer, Chibi, was suffering from a pretty nasty cold that was affecting her voice. Still, she was an über trooper, and she put more passion, effort, and soul into her performance than Avril Lavigne could ever hope for, even after consuming half her body weight in speed.

In particular, I really loved how Chibi interacted with the audience. I could see why The Birthday Massacre has such a loyal following.

After the concert, I really started thinking about just how royally mainstream media fucks over the general population, even in regards to something as seemingly benign as music.

You see, the music at the concert, the passionate performances, and the palpable creativity radiating from these artists provokes thought, appreciation for art, and it encourages the listener to create and explore outside of the norm themselves.

This is a very dangerous thing, though, for advertisers – the bread and butter of mainstream radio stations.

So, what do they do? Play completely mindless bullshit that encourages the mind to turn off, and the listener to put on what the advertisers say are the “fashionable” clothes, go to what they say are the “cool” clubs, drink tons of the alcohol that they’ve said to drink, and dance the dances that are shown in the over-priced music videos promulgated on TRL.

Now, this is not to say that I don’t like much of the music on mainstream radio. There are quite a few “craptastic” songs that I love and appreciate the same way I do with my craptastic TV shows. And, really I love both for the same reasons – they allow me to turn my brain off, and enjoy the sugary, empty sweetness that their entertainment gives me.

However, much in the same way as actual diet & nutrition work, it’s fine to treat oneself to the occasional tasty indulgence with empty calories. But, consuming too many of these goodies leads to poor physical health. Consuming too many musical and television “treats” leads to poor mental and spiritual health.

If anything, this experience encourages me to go out and see more indie acts at the local clubs. I don’t even really care what genre the performers are considered a part of. It’s just good to step out of the tiny little box that mainstream culture (AKA: advertisers) try to stick the entirety of the spending American public into.

Even if I should happen to NOT like the act itself, it’s just good to support art, creativity, passion, and thought – all of which the vast majority of mainstream music is severely lacking.

Cheers,

E

Craptastic Television Review (Episode 4)

2007-09-21T16:22:00.000-07:00

TODAY’S EPISODE: Rock of Love, Episode 10, “Meet the Parents”

What the hell happened to VH1’s episode naming staff?!?! They used to be so brilliant, and now two weeks in a row they’ve come up with these weak ass episode names. Someone send in a search party!

So, Heather, Lacey and Jes are the three remaining girls at this point. And, according to VH1 craptastic reality dating shows as pioneered by Flavor of Love 1, that means it’s time to… meet the parents.

Bret says to the camera, “You marry the girl, you marry the parents.” That’s actually pretty good advice. But, who the fuck does this rock of douche think he’s kidding bringing up the word “marriage” in reference to these girls?! At VegasOdds.com, I believe “Bret Michaels Marrying a Rock of Love Cast Member” comes in just above “Britney Spears Eats Babies” – which isn’t to say it’s impossible; it’s just not likely to happen… we hope… in both cases.

Heather’s parents show up first, and are pretty much exactly what you’d expect would raise a white trash stripper at Scores in Vegas… which is not to say I don’t like them. Trust me, out of all of the parents that I’d get along with, it would probably be Heather’s parents – I have relatives just like them.

Next are Jes’s parents. Now, Bret admits that he was afraid that Jes’s parents were going to be, “an uptight banker and his completely arrogant trophy wife”.

Nope! That’s actually the description of Lacey’s parents. Jes’s parents, meanwhile, are cool, down to earth, and utterly normal. A little too “white bread” for my tastes, but they’re still cool. They just don’t make for good reality TV – which probably means that they’re the best human beings as a whole out of the bunch.

Ahhhh… Lacey’s parents. At first, I was expecting Bret to open the door, and have it just be a couple of rabies infested wolves standing at the door.

After a few minutes of Lacey’s parents being on the screen, I kind of wish they were. But, since Heather’s date is first, we’ll save that for later in the blog.

So, Bret takes Heather and her ‘rents to the Saddle Ranch. I’ve driven by there many a time, and though I’ve never actually been inside I’ve heard it’s fabulous. It looked like fun on the episode.

Heather is amazed at having both of her parents together for the show because, “This is only the second time I’ve seen my parents together in the same room in my life – that I can remember.”

Oh, that entire sentence explains a WHOLE lot about the enigma that is Heather.

So, at the Saddle Ranch, the four of them are kickin’ back some brewskies ‘n shootin’ the shit (sorry, I have to get into character with these people). Heather’s Mom, Brenda, motioned to her father, David, and says, “Hey… tell them about the Chinese… you know…”

I’m thinking to myself, “Oh! See, they’ve been to China, and they’ve made some observations on Chinese culture and society. See! They’re not backwater rubes.”

However, it soon becomes clear that when she’s says, “the Chinese”, she is referring to a singular Chinese man that Heather’s father sat next to on a plane flight once.

As if that’s not bad enough, here’s his story about, you know, “the Chinese”:

*silence*… I mean, REALLY, what the hell can you say to that? Seriously, where can one even begin?

Moving along…

So, Bret dares Heather to ride the bull. (Hmmm… a stripper with fake boobs riding a bull… I wonder what will happen next!)

Because Heather has had so much experience doing the reverse cowgirl, she stays on quite a long time before (inevitably) being forcibly removed by said mechanical bull. (I guess even machines can sense a burning sensation.)

In her confessional, Heather states, “The bull starts shimmy-shakin’. My tatters are flip-floppin’ everywhere. People are cheerin’. Gosh.”

You read that right, folks – “tatters”. ????????? Never heard them referred to that before. Then again, I haven’t been a stripper at Scores Las Vegas for five years. I guess we should all be glad that she’s only enlightened us to the word “tatters”. I shudder to think what else they’ve been referred to as in the course of her career.

So, Bret says he had a great time and really got along well with her parents. NO! You don’t say! An aging 80’s rocker getting along well with some drunk good ol’ boy, trailer park residents while drinking from a beer bong and watching one of his stripper chew toys “tatters” flying all over the place on a mechanical bull?!

Next you’re going to tell me that Paris Hilton takes Valtrex!

Moving along…

The next date is with Jes and her parents. Bret takes the three of them to one of his favorite stores in Melrose, Rock and Roll Religion. They are greeted by “fashion expert” Michelle.

Just because the lady has a British accent does NOT make her a “fashion expert”. In fact, she proceeds to dress up Jes’s clearly middle-America, normal as can be parents in the following:

Where does she get her fashion sense from: Gene Simmons’ post-show wadded up tissues?

(Look, even Bret Michaels is pointing at them and laughing! Dickwad, you’re the one that dragged them there in the first place! Do you think you look any less ridiculous?)

Bret says he also had a great date with Jes and her family. (Personally, I’d be pissed if I were Jes. “The other girls get to go out and eat, and I have to go shopping for crappy clothes that make me look like Avril Lavigne with my parents and some stupid British twat? WTF?!”)

Finally, Bret decides to take Lacey’s parents out to a nice dinner at some joint named “Eat”. (I actually googled it, and the official name is “eat. on sunset”. It’s run by Joachim Splichal, the head of the Patina Group: this TOTALLY killer restaurant & catering group. My friend’s rehearsal day breakfast was catered by them at Descanso Gardens, and I pretty much ate my entire body weight in their cheese alone. Don’t even get me started on what I did to the pasta and salad – I still can’t believe I was actually able to get into my bridesmaid dress.)

Sorry, I know I do those side rants that no one gives a crap about. I’m just frickin’ starving right now. In fact, let me hit up the local all-you-can-eat Indian buffet, and I’ll come back to this in about an hour…

(Approximately 1 hr. later)

Dahhhhhhhhhh… love their Channa Masala… want to bathe in it…

Anywho, back to the show. Immediately, we get to see just what a giant asshole Lacey’s dad is. It becomes pretty clear where Lacey has gotten her douchey personality from.

First of all, let’s have a look at the quintessential examples of an asshole Dallas tycoon and his trophy mistress – I mean wife, now! WIFE!

They’re exactly like you pictured them, aren’t they?

So, Lacey’s douchey dad goes right to work on Bret. He pretty much interrogates him, which in itself is not what I take issue with. Hell, if MY daughter went on a reality dating show where she was one of 20 chew toys of a washed up hair metal band singer, I wouldn’t even bother showing up – I’d be too busy writing her out of the will.

It’s just that he’s such a cocky ASS about it. And, we soon find out that his questioning is not really about Lacey. Much like everything else in Mr. Lacey’s Dad’s life, IT’S ALL ABOUT HIM. He says to Bret, “I happen to be a very wealthy man… so [if you marry my daughter] I hope you know there’d be a prenup involved.”

“Brass ones” doesn’t even begin to illustrate the set this dude is carting around. He makes Cisco Adler look like he hasn’t even hit puberty, yet.

Later, Bret is feeling the pressure, and trying to get the conversation off of him and his intentions for Lacey (other than the current use of sperm receptacle), he asks, “Is there some kinda hot sauce on those fries, or is it just my tongue that’s on fire?”

If there is any doubt in your mind as to what kind of person Lacey’s dad is (whose name is “Otis”, BTW, which means he’s got to be over 100 years old since no one has named their children that since the 19th century), the next words out of his mouth ought to eliminate any doubts: “I think it’s all the lies you’re telling.”

Now, anyone who’s read any of these reality TV blogs knows that I am not exactly a Bret Michaels fan. But, this dude has done nothing other than be very polite to you and your trophy trollop, and answer your inane questions about his intentions for your daughter, whom we all know is at best a beat off rag for Mr. Michaels, and is lucky she’s even that. Otis is a royal douche and a half. No wonder Lacey is such “a waste of sperm and egg”.

The last little bit we see of the dinner, is Otis asking Bret, “So, do you have any hair under that hat?”

OK, that is pretty frickin’ hilarious. He’s still a douche, though.

Back at the house, Lacey and her Dad walk in on Heather hanging out topless. (You seem surprised.) Lacey gets all indignant about how Heather can possibly walk around topless with her father in the room.

Well, Lacey:

A.) You’re father wasn’t IN the room when she was relaxing alone & topless
B.) It’s her fucking room

C.) He sure as hell didn’t waste any time sitting on your bed and watching her run around topless to find a shirt

Ewwww! He even has a drink in his hand!

(I’m telling you, that graphic will NEVER get old.)

Heather pretty much summarizes what everyone is thinking, albeit with a 3rd grader’s vernacular: “So I walk out and Lacey’s dad is completely staring into my tatters. It’s, like, freaking me out. Creepy, creepy, creeperton.”

Oh Heather, the wonderful times we could have had together if only you weren’t a 32-year old stripper with Bret Michaels’s name tattooed on your neck…

So, Lacey continues to be a complete bitch, and when showing her “mother” (AKA: her Dad’s trophy whore) the stripper pole in the living room, she shouts at Heather, “Hey Heather! Why don’t you come down here and show us some of your stripper moves?”

Yeah, because we haven’t seen you rub your diseased cooter all over it for free during the entire course of the show. Good gosh, you seriously couldn’t pay me enough to touch the stripper pole in the “Rock of Love” house. There are diseases on there that scientists haven’t even discovered, yet.

So, Bret thinks it’s a great idea to have dinner with the three families. (Great for reality TV, but not so great for anyone who is actually hungry in that house.)

Lacey’s dad (I still can’t believe his name is “Otis”) thinks it’s appropriate dinner conversation to say, “How ‘bout everyone give their bios.” He actually says that – bios.

Jes tells her story about how she did something, was OK at it, didn’t like it, now’s a bartender… sorry, I wasn’t really listening to her. This show was all about the Heather and Lacey dynamic. Jes is just coasting along at this point for the win.

Heather then goes up and says she graduated from college with “a couple of degrees”, one being a BA in Communications. (Do they teach you about “tatters” in Communications? I know they didn’t over in the English Department.)

Of course, then she gets to the part where she says that she “fell into dancing. Just like that! Dancing was the well to her Baby Jessica. (Ten million points if you get that reference.)

Lacey’s dad acts like the condescending a-hold that he is (while deluding himself into thinking he’s fooling everyone into thinking he’s a charitable softie), and says to Heather, “Well, I can connect you up with Time-Warner. They’re a client of mine.”

1. You can pay Time-Warner to “connect you up” – they are a cable provider after all. (I know, horrible pun, but I had to do it.)
2. That’s the least you can do after staring at her hooters earlier without even giving her a good tip.
3. You are such a douche.

Heather, in her confessional, has the perfect response: “Dude, shut the fuck up. Worry about yourself… and that lying daughter of yours.”

Otis then goes on to brag about the apple of his eye, Lacey. While Lacey has portrayed herself as a “starving artist” in Bret’s own words, her dad reveals that she doesn’t have to work, because she lives off of her “investments”.

OK, coming from a somewhat wealthy family myself, I can tell you EXACTLY what that means. Her dad pays for everything via an allowance. Call it what you want to, but that’s exactly what it is – money that he gave to her for no other reason than she’s his daughter. Trust.

He then goes on to say, “She plays the stock market.”

If by stock market you mean Bret Michaels’s penis, then yes, she does play the “stock market”.

Anyway, dinner goes to hell in a handbasket when Heather starts calling Lacey out on all of the nasty things she’s done since being at the house. I would too, especially since her dad keeps going on and on about how smart/rich/perfect/virginal Lacey is. Lacey deflects most of it, until her “mother” helps her escape to the kitchen.

Seriously, they’re probably almost the same age, folks.

Dinner is pretty much ruined, so everyone goes to bed.

The next day, Lacey goes over to Bret while he’s working out. (Gotta work off the “coke bloat” somehow.) She starts doing what she’s known best for: talking shit and manipulating. However, this time she’s talking about Heather.

Heather just so happens to be standing on the balcony over them and hears all the shit Lacey’s talking about her. She charges down there and confronts Lacey for talking about her and her family. Lacey at first looks like a possum about to be swallowed by a bear, but then regains her composure and keeps trying to explain herself by starting every sentence with “Sweetie, listen…” Heather ain’t playin’ that shit though, and tells her, “Don’t call me sweetie!” She then calls her out for being the manipulative, back-stabbing bitch that she is and storms back into the house.

Bret seems genuinely upset about this fight, and tells Lacey she’d better go patch things up with Heather. (AKA: Get the fuck away from me ho, I need to struggle to lift these 10 lbs. dumb bells without any witnesses.)

So, Lacey and Heather meet up inside in the most epic battle of the whole “Rock of Love” season. Of course, Lacey’s douchey dad and her brain dead trophy mom enter the room while Heather is ripping Lacey a new asshole.

Heather accuses Lacey of riding her coattails throughout the show (that’s sad if you have to ride someone’s coattails on a shitty reality TV show), and adds, “When you’re dad sees the show, he is gonna DIE.” Lacey tries to act all calm and dignified (neither of which should ever appear in the same sentence as Lacey), but pretty much gets served by a 32 year old Vegas stripper.

Harsh.

Heather then directly addresses “Otis”, and says flat out to him, “You’re daughter is a slut!” Otis looks absolutely incredulous, and stammers back with the eloquent, “Hey hey hey!” Ooooh, DIS! She then says to Lacey, “Are you going to tell him about how you’re the only one who’s done all the sexual shit with Bret in the house?!” Lacey stammers back, “That’s not true!”

And then the bombshell comes – Heather screams back at her, “I saw you suck his dick!!!”

Ladies and gentlemen, this is craptastic television at its finest.

Otis responds with the seethingly witty comeback of, “Yeah? Well… you’re trashy.”

*sigh*

1.) Duh. Tell us something we don’t know.
2.) As trashy as she is WITHOUT sucking Bret Michaels’s dick, how much more so is your daughter for doing so?
3.) Great comeback. *dripping sarcasm*

Lacey then goes psychotic in her confessional (because that’s what crazy people do). She claims that Heather can insult her all she wants, but “don’t disrespect my parents. What did they ever do to you?”

Another numbered list…

1.) She wasn’t disrespecting your parents. She was calling you about for trying to hide the whore that you are in front of them.
2.) You’re dad acted like a condescending dick to Heather at dinner last night, barged in on her while she was half naked in her room, then proceeded to lay back on the bed (and I still can’t get over the fact that he even had a drink in his hand) and proceeded to ogle Heather’s naked flesh – without tipping!

Then, Lacey does her typical shpeal about, “Don’t fuck with my friends or family, or you’re dead, blah blah blah.”

See, here is my #1 problem with Lacey – she’s all about talking a lot of shit and acting hard. But, she never backs it up!!! Lacey has said she’s going to beat the other chicks in the house down, that she’ll fuck anyone up who gets in her way, don’t disrespect her family or she’ll kill you, etc. BUT, when it actually comes time to get physical, Lacey has gotten her ass handed to her by Jes, Dallas, Rodeo, and Heather!

You’re not a bad ass. Now, take your Prozac, and write in your dream journal, “sweetie”.

So, understandably Lacey’s father is perturbed with this news. He marches out with his daughter to confront Bret. He greets Bret with a, “Sorry to bother you there, Big Boy…”

Does his trophy wife know he’s talking to other men like that? Feh, like she cares. She’s too busy buying another Malta-poo.

Being from Dallas, he cuts right to the chase, “Did my daughter suck your dick?”

WHOA THERE, COWBOY!!!

And, that’s exactly what Bret’s face says, too.

Lacey then turns on the waterworks and claims that Heather was disrespectful by telling her father that she sucked his dick. (NOTE: Neither Lacey or Bret deny this fact, folks!!!)

Apparently moved by her tears, Otis CLAIMS that it’s none of his business what his 31 year old daughter’s sex life consists of, but you just know he’s going through his mental rolodex to see who would be the best person to contract for the hit on Michaels’s life.

All right, so this blog is way too dang long already, so I’ll just cut to eliminations. (I always say I’m gonna do better, and I never do! WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!) =…( Thanks for putting up with my blathering ass… not literally, of course. That would be a rather disgusting condition requiring immediate medical attention.

So, the three remaining girls stand there with their parents, whom Bret then sends off. He calls Jes up first. (Again, no big surprise there. She’s pretty much been the only source of peace and quiet in the house this past week.)

So, it’s the final showdown between Lacey and Heather. Bret says he’s impressed by Heather’s dedication with the tattoo (dedication or retardation – just because they rhyme doesn’t mean they’re synonyms, Bret), but that Lacey is driven. (Driven many a man to the grave with her cooch of death.)

Bret calls Lacey to the front, and for a minute I’m ready to turn off the TV and take out my rage on a plate of spaghetti. But, Bret then tells Lacey that there are parts of her that he loves, but then there are parts of her that are (to use my own words) pretty much compiled of all the reasons that genocides occur. He thanks her for being there, but tells her that “her tour is up”.

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally, this stupid, bitchy cunt is off my television for good! *weeps for joy* No longer do I have to hear about all the bad ass shit she’s going to do, only to watch her just go and tattle on people to Bret. Good riddance, cum dumpster! Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out – seriously, it’ll leak all over the floor, and we don’t need another “Sumthin’” episode on VH1. (Another ten million points if you get that reference.)

So, Heather gets her pass, and Bret reveals that the final ceremony will take place in Cabo San Lucas. Heather is excited because that’s where she filmed her first “Girls Gone Wild” DVD.

Next week is the prerequisite “clip show” that shows all of the boring stuff that these (for the most part) dumb, used-up slags did while they were in the house that didn’t originally make it to air.

Wait a minute… that means I’m going to have to see Lacey’s stankin’ ass again!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheers,

(NOTE: All pictures are from VH1's Rock of Love Blog.)

Craptastic Television Review (Episode 3)

2007-09-13T11:26:00.000-07:00

TODAY’S EPISODE: Rock of Love, Episode 9, “Vegas, Baby!”

I am sorely disappointed in VH1’s episode naming staff this week.

And, yes, I AM going to skip doing a review of Episode 8. I never got to see it. My girl, Sam, is gone, and it’s just as well. She’s far too good for Bret.

Why do I watch this show when I don’t even like the “main character”? I have no idea. There, are you happy?

Anywho, this episode starts with Heather showing off her retarded ass tattoo that she got last week. (Sorry, I know I did miss a lot by not doing the Episode 8 Review.) For those of you who only keep up with the show via my blog (which is all of you), on their one-on-one date last week, Bret took Heather to a tattoo parlor, and dared her to get a tattoo of his name on her. Narcissistic much?

She did. (Moron, much?)

So, Heather says, “I’m rockin’ the tattoo I got for MY MAN.”

1. He’s not your man. At best, he’s your “once in a while fuck buddy”.
2. 90% of people who get their significant others’ names tattooed on them end up breaking up within the next 6 months. You’re not even “significant others” – what does that say about your odds?

You were starting to actually grow on me, Heather. Now, you’ve gone and done something like this? You’re making Paris Hilton look like a Rhodes Scholar.

So, the Bret Mail comes, and it turns out that they’re all going to “Sin City” (AKA: Las Vegas) to watch him in concert and to spend a couple of nights out there with him.

Hmmm… two strippers, one psycho, one tough chick, and a bloated, ego-maniacal aging rock star in Vegas… did they approve the script for the sequel to “Showgirls” (the epitome of a craptastic movie)? I can’t wait!

So, they all go to Vegas, they talk about how awesome their room is at this place called “The Red Rock Inn”. (Off the Strip? *cough* cheap ass *cough*) Soon enough, the girls pair off into Jes & Brandi and Lacey & Heather – not for any challenge, mind you. They just pair up because they can’t stand the others.

Heather and Lacey end up taking a bubble bath together because… well, I’m not sure why. If you’re a dirty skank, how do you think you’re going to get yourself clean by bathing with another dirty skank? It just makes the water extra dirty and skanky! It’s like you’re doubling up!

Oh wait, now I get their reasoning.

I will say this… Heather looks SO infinitely better when she’s not skanked out. I mean, seriously guys, what would you be less afraid to stick your peckers into, this:

Or this:

You liars.

Anywho, Lacey and Heather talk about taking Brandi out, while Brandi talks to Jes about how they should ex Heather out by getting her really smashed. (FORESHADOWING MUSIC: Remember this plan later.)

Jes says in her interview: “I really don’t have a huge plan, but I know I don’t want to get completely wasted and make an ass of myself. I can let the other girls do that and I know that they will.”

THANK YOU! Someone remaining on this show isn’t a complete idiot.

That being said, I hope Bret doesn’t choose her (though I’m betting right now he will), because she’s way too good for him.

See, a sick part of me wants Bret to pick Lacey, solely because I really do think he’s a hypocritical, egomaniac of a douche – which is precisely what Lacey is. Why ruin two other people’s lives when it’s possible to make the dating pool a little less murky by taking these two out together?

Of course, that does leave horrific ramifications for the gene pool… *shudders*

OK, I promise I’m going to TRY and not blather on so much in this blog. I’m not promising I’ll succeed – I’m promising I’ll try.

So, they go to Bret’s concert, and they lick his nutsack in the interviews. “Oh my gosh, it was one of the best shows ever! He looked so hot. His singing was amazing, blah, blah, blah.”

LIES!!!!

It sucked ass. I wouldn’t go to that show if it were free. Heck, I wouldn’t go to that show if you paid me to be an extra (although apparently VH1 was successful enough with that to get around 200 concert goers to the venue. Seriously, folks, it was sad.)

After the show, all the girls (of course) try to grind up on Bret. He happily obliges for a few minutes, then says he has to get ready for dinner. He invites his three trollops (and Jes) to kick it for a bit with his “band” (not Poison, for the record).

Lacey and Brandi take this opportunity to get shit faced drunk the likes of which I have not seen when I puked on that married guy who was hitting on me in the VIP Room of RA. (Absolutely no regrets there; I just feel bad for the waitress who had to clean up.)

A drunken Lacey is pretty much exactly like a sober Lacey, except her words are a bit more slurred, and “the crazy” is a bit more laughable.

Just because my distaste for her is so great, allow me to post some pictures of the drunken skank sloshed off her rocker:

At this point Lacey starts harassing Brandi, who in her drunken stupor lets out a loud fart ON Lacey. (Good gosh, I love this show.) She then turns to a laughing Lacey, and says, “Get the fuck away from me. I just farted.”

OK, Brandi just officially won her way back into my heart.

Big John comes back in and tells the girls to come meet Bret for dinner. (He’s gotta keep that bloat up somehow, and the coke just ain’t gonna cut it!) Lacey starts running off at her drunken, non-functioning mouth. Big John becomes my hero of the minute when he yells at her, “Lacey, shut the fuck up and come on!” She then holds her hand up to have him help her up, and he leaves her in the cold.

So friggin’ awesome.

All right, so the girls somehow manage to make it to Bret’s suite, where Lacey and Brandi continue to make drunken, slutty asses out of myself, Lacey in particular.

Lacey climbs on the bar, and starts talking drunk talk at all of the girls – even her supposed “girl”, Heather. Lacey gets right in Jes’s face and says, “I think you all are fake.” Jes smirks and asks why. “Because… all fou wanna dew izzzzzz party,” she ironically slurs.

Then comes the best part of the episode thus far: Lacey falling on her drunken ass, nearly right off the bar. Can I get a clip of that?

Man, I could watch that all day.

LMAO! Look at Heather’s completely unfazed face! Man, if she hadn’t gotten that stupid tattoo, I might just actually like her. Ahhhh, what could have been…

Bret comes in the room, and is “pissed off” because he says, “The girls are drunk!” Well, Brandi and Lacey are, but Heather and Jes are still alive and well.

Lacey continues to act like such a fucking mess throughout dinner that Bret summons Big John to carry her back to her room.

Brandi, meanwhile, gets sicker and sicker. Heather (being the vindictive bitch that I begrudgingly like her for) finds out from Brandi that oysters make her nauseous. So, what does Heather do? Eat a shitload of oysters right next to Brandi.

(Passive-Aggressiveness, thy name is Heather.)

Of course, the expected finally happens with Brandi illustrating television’s first look at “the puke fountain”:

It looks even worse than it sounds.

Jes then (brilliantly) remarks: “Bret should have known that it was gonna be impossible to have a nice dinner with two drunk Froot Loops and a f***in’ hungry stripper!”

BRET MICHAELS: For Jes’s sake, don’t pick her.

Bret takes Brandi to the bathroom, where she confesses, in between heaves, “Bret, I love you, and for you I’ll let my guard down.”

Bret says this is one of the most touching moments of his life. I suddenly feel great pity for Bret Michaels… OK, it’s gone.

At this point, Bret is pissed that dinner is ruined. He decides to take Jes back to his room “for a nightcap” since she helped him to take care of Lacey and Brandi. Heather proceeds to clean house of the remaining food, making the butler pack up just about everything separately to take back to her room with her. (For the record, that’s exactly what I would do, too.)

BTW: Who the fuck uses the term “nightcap” anymore?! I’d have more respect for him, New York, and Flavor Flav if they just said what they meant: “Bitches, I’m gonna sample this particular piece of merchandise back in my room – doggy style. I’ll let you all back on my nuts in the morning.”

Yes, New York would say that, too. HBIC doesn’t take shit from a bunch of bitch ass, whiny boys!

The next morning, Bret says that they “We got to learn each other… um, both inside and out.”

EWWWWWW.

Jes then confirms, “I feel much closer to him physically… emotionally… and sexually.”

EWWWWWWWWW!!!!

Jes, you’re a good woman! Have some flippin’ respect for yourself! He’s already let no less than 10 different women play with his man meat over the course of the past three weeks. Where’s your dignity?!

Bret then sends Jes back to LA so that he can spend more time with Lacey, Heather, and Brandi.

We then pan to the Three Skankateers waking up. Brandi says to Heather that she knows Bret is not the man for her.

And, she thinks Lacey and Heather aren’t going to bring this up to Bret immediately because…

Bret meets the remaining hos by the pool. Upon seeing them, he states, “They’re looking torn up from the floor up.” (It’s “tore up from the floor up”, for the record, Bret.) He then adds, “Brandi looks like she’s been beat up.”

He takes each girl into a private cabana for massage time. Heather is first. She doesn’t rat on Brandi because she wants Brandi to do it herself. (Also, she doesn’t want to look like a snitch, and she knows Lacey will snitch anyway. Good call, Heather.)

Brandi comes in, and says she was having some doubts that she “wasn’t good enough for him.”

(Brandi, a boiled egg is too good for Bret Michaels. I know you’re a whore, but give yourself SOME credit.)

Bret assures her she IS good enough, and sends her back to the pool. When she returns, Heather asks her if she spoke to Bret about what she said earlier. She said, “Yeah.” And, her “yeah” clearly states, “Fuck no, bitches.”

Lacey is having none of that, and proceeds to blab to Bret about the whole episode with Brandi earlier that day. Bret calls her malicious and crazy to her face (finally), but admits there is something about Brandi that he doesn’t trust.

Later that night, he decides to take Lacey and Heather to dinner (opting to send the still aching Brandi home). It is here that the Lacey/Heather alliance comes crumbling down.

Bret tells Heather he doesn’t want to get hurt by her, and says that “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” was written about a stripper who broke his heart.

BOO FUCKING HOO, BRET!!!! What a load of bullshit if I ever heard it! No shit a stripper is not going to be faithful to you! And, you’re not going to be faithful to her either, because YOU HANG OUT WITH STRIPPERS ALL THE TIME! I feel ZERO sympathy for him on this one.

He then goes on to explain that he’s afraid of “pole emotions” with Heather. See, I thought he was talking about how sweet and friendly she is when he has those crisp fiddies, but once he’s run out of all his cash and he’s rummaging around for some rusty nickels, she’s back to going down on that Saudi sheik in the champagne room.

According to him, though, “Here’s the thing with Heather, and I call it, pole emotions, right? And by pole emotions, I mean, can I get her off that pole and get her onto my pole? It’s a big, big thought going through my mind right now.”

1. Ewww.
2. I think you’re giving your “pole” a little too much credit here. It’s definitely not a “big, big thought” from what’s going around in the groupie circles. (I know I wouldn’t know, but I love insulting an asshole’s manhood any chance I get.)

3. If you’re even close to being as wealthy as the show makes you out to be, you can get her off “the pole” and onto “your pole”. Hell, all it takes is some lukewarm onion rings, a double wide trailer, and a 6 pack of Coors Lite!

Ugh, that makes me want to puke even typing in reference to Bret’s… pole. Uh oh… here it comes…

That’s going to come in SO handy over the next few months.

So, Lacey goes on to say her “manic-depression” as Bret refers to it was caused by her mom’s untimely death. While I’m certainly not going to make fun of Lacey’s pain, I’m calling straight up bullshit on that one.

I have several friends getting their Master’s and Doctorates in Psychology, and they’ll tell you that psychologists don’t put people on medications, first of all. It’s psychiatrists who do the prescribing of medications.

Secondly, psychiatrists don’t prescribe medications to people who are depressed because of genuine trauma for long term usage. They usually recommend verbal therapy, and in extreme cases will prescribe something to help over a two week to a month period.

So, Lacey saying she’s on medication for depression directly related to her Mom’s death, and NOT some genuine sort of psychological problem is some straight up bullshit. Trust me on this one, folks. Being completely batshit insane myself, I know a thing or two about the fields of psychology and psychiatry.

Despite this, her crying act gets Bret to take her back for the “nightcap”, leaving Heather in the cold for the second night in a row. She officially calls off her alliance with Lacey in her interview.

Back at the room, Lacey talks more crap, professes that she’s here for Bret (mhmm…), and fucks him. What?! It’s bloody true!

Cut to eliminations time. Jes gets her pass first, and I’m calling her right now as the winner of the show. Lacey is called next, further proving that Bret is both a sucker and an idiot incapable of heeding the warning signs of a psychopath. Oh well.

So, it’s down to Heather and Brandi. They go back and forth about who said what about wanting to be with whom. Brandi admits she did say, “Bret’s not the one for me,” which Heather promptly hammers home to Bret. Brandi kind of back pedals though and says she’s just confused. (Pole emotions?)

Bret is clearly agitated at this point. Finally, he asks Brandi if she wants to stay there. She says, “Honestly, I don’t think I can let my guard down.”

Bret stammers, “Duh, uh, say that again?”

“I don’t think I can let my guard down.”

Bret then goes off on her about how she lied to him, she could have told him that a long time ago, oh and accuses her of “playing with people’s emotions”.

Oh, I’m sorry, I thought YOU were the one with 20 different women in your house, pitting them against each other, and purposely making them jealous of one another for the sake your own ego and libido! My mistake!

So, Brandi pretty much eliminates herself. What’s very interesting is Big John followed her up the door, which he didn’t need to do. Conspiracy theories (yes, they exist in the Rock of Love blogosphere) say that Bret MEANT to give the last VIP pass to Brandi, but he had Big John switch the passes so that he could give Heather her pass at the end. I mean, it was obvious that he was genuinely butt sore about Brandi “playing” him. *rolls eyes* Why would he act like that if he was just going to eliminate her anyway?

So, it’s down to Heather, Jes, and Lacey. Next week, it’s time for Bret to meet the girls’ parents. It looks like it’s going to be the final showdown between Heather and Lacey. Good stuff people… and by “good”, I of course mean “craptastic”. =)

Cheers,

(NOTE: All pictures are from VH1's Rock of Love Blog.)

Can I Ask a Question?

2007-09-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

On what sick, demented planet is THIS:

… considered fat?!?!

I would give my theoretical left nut to have legs and an ass like Britney’s here.

Let’s get this straight: Yes, Britney’s “comeback” opener was a joke. But, for any of you who actually managed to make it through the entire show, was there anything at the VMA’s that was NOT a completely abysmal joke? Damn, at least Britney’s “joke” made me smile a bit. That’s a helluva lot more than Sarah Silverman’s entire act did.

Secondly, yes, Britney is heavier than she was at 21. Women of the world, raise your hand if you DON’T weigh at least 10 lbs. more than you did at 21. *cricket chirps* Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Thirdly, this woman had TWO kids within TWO years. If I have two kids and my body looks like hers, I’m going to pick my kids up from school in the same dang outfit she wore for the show. Hellz yes, I am!

See, here’s my issue with the whole “Britney Bombed” backlash – fat asses calling Britney fat.

If Britney is what counts as “fat” today, then I’m officially going to end my life by eating myself to death with In ‘N Out grilled cheeses. (Hot dang, those are good.)

If people want to hate on her extensions, I’ll have to agree. If they want to say her performance was awful, I’ll be nodding my head. If they want to say that she looked like she wasn’t completely there, and half-assed her way through the entire show, I’m going to stand on my chair and scream, “TESTIFY!”

But, by no means do any of these reporters have any right to call Britney fat. I guarantee you the VAST majority of people calling Britney “fat” are truly fat (or at least flabby) themselves.

Besides, I’ve heard major buzz from several different outlets that people like the song. (I’m talking like I actually have some industry connections – I don’t.) People love a “come-from-behind” story. (I’m so not going to even go there with the puns on that one… though I want to so bad!)

I do think there are still a lot of people rooting for Britney, myself included. She can still make a comeback. That just wasn’t it.

But, there’s no need to rub extra salt into some already pretty flippin’ salty wounds. She’s not fat, and people who say she is are emphasizing everything that is wrong with the perception of women in Hollywood. Seriously guys, if you had to (and all previous medical & mental history aside), would you rather bang this:

Or this:

I rest my case.

Cheers,

I LOVE NEW YORK 2: The “Men” Revealed

2007-09-10T13:30:00.000-07:00

So, quite possibly my favorite out of all the VH1 craptastic shows of all time, I Love New York, is now getting its marketing on as VH1 gears up for its 2nd season’s release on October 8th. It WOULD BE one of my most anticipated TV viewing dates… but I’ll be in Australia.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

OK, yes, I’m totally psyched about going to Australia (Oct. 5-22), but that means I will miss not one, not two, but more than likely the THREE earliest episodes of I Love New York 2! I’ll never catch up. *sobs*

All right, I know this blog isn’t about me having to “suffer” on my two week tour through Australia. It’s about the newest updates on VH1.com. I just can’t get over the timing.

Today, VH1 just released the first pictures of the 20 new men vying for New York’s heart. Without any further ado, here are the lucky 20 gents:

Crapsicles.

FIRST: There is not one single man up in this picture that I would touch with a 1,000 foot pole. Dang, is this really what all was out there? I don’t even have to watch the show, and I can tell you there’s gonna be an “I Love New York 3”. None of them look like they can handle the HBIC.

SECOND: Yes, that is a “little person” in the front row. And, yes, he is a contestant.

Is this not going to be the greatest VH1 craptastic show EVER?!?!?!

Oh, and according to VH1, he goes by the name “Midget Mac”. You really can’t make this shit up, people.

Why, oh why couldn’t this start in November?!?!?! I’m going to return from my Australia trip, and I’m going to have to beg and plead with Scott to watch the “catch up” episodes. (I’m sure he’s happier than a pig in shit to read that I’m going to miss the first three episodes – you sick, twisted bastard!)

Well, I’m a dedicated “I Love New York” viewer, and where there is a will, there’s a way. And, there is most DEFINITELY a will here.

Cheers,

E

PS: The next person who compares Lacey on “Rock of Love” to New York is getting a serious boot to the head. Lacey isn’t fit to munch on New York’s discarded weave (though we all know she would).

Rock of Love Episode 9 review should be here by Wednesday – not that any of you care. *sob* Feh, I wouldn’t either if I were you.

CNN Is Desperate

2007-09-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

I get so pissed off when I quote an independent news source, and people say, “Why should I believe them? It’s not like they’re CNN. I’ll believe it when I see it there.”

It’s incredible to me that so many people think that CNN is this hallowed institution that is unbiased and always accurate. I trust CNN no more than I trust Fox News – basically meaning I don’t trust them at all.

CNN is owned by AOL/Time Warner. I’m not even going to attempt to list everything that AOL/Time Warner owns, but if you go here, there’s a (for the most part) complete and updated list of what all they have their sticky little fingers in.

After looking at that list, ask yourself this question: “How many different companies advertise in all of these different media owned by AOL Time Warner?”

The fact is you don’t really have to even come up with an answer to realize that maybe, just MAYBE AOL/Time Warner might be… let’s just say “behooved” to their advertisers. Is it possible that perhaps the different interests of their advertisers, who have helped to make CNN one of the six conglomerates that owns 95% of all media, might affect what stories are reported on CNN, and just exactly how they are presented?

You bet your sweet bippy they do.

“HEADLINE” NEWS?

I do check CNN.com a few times a week just to see what is being reported in the mainstream media. Of course, it’s almost always skewed; or, if a story is particularly dangerous it’s hidden or not reported on at all. Still, it’s good to know what bullshit is being put out there so as to be sure and get the proper tools to fight it.

As I was reading the CNN Homepage this morning, I realized just how low they have sunk. Allow me to present a few of their “headlines” for you:

1. “Warren Buffet’s Wife Thwarts Robbery” --> Oooooooh!!! Well, send her the fucking Medal of Honor!

2. “Cop Charged in Police Dog’s Hot Car Death” --> Good, but this is something I’d expect to see as a headline on a local news channel – not, oh I don’t know, CNN.

3. “Early adopters sour over iPhone Price Cut” --> A: Who “adopts” a cell phone? It’s a phone, not a Chinese orphan. B: Did these people NOT think that Apple would reduce the iPhone’s price after a few months? Someone clue them in to Marketing 101, please. C: This is more important than the War in Iraq or 40 million people infected with AIDS… how now?

4. ”Pit Bull Attacks Mom Carrying Baby” --> OK, ORIGINALLY, this headline read “Pit Bull Attacks Mom Throwing Baby in Trash”, but I guess they got around to correcting it before I could take the screen shot. (Stupid price quote requests.) Still, again, that sucks, but this is national/international news because…?

5. “Couple’s Video Welcomes Teen Sex Slave” --> I’m sorry, I thought I was going to CNN, not the NATIONAL ENQUIRER. Can we say “sensationalism”?

6. “Mutt on Voter Roll Puts Owner in Dog House” --> This actually could be a great investigative article into voter fraud and how vulnerable our American Democracy is. But, that would bring up questions of how secure our voting machines are (click here to actually read about that). And, seeing as Diebold makes both the voting machines that our country uses AND the majority of bank ATMs (several of whom advertise in multiple AOL Time Warner media outlets), CNN decides to turn this story into an extremely lame pun and a fluff piece (dang it, and now I must apologize for MY lame pun. I swear mine was accidental, though).

Kudos to you, CNN! Way to keep up your journalistic integrity.

7. “J. Lo. awarded $545K in suit against ex-hubby” --> Yeah, because if there’s one thing Jennifer Lopez needs, it’s more money. Oh, and way to go CNN for getting all “hip with the youngsters” by calling her “J. Lo.” instead of by her name, which she publically asked all media to do back in, like, 2005.

Shoot, even Perez Hilton is focusing more on whether or not Fidel Castro is still alive than this crap!

Oh well, at least they didn’t fuck up as royally as Fox News did. (Click Link for video)

Just in case you don’t believe me with these ridiculous stories, here’s the screenshot to prove that I’m not making this crap up:

SWEPT UNDER A RUG

So, what stories get relegated to the bottom of the page, or even entirely different pages under specific sections (ex.: “Travel”, “National”, “World”)?

1. “Bush, China’s Hu Tackle Thorny Issues” --> Oh yeah, because NOTHING interesting could come from a very tense meeting between the world’s only superpower and the nation trying to take it’s spot in the power hegemony. Nope, nothing interesting or that could possibly affect the daily lives of over 1/6 of the world’s population… (Under “World” Section)

2. “26,000 U.S., Iraqi Troops Go on Offensive” --> That thing’s still going on? Oh yeah… how’s that going by the way? Oh wait! Some kinky couple welcomes their teen sex slave in a video online. Let me go look at that video and pretend to be outraged by it… (Under “World” Section)

3. “Mind-controlled bionic arm plays piano” --> Oh, that couldn’t POSSIBLY have any implications for:
1. Psychology
2. Neurology
3. Multiple Sclerosis
4. Muscular Dystrophy
5. Cerebral Palsy
6. Paralysis
7. The Elderly
8. Amputees
9. Brain Cancer
10. Robotics
11. Biology
12. Religion
13. Family & Caretakers of those with limited mobility
14. Need I continue? (Under “Science” Section)

4. “Auditors: Homeland Security Gets Mixed Grades” --> No, I don’t have ANY interest in how the people responsible for the destruction of the vast majority of rights protected by the Constitution are doing with their newfound, illegal powers – especially since it sounds like they’re doing a pretty crappy job. Nope, no interest whatsoever. After all, we’ve got a new season of “Desperate Housewives” coming up. (Under “Politics” Section)

5. “Homes Entering Foreclosures at Record” --> Looks like there will be a lot more desperate, poor people on the street. Well, it’s a good thing Warren Buffet’s wife is on duty! (Under “Business” Section)

CNN = MINDLESS, BIASED DRIVEL

So, next time someone tells me, “Well, it isn’t on CNN, so it can’t be that important/true/accurate/etc.”, I’m officially going to burst at least three capillaries in my forehead.

Here’s a REAL news flash for you: QUESTION ALL MAINSTREAM MEDIA! The Internet has given the average American unprecedented access to all sorts of information (which is precisely why the government keeps trying to find ways to censor it). Don’t trust something just because it comes from a “big” media outlet. Do your own research, look at multiple sources, and decide for yourselves.

One of the most powerful weapons that the masses can ever have is the truth. Knowledge, truth, and the ability to use them can overcome a great many lies and evils.

Don’t believe the hype!

Cheers,

E

Craptastic Television Review (Episode 2)

2007-08-29T16:50:00.000-07:00

TODAY’S EPISODE: Rock of Love, Episode 7, “Show Me Your Hits”

Man oh man, those VH1 execs sure have the creative juices a-flowin’ when it comes to their Celebreality TV show titles! Hope they have plenty of tissue around for cleaning up “the spillage”.

What am I saying? Of course they do! It’s “Rock of Love”, after all!

So, I actually missed the first couple of minutes of this week’s episode (stupid laundry), but I don’t think I missed anything important. When I came in, they were reading the “Bret Mail”, so I feel like I might as well just start there.

Bret Michaels basically likes to put these girls through challenges doing various tricks for him… and I’m not talking about the “circus” or “magician” type tricks either. Basically, this is the boot camp for the whore version of the Navy Seals. (The Whore Seals? Doesn’t have that much of a ring to it.)

Anywho, this week’s challenge is to go do a photo shoot for a hypothetical Bret Michaels album cover. (Hypothetical, of course, because your models having visible sores around their kibbles & bits is, to quote the inimitable John Brown, “Not a good look, bro.” Where is that guy nowadays?! HE needs his own Flavor of Love spinoff! Hallelujah, holla back.)

The girls show up at the shoot, and we meet Bret’s trusted photographer, Evo Lopez. I googled to find some of his photography, but I couldn’t find anything via the oracle. I then just typed in www.evolopez.com, but the “Evo” on that site spells it “Ivo”. Then again, growing up in LA I know how people trying to “make it” change their names every time some local starlet gets out of a car flashing her naked cooter to the paparazzi… so that’s like, every 15 minutes or so. Ironic timing, no?

Anyway, “Evo” breaks the girls up into two teams of three. Each team has to select two team members to be the models, and the third girl will be the “creative director” (AKA: skank ringleader). Whichever team wins will have the models go on a double date with Bret, while the creative director gets the (for some inexplicable reason) “coveted” one-on-one time with him.

The first team is Sam, Jes, and Lacey, with Mia, Heather, and Brandi M. on the second team. Seeing my two remaining favorites paired with Lacey was painful to watch. Despite the fact that Jes was the creative director on the team, Lacey pretty much butts in with her own (shitty) opinions on how everything should look because, in her own words, “I’ve been in a band for three years now. This is right up my alley.”

No, sweet cheeks, that would be a gang bang. And, all participants in together would still find your “alley” too roomy for their taste.

While Jes and Sam attempt to work around Lacey’s super-sized ego, Mia has to deal with Lacey’s favorite tag-along, Heather.

First of all, Heather looks more and more like a man to me every episode. Other than the fake titties, she’s built like a line-backer. Second of all, she’s got this delusional impression that she knows what is “sexy”. Every opportunity she gets, she says, “These girls don’t know shit about sexy”, and proceeds to display what the majority of humanity would define not as “sexy”, but rather as the epitome of the “star” of a donkey show.

So, basically Heather and Brandi come up with the brilliant idea that Brandi should dress up like a dude, and Heather should be a slutty whore on the car. (Hey, she does it everywhere else. Why not on a car?)

It hits me at this point that I might have been wrong about Randy – I mean “Brandi”. Last week, I thought she was pretending to be a lesbian to get Bret all excited about her. After her rampage in full male drag, I’m kind of thinking she might be pretending to be into DUDES in order to get attention. I mean, granted I tell people to suck my balls all the time, but I don’t stuff a sock down my pants and proceed to massage myself. She was just a little too into that whole “role-playing” scenario there.

Yeah, you keep living the dream there, Randy.

While the team of Leather and Randy (w/ ol’ “what’s-her-face”) get ready for their drag show, the other team comes up with the clichéd, and therefore sure to please Bret Michaels idea of girl-on-girl action in a bed. Basically, Sam plays the angel, and Lacey (what else?) the devil. (Perfect casting, for the record.)

They then try to come up with an album title. Oh Jimeny Christmas, as an English major and a writer, I knew this was going to be exceptionally painful for me. At one point, the Master’s Degree bound Sam suggests that they put their thesaurus caps on for a moment to think of a synonym for “angel”.

Lacey blurts out, “Goddess! How about goddess?”

*slams head repeatedly at work desk*

SINCE WHEN HAS “GODDESS” BEEN A SYNONYM FOR ANGEL?!?!?!?!?!

Seriously, this show is shaving, like, AT LEAST four years off of my life.

In Lacey’s defense, she’s a goddess in her own mind, and she doesn’t understand why no one else gets that. (Was Medusa a goddess, by the way? I could see her as THAT kind of goddess. Or maybe bat shit crazy Hera. But, Diana she ain’t.)

Anywho, I feel bad because Jes actually comes up with the “winning” album title: “How about, ‘When Love Dances with the Devil’?”

*winces*

Oh man, Jes. You’ve hit me hard. *wheezes* I want to like you SO BAD, girl! You rip on (and beat down) both Heather and Lacey. You don’t let anyone push you around. But, then… you go and say shit like that and… man… you’re making it WAY more difficult than you need to here.

Of course, in case you didn’t catch just exactly how shitty of an album name that is, let me just confirm its suckitude by mentioning that Lacey immediately loves it. Then, when it becomes clear that the team is going to use it, she makes sure to add in her confessional time that the title was one of her (many) ideas. (Believe me, I WISH Lacey could be blamed for that stinker of an album title.)

After picking their (terrible) album title, Lacey and Sam get all skanked out (although I must say Sam looked phuckin’ PHIERCE), and started rolling around on the bed for the photo shoot. Of course, Lacey had to flap her big mouth during the entire shoot with that retarded ass lip piercing making it even harder to understand the already nonsensical gibberish spewing forth from her. Even the photographer was ready to backhand a ho after 15 minutes or so. (Dag-bloody-nabit, I subconsciously rhymed again. Feh, get used to it.)

After the pain that is watching Lacey attempt to be sexy (which is about as sexy as when Hannibal Lecter eats the face off of the prison guard… and oddly reminiscent of that scene, too), we get to see Lacey be even more of a stubborn, selfish bitch as she pretty much shouts over both Jes’s and Sam’s opinions as to which photo to use for the album cover. Granted, I could understand why Lacey would be worried since Sam looked like a “goddess” in just about every shot, while Lacey looked like… well, Hannibal Lecter after he ate that prison guard’s face. (Hey, if the face fits…)

(Yes, I do know I ought to be beaten savagely for that horrible pun. You can all spit on my grave when the time comes.)

Finally, Sam and Jes give up and let Lacey have her way, which I’m not sure as to why they do that. I mean, Sam is like 5’10” and 120 lbs., and even she could wail on Lacey’s ass…

Eh, I guess I understand. It’s the same reason I don’t complain to the post office about my mail carrier’s borderline retardation, even though he’s lost about half of my mail. (That’s seriously not even an exaggeration. I can’t wait until he just so happens to come to deliver the mail at the same time that the ice cream man drives by, so that he’ll run/waddle off into the distance, never to be seen or heard from again. *sigh* A gal can dream, right?)

So, after all of THAT skanky “goodness”, it’s Team Two’s turn to get up there and show them what they’ve got. (Not that they haven’t been doing that for the entire duration of the show already.)

During the shoot, Heather does everything possible sexually to that car other than let the exhaust pipe penetrate her. I mean, seriously ladies and gentleman, the amount of skankdom in this woman would be enough reason for the Taliban to nuke us 50 times over if they ever got the chance. Meanwhile, Brandi puts on her best Butch “act” *snicker*, even commenting afterwards, “Heather looked hot! Hell, I’d have sex with her!”

We know, Randy. We know.

As for their terrible title, Team Two comes up with the slightly less groan-worthy “Broken Road”. Sure, it doesn’t make any bloody sense, but at least it’s not like nails grinding on the chalkboard.

Coincidentally, there’s a famous breakfast place in San Diego called “Broken Yolk”. I wonder if any of the girls were inspired by that restaurant… feh, probably not. I doubt they serve “Eggs Chlamydia” there.

After the photo shoot is mercifully over, we pan back to the house where Heather and Lacey are (what else?) scheming against the other girls in the house. Seriously, at this point I don’t even listen to what the hell they are saying. It just depresses me, making think, “Wow. I’m so glad millions of women got involved in the feminist movement in the 1970’s so that we could devolve into this.” Seriously, how many abortions do you all think the two of these gals have between them?

Meanwhile, Lacey bitches about how she did EVERYTHING for her team, and that she should “win” the solo date with Bret. Every other sentence out of her mouth is, “It’s not fair!”

Little reality check here, Lacey: not winning a single date with Bret Michaels is not even ON the spectrum of justice and fairness on this plane of existence. You know what’s not fair? The fact that the Bush Administration cuts off support to the countries most ravaged by the effects of AIDS if their programs even so much as mention the word “abortion” in passing. You know what’s not fair, Lacey? The fact that according to the statistics of exonerated death row inmates vs. inmates actually put to death, approximately 1 in 10 people on death row are innocent of the crimes that they are there for.

At best, not winning a one-on-one date with Bret Michaels is a mild annoyance akin to coming back from the Laundromat with one sock without a matching counterpart… if that.

Anyway, the girls get their pictures back, along with some comments from Evo regarding the selected shot and their themes. He pretty much tells both teams that they suck ass. Well put.

The two teams go out and present their covers to Bret. (Who, for the record, is too old and too fat to be wearing eye liner. If Jared Leto and Pete Wentz look like emo bitches wearing it, you KNOW you ought not to be working that look.)

Team Mia, Randy, and Leather go first. Their album cover is this:

Seriously, is there a single straight man out there that thinks Heather looks hot? Is there a single gay man out there ready to proclaim her a divalicious drag queen? *cricket chirps* Anyone?

Exactly.

Evo, little minx that he is, suggests that they are trying to represent Bret in Brandi’s white trash, gray-haired alter ego. They all stumble and swear it’s not. While I believe them, I think Bret should take it as a compliment if they did represent him in that fashion. Seriously, straight ladies and gay men – given the choice, who would you rather have tickle your insides?

This:

Or This:

You know what, after seeing those pics again, I’m going to include lesbians in the voting, as well. Goodness knows those two both look like something you’d find at “The Clamshell” bar.

Personally, I’d take the cyanide pill.

(NOTE: To those not “in the know” the cyanide pill option was created after the Chi Omega girls and I played the “If You Had to, Who Would You Rather Sleep with” game at our friend Beth’s house for a good two hours, and Beth finally threw out, “OK, Osama bin Laden or Saddam Hussein?” It was then that we agreed upon the cyanide pill inclusion clause, but it is ONLY to be used in the case of an emergency.)

I believe this case warrants it.

So, Bret pretty much hates their cover, and Mia gets blamed by everyone for it. I would feel bad for her, but she just takes it like a bad porno flick. Guess girlfriend’s got experience with it.

Time for the team of Jes, Sam, and Lacey to reveal their ho-tastic album cover:

Since this looks like the cover of next month’s “Hustler” magazine, Bret loves it, although he has concerns about this selling in “The Bible Belt”. Yes, Bret, because people in the Bible Belt:

A.) PURCHASE CDs
B.) Listen to anything other than Country, Gospel, and Lynyrd Skynyrd

Even with his concerns, Bret picks the Lacy/Jes/Sam cover. Of course, before they can do anything, Lacey starts whining AGAIN about how it’s so unfair that she doesn’t get a one-on-one date with Bret.

She decides to go into his room and tell him that she did everything on the shoot, and that Jes pretty much only did the make-up. Bret listens, but isn’t convinced.

He then brings Jes is, who tells him Lacey was a controlling bitch, and it was a struggle to get anything done because she was so bossy.

Seriously, Bret LOVES the gossip like no other Celebreality star I’ve seen on VH1. It’s like he’s permanently in Jr. High.

So, after some more scenes of Lacey being a whiny bitch, Bret takes her and Sam out to a restaurant called Neptune’s Net up in Malibu. (A seafood joint -- how appropriate.)

While there, Bret (being the 13-year old girl that he is) asks Sam and Lacey if he thinks Jes did a good job as creative director. Sam actually gets a chance to speak first, and she says that Jes did a good job, and that she was happy with the results.

Lacey, on the other hand, proceeds to go off on how she was responsible for the whole shoot, that Jes is a bitch, blah blah blah. What kills me is at the end of her rant, she says, “So, that’s all I have to say on that. Now, I’m gonna go take a pee.”

Bitch, have you ever watched a reality TV show in your life? You know Bret and Sam are going to talk about your ass the instant you get up to go “take a pee”. (Thanks for being so specific there, by the way. Because, “I’ll be right back” just wouldn’t have gotten your point across, would it?)

Sure enough, Bret asks Sam what she thinks of Lacey’s comments just then. Sam proceeds to lay it all out there about what a fake, maniacal, psychotic, manipulative bitch Lacey is. Bret even admits that he’s starting to see the craziness that EVERYONE ELSE is able to see in the house. Sam points out, “Can you trust that,” to which Bret admits that he can’t. Then, Sam, using the debate skills that the rest of the hoochies are so clearly lacking (except maybe Jes), asks, “Then what are you doing?” A clearly “Pwned” Bret stammers, “Duh, uh, I don’t know.”

Ya think?

Meanwhile, back at the house, Heather and Brandi decide that they’re going to take sexy pictures of each other to prove to Bret that they can put together a hot & skanky photo shoot.

Yeah, gals, I’m pretty sure Bret subscribes to “Shaved Beaver Weekly”, and has therefore seen “your work”. A superfluous photo shoot where you don’t even get free catering served to you isn’t worth your time. Just trying to help y’all out.

It then hits me why I don’t like Brandi. It comes out that she’s a stripper, which she’s been HIDING, apparently. But even more so, she decides to make an alliance with Heather. If that doesn’t make you a dumb whore quicker than dating Kevin Federline, I really don’t know what does.

Pan back to the date, time to put Sam back into the limo and Lacey back into her straight jacket and choke chain, while Jes hops out to go on her “super sexy” date with Bret.

What is a super sexy date? See, what I hear “super sexy” date, I think of getting dressed up in bondage gear, renting out a room at a local dungeon, and doing a little “teacher punishes the naughty school girl” scenario while filming it. Apparently, Bret thinks it consists of taking Jes for a ride on his motorcycle down the Malibu portion of PCH, then taking her to a picnic dinner on a private beach.

Wow, guess I’m just a freak like that. (For the record, Bret’s date does sound like fun, too.)

VOMIT MOMENT OF THE EPISODE: Bret says to the cameras in his confessional time that his beach date went fantastic with Jes, especially because, “We did a lot of sucking face.”

*hurl* I’m so sorry everyone for not only repeating his puke-worthy statement, but for posting that picture. The way I justify this to myself is I’m just helping out all the bulimics in the audience today.

OK, this blog is getting way too long, even by my own admission. Time to cut some corners here… but I’ve GOT to go into detail about the whoriffic photo shoot from Leather & Randy.

Here is what apparently passes for “sexy” around the trailer park these days:

She was having a flashbacks to getting busted for her meth lab… the fifth time. That one was AFTER the boob job.

Is she or is she not a DEAD-RINGER for Clementine Johnson on “Reno 911”?! Tell me I’m wrong!

That poor microphone. Bret’s definitely going to have to burn that, now. It’s like shooting a horse to put it out of its misery… the microphone, not Brandi.

I’m surprised the table didn’t collapse.

So, of course Heather goes and posts the Polaroid pictures right on Bret’s bedroom door. As soon as he gets home, he jizzes all over himself, saying, “Why didn’t they take these photos at the photo shoot?!”

Mia comes over and tries to get 5 minutes alone with him since she knows she’s in deep shit, now. Bret doesn’t want to hear it, though, and cops out by saying it’s time for everyone to have dinner together, and she can talk to him there.

So, down at dinner, Lacey starts going off again on her self-righteous animal rights shit, saying that after she learned about what KFC did to their animals, she realized she needed to “make some changes in my life”, and swore never to eat there again.

*sighs* Where to begin with this one…

A.) Lacey, you shouldn’t eat at KFC because it’s FUCKING K-F-C! Why don’t you just dig through some of Heather’s old underwear to get some “crabs” to eat while you’re going to KFC for “chicken”?
B.) I am a vegetarian. It’s not because I’m a PETA psycho who thinks that we got to the top of the food chain to eat twigs. In fact, I LOATHE PETA and their douchey tactics. I’m a vegetarian solely because my health has been the best it has ever been in my life since cutting out all meat and products made from dead animals (i.e. chicken broth, gluten, etc.). That being said, I don’t give a flying crap if someone eats meat in front of me, and I CERTAINLY don’t belittle them for doing so.

Brandi can’t take any more of Lacey’s BS, and leaves the table blaming a “headache”. I don’t even think she’s lying on that one. Bret follows her into her room, and finds her teary eyed on the bed. She tells him that she can’t stand one more minute of Lacey, and is afraid she’s going to hurt her if she stays around much longer.

Now, I wouldn’t CRY over that, but I feel her on not being able to keep herself from violently thrashing the Über bitch that is Lacey. Shoot, I only have to watch her on television for one hour a week, and I’d be hard pressed not build myself a nice little police record should I ever see her in person.

Bret convinces her to stay, just like he’s done with about every other girl in the house thus far.

Gals, on behalf of your collective parents, relatives, and respectable women of the world, I say, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!!! What were you even thinking setting foot in that house in the first place?! What do you “win” in this competition – a chance to be Bret Michaels’ chew toy for a week! You can do that for FREE at any JJ’s Steakhouse, Bar, and Grill across the Bible Belt!” (I hear they love him over there.)

Finally, it’s time for the elimination ceremony. The last two girls standing are Lacey and Mia. At this point, everyone on the planet (other than Leather) is collectively wishing that Bret would send Lacey home. Of course, the syphilis has already taken hold of his mind, and he’s unable to come to a rational decision. While he full on admits that everyone (including himself) thinks that she’s a crazy bitch, he goes on to explain that he loves how she’s “crazy for her man”.

First of all, Bret, you’re not her man. If so, why the hell do you have five other bitches behind her waiting to gobble your nob? Second of all, she’s not “crazy” for YOU. She’s just plain ol’, run of the mill crazy. I mean, look at this face:

Could you fall asleep knowing THAT was in your house? I’d rather sleep in a room filled with clowns hopped up on PCP.

So, Lacey survives another week, and Mia goes home. I can’t believe she actually cried. Crying over not getting to tickle Bret Michaels’s prostate anymore?! You know we’re in a war still, right Mia? Dayum.

Next week, the “fabulous five” get interviewed by three of Bret’s former sperm receptacles, also known as “super fans”. Until then, I think I’m going to read a book and keep the remaining brain cells I have in somewhat good condition.

NOTE: All pictures come from VH1.com, specifically, their "Rock of Love" page.)

Cheers,

Craptastic Television Review (Episode 1)

2007-08-22T16:10:00.000-07:00

One of my distinguishing personality “quirks” is that I love craptastic television. Everyone who knows me lets out a collective groan of disgust when I list my favorite TV shows. I know you all hate them, and I don’t give a flying poopsicle. I love me some craptastic TV.

As I was sitting at work with nothing to do until Best Buy decides to give me ANOTHER inane and stupid project because they are too retarded to do it themselves (like entering in the “Ship to” addresses on their POs – I’m not kidding), I decided that I am going to start reviewing my favorite craptastic TV shows.

VH1 has helped my dream come true by doing TWO spin offs of their craptastically delicious hit, Flavor of Love. While Rock of Love is now being aired, I Love New York 2 is now in the editing room getting ready for a fall premiere, and Flavor of Love 3 is now casting.

Even though it’s the somewhat less entertaining than Flavor of Love and I Love New York spinoff, “Rock of Love” is what is on VH1 right now. So, I’ll start with breaking down the characters for you. (NOTE: I’m not listing all of them, because some of them got eliminated before they stepped foot in the house. I am only reviewing the ones who said or did something worth commenting on.)

*NOTE*: All of the pictures below are from VH1's "Rock of Love" webpage.

BRANDI C.

If you look up the definition of “dumb blond” in the dictionary, this chick’s face will be right up front, drunk as hell with a jumbo pickle in her mouth. With such quotes as, “I love my breasts! They’re the best present that I got from my parents last year,” and “I miss my cat. I’m not kidding. Abnormally I miss her,” it’s amazing that her head doesn’t float off of her body from the amount of helium in it.

Still, even after being a whore (she encourages Bret to have a polygamous relationship as long as she can be the #1 girlfriend, AKA: “The Holly”), doing a porn movie after the show (which she explains thusly: “I have a couple of girlfriends who do it and I was just kinda bored and coming off the whole crazy ride of that show. I was like, “Well, let me try it out and see if it’s something that I like.”), I actually kind of liked her. I mean, who the heck else is BRET MICHAELS going to end up with? He’s not looking for someone to bring home to mom (unless she’ll make out with her).

I think Brandi won me over when she said one of the better lines from the show: “I wish I was as drunk as I look.” Dang it all if I don’t feel like that a good half the times I drink. Girlfriend is A-OK by me.

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 4

BRANDI M.

I really want to like Brandi M. She seems like she’s got a good head on her shoulders. She’s a party girl without being a skank. She’s somewhat intelligent, and she has a fairly good sense of humor.

But, at the end of the day, Brandi M. kind of pisses me off. It finally hit me why when on this week’s episode (which I’ll review if I actually get a chance to watch it) she says on her date with Bret, “I can’t see myself marrying a woman. I’ll have sex with one, though. Don’t get me wrong. But then I’ll kick her out afterwards.”

Now, I don’t care if she’s bisexual. Whatever floats your boat, sister. MY thing is that there have been SOOOOOOO many “girl-on-girl” make-out sessions in the house, and in several of them, the camera has caught Brandi M. either laughing her butt off, or acting like she’s going to puke. Also, with all of these chicks making out with each other, including the ones who claim to be totally straight, Brandi has never even kissed another girl on the cheek.

Therefore, it is my personal opinion that she was just saying that to get Bret’s attention. And, I hate it when people are phonies, or try to become something that they’re not. So annoying. So, Brandi M. is on my “Sucks” list… even though I should probably put her on the “Munches” list. Feh, you get the point.

Oh, and it pissed me off that she actually BRAGS that she can fit her fist in her mouth. Am I supposed to be impressed by that? Call me back when you can fit a 20 oz. bottle of Aquafina in there, and then maybe you can give me some competition. (Yes, I have photographic proof. No, I'm not posting it.)

STATUS: Still in it to win it!

CINDY/RODEO

No one calls her “Cindy” on the show, including her. Her nickname is “Rodeo”. At first, I thought she’d piss me off because of such a stupid nickname. But, she actually became my favorite in the show. Definitely a Mommy figure, she had one of the few genuine connections with Bret. Also, I liked that she was at least SOMEWHAT close to his age, and probably was alive when he was at the height of his fame.

Plus, she kicked Lacey’s ass. That alone is enough to make me be on Team Rodeo.

Alas, she got eliminated because Bret knew she missed her little boy too much to continue the show. RIP Rodeo. You were definitely the best one for Bret in the house. Be thankful you escaped without catching “the herp”… I hope. =/

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 4

DALLAS

Again, I thought I wouldn’t like Dallas, because normally people who are named after cities are as retarded as the parents who named them. But, this Dallas kicked ass, if for no other reason than she continuously tortured Lacey. (Can you tell who my least favorite person is in the cast, yet?)

Basically, Lacey is a psychotic bitch. She also is a huge PETA activist. Coincidence? I think not. (This is coming from a vegetarian, mind you.) So, Dallas torments Lacey by saying she wears fur, leather, eats meat, and would slit any animal’s throat if it was there right then and there. While that sounds bad, I believe she was just saying that last part to drive Lacey bat shit insane – and it worked.

Dallas became my reality show hero of the week when Lacey made some stupid comment about how Dallas should go eat a squirrel. Dallas’s response?

“What was Bret wearing a couple of day ago? Snakes! Snakes! Snakes! He was wearing &*%$*@# animals!”

So, basically Dallas called out Lacey for the hypocrite that she is. BEAUTIFUL. Alas, Bret Michaels is a moron, and kept Lacey over Dallas.

The one problem I have with Dallas is that in her bio she says her hero is Marilyn Manson. Anyone who says their hero is Marilyn Manson is an emo douche who is disillusioned enough to think that somehow their pain is worse than anyone picked at random in the developing world. End of story.

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 3

ERIN

Aww man, that’s my GIRL right there!

At first, I thought I would despise Erin. Her bio claims she was “Miss Hooters Illinois”, and she has quite possibly the biggest and fakest looking breast implants I’ve seen outside of the porn industry.

But, Erin soon proved herself not only to be quite intelligent, but also well spoken, respectable, and vicious with the comebacks. And, there was quite a lot of hate being thrown at her.

My favorite Erin moment was when Brandi C. was pissed at her for winning a date with Bret. She full on called her “clown tits”. (Another reason Brandi C. eventually won me over. “Clown tits” – that’s pretty flippin’ funny, right there.) Without even skipping a beat, Erin says to her, “Sweetie, you’re not even that pretty. Oh sorry, that’s right, you’re pretty in the meth world with your meth-scratched face.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That’s so something I would say. OK, so granted we later find out those scars are from a terrible car accident. But, the fact that Brandi C. referred to them as “a disability” made me feel better for laughing in the first place.

“Meth-scratched face” – AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It just doesn’t get old.

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 5

HEATHER

Whore.

If Lacey is my least favorite person on the show, Heather is my second least favorite. She’s a 32 year-old stripper with some of the worst white trash hair I have ever seen in my life – and I watch A LOT of Jerry Springer and COPS. A few examples:

EXAMPLE: When on a double date with Brad and Magdalena, Magdalena calls her out on her stripping. Bret asks her how long she plans to strip. She says, “I’ve got 6 more months left. When I started stripping, I said to myself, ‘Well, I’ll give it a try for five years, and then I’ll stop.’ I’ve been doing it four and a half years, so in 6 months I’m out.”

Oh where, oh where to begin on this? First of all, who “tries” anything for FIVE YEARS? If she was going to “try” stripping, she would do it for a month. No one “tries” anything for five years. That’s like “trying” college for five years to see if you’re going to do anything with it.

Second of all, ho is 32 years old. If someone “tries” stripping, they’re usually paying for school and under the age of 21. If you’re a 32 year old stripper, you’re a fucking professional at this point. This is not trying a new job – it’s is a frickin’ CAREER. Take that reality check and cash it in for some Pampers money.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a dumb whore. If you’re going to be a whore, at least be a smart one, so you can hopefully graduate to full-on “hustler” status by the time those fake titties are the only things not wrinkled and sagging on your body. Heather is the expired milk of the house, at this point, and she doesn’t even realize it.

WHORE.

STATUS: Still in it to win it!

JES

*sigh* I want to like Jes. I really do. I know she’s one of the few non-skanks remaining on the program. She’s very pretty, and she’s a somewhat smart gal. And, she nearly broke Lacey’s ankle in the football game episode last Sunday. So, she’s mostly OK with me.

But, I just can’t throw my full support behind her. I don’t know why. She just strikes me as the type of girl who only has male friends. GUYS: If your girlfriend only has male friends, BE VERY AFRAID. It means one of three things:

1. She’s a whore
2. She’s a total bitch, and only men will put up with her because she’s good looking; or
3. She’s a total bitch, and only men will put up with her because she gives out BJs like they’re Kleenex – who ever sneezes gets one.

In Jes’s case, I’m guessing it’s number 2. But, since she took Lacey down a couple of notches, I’ll keep her on the “Cool” list for now.

STATUS: Still in it to win it!

KRISTIA

Brandi C. and her became “best friends” within minutes of meeting each other. After approximately five minutes, they were mashing their boobs together, with Kristia screaming, “If we put our boobs together, we can think better!”

Good… freaking… gosh. Susan B. Anthony is rolling over in her grave right now. Granted, she would love to be the meat in that “deep thinking” sandwich, but she’d still be horrified at the implications upon womankind. Then again, I think Susie preferred brunettes….

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 3

LACEY

I cannot even find the words to describe my complete and utter contempt for this, in her own words, “waste of sperm and egg”.

Lacey is a psycho. She tries to get every girl out of the house that isn’t a skank, or that doesn’t lick her hairy asshole. (So, pretty much everyone other than Heather.)

She’s also a total hypocrite. She PROCLAIMS to be a staunch PETA member. Yet, Bret Michaels makes no bones about the fact that he loves meat, he loves to hunt, and he frequently wears all sorts of animal skins and furs. And, Lacey just smiles and rubs another one out for him. But, all hell breaks loose should one of the other girls in the house suggest that they are not a militant PETA douche.

The other thing about Lacey is she acts like she’s so tough. Meanwhile, she’s gotten her ass handed to her in every single fight she’s gotten into. Dallas, Rodeo, and Jes have all kicked her stankin’ ass, and yet she still continues to think she’s all hard and shit. I can’t stand people like that. I may talk a lot of shit, but at least I know that if I was in a fight with anyone under the age of 95, I’d end up with three remaining teeth and a concussion.

STATUS: Still in it to win it!

MAGDALENA

OK, so I might have a personal bias towards Magdalena since she’s a tall gal like myself (she’s 6’3”). But, I do think she kicks ass.

First of all, she and Sam are the smartest girls in the house. (Who would have thought the Polish girl would be one of the smart ones? Oh c’mon, there aren’t nearly enough Polish jokes going around these days…)

Here’s why I like Magdalena: she tells it like it is. Magdalena calls out the whores in the house to their faces… and often in front of Bret’s. On Heather’s explanation of her “6 more months” of stripping, Magdalena says, “That’s the classic stripper line. ‘I’m gonna quit next month’.” Wow, I guess Polish strippers are just like American strippers.

I would say I hope she won, but with shows like these, “winning” is really losing.

STATUS: Eliminated Episode 6

MIA

No one really knows about this chick because she hasn’t gotten much TV time.

But, she’s still around, so I guess she’s got something going for her. In the mean time, she’s on the fence with me. She hasn’t done anything stupid, but she hasn’t done anything amusing either.

STATUS: Still in it to win it!

SAM

Definitely my favorite gal out of the bunch. She’s the only girl left with any sort of serious brain power. I also like Sam because she stays true to herself. She gets upset when she sees Bret making out with the other girls, she admits she has trust issues, and she seems to have genuine feelings for Bret.

Alas, I’m betting that she’ll be eliminated in the next two episodes since she won’t put out and/or she can’t handle seeing him make out with all sorts of different women. It’s all good, though. She’s better off without him, anyway.

STATUS: Still in it to win it!

UNTIL NEXT TIME...

So, I have now (hopefully) caught you up on the characters of this show. I might not get a chance to see Episode 6 this week. But, if I do, I'll do a scathing & amusing review of it. Otherwise, I'll just wait until next week. (I know, I know -- you're crushed.)

Until next time, remember: when deciding what to watch on just remember all of it is crap, but only the rarest of jewels are craptastic. O=)

Cheers,

E

My Take on Barry Bonds

2007-08-10T15:50:00.000-07:00

So, unless you make it point to be completely unaware of the news (which I can’t blame you for doing, quite frankly), you’ve probably already heard that Barry Bonds broke one of the most beloved and longest-running records in sports. By hitting home run #756 on Tuesday night, Bonds officially broke Hank Aaron’s home run record set in the 70’s. (While Aaron officially broke Babe Ruth’s record in 1974 with 715, he finished off his career in 1976 with a staggering 755 runs.)

Can we get serious for a moment: Is there anyone outside of the City of San Francisco that thinks that we should celebrate this? Heck, is there anyone IN San Francisco who, if they really look at the facts, say, “Yeah, we should be celebrating this man and his accomplishments”?

If there is anyone, I have a bridge for sale that you might be interested in…

NOT SAYING ANYTHING NEW

Now, I know I’m no sports reporter. (I know, shocker huh?) I’m sure all of these trained journalists who have studied baseball for years have much more eloquence and historical facts to utilize in explaining their points of view.

However, it seems that this “love” of the game has deluded several sports writers into writing various pieces ranging from, “He might be an ass, but he’s a great hitter with or without steroids,” to “He’s brought so much attention back to the game,” to “He’s EARNED that title.” How anyone could see this as a moment to celebrate or congratulate, I don’t know.

Quite frankly, I believe it’s one of the worst things to happen in baseball history.

“HE EARNED THAT TITLE”

Out of all of the arguments that I’ve heard in favor of Bonds becoming the new “home run king” (which makes me want to puke even typing that), this one has got to be the most outlandish, unfounded, and ridiculous claim of all.

Barry Bonds earned that title like a bank robber earned that bank’s money.

“Hey, that bank robber had to have natural talent in order to get away with the robbery! He had to be naturally good at handling money in order to make his way across the Mexican border without being arrested. He had to be super intelligent to plan the whole thing out and not get caught. He was so brave to go into that bank, knowing he might be shot by the bank tellers, or by the police & SWAT teams. Man oh man, make no mistake, that bank robber EARNED that money!”

Seriously, it’s about the same logic.

Unless you are either choosing to remain purposely detached from reality or a moron, you recognize that Barry Bonds uses steroids. To claim otherwise is either completely ignorant or retarded – and I’m not sure which is worse.

Meanwhile, Hank Aaron did it the all-natural way. Nothing ever came easy to that man. He Born to poor dock workers, he had to not only work his ass off to get to the big leagues, but he had to deal with rampant racism at the time, as well. The stadiums he was at suffered from record low attendance in the run-ups to his record breaking home run. And, right before he did break the record, he was receiving regular death threats against his whole family.

Barry Bonds would have been a great athlete without steroids. BUT, he would have never beat Hank Aaron’s record without the help of steroids. All you have to do is listen to the man – all of his problems are someone else’s fault. He would have never beat the home run record naturally because he doesn’t have the work ethic, or (and perhaps more importantly) the personal accountability to recognize his mistakes and to correct them.

Barry Bonds “earned” home run #756 like little, rich frat boys with IQs lower than Paris Hilton make their ways into Ivy League colleges.

And, let me just say for the record, Bonds planned that home run to be in his home stadium, and it’s a darn good thing he did. I can’t imagine the response from anywhere else would have been anything other than boos mixed with a few intermittent cheers – from the same idiots who claim he “earned” his title.

“HE’S BROUGHT SO MUCH ATTENTION BACK TO THE GAME”

It’s undeniable – Barry Bonds’s home run chase sold out every stadium he was in for weeks. He’s the number 1 athlete googled in the past weeks, as well.

It can’t be denied that Barry Bonds has brought back “attention” to the game. The real question is what kind of attention is it?

Barry Bonds has brought attention back to baseball like Tonya Harding brought back attention to ice skating.

“Sure, Harding had her meth head boyfriend/husband/cousin hire some borderline retarded goon to smash in a fellow competitor’s knee with a baseball bat. But, look at all the attention ice skating is getting now! People actually watch it on TV! Look at all the money we’re making from selling tickets and advertising opportunities! This is GREAT for the sport of ice skating!”

No, it’s great for the BUSINESS of ice skating.

The thing about modern sports is that it has been impossible to separate sports from business. But, even though they are inevitably entwined, THEY ARE STILL SEPARATE ENTITIES.

Sure, Bonds’s home run chase has boosted lagging ticket sales. Home audience viewership has skyrocketed, as well. The business side of baseball has profited from Bonds.

Perhaps that’s why they have turned a blind eye to Bonds’s obvious steroid use. When your pockets are being lined with the proceeds of someone’s cheating, it makes it very hard to be an objective party.

But, make no mistake, the sport of baseball is being ruined by Bonds. How long do you think the renewed attention is going to last now that Bonds has hit #756? I give it two weeks tops.

Then, after that, baseball enthusiasts everywhere have to reconcile themselves to the fact that a man who worked his ass off his entire life, withstood setbacks and prejudice, and still managed to come out on top (and be a genuinely good person, to boot), has now been replaced in the record books by a cheating, steroid-using, cocky, arrogant man who blames everyone for his problems other than himself.

The fact of the matter is if there’s any “bright” note of the new “attention” brought from Bonds to baseball, it’s that maybe everyone will think a little bit more about what kind of example it sets for kids (and also adults) watching baseball. Having Barry Bonds be the “home run king” is like putting a giant poster in schools saying, “Hey kids: Cheating pays off – just so long as you pay every one off. All the best, Barry Bonds.”

“HE MIGHT BE AN ASS, BUT HE’S A GREAT HITTER WITH OR WITHOUT STEROIDS”

This is probably the most well-thought out argument I’ve come across in defense of Barry Bonds. You can’t debate either of those facts. Barry Bonds is an ass, but he is a fantastic hitter.

But, what all does that mean? Bonds is by no means the only great hitter to ever walk onto the field of Major League baseball. If Hank Aaron could do all that he did WITHOUT the help of steroids, imagine what he would have done if he was as juiced as Barry Bonds!

Even by today’s standards, Barry Bonds isn’t even necessarily the best hitter on the field. Alex Rodriguez (for all of his faults) is nearing home run #500. The guy is only 32 years old, and has been in the major league since 1994. Barry Bonds, by contrast, has been in the majors since 1986. A-Rod has done in 13 years what it took Barry Bonds 15 years to do (www.baseball-reference.com).

I’m no math major, but it seems to me the only thing Bonds has up on A-Rod is the number of years on the field.

But, it’s true. Barry Bonds is a great hitter. Yes, he draws the crowds in with his antics. Yes, he makes people pay more attention at the games.

But, what does it all mean at the end of the day? Saying “Barry Bonds is an ass, but he’s a great hitter with or without steroids” is like saying, “Lindsay Lohan is a coked up psychotic bitch, but she’s a very talented actress.” Do you think anyone is knocking down Lindsay Lohan’s door saying: “Please bring your addiction and emotional problems to my set, just so that I can have your talent in my movie! Never mind that it will cost more to keep your ass alive and out of jail (let alone actually coherent on my set) than the movie will actually bring in at the theatres, or that you’ll be completely ungrateful for all of our money and effort. You’re a very talented actress, so we’re going to look the other way, and bend over backwards to make sure you stay out of trouble”?

People actually did that for a while with Lindsay Lohan; but, look at where she is today. No one wants to hire her. Hollywood is shunning her. Everyone is pronouncing her career dead.

Meanwhile, Barry Bonds has been able to put on his Giants jersey every day, has played every game that he was physically able to, and has been allowed to be named the “home run king”. Why? Why does Barry Bonds’s addiction to steroids differ from Lindsay Lohan’s to cocaine and alcohol? Why does Bonds get to make it into the records while Lohan will be lucky to be able to afford rehab in 5 years?

“YOU’RE JUST A HATER”

I’ll put this out there right now: I am a die-hard Dodgers fan. I make no bones about it. I love the Dodgers with a fierce sense of loyalty usually only reserved for family and very close friends. I would take a bullet for Russell Martin. Yes, the Giants are the enemy, and I do seriously consider if I find out someone is a Giants fan if we can still be friends.

I’ll also tell you right now that I AM a hater. I love the hate. I belong to the Hater-Nation. My favorite Chappelle Show clip of all-time is “The Haters’ Ball”. Hating is an art form, and I work on my skills all day every day.

Those disclaimers out of the way, I want to emphasize that if Barry Bonds had not done steroids, and had truly earned all 756 home runs through hard work and effort, I would have given him a standing ovation.

For example, I absolutely HATE the New England Patriots. I loathe them with a passion that ranks just below the Giants, and just above peacock shit on the hood of my car. But, I think Tom Brady is an all-right guy. (Bleah, I just threw up in my mouth a little.)

Seriously, though, while I love to “hate” on Brady, deep down I really do like and respect the guy. (OK, now I full-on vomited on my laptop.) He’s a fantastic player, and he got that way by hard work, dedication, and persistence.

If Barry Bonds hit home run #756 Tuesday night with a steroid-free past, even if he was still as big of an ass as he is now, I would give the guy his dues. I would say, “You know what? I don’t like him. I hate his team. But, the man has an incredible gift, and I can’t hate on that.”
But, that’s not what’s going on. Instead, he’s a juiced up, egomaniacal PHONY.

Let me ALSO say this: If Barry Bonds had done everything the exact same way, yet was on the Dodgers instead of the Giants, I would probably be booing even louder than I was when he beat the record playing for the Giants.

Why? Because I expect more from my team. If my beloved Dodgers EVER let a steroid-shooting, surly, arrogant jerk play for their team not just for one season, but for so long that he could take away a very honorable man’s record by cheating, I would be so mad that I would never step into Dodgers Stadium again.

And, that brings me to the main point of this blog. The fact of the matter is this is a moral issue. By letting Barry Bonds become “home run king”, the MLB business offices have killed whatever morality and honor that was left in major league baseball. They’ve allowed the message that “Cheating is not only acceptable; it’s rewarded,” to be pumped into our homes and cars all over the nation. It’s saying that hard work, patience, persistence, and a good character aren’t what matters; just so long as you’re the best, they don’t care what you have to do to get there.

What a great lesson. I just wish someone had taught me that in elementary school. I would have never tried so hard to get everything that I have today.

Good thing we have the MLB business tycoons, the Giants, and Barry Bonds nowadays. Surely our children will not make the same mistake that we did.

Cheers,

E

Just Blog, Bitch!

2007-08-07T16:40:00.000-07:00

IT ALL STARTED WITH NOVARTIS...

So, I had this whole LONG blog that I was writing on the Novartis case. To make a long story short (since I already made the blog too dang long, anyway), Novartis had challenged the Indian Government's patent laws (which were agreed upon by the international community, including pharmaceutical companies, in 2001 with the Trade-Related Aspects of Intellectual Property Rights (TRIPS) Agreement and Public Health).

If Novartis had won it's case, it could have had a devastating effect on the generic drug market, which would be severly detrimental to AIDS ravaged countries that depend on less-expensive generic medications to help curb the rising death tolls from AIDS.

GOOD NEWS... EXCEPT THAT I'M A PERFECTIONIST

Today, I got an e-mail today from one of my activist groups that let me know the Indian Government had dismissed Novartis's case, and that Novartis stated that they did not plan to appeal the decision. This is tremendously exciting news for the millions of people in developing nations that depend on the generic antiretroviral drugs (ARVs) to extend their lives.

I guess my only anger now is directed at myself. I took so dang long writing up an essay on the subject that I never got around to posting it, which defeats the whole purpose of writing an essay to gain public awareness. I mean, the thing is now about seven pages long, and it's not even finished. That's just too dang much talking.

I wish I could have done more to help in this cause, but I couldn't even get a frickin' BLOG out to my friends so as to garner more attention to this issue because of my obsession with perfect grammar, spelling, and (most importantly) LOGIC. I didn't want anyone to come back at me arguing for Novartis. I wanted my argument to be rock solid on the first try, answering all counterarguments before they could even leave the minds of the people who thought them.

But, then I thought about the whole situation... the "big picture". Really this is a HUGE victory for so many millions of people. These generic drugs don't just save lives of the people with diseases like AIDS. In places like sub-Saharan Africa that has 24.5 million people infected with AIDS and at least 12 million orphans whose parents died from AIDS related diseases, an entire generation is being affected by having to grow up without their biological parents. And, while many Africans extend extreme generosity in taking in several members of their extended family when their parents pass, millions of children are having to grow up in orphanages.

Now, their parents can survive and raise them into their adulthood, giving the children a much better chance of success in their future, as well as giving their parents a much more peaceful passing knowing that they will not be abandoning their children.

True, I worried so much about making "the perfect" argument that I didn't gather more awareness and support for this cause via friends and random strangers that read my blog. That's a mistake I don't want to repeat. It's happened before, but this was the last straw for me.

CHANGES

You see, in the past few months, I've seen some serious changes in the greater American public, particularly my generation. We are tired of the status quo. We not only recognize that we are being lied to (by our government, by the mainstream media, by corportate America, etc.), but we're actually starting to DO something about it. And, even those who haven't actively started doing something about it are at least getting so fed up with the way things are that they are looking for ways to make this world better.

In the past few months, I've seen some major victories occur at the hands of some of my grassroots activism groups:

- The Novartis Case Dismissed. (08/07)
- Starbucks consenting to the demands of the Ethopian farmers after boycotts were formed. (06/07)
- The Clean Energy Bill being passed in the US House of Representatives after several months of back-and-forth arguing. (08/07)
- The UN Security Council announced that it will deploy 26,000 peacekeepers and police to from a full hybrid UN-African Union mission in Darfur by the end of 2007. (08/07)

Still, with all of these wonderful movements forward, there is always work to be done. I know I personally get overwhelmed by just how much evil and wrongdoing is occuring in our world. Its sheer magnitude can become so terrible that often we either try to ignore everything out of hopelessness, or we try to take on everything at once, which eventually leads to ignoring the millions of problems because of hopelessness.

JUST BLOG, BITCH!

I've never been skilled in the art of brevity. I never had a problem with the 25+ page essays. The ones I loathed were the one page summaries I had to do on a Shakespearean play. (For the record, Dr. Rocklin, I'm so glad you made me do those... even though they haunt my every waking hour.)

But, from now on, I'd like to definitely make the bulk of my blogging about stupid things that either amuse me, or piss me off... thereby allowing me to be a catty bitch, which in turn also amuses me.

HOWEVER, when I get notice of a really important issue next time, I'm not going to worry about making the perfect argument. If you have a problem with any of the views I have, or any of the stances I take on issues, by all means let me know about it. I'll be more than happy to explain myself.

If you want to nit pick at my grammar and/or spelling, just be aware that 99.9% of the blogs are written when I shouldn't be blogging, thus making for an often rushed blog that I don't always get to proofread before I hit the "Publish Post". I promise I'll go through and correct things on any new blog later. Believe me -- I hate having spelling and grammatical errors in my writing far more than you hate having to read them.

Are we cool, then?

Woo hoo! And, on that note, here's a fabulous graphic that I recently found that amuses me greatly.

=) And, all was right with the world...

Cheers,

E

A Peek into ElizabethWorld

2007-07-24T15:31:00.000-07:00

So, I just finished typing a completely stream-of-consciousness e-mail to one of my dearest friends in the whole world, Heather. Heather (AKA: HAO) is getting married this weekend. (Huzzah for HAO!) I'm one of her bridesmaids, and the only one living in this state. (I'm talking about California, for the record, not "state of insanity" for you smart asses out there.) So, I've been doing a lot of "bridesmaid thingys" in preparation for the wedding.

Anywho, I had a quick question to ask her in regards to the wedding this Saturday. The only problem? There is no such thing as "quick" when it comes to communication with me. No quick e-mails, no quick phone calls, no quick stories -- nada. I take a dang long time to say what I've got to say, and I've got a lot to say. But, hey, if I didn't, you wouldn't be reading this blog now, would you? O=)

Awww, who am I kidding? No one is reading this dang blog, to begin with. >=(

Anywho, back to my earlier story. After hitting "send", I realized that this is a perfect glimpse into how spazzy and random my brain is. I make "Family Guy" look like a geometry proof.

So, here is the e-mail, which I found quite amusing after reading it. I should start doing that BEFORE I hit the "send" button, but then I wouldn't have as much to blog about, now, would I?

And now, without further ado, (or is it "adieu"? Feh, I think "ado" makes more sense. D'oh, I keep proving my earlier point), here is a glimpse inside ElizabethWorld. Bring a flashlight, and please forgive the spelling and/or grammar errors. Again, this was stream-of-consciousness e-mail written at work.

------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Quick Wedding Question
From:xxxxxxxx@someemailprovider.com
To: xxxxxxxx@someemailprovider.com
Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2007 3:27 pm

Hey HAO! I had a quick wedding question for you (hence the appropriately named "subject line"). =)

I'm trying to get the wedding schedule together in regards to Scott. See, his Mom (and I just realized how ironic this sentence is about to become), is going in for the Lasik eye surgery. (You see! Dang it, I did it again. LOL! I'm sorry, you, Scott, and my Dad are the only people in my life who appreciate this punnery, so I have to take full advantage of it.)

OK, so back to business. Scott's Mom is going in to get the Lasik eye surgery on Friday. She'll be in and out the same day, and will be resting up at home by the afternoon. Still, Scott and I both thought it would be nice for Scott to spend the evening with his Mom on Friday night, just to add a little extra comfort factor for her.

So, I'm trying to figure out now what time should Scott meet up with me for the wedding. I was thinking he could come along with me to the photo session portion (around 2:30PM), but I wasn't sure if that would be bad wedding manners. (If so, please forgive me -- I WAS born in a barn. And by "barn", I mean Cedar's Sinai.) So, either he could come along with me for the make-up & dressing portion (but, I'm thinking that's "girl" time), or he could show up for the photo session, and just hang out with our wedding gift (it's quite large), OR he could just show up for the wedding before 4PM.

How do you feel about having Scott meet up with me at the church around 2:30PM? Obviously, I'll just have him hang around outside the range of the camera lens; and, if he's late I'm not going to wait around for him and hold up the wedding pictures. Otherwise, I'll just have him show up at 3:30PM, a bit before the wedding.

Again, let me know if you need any last minute assistance! =D

Take care,
Elizabeth

Two Plus Months

2007-07-19T18:57:00.000-07:00

TWO PLUS MONTHS

It’s been over two months since I moved down to San Diego. Thanks so much to everyone who has asked me how things are doing here. I really appreciate that my friends care… or at least are able to fake caring in a manner in which I can’t discern if it’s real or not. Kudos to you either way! =D

Overall, I’m very happy here. San Diego still doesn’t feel like home, and I’m not sure it ever really will. But, for now, it kind of feels like an adventure, or an extended vacation – not too shabby either way.

Really and truly, the best thing about being in San Diego is getting to be with Scott all the time. =) Instead of seeing him only on the weekends, I see him almost every day. I must admit, while I was for the most part confident that everything would turn out fine, there was a little seed of doubt in my mind, worrying that perhaps we’d get sick of each other.

It’s quite the opposite, though. I love every minute I spend with Scott. Even right now, Scott is in the other room working on some 3-D modeling for his class, and I’m sitting in the living room typing out this blog. But, just knowing that any time I want to, I can get off my ass and go see him (among other things not suitable for print)… well, it’s pretty much paradise. =)

Kind of off topic, but July 29th will be our 1 year anniversary. I’m not quite sure how to make it special. I'm sure you'll read all about it later… well, probably not ALL about it later. I’d feel bad if I burned out my friends’ retinas. =(

SAN DIEGO VS. LOS ANGELES

Like I said, SD doesn’t feel like home to me. But, really, if I had to move anywhere outside of L.A., I’m glad it was San Diego.

For starters, San Diego’s landscape, environment, and the plant and animal life are so similar to L.A.’s; it helps me to not feel so homesick. It really doesn’t look so different around here.

Then again, there are some things that I really miss about LA… things I wouldn’t have expected to miss three or so months ago. More than anything, I miss the freeways. It sounds weird, but I miss my freeways where I knew all of the exits and recognized all of the numbers. I’ve spent so much time on them, both driving and riding as a passenger. To me, a huge part of LA is its freeway system. We all spend so much time on there, and we don’t really realize how much a part of our lives it becomes until we’re away from it.

I miss the San Gabriel Mountains, too. I mean, San Diego is by no means flat, but there are no mountains here the size of the San Gabriels. Living in the foothills all of my life, they’ve just always been there. Again, I never really noticed them until I didn’t see them anymore.

Oh, how human that is – you really never notice the things that seep into your subconscious, the things that become a part of you, until they aren’t there any longer.

I miss Pasadena, and I miss the old Pasadena place I was living in. That place was so flippin’ awesome. I loved living in that old, Craftsman-style bungalow. I liked having all of those friendly families around who’d say hi to me when I was walking around the neighborhood. I miss that huge ass backyard, and being able to have parties with my friends. I mean, the apartment I’m living in now is cool, and I love my roomie. (Janelle is the best roommate I’ve ever had.) Still, I miss that house, and I miss living the Pasadena lifestyle.

That being said, there are some things about San Diego that I really like. I LOVE living so close to the beach. I've always wanted to live within walking distance of the beach at least once in my life. Now that I do, I am so glad that I made that goal happen. Last Thursday, Scott and I went to the beach after work, and we just swam around and played in the ocean for a bit. That’s such a luxury, and I won’t soon forget just how blessed I am to be able to do that.

That’s another thing – beaches are WAY cleaner and nicer here in San Diego. There are a lot more people and volunteer groups cleaning up the beaches around here. I don’t know why people care more about the beaches here, but it sure is nice to be able to go to the beach and feel free to walk around without worrying about stepping on a used condom.

Really, that’s what I like most of all about San Diego… not the “not stepping on a used condom” part (although that is much appreciated). There’s just a feeling around San Diego that people really care about and take pride in the community – and that there’s a community in the first place.

In LA, everything is so spread out. Even in someplace central like Pasadena, it took me at least a half an hour to get anywhere. The LA Zoo was in Burbank, all the Hollywood sights were down in Hollywood (go figure), the hot clubs were in Downtown (which is a royal bitch to get to). Then, the beaches are 45+ minutes away, and they are so far away from each other. Hiking is up in the mountains, and the hiking spots are so spread out – from Malibu to Mt. Baldy. The amusement parks are in Anaheim and Valencia – a good two hours away from each other (with traffic, which there always is).

It’s just a fact of life in LA that if you want to do something, you have to spend time in your car to get there. And, I think that helps to contribute to the lack of community up there. No one really gets to spend a lot of time in their own neighborhood. People have to drive, or at bare minimum take shitty public transportation for work, home, shopping, errands, and fun. There’s no time for community when everyone is on the move.

But, in San Diego, there is a much stronger sense of community. I would have to say in all of my experience traveling around California, San Diego has the most proud citizenry, and the most sense of a community. A perfect example: Balboa Park.

As I mentioned above, in LA you have to drive all over the place to get out and do things. In San Diego, one of the many options is Balboa Park (www.balboapark.org). It’s centrally located next to the downtown area. There, they have over 15 museums, including the Museum of Photographic Arts, the SD Air & Space Museum, and the SD Natural History Museum (which currently has the Dead Sea Scrolls, which I’m dragging Scootz to soon). =)

But, that’s not all Balboa Park has. The San Diego Zoo (WITH PANDAS!!!) is right next door. You don’t even have to move your car to go from the Dead Sea Scrolls to the Pandas – you just walk your ass over. Then, if you go to their calendar on their website, you’ll see that there is always some art or cultural event going on there. When Scott and I went the last couple of times, they had an Orchid Festival, and a Native American Pow Wow out by the Cultural Center (also right next-door to Balboa Park).

There is NOTHING even close to Balboa Park in LA. The closest thing is Griffith Park, and even with that you’ve got to drive from one end of the park to another – especially if you want to go to the Observatory. But, places like Balboa Park are common around San Diego – places where people can go, learn, and have fun – and can mix and mingle with others without having to spend half of their day in the car.

That’s really what I love about San Diego: everyone is so proud and happy to live here. Even though I really don’t consider myself a “San Diegan”, I am enjoying the area and all of the different activities immensely. I’m sure you’ll hear more about them as the months go by. =)

One of the classic buildings of Balboa Park. I believe this is for the SD Natural History Museum, but I could be wrong... stranger things have happened. UPDATE: I went there this past weekend for the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit w/ Scootz (I'm a woman of my word), and I realized I WAS wrong. This is actually the Casa del Prado Theatre. See, I AM wrong every now again. (What do you mean you didn't doubt that?) >=(

One of the many beautiful orchids from the Orchid Festival at Balboa Park.

I'm not quite sure how I managed not to have my heart explode at this: a baby panda asleep in a tree. D'AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! (San Diego Zoo)

Tourmaline section of Pacific Beach on Fourth of July.

Sunset at Mission Bay. This was taken during our first bonfire of the year.

OCEAN BEACH

Of all of the cities and suburbs I could have picked to live in, I’m really glad I chose Ocean Beach as my homestead for San Diego. Now, granted I spend most of my week at Scott’s, anyway, but I do love having my place in Ocean Beach.

Ocean Beach is the kind of place where I always wanted to live: beach town, filled with hippies, eclectic, liberal, tons of vegetarian and environmentally conscious stores and shops, and a neighborhood filled with friendly people who stop and ask how you are – and who give a crap about what your answer is. OB is a lovely, hippie wonderland, and I’m happy to spend at least part of my mid-twenties here. =D

One thing about OB is it’s VERY community centric. It has several co-ops, artists’ communes, and lots of programs to get the locals to support local businesses. (If you want to know why this is so critical, read The Little Money Book by David Boyle and see the DVD “Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price”.

Probably my favorite part of Ocean Beach is the World-Famous Dog Beach. Dog Beach is the kind of place where my heart feels at peace. The basic premise of Dog Beach is that it’s a beach specifically set aside so that people can bring their dogs down to the beach and let them run free. Because this is such an anomaly along the coast, people take really good care of Dog Beach. Out of the dozen times there, I have only seen one pile of dog poop on the beach. (And, I can guarantee the prick who left it there was a tourist.) The dogs absolutely LOVE running around, rolling in the sand, fetching balls and toys in the ocean, and playing with all of the other dogs. Unless a person has a phobia of dogs, I cannot see how someone could not be absolutely enchanted by the place. It’s about a 20-30 minute walk from my apartment, and I take every chance I get to visit it.

OB also has a very popular Farmer’s Market, which I fully support. (Again, if you want to find out why, get that The Little Money Book.) It’s every Wednesday on Newport Avenue, the “downtown” area of OB. While I don’t often get a chance to go, when I do I make sure to go down there and support our local farmers.

I really don’t know how to describe OB other than it makes me feel satisfied and at peace living there. I still miss LA a lot, but I’m so glad I chose OB as my substitute home.

A couple of poochies play in the ocean at Dog Beach, Ocean Beach.

Chillin' with some of my new neighbors. (Hey, I'll take them over peacocks any day!) =)

Quintessential OB: The Rainbow Hippie Bus parked in the middle of the Farmer's Market.

The view down Newport Avenue during the Farmer's Market

Local artists beautifying downtown OB. There is a real sense of community down here that I really appreciate.

This picture summarizes everything that Ocean Beach is to me.

NEW JOB

To complete my move to San Diego, I started a new job. I’m working at Skinit.com as a Sales Assistant/Coordinator. (AKA: Still a Snake Oil Saleswoman). It pays more than my last job, which is always nice. But, most of all, I’m REALLY enjoying what I’m doing here.

I’ve always felt that a person’s job determines a great deal of his or her overall happiness. It’s not the only factor, but it is a very big one. I know at least it’s a very big part of my satisfaction with my move to San Diego… probably just third behind Scott (first) and making new friends (second).

Now that I’m someplace where my creativity is not only encouraged, but appreciated and praised as well, it REALLY makes all of the difference. Everyone at my new office has been exceptionally nice, including my boss. I can’t even begin to tell you how much better I feel now that my hard efforts are being noticed and praised. It really makes all the difference.

To see what all I’m selling these days, visit http://www.skinit.com/. And, if you want any skins for your phone, laptops, iPods, etc., let me know. They’re SUPER nice here about letting employees get the hook-ups for free skins. (Which I think is very smart. Hey, it’s near free advertising for us. It sure costs a lot less than any commercial we could come up with.)

THE DIFFERENCE

Really, there have been two main reasons that my move to San Diego has not been wrought with homesickness and loneliness.

The first reason is obvious: Scott. He has been so supportive of me during this move. Not only has he spent almost every day with me since I moved down here, but he’s gone out of his way to make me feel welcome and special, even as he’s working three jobs right now. He’s shown me all around San Diego, and has taken me to some of his favorite places. I won’t go into TOO much schmaltz, lest I jinx the happiest times of my life. All I’ll say is that the whole reason I moved was to be closer to Scott, and my joy has increased more than I ever thought possible.

The other reason the move has gone successful is friends – both old and new. I must thank all of my old friends. Even as I’ve moved, just about everyone has kept in touch with me, asking me how I’m doing, and keeping me posted on what’s going on in their worlds. That means so much to me, and I thank all of you for it. And, I give a special thanks to everyone who’s taken the time to visit me here: Stephanie, Ray Ray, Olga, Annie, Cornel, and Daniel. It’s always good to see familiar faces, and my home is (almost) always open to everyone (unless I’m in LA). =)

But, by the same token, I would like to thank all of my new friends, most of whom are really Scott’s friends that have so graciously accepted me into the circle and made me feel welcome. Patrishie, Little Justin, Big Justin, Yu, Janelle, Veeral, Sachin, and Bala: you have all been so good to me, and have truly made my move enjoyable. I’m so glad not just to have met Scootz, but to have met all of you vicariously. (Except for you, Janelle – I owe Craig and his list a debt of gratitude on that one.) =)

So, what’s the conclusion to this (admittedly) long-winded blog? I’m happy. And, let me tell you, even with missing home and all of my LA friends, it feels really good to be this happy.

And, with that, I’ll leave you with this slideshow from the past 2 ½ months that I think sums it all up.

Cheers,

E

Road Trippin' (Part 3): Central Oregon and Northeastern California

2007-07-03T08:29:00.000-07:00

NOTE: Due to MySpace being a pile of crap when it comes to blogs, both parts 1 & 2 were deleted from my account. Part 3 was posted (repeatedly, thank you MySpace), but was never able to be viewed before due to (again) MySpace's pile of crap blog system. Then, it was deleted. Fortunately, I had saved Part 3 on my computer. Here it is now for those of you just DYING to read the conclusion of my Road Trip chronicles.

Central Oregon and Northeastern California (AKA: A place so barren and loathsome that it made me actually glad to see Reno)

Yes, it took me a while to get to this blog. I could say it was because the trauma of having to recall the hell that is Central Oregon and Northeastern California, but it really wasn't THAT bad. I mean, it definitely sucked, and I would not look forward to going back. But, all things considered, I'd rather kick it there than in Chinese prison, so it's all relative.

The real reason I put off writing this part of the blog is there is pretty much nothing to write about for the bulk of our journey in Central Oregon and Northeastern California. With the exceptions of Tahoe and Sequoia, it was a big pile of nothingness.

Central Oregon and Northeastern California (which from here on out I shall refer to as "The Pacific Wasteland") pretty much make Idaho look like rush hour in Tokyo. True, there are lots of beautiful lakes and wilderness areas that are beautiful, enjoyable places to stay. But, if you're looking for an actual city, or even a town, to stay in, just stop. You're better off buying a ton of supplies in Portland, and camping out in the State and National Parks for the remainder of the trip until you get to *shudder* Reno.

Alas, no one gave us that advice, so we had to suffer through approximately 36 hours of non-stop boredom.

CENTRAL OREGON

Ahhhh, Central Oregon, home of...

...yeah, exactly.

So, basically Central Oregon is filled with farms. These farms are very quaint and pretty for about an hour. After than, the cup of coffee you drank back in Portland is about to leak down your pants leg, and all you want is to find a place that doesn't cue the music from the movie "Deliverance" in your mind when you pull up to the gas station.

On our first day through Central Oregon is pretty much a blur to me, because I was reading The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America (The Book). (Great book, by the way.) It was just as well because, as I mentioned earlier, there was nothing going on outside the car windows.

The only stop of note was at Gold Lake, which we only stopped at because Sachin had to pee and we hadn't seen a town in about 75 miles, and didn't know if we'd see one before Klamath Falls. Gold Lake is a perfect example of how beautiful the landscape is, but how annoying it gets if you need some semblance of civilization (AKA: gasoline, running water, and/or food and potable water).

Driving through Central Oregon. Lots of Forests, not that many places to stop.

Gold Lake, Oregon

How the heck do we get out of here?!

KLAMATH FALLS

Oh Klamath Falls... your Chamber of Commerce makes you look so lovely on the town website.

So, according to said website, Klamath Falls SUPPOSEDLY has 42,000 citizens living in it. If those citizens are anything like the 100+ individuals working at and passing through the local Taco Bell that we had the misfortune of eating at, I'm truly frightened. That is a kick-ass "Jerry Springer Show" waiting to happen.

Speaking of the town Taco Bell, my gosh -- I don't think I've been to a worse Taco Bell in my life. (And, if you've ever eaten at Taco Bell, you know just how terrible it must be to garner such an achievement.) Now, granted, Taco Bell isn't exactly the crème de la crème of Mexican restaurants. In fact, Taco Bell is to "Mexican" food as Panda Express is to "Chinese" food. But, this place was truly awful.

Alas, being in the middle of the only town with any sort of facilities at 9PM for approximately 300 square miles, we were left with no other choice.I will say our hotel was surprisingly nice for Klamath Falls. So, shout outs to the Red Lion Inn Klamath Falls and their excellent staff. They had a fabulous selection of teas in their continental breakfast, so I can't hate on that.

The boys splash around in the hot tub at the hotel. (They added WAY too much chlorine out there. I'm glad they only stayed a half hour, because I was getting massively nauseous having to smell it.)

One thing that Klamath Falls did have was beautiful Azaleas. These were in the parking lot of our hotel.

NORTHEASTERN CALIFORNIA

It's like everyone even forgot it was there.

Basically, Northeastern California looks like this:

Pretty, no? Yes, but try driving through 200 MILES of this seeing ONLY this, and the only signs of life being towns with the names of "Likely" and "Canby" with the populations between 20-70 people per town.

Oh ho ho! I was just googling for a map of Northeastern California, and I just came across this gem (AKA: BOLD FACED LIE) describing Modoc County, the most horrible of the Northeastern CA counties: "Modoc County, the land of Indian Lore, unparalleled scenic beauty and abundant natural resources, encompasses the extreme northeast corner of the Shasta Cascade region. For those Twentieth Century Americans who long for a quiet, calm lifestyle surrounded by the beauty of nature, Modoc County, is a tempting Garden of Eden."

Allow me to translate this for you in actual English:"Modoc County, a place so barren and horrible that the Indians referred to it as "Bloody Ground of the Pacific" due to all of the fierce Indian wars fought there between 1848 and 1911. Unparalleled in its complete and utter void of signs of civilization, its main export is seething dissatisfaction and failure. For those Twenty FIRST Century Americans who want to bury bodies that will never be found, or who want to marry their sister, this middle of bum-fuck nowhere affords you the total and utter seclusion that you desire to guarantee you an earthly passage directly into the ninth circle of Dante's hell."

After passing about 10 of these reject towns, I actually (and I'm ashamed to admit this after the fact) was *gulp* relieved to see Reno. I know! It's crazy! But, after you've been through "The Pacific Wasteland", you'll understand.

IMPORTANT POINT: Seriously, we encountered NO LESS than 10 highway closures for road repair. The construction crews would close off all but one lane, and would switch directions every fifteen minutes. So, we were CONSTANTLY having to stop along the trip and just wait in our hot, shitty Dodge Magnum with no air conditioning in 95º+ weather.

What I don't get is how there could be so much road work in those areas WHEN NO ONE LIVES THERE!!! Has anyone taken a look at the roads in the three main CA cities lately (L.A., San Fran, and S.D.)?! Dude, spend some of the tax payers money HERE!

Then again, there is no possible way the Cal Trans workers would get away with that "closing down roads" shit in any of those cities. It was absolutely RIDICULOUS how much time we wasted at these stop points.

Here we are at one of TEN stop points. At least these Cal Trans workers were nice enough to let us use their porta-potty since there were no towns for the next 70+ miles.

The big rigs start piling up on the road.

It is lovely scenery. Too bad it's in the middle of nowhere.

They make it look so nice on the map! Too bad I didn't take pictures of the town so you could see just how "charming" the area was.

LAKE TAHOE

Despite the challenges and mind searing boredom we had to go through to get there, Tahoe was beautiful. We picked a really good time of year to go there. Because all of the winter sports were over, but the summer sports hadn't really begun yet, the area was nice and not at all crowded. Plus, it was still nice weather (although there were some storm clouds over the Reno area -- go figure).

Unfortunately, we were only able to spend one night there, but it was still rather nice. We walked a REALLY long time down the main street through Downtown Tahoe (thanks to some crackheaded advice from the hotel concierge chick regarding a good vegetarian restaurant), but other than that there was really not much time to do anything.

Oh well, we'll just have to go back -- when the place is not on fire. =(

View of Lake Tahoe. Even on the 1st of June, there is still snow in those Sierras.

View of the surrounding forest area at the Logan Shoals View Point

Scootz and Me with Lake Tahoe in the background.

SEQUOIA: THE LAST HURRAH

Our last day of the trip was spent getting to and driving around Sequoia National Park. I really love both Sequoia and Kings National Park. Again, I really wish we had gotten more time to spend there, but we only had 9 1/2 days to spend on the road trip; so, some places just didn't get as much time as others.

Driving through Sequoia is a beautiful experience. Alas, AGAIN there were road closures on the way up there! It looks like they are expanding the roads -- probably so that the stupid, gianormous SUVs can go up there. Because if there's one thing we need in our National Parks, it's SUVs. *rolls eyes*

ANYWHO, because we were so short on time, we decided to just go on a drive into Sequoia, and to take the relatively short trail to the General Sherman Tree. The General Sherman Tree is the largest tree in overall volume in the world. It was pretty cool, but more than anything I just liked being in the forest with all of those gorgeous trees. =) I know, ME liking to be around trees? Go figure!

Driving into Sequoia National Forest through Three Rivers (where we stayed that evening)

Hiking down the trail to the General Sherman Tree

Looking up at the Sequoia Trees

The General Sherman Tree, quite possibly the most famous tree in the world. It's over 2000 years old.

How appropriate, no? O=)

BACK TO SAN DIEGO

We've now been back in San Diego for a little over three weeks. Thinking back on the road trip and going through the pictures has been great for me to process everything. I did a lot of thinking on that trip. (Goodness knows there's not much else to do when going through "The Pacific Wasteland".) I won't go into everything that I thought about, but it mainly had to do with where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going.

I wish I could leave you with some profound thoughts regarding the road trip. But, maybe it's for the best that I don't really have any... at least that I want to share with everyone. All I can really say is that it was great going on the road trip, seeing more of the country, and getting to spend so much time with Scott. =)

Finally, I know I posted it earlier, but here is the link to all of my Road Trip 2007 pictures:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/elminthebreeze/sets/72157600311623458/

Please forgive this lame ending to my three-part series. I'm just done writing about it. On to new and more relevant subjects! =D

Cheers,

*Originally published 06/24/07

Why I've Moved My Blog Here

2007-06-30T16:19:00.000-07:00

Because of their completely shitty servers, MySpace completely jacked up my blogs. All of my trip Road Trip blogs have been deleted. Several hours worth of time, as well as my freshly recorded memories, have been vaporized. There is no way to get any of them back.

In the past, I have used MySpace's blog not just as a way to communicate, but also as somewhat of a journal for me... a journal that not only saves my thoughts and what all I've done in the past years, but that also allows people to share in what's been going on in my life.

But, this is the final straw for me. I am finding another blogging site, which I will now link on my MySpace page. Seriously, if I didn't have so many other friends on here already, I would leave this shit hole all together. They've taken what was once a brilliant idea for social networking, and they've turned it into Rupert Murdoch's personal platform for politics. Has anyone else noticed how many more Republican candidates are advertised on the sign-in page than Democrats? And when they do show Democrats, they are the completely wimpy douche bags that are the very reason I'm seriously considering changing my political affiliation to the Independent or Green parties. (Or it's Hilary Clinton -- and don't even get me started on that NeoCon in disguise.)

Not only that, but since the "usurpation" by News Corporation Inc., there have been nothing but non-stop tech issues plaguing the site. (I'd imagine it's because the tracking/spyware that ol' Ruppie is plugging in on behalf of his NeoCon buddies isn't working like they originally intended. You know, kind of like EVERY SINGLE OTHER THING the NeoCons have ever implemented.)

So, from now on, whenever I post a blog, it will be on another site, and I will post merely an informational "blog" on my MySpace page to let you all know that there's a new one up. Not that more than three of you care, but whatever. I'm so pissed right now, it's taking all of my strength not to delete my whole stupid profile right here and now.

FUCK YOU, AND EVERYONE WHO WORKS IN YOUR SHITTY, INCOMPETENT I-T DEPARTMENT, MYSPACE!!!

- E

PS: As for "Tom", I hope that lifetime supply of ProActiv that you bought with your sell-out money is working out for you.